I am so upset by my husbands reaction

[IamAWallFlower]

Recently I booked and went for a boudoir photo shoot. I am not a confident person, hardly ever have photos taken in general and it took me so much courage to actually ring up book and go to the shoot.

It’s taken a good few years but I’ve dropped almost half of my body weight and worked my ass off to get where I am now. I needed to do something for me to celebrate my achievement and this was it. Something to look back at and be proud of as I am as I’m sure most of us are, too hard on ourselves. I’m aware this photo shoot is probably not to everyone’s taste.

He knew I was booked in for the shoot last month. The day came and I went and it was totally amazing. My hair and makeup was done and I honestly felt wonderful, the best I have ever felt about myself. My hair is straight and they curled it beautifully, I’ve never had curls before but I loved it. I felt like me but better, they did the makeup similar to how I would but it just looked better like HD almost.

I came home beaming and asked my husband what he thought of my new look. He barley looked at me, just raised one eye from over his phone and just said “I think you should go and wash that crap off your face” I was honestly gutted, I walked away and held back the tears. My husband never pays me compliments, ever. Not once since our wedding day 15 years ago has he said I looked nice.

This photo shoot was never done for him, it was for me. I actually had no intention of showing him the pictures as I didn’t see any point as he clearly doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

When I went back to view the pictures I was amazed how lovely they were so I bought some images and a canvas.

Two days ago I picked up my canvas, he saw me with the box when I came in and asked what it was. I didn’t show him as it’s for me. I was planning on putting on putting it up in my walk in wardrobe, no one goes in there and it’s behind a door anyway.

I haven’t got round to hanging it yet. But he’s opened up the box and had a look and confronted me when I got back from work yesterday. He’s really angry I’ve degraded myself in this way. He was shouting at me that I must be so vain to have that done and I must absolutely love myself. He’s unhappy I bought the canvas and he doesn’t want it put up in the house. Apparently he hates now I’ve lost weight I “ponce about in the mirror now” ( I really don’t, we’ve only recently had a full length mirror put in but I do take more pride in my appearance now)

I am so upset by his outburst yesterday. I just can’t understand it. He doesn’t watch porn because he prefers pictures. I’ve seen them in a folder on our shared pc. I actually bought a few digital images and had considered perhaps in the future sending them to him once I plucked up the courage as I know that’s what he “likes” I won’t be now that’s for sure.

I feel so sad about this all I’m even contemplating leaving my marriage over this.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent.

Get lost Nofucks. My ass are you an IDVA - a fucking shitty one.

I came out of an abusive relationship - piss off with your 'minimising actual abuse'. Like you're a fucking expert.

@NoFucks I am a qualified IDVA

If you are in fact a IDVA, you would know that it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse.

The DASH assessment you are so fond of doesn't take into account non violent abuse such as what the op is experiencing. It only asks if the complainant is financially dependent on their abuser, but doesn't ask about financial abuse, or coercive control, or physiological abuse, or non violet abuse, etc. There is also nothing asking about sexual coercion/rape. It hasn't been updated recently (or since 2009 if the document details are correct) so of course it doesn't. It's more of a way of saying "look how great we are, asking all the right questions" while failing to actually ask ALL the right questions.

It's a document to assess risk of a violent individual where the partner is seeking to leave/get serious help from the police/has left and is experiencing violence. Op may not (we don't know, because this is a snap shot of her life) be at risk of physical violence, in which case your DASH assessment doesn't apply. Just because he is not violent with her, doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

Again, it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. You should know ALL of this in your job, you would know all about the more subtle signs of abuse, and you certainly shouldn't be justifying what he is doing to the op based a document that hasn't been updated in TEN years.

I cannot believe that a IDVA would use such belittling language as to say

"you melt"
or
"I'd suggest trying again in English"

Because they are put downs designed to control people. Usually people like op, who is married to an abusive individual. And YOU as a "professional" in the field think nothing of using them!!

I hope you treat your clients with more respect than you have shown op, and others on this thread. If not, you are not in the right job.

@Maryqueenofscots83 Nofucks is too tied up in a document that details specific ACTUAL violence, rather than the more subtle signs of abuse we are seeing here. So no, she doesn't see the cricitism, belittling, mocking, discouragement, lack of support, jealousy op is experiencing here as abuse.

Because she has been brainwashed by this document not to. She won't see coercive control, or sexual coercion either as abuse either, because the document doesn't reflect it.

She even uses abusive language herself, in order to control the people around her "melt" "use English" etc...

Whether your DH is insecure or not this does not sound like a happy marriage and he does not seem to want to change that. at his response that it is your problem you feel unloved. Is he a good dad? I suggest you take control of other areas of your life as well as your weight. If you want to work then you should. Don't let him dictate. If he won't change and show you some respect and affection and is not willing to work on your relationship what is the point of staying? He is an awful example to your DC so don't stay for them.

A DASH checklist is an assessment of risk, to assess how at risk of murder a victim is, not an assessment of wether or not they are being abused.

Ooops, should have read the entire thread before posting, it's already been said better by someone else

He knows he's not offering you enough. You've told him and "it's your problem". He's now worried you are going to leave him. Trouble is, his behaviour is helping that decision.

It doesn't look as if he's going to change. He hasn't made any effort so far, despite feeling insecure enough to need to put you down. Can you live with this or are you going to use your new found confidence to find a happier future? Either by forcing him to look at your marriage problems or going your own way.

