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Original poster

The 'perfect boy' has been naughty

95 replies

GenerationPolaroid · 28/06/2019 18:39

Genuinely would like some opinions please.

My 15 YO DS is a genuinely lovely person who has given me no trouble whatsoever, ever. I mean we have the usual discussions about screen time, chores, etc, but on the whole, he really has been a dream. He gets top marks on every subject and I never have to ask him to revise, and plays three instruments to a high level. He does not do sports and has never really had many friends, but that seems to be starting to change now which we are delighted to see.

Today I got a message from his school attendance officer letting me know that DS had signed out at 2:30 for his medical appointment. DS did not have an appointment, he lied to school so he could meet with friends in the park.

We have removed his phone, he's been really tearful and remorseful, now I feel really torn. On the one hand he needs to know that boundaries apply, on the other I want to cut him some slack.

Please offer me some advice.

OP posts:

Genderwitched · 28/06/2019 19:19

He sounds a lovely boy and personally I wouldn't punish him but I would sit down and have a long talk, which to be honest my 15 yr old would hate more than punishment.

However I would be concerned about the friends possibly, and also about peer pressure and would keep a bit of an eye on him.

Teddybear45 · 28/06/2019 19:25

The new friend circle combined with the lying would worry me. Have you checked whether he’s stealing money / behaving stranger than normal? This is about the right age for drink / drug problems to start.

Pieceofpurplesky · 28/06/2019 19:28

Just keep an eye on him. As a teacher it's often the 'perfect' children that can't cope in Year 11 due to the pressure put on them at home and school. Maybe he could drop one of his activities to meet his friends?

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MitziK · 28/06/2019 19:29

I'm trying not to laugh at the fact a teenage boy has truanted to meet some girls. Even the best of them can do silly things where girls are concerned. Although there is a possibility they weren't just playing on the swings, I have seen teenagers do exactly that when there are no small children around - a small moment of just being a kid again before it stops forever.

Look, he's done something stupid. You've caught him. He's upset. Whilst he deserves a bollocking for doing it, I think it would be reasonable to say on this one occasion 'This is your warning - if it ever happens again, I am getting straight on the phone to the school and telling them to do whatever they feel is the appropriate punishment, whether it's losing awards, being excluded from concerts, put into internal exclusion or detentions every day for the rest of term'.

Greensleeves · 28/06/2019 19:33

I wouldn't tell the school on this occasion, as I suspect their response would be pretty severe and as his mother, you do have the right to judge whether or not he's suffered enough. He's clearly frightened himself and is remorseful, so there's no purpose to a draconian punishment and the loss of his hard-earned reputation in school.

He's isn't an adult and he isn't working. He's a child in the custody of his parents, whose job is to do what they think is best for him - that includes making judgment calls about whether or not to protect him from official consequences and impose parental ones.

I'd let him know that I wouldn't cover for him if he did it again, though. Truancy is serious and he needs to understand that.

DNAwrangler · 28/06/2019 19:36

I wouldn't tell the school. But I'd make it clear that you will if there is a next time

mrsdolittle · 28/06/2019 19:43

If my 15 year old DS did this I wouldn't tell the school (and it is the sort of thing he I could see him doing tbh). But I would make it very clear that I would involve them if he does it again. Sounds like your DS has learnt his lesson - he knows you are furious and is sorry. I would cut him some slack this time but dole out a suitable punishment at home (removal of phone or Xbox for a few days or whatever).

FloorOfDespair · 28/06/2019 19:43

I'm trying not to laugh at the fact a teenage boy has truanted to meet some girls.
Take the phone and give him the safe sex talk. Should be punishment enough
Don't tell school, but I'd make it clear I wouldn't cover for him again.

GreenTulips · 28/06/2019 19:47

Don't tell school, but I'd make it clear I wouldn't cover for him again

Funny how this is all one way - you ask for support but won’t support school

No wonder we have a generation is snowflakes

mcmen71 · 28/06/2019 19:52

DONT tell the school, they may not give him the awards or let him do the speech and I'm sure you would be gutted at this.
I would give him back phone but take it off him each night at 11 PM UK until end of school term .
My dad lied to me about where she was going last week so I grounded her for a week and took phone at 11pm
If you be to strict he might stop having fun and get anxiety or depressed.

Genderwitched · 28/06/2019 19:54

No wonder we have a generation is snowflakes

This is rubbish i'm afraid, going in too hard at the first offence creates resentment and bitterness. You could risk him thinking "well why do I bother trying so hard". Mutual respect and trust should be used in parenting teenagers.

spongebunnyfatpants · 28/06/2019 19:55

How on earth was he allowed to sign out of school without a parent present?
Did he forge a letter from you?

