I am so upset by my husbands reaction

[IamAWallFlower]

Recently I booked and went for a boudoir photo shoot. I am not a confident person, hardly ever have photos taken in general and it took me so much courage to actually ring up book and go to the shoot.

It’s taken a good few years but I’ve dropped almost half of my body weight and worked my ass off to get where I am now. I needed to do something for me to celebrate my achievement and this was it. Something to look back at and be proud of as I am as I’m sure most of us are, too hard on ourselves. I’m aware this photo shoot is probably not to everyone’s taste.

He knew I was booked in for the shoot last month. The day came and I went and it was totally amazing. My hair and makeup was done and I honestly felt wonderful, the best I have ever felt about myself. My hair is straight and they curled it beautifully, I’ve never had curls before but I loved it. I felt like me but better, they did the makeup similar to how I would but it just looked better like HD almost.

I came home beaming and asked my husband what he thought of my new look. He barley looked at me, just raised one eye from over his phone and just said “I think you should go and wash that crap off your face” I was honestly gutted, I walked away and held back the tears. My husband never pays me compliments, ever. Not once since our wedding day 15 years ago has he said I looked nice.

This photo shoot was never done for him, it was for me. I actually had no intention of showing him the pictures as I didn’t see any point as he clearly doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

When I went back to view the pictures I was amazed how lovely they were so I bought some images and a canvas.

Two days ago I picked up my canvas, he saw me with the box when I came in and asked what it was. I didn’t show him as it’s for me. I was planning on putting on putting it up in my walk in wardrobe, no one goes in there and it’s behind a door anyway.

I haven’t got round to hanging it yet. But he’s opened up the box and had a look and confronted me when I got back from work yesterday. He’s really angry I’ve degraded myself in this way. He was shouting at me that I must be so vain to have that done and I must absolutely love myself. He’s unhappy I bought the canvas and he doesn’t want it put up in the house. Apparently he hates now I’ve lost weight I “ponce about in the mirror now” ( I really don’t, we’ve only recently had a full length mirror put in but I do take more pride in my appearance now)

I am so upset by his outburst yesterday. I just can’t understand it. He doesn’t watch porn because he prefers pictures. I’ve seen them in a folder on our shared pc. I actually bought a few digital images and had considered perhaps in the future sending them to him once I plucked up the courage as I know that’s what he “likes” I won’t be now that’s for sure.

I feel so sad about this all I’m even contemplating leaving my marriage over this.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent.

NoFucks
Your me-railing if this thread is appalling
IF (and I seriously doubt it)you were an IVDA THEN ckesrkybtheir bar & training are WAY too low

OP
Well done on losing the weight despite him trying to stop you it’s hard enough with support let alone without someone sabotaging your efforts

As MOST other posters have said , you deserve better - you always have. You’ve lost half your body weight over a few years, now lose ALL of his body weight over night. The insecure pig doesn’t deserve you

Imagine your life in a home where you can put your photos where you want, where the fridge is full of healthy food and your home full of living and supportive friends - that CAN be your life

You’ve had the strength to lose the weight for yourself, now lose the negative, nasty, emotional weight pulling you down 🌷

Good fucking riddance!

"you melt"

What an absolutely horrible reaction. A supportive partner would have appreciated the photos and understood the journey you have been on. Get rid and be happy. It will be a relief.

He’s bitter and jealous. You have lost weight, have newly found confidence and he’s worried you’re going to realise how much better you deserve. Misery loves company after all...

Leaving is the best option. You will see how much better and lighter you feel dropping that pig.

NoFucks is clearly a consummate professional.

Or maybe not. She has a partner though...that counts for something surely

Whatever you call it, being with a partner who undermines you and your self esteem on a continuos basis, who brings more misery into your life than joy, will.chip away at you the roots of your health mental.amd physical. That you have managed to turn things around and are physically doing better and mentally too is amazing. Maybe it's time to ask yourself "does this bring me joy?"... and I don't mean the cushions on the sofa.

Nofucks has been a goady bore.

He sounds horrible. I think you need to rethink about what you want in life.

@NoFucks - if the behaviours described (i.e. cricitism, belittling, mocking, discouragement, lack of support, jealousy) when you put it all together, do not constitute emotional or psychological abuse, what do you consider to be emotional/psychological abuse please?

I consider and was taught that these kinds of mistreatment could constitute emotional abuse and in the context given here, I agree with @Graphista 's assessment of the situation.