He'll blame the fact you've changed. It's not this though. You need to spell that out. You've just got fed up of his negative attitude. If you want to save the marriage then you can communicate your feelings clearly and tell him he's actively pushing you away. Warn him that this holiday could be make or break

• Or has it already gone beyond this? The key question is even if you actually want to bother trying?

And if you want a job. Get one. Especially if you do intend to leave.

He sounds awful

He simply feels threatened by the new you. That you look amazing now and feel confident enough to do this.
It was all so much easier when you were fat and had low self esteem, easier for him. He didn't have to worry about you doing anything different or going off with anyone else or having any confidence. It's a well know thing to happen when a wife or a husband changes drastically.
It would be a shame if he was unable to change or adapt himself to the new you. Because if he can't there will be little future for you both.
I think you need to have a long talk with him.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t rtft- that’s because I can’t improve on the very first comment.

You’ve learned to like yourself, now go and find someone who feels the same way. You deserve that.

Hope the holiday goes well OP, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. If it doesn't though maybe do start to think about whether you are better off out of this relationship.

I don't know what NoFucks is trying to do (interesting choice of name for an IDVA) but this is not the thread for it. The OP lacks confidence - the photoshoot gave her a boost, but it won't have overturned years of having her self-esteem chipped away at by her husband. A person who lacks confidence can hear a hundred compliments and one mean comment, and that one lone voice will be the one they listen to. I know this to my own cost.

OP, I hope you won't take that one poster's advice against all the others telling you that your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. Don't be taken in by the appeal to authority (anybody can say anything on here, and even if this person is an IDVA, ot doesn't mean they're a good one). How are things today?

In the nicest possible way OP, I know people suggest finding someone better, you dont have to find someone that deserves you, or find a nice man.

You can be perfectly o.k as a single person, find yourself & be happy.

Goady I completely agree. I know pp have meant well when they've made such comments, but it does all read a bit like the OP wasn't worthy of anything better before she lost weight, or that nobody else could possibly have been interested in her until now. Saying that men will be interested in her because she's hot now rather implies that she wasn't before! It's sad that women who don't conform to society's beauty standards feel like they can only acquire the confidence to insist on being treated lovingly if they lose a shedtonne of weight.

Sorry OP that @NoFucks derailed this thread. I don't believe she was an IDVA, more like MRA (or a troll). It looks like she is not actually able to explain why the behaviours described are not abusive, contrary to what the emotional abuse resources online say. Apparently we're all misandrists for recognising mistreatment when we see it.

You might want to Google 'emotional abuse' - there are so many good articles online, see if you recognise your partner in them.

I asked about where your dh let’s you go out to as the rest of what you put sounds incredibly controlling

But he doesn’t want me to get a “proper job” I currently just run a little online business from home. I don’t get much money from it. But I have full control over the finances and savings

He doesn’t want you to get a job where you might get chatting to other people and come to the realisation that he is controlling you.

You might have full control of the finances but I am guessing what is left over after bills are paid isn’t a great deal and I doubt he isn’t monitoring the savings account.

You might feel you have control but I suggest looking at what decisions you can make without his input.

Certainly not leaving the house to work with other people

@NoFucks is simply trying to tell us "because penis". HTH

Honestly sounds like youve lost weight and gained confidence but he likes you better fat and no confidence.

Good on you, screw him, i bet you look incredible ❤️

There have been too many "experts" on mumsnet recently trying to minimise abuse or present the alt-right as acceptable alternative views. It's getting really scary. Not everyone can understand the very subtle at times dog whistling.

I don't have experience of an abusive relationship myself because I simply can't stand others controlling me but I am greatful to many posters who have linked to useful articles and resources from TRUE professionals so I have an idea and who have helped posters over the years.

You might think 15 years is a long time with him but you're 34. If you live to 84 (roughly the average life expectancy of women) that's FIFTY more years of putting up with this dickhead. Unless he blessedly dies first but that's a long game to play.

It doesn't sound like he's doing much for your self esteem or emotional wellbeing.

I'd lose another 12 stone if I were you, OP...

I wasn’t actually going to come back and post after reading about my post on the reddit site. But fuck those nasty spiteful bitches over there and massive thanks for all the support.

A few of you have asked my DCs ages they are 11 & 7.

I’ve read up a little about the emotional abuse aspect and I’m quite surprised but some of it does apply. I have full control over the money and only I have access to our savings. We have a online savings account but it’s linked to my online banking. I deal with all the bills and money situation.

He is against me working but I do go out a few times a week with friends and to my hobby. He’s never had a issue with me going out and not complained once.

That’s a terrifying thought, spending 50 years with every day trip / outing / or night out holding back tears with his snide remarks.

Definitely some food for thought.

I don't have experience of an abusive relationship myself because I simply can't stand others controlling me

Nor do the rest of us. Hence why abuse causes so much damage. Do you fancy reconsidering your suggestion that people are abused because they like it? Or did you instead mean abused people bring it on themselves? I don't think you understand abuse at all.

Anyway, glad others have pointed out that DASH is merely intended as a crude homicide risk assessment tool and is known by professionals to be flawed.

Competent professionals are generally up to speed with coercive control. And don't attempt to identify abuse in other relationships based on whether or not it's the same as the abuse they experienced. Given as that's ineffectual and dangerous.