Yabbers · 28/06/2019 20:16

I wasn’t quite the perfect student, but pretty damned good.

I did this once. Skipped the last lessons at school and took the bus into town instead.

There was no real reason, I just felt like it. Wanted to go in to town myself. Once I’d done it, that was enough. I never got caught, but for sure mum wouldn’t have told the school. She would have grounded me. I also didn’t grow up to be a snowflake. I would put some kind of punishment in place, but wouldn’t go too hard on him. Just let him know next time it will be worse.

LizzieSiddal · 28/06/2019 20:24

Agre with the majority do not tell the school. I expect they wouldn’t want to know anyway! He’s a bright child doing really well and will more than likely be liked by the teachers. They won’t want to have to “punish him.

Just tell him he won’t get away with it again and give him a hug.

GreenTulips · 28/06/2019 20:38

DONT tell the school, they may not give him the awards or let him do the speech and I'm sure you would be gutted at this

Future politician then

TipsyToasty · 28/06/2019 21:49

I’m in my 40’s now, but when I was 17 I did similar to your son. I was also usually very sensible and well behaved like your son. My DM reported me to the headmistress and I got dragged into a mortifying meeting in the headmistress’s study where I ended up in tears!! It was really inappropriate of my DP

picklemepopcorn · 28/06/2019 21:50

Green, when they reach teens they need to prepare for adulthood by making mistakes and weighing up the consequences. At this age DC2 was asking to stay home because he felt ill. I told him only he could weigh up whether he was well enough to go, would be able to stay on top of work etc, so it was his decision. He went, and never tried wagging again.

They have to learn to do the right thing regardless of punishment, otherwise they just avoid getting caught.

Frenchmom · 28/06/2019 21:55

As school doesn’t know, I’d deal with it myself. I’d tell him how disappointed I was with him, and if it happens again, he is in serious trouble.
My son did the same at that age. He, too, was a ‘perfect’ child. This time we found out as school let us know. He said it was a.nice day and he was with two girls and he just didn’t feel like going to the lesson.
I was very cross with him and told him that he had to see the teacher the next day and take what punishment they gave him.
As he was a good student, his teacher actually just told him not to do it again.
As it’s his first offence, I wouldn’t be too harsh.

choosingchilli · 28/06/2019 22:02

I wouldn't involve school either, everyone makes mistakes, he's remorseful and this is out of character for him so I think your punishment is enough.

GreenTulips · 29/06/2019 07:58

Green, when they reach teens they need to prepare for adulthood by making mistakes and weighing up the consequences

It’s not mum that should issue the consequences - it’s school he’s hood winking. He doesn’t deserve prizes. He should be thought of badly. He needs to face the consequences otherwise how is he to be honest with others. He’s now a liar along with his mum and he has to keep that a secret.
Someone will tell in him anyway.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 29/06/2019 08:06

It's funny, my DH is a teacher, HoY 10, and sees lots of anxious kids who suffer enormous stress about being perfect/getting top grades.

He recommends to them to fail a test, do something wrong, get into trouble for once.. so they can experience it is not the end of the world.

That's what your son just did.

And it was not the end of the world.

They grow up and learn through experience.

He is not perfect, thankfully. Just normal.

sonjadog · 29/06/2019 08:13

Don’t tell the school. Skipping last class in the few weeks of term to meet a girl is not a huge crime. You have already given him a punishment and he knows he did wrong. Don’t make this a bigger deal than it is.

frogsoup · 29/06/2019 08:23

"He needs to face the consequences otherwise how is he to be honest with others."

Your view of human nature is so cynical and cold. He knows he was wrong, he's been in tears, there's absolutely no need to do anything else. I was that perfect kid as well. Bunked off once at that age and got a detention and no more, but even with no punishment at all I wouldn't have done it again, because I was diligent, motivated and wanted to come top in exams. I did it because of peer pressure, not because of innate dishonesty that needed exorcising! This idea that a lack of punishment will cause lifelong lack of honesty is right out of the ark. If you have a trusting relationship with your teenager THAT is what will keep them largely on the straight and narrow, not some old testament idea of morality being forged in children only because of their fear of fire and brimstone raining down if they misstep.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2019 08:24

It’s sometimes crap being “the perfect boy”.

Fibbke · 29/06/2019 08:26

Don't tell the school and let him give up an instrument.

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