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Original poster

The 'perfect boy' has been naughty

95 replies

GenerationPolaroid · 28/06/2019 18:39

Genuinely would like some opinions please.

My 15 YO DS is a genuinely lovely person who has given me no trouble whatsoever, ever. I mean we have the usual discussions about screen time, chores, etc, but on the whole, he really has been a dream. He gets top marks on every subject and I never have to ask him to revise, and plays three instruments to a high level. He does not do sports and has never really had many friends, but that seems to be starting to change now which we are delighted to see.

Today I got a message from his school attendance officer letting me know that DS had signed out at 2:30 for his medical appointment. DS did not have an appointment, he lied to school so he could meet with friends in the park.

We have removed his phone, he's been really tearful and remorseful, now I feel really torn. On the one hand he needs to know that boundaries apply, on the other I want to cut him some slack.

Please offer me some advice.

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/06/2019 08:28

Having friends and being sociable is more important ( especially to boys mental health) I feel, than playing 3 instruments to high level getting top marks
I spend the phone free time talking to him about these friends maybe invite them round

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2019 08:31

You sound pleased that he doesn’t do sport although I could be imagining that.....

Fibbke · 29/06/2019 08:32

In fact, if he is going into year 11 in september, unless he wants to do a music degree i would get him to drop two instruments and concentrate on one only.

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BertrandRussell · 29/06/2019 08:33

And I agree with not telling the school. It sounds as if you need to loosen the reins a bit- does he love playing his instruments, for example? Does he practice without being told? Did he play in any ensembles?

Butterymuffin · 29/06/2019 08:35

He doesn’t deserve prizes. He should be thought of badly.

Seriously? I think I am on the harsh end of parenting but even I find this way too much. One mistake does not mean anyone should be 'thought of badly'.

MsJaneAusten · 29/06/2019 08:39

Haha. Are you just a tiny bit proud of him OP? He sounds like a good lad. He’s done the crying and the remorse. I’d probably just leave it now, but tell him that next time (there won’t be one) you’ll tell school.

myidentitymycrisis · 29/06/2019 08:46

Maybe explain to him that you want him to be independent but that he has to act responsibly. For his safety and your peace of mind you need to know where he is. If he can do this and mutual trust is established IME DS always told me where he was.
He should not have skipped school or lied.

ElectricLions · 29/06/2019 08:53

He must have forged your signature on a letter to get let out for a medical appointment.

I wouldn't tell school but I would let him know that if he did it again I most definitely would. This is his get out of jail free card.

I would be talking to him about peer pressure and safe sex.

pictish · 29/06/2019 08:56

He sounds great, very bright and motivated.
Sadly I suppose, the teenage years do seem to bring about some changes in a lot of kids. Be prepared for the possibility that he might start prioritising different things now...such as his peers and social life...and be warned that he might make some silly choices that will dismay you.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2019 08:58

“He must have forged your signature on a letter to get let out for a medical appointment. ”
Not necessarily. I reckon that’s why the school rang-they let him go without anything in writing because he’s usually so well behaved, then had second thoughts so rang to cover their backs.

VioletCharlotte · 29/06/2019 09:11

I think he's probably maybe not as quite as perfect as you think! He may be lovely and get good results, etc, but from my experience, the bright kids are the ones who are good at hiding what they're up to! Also, if they know their parents see them as 'perfect' they're more likely to lie and hide things.

As an isolated incident, what he's done doesn't sound too awful, but maybe keep an eye on him. And let him know it's ok to not be perfect all the time! If he makes a mistake and does something silly, he needs to feel able to tell you.

ASauvignonADay · 29/06/2019 09:14

I'd tell the school - I don't think we'd punish them for a first offence by a good kid, but would have a conversation with them about honesty and safety.

I'd want them to know so they'd definitely check with you next time.

frogsoup · 29/06/2019 09:35

ASauvignon it sounds like you have a sane school discipline policy. But given that there are schools out there that stick kids in isolation or detention for looking out of the window at the wrong time or not looking a teacher in the eye, I'd be very wary indeed of getting the school involved here - the chances of drastic overreaction are incredibly high.

smallereveryday · 29/06/2019 10:25

My god GreenTulips call the 1860's they need there 'old school disciplinarian' back.. or do you just have a natural dislike of teenage boys !

No you are absolutely correct in the way you have dealt with this OP. Firm but fair. Without alienating him for what is a very minor transgression. It isn't always easy for the bright /musical kids to fit in . So I would feel just secretly a little bit pleased that he had mates that included him in their plan.

Probably time to take your foot off the gas a little bit though. 3 instruments in GCSE year is a lot unless his enjoyment is such that giving one or two up would be more stressful than continuing..

Original poster
GenerationPolaroid · 29/06/2019 10:41

Thank you everyone, you have honestly been very helpful.

It is true that part of me feels relieved he has done this as I do believe that pushing boundaries is a healthy way to behave at this age and we've had it easy for a very long time.

However, I have also seen him more upset than I have for a very long time, and it has scared me that he might feel under pressure to always conform and always do well.

He has taken 2 GCSEs early this year, one of them voluntarily (a foreign language) and will take Grade 8 piano later this month, which means next year he can focus on his GCSEs and do music for socialisation and relaxation.

He also volunteers at an old people's home every Sunday, playing music for them.

I have come to the conclusion that life's pressured enough, he's made a mistake, he'll be without his phone for a week and that will be the end of it. He absolutely knows that if it happens again things will be very different.

