SHE JUST DONT FUCKING SLEEP!

[wheresshegone]

Hi

I'm at my limit. So bare with me and sorry if this is a bit rambly.

DD is 16mo. She slept like an angel in her cot from birth until about 8 months old. She has always woken for milk but gone back in her cot no problem and slept quite nicely.

Then in October last year she got terrible terrible sickness and diarrhoea bug that lasted 2 weeks and it was just awful. I was scared to death she'd choke on her sick in the night and I wouldn't hear her so she began sleeping slightly elevated in her pram.

Then when the bug was over we couldn't get her out of her pram at bedtime 😫 and so she slept in that for MONTHS.

We managed to get her to sleep in our bed (my theory that she was laying flat so at least the next transition to her cot wouldn't be too much of a nightmare)

Well now she just won't bloody get out!!! She plays with my hair for comfort so won't settle for her dad or anyone else really she's a proper mummy's girl.

But it means she's waking up and STILL having 3 9oz bottles of milk a night. But all in dribs and drabs. It's driving me crazy. She also stirs about every 30 mins for a cuddle/dummy/ bottle but only with me. She does this allllllll evening long until i join her in bed.

She has CMPA and was on formula until a few weeks ago where we switched to almond milk unsweetened. We've tried only
Offering water, watering the milk down. Shell still drink the milk not bothered about it being mostly water.

I did try cry it out once last year but I was in such a bad place myself I spent the first 10 mins uncontrollably sobbing and couldn't carry on. I felt like the worlds worst mum. I understand why people do it and I'm all for it. Wish I had the big girl pants to actually do it and carry it out

It's a teeeeeeny 2 bed flat so I don't need a monitor. And there's a big tall bed guard so I'm not worried about her falling out.

SO. My question is. How the FUCK do I get her to sleep ALL night in her OWN cot? 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫 I'm
Exhausted and losing my patience and my marbles.

And probably getting bald spots from all the hair playing. I wake up
With such a sore scalp where she's so rough in her sleep.

We were so exhausted for such a long long time we did whatever we could to get better sleep.

Health visitors are rubbish with their advice on this

Sympathy...non sleepers will kill you.

So, how is her comprehension? Would you be able to try a sticker chart or is she not quite there yet (DS1 would have been, DS2 wouldn’t so she’s probably on the cusp).

Also, can you split things so you are less tired? Everything seems less bad with sleep. We took turns sleeping in the spare room (DSs also slept better if they had more space).

What happens if you decamp to the other room in the middle of the night? Again, DS2 was awful until about midnight but after that less likely to scream.

Mainly deep deep sympathy though. It will pass (see bribery point above which will certainly be a possibility later). I spend a lot of time telling myself that I will reap the benefits when they’re older and have a city job requiring you to need no sleep 😉

I am no expert but I think going from full on bed sharing to cry it out would be a bit much. I had a similar situation and what worked for us is she went back in her cot. All night. No exceptions. And I lay on the floor next to her with my hand through the bar. She was raging. I got bruises on my wrist from wedging my hand through. But she knew I was there and she was safe. So she 'cried it out' but with me right there. And it just clicked after a couple of nights. Good luck xxx

Not the same but my son at 13m was still waking up umpteen times a night for boob so I went cold turkey! When he woke he only got offered water which he wouldn't take and was furious about but after a couple of shitty nights he stopped looking for it through the night and his sleep was a million times better!

Thank you every one for your replies. I could kiss you all.

She's way to young to understand a sticker chart she's not even 1 and a half yet she's only just learned how to point to her nose/belly/teeth etc.

I've tried to let her play in her cot during the day time but she just screams til I get her out. I can't even leave the room or be out of eyesight and she goes ballistic. She'll happily go to anyone during the day but when naptime or bedtime approaches she's like a wild animal until she's with me. Means I get no break. Ever.

Her cot used to be in our room but it's in her room now we moved it in there when she stopped sleeping in it so we had a bit more space!!

What would
You say is best? Cutting bottles full stop and then trying her cot when she's used to not having milk?

How do I go about settling her in the night whilst she's still in our bed? I can't even chill in the living room anymore I just get fed up of the constant up and down I end up going a bed ridiculously early and then regret it the next morning as I've had no time to myself!

I think you really just need to go cold turkey, no milk, in her own cot all night for a few nights.
Yes it will be hell, but you really need to get firm with this.

@ReturnofSaturn so you reckon cold turkey in her cot all night no milk.

So how do I go about settling? Do the every 2 mins go in calm and say bed time? Then slowly reduce it?

Sorry to sound stupid but I'm such a push over when it comes to bedtime.

we live in a really small block of flats with just 6 flats in it so I'm really conscious about the noise.

Should I put a note through my neibours door to say?

I'd go cold turkey too. No more milk at night, she doesn't need it she's only using it for comfort. And straight back in the cot.

What I would do OP is I'd take a book (backlit kindle probably best) and sit or lie on the floor beside her cot until she falls asleep. Then each subsequent night I'd sit a bit further away from the cot and closer to the door. Eventually you can sit outside the door and sing quietly - I used to have to do this with my daughter too. She'll get there.

You have all my sympathy, non sleepers absolutely break us.

And yes I'd try to talk to the neighbours to explain what's going on and apologise for any noise. Say you're doing your best to resolve the problem. They should understand, and if they don't then screw them.

So if I'm on the floor next to her cot what do I do if she is hysterical? Not say anything? I have no idea how it really works.

I just remember the last time I tried she couldn't calm herself down and was absolutely inconsolable

You can of course go cold turkey and it should eventually work, but there may be a lot of screaming and crying for several nights!
If you find that a bit drastic and fear that you’ll cave in, you could try a staged approach. I’d maybe start by putting her cot next to your bed with the inner side down, so she