I would agree with you if this was a bizarre one-off occurrence but it doesn't appear to be that way.

I am intrigued by how you personally are making the distinction between emotional abuse and just being an unpleasant personality. Does it come down to the intentions of the perpetrator? The effect on the person on the receiving end?

This is psychological abuse. He is jealous because you've made yourself so attractive. He probably thought that he had nothing to worry about if you were overweight. Ditch him before he destroys you.

Yes op should stay, he's only slightly abusive. Don't ltb until he's cranked it up a notch eh? Emotional abuse is against the law now so that might hinder things for the poor chap...

Hi OP! Congrats on the weight loss! I have lost half of my body weight and know how good it feels, and what an achievement it is, so I am giving you a massive fist pump and letting you know how proud I am of you. Pretty sure my DH isn’t as vile as yours, but he doesn’t “get it” either. How old are your kids? I imagine they’re young teens? I bet they think you look amazing and love the energy you have and your new-found passion for shopping for clothing and makeup (if they are interested in these things... they’re probably about the same age as my kids.) Just try and get out and do that with your kids as much as possible on holidays. Probably wouldn’t show them the boudoir shot. Kids don’t like to see their parents nakies.... ew. They must know that their Dad’s a grumpy bugger. Is he like this with them? If so, is that what you want for them as well? It’s not a healthy example to set....

I felt really sad reading this. You know he's a horrible prick, and you know you deserve better. Don't let this man destroy your self esteem, he is the issue not you.

I agree with *nofucks

NoFucks IncrediblySadToo I can't understand what you're saying. I'd suggest trying again in English but I'm off now

Well no doubt you’ll be checking the thread again in the morning...to see how much trouble you’ve caused

I’m sorry my iPhone distorted the message, but it really wasn’t difficult to work out, but I’ll spell it for you.

You’re most likely lying about having been an IVDA, but if you aren’t, their criteria and training are clearly crap. Someone else mentioned you sound more like MRA and they’re not wrong

Your advice is dreadful ‘put up & shut up because DH is insecure’ 🙄

Leave him.

While the photo shoot sounds like my worst nightmare it sounds like you deserved it. I'm sick of being told that women shouldn't like themselves or enjoy feeling beautiful. We're told to be beautiful our whole lives but as soon as we notice it we're vilified.

Get rid of the sack of shit and hang your canvas in your living room.

Oh hell no. I am disturbed by the domestic violence counselor upthread who is minimizing the emotionally abusive undercurrents and behaviors in this dynamic. May be time for some more up to date training, if that is the case?

OP you're the one who must decide if the behaviour qualifies as abusive in the context of your relationship. It looks like the majority would consider it mistreatment.

Domestic violence lady can call it what she likes. Where's the line between dickheadish behaviour and mistreatment?

Basically, it's shitty, bullying behaviour that's designed to undermine you. As a PP said, if it looks like a turd and smells like one, you've probably got a turd on your hands.

PS. Anyone can claim to be anything they like on this forum.

I presume that 'melt' is something pertaining to 'snowflake'?

@NoFucks - Berating somebody and crushing their spirit in this way does not constitute abusive treatment? What? Suffice to say, if I were ever in a psychologically abusive relationship I would hope not to encounter someone like you who errs on the side of giving this loser the benefit of the doubt.

And @IamAWallFlower, I think you should reconsider your relationship in light of this.

What an amazing achievement, losing all that weight, OP and to do it in spite of your DH is even more wonderful. Well done.
Your DH should be your biggest cheerleader, supporting you and encouraging you. Not tearing you down at every opportunity. You DO deserve so much more and I think you know you are not ever going to get it with your husband.
Your children deserve so much more. They deserve a healthy, warm and loving relationship to be modelled. They deserve to see their mother respected and loved.
Can you imagine either of your children feeling the way you are feeling in their own relationships? Do you want them to accept that this is what a relationship is and should be?

I feel so sad for you OP that you are in such a shit relationship with such a shit man. I hope that reading the posts, well most of them, on this thread can reinforce that this is NOT how you should be living and teaching your children. You are strong, you have so much to offer and you and your children deserve so much more. This should not be their 'normal' and it should not be yours.
You should be hanging that pic wherever the fuck you want!!

Please take some baby steps at least OP towards a better life for yourself. Whatever form that takes. You deserve to FEEL loved and appreciated and respected and admired.