OP posts:
SweetPetrichor · 29/06/2019 12:28

He sounds like a great lad, and we all make mistakes...especially when we're teens! It's part of growing up.

GreenTulips · 29/06/2019 12:43

My god GreenTulips call the 1860's they need there 'old school disciplinarian' back.. or do you just have a natural dislike of teenage boys

Not at all, there are natural consequences for our actions and hiding the truth hurts more in the long run.

I imagine DS will be bragging at school how he got away with truanting and how mummy sorted it. How he spent the afternoon with a group of girls - who would also know he’s skipped school.

I could also imaging others thinking it’s not fair and either doing it themselves or telling on him. Which means mummy would have to lie to cover his tracks or DS may own up and make OP look like a liar.

Nobody is smelling of roses here

DD did exactly this, I rang the school and asked how she managed to escape school without a note etc or even a phone call, seems quite a few associates also had he same idea and they had a lovely afternoon down the beach. Pictures all over Instagram and the like.

DDs friend confessed all, and told on the others, she was spoken to by the head of year and the truant officer. That’s all.

What kind of 1860’s punishment did you think would occur? 20 lashes? Thrown in a dungeon?

They changed their procedures so others couldn’t escape - that’s a good thing surely? Yet OP had a text message that he’d signed out and did nothing?

He could’ve been anywhere with anyone and anywhere - OP didn’t ring the school to check, yet sat feeling pleased her perfect DS did something slightly naughty.

Kids like DS no doubt have the charm and lie, just like OP is doing. He’s perfect to DM turning in the tears to get away with it to keep this image of himself.

Dear me -you can’t have it both ways

frogsoup · 29/06/2019 22:02

How grim that you are so cynical about human nature, your latest post is even worse than the first. Is every teenager just sneaking, lying and amoral, out to get one over on their idiot parents at every opportunity? And humiliation and punishment is the way to miraculously make these supposed savages into moral beings?! Are you also one of those 'zero tolerance' zealots who reckons a single cannabis spliff should ruin a teenagers future 'pour décourager les autres'? This picture of teenagers isn't one I recognise either from my own teenagehood or from the many teenagers I know today. Why is it so hard to believe that on the whole, teenagers might screw up sometimes but in general really do want to do the right thing and are quite as capable as adults of genuine remorse. I mean, if he'd been caught selling cocaine to year 7s, that's one thing, but playing hooky once on a sunny afternoon? Ffs!

CistusRose · 29/06/2019 23:00

He sounds like a lovely boy. Given his previous unblemished record and how upset he's been i think you've made the right decision. My dcs' school would come down hard on this and issue punishments. Tell him if it happens again you'll tell the school.
I'm surprised he was let out so easily. When i picked dd up for an instrument exam that I'd prearranged with the school attendance manager the message hadn't been passed on and they spoke to me on the phone saying they hadn't been notified about it (they had )
Were the friends your son met from other schools? Just thought if there were others from his year who left at the same time for medical appts they might smell a rat and ask for proof or another parent might say something. If it was just him you are probably more likely to get away with it

GreenTulips · 30/06/2019 00:33

I think the punishment has to fit the crime, removing a teen phone seems to be the punishment of today’s times. There are plenty of spares hanging round that they swap between then - they use these until their own phone is returned. Hardly a punishment! You’re mad to think they don’t.
It’s known as ‘the phone of shame’

If I bunked off work I wouldn’t have my phone taken, I’d be warned or sacked. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to lie for me. I’d put my hand up and be honest about it. The worry isn’t worth the risk.

I would also be very concerned that the OP received a text and yet did nothing, didn’t call the school to see if it was an error, didn’t call her child to find out where he was. School would’ve been in serious trouble if anything happened and no doubt OP would ‘sue’ for some form of negligence.

You look at the ‘shall it ale my child on holiday during term time?’ Post and everyone chimes in with a ‘No’ it’s selfish? They’ll miss lessons, won’t catch up, teacher has planned work’ etc this is no different.

He’s sorry he got caught

QuestionableMouse · 30/06/2019 00:41

He missed an hour, practically at the end of term when he's been doing well. He's contrite. No need to tell the school imo.

Original poster
GenerationPolaroid · 30/06/2019 06:35

I got the message whilst at work and I immediately thought, did I miss something? So I rang the asthma clinic and they confirmed that DS did not have an appointment. I then got an touch with my DH who was working from home, he was able to locate DS immediately because of a phone app and went to get him. My DH, the most laid back person on earth, went nuclear on DS. Once I got home, DS went to pieces about having to face me.

Not that it matters but he did not even miss a lesson, they were going to watch a movie with a supply.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 30/06/2019 06:39

What a lot of drama because a 15 year old left school 30 minutes early.

Someone even posted this: “He needs an appropriate punishment.“

The idea of “punishing” a 15 year old is really odd, IMO.

StreetwiseHercules · 30/06/2019 06:41

“So I rang the asthma clinic and they confirmed that DS did not have an appointment. I then got an touch with my DH who was working from home, he was able to locate DS immediately because of a phone app and went to get him. My DH, the most laid back person on earth, went nuclear on DS. Once I got home, DS went to pieces about having to face me.”

Fucking shocking. Your perfect son leaves school early once and his dad goes nuclear on him, and all this drama?

Pretty soon, you won’t be able to check up on whether or not he has a doctor’s appointment.

StreetwiseHercules · 30/06/2019 06:45

“he'll be without his phone for a week”

I’d tell you to fuck the old folks home tomorrow in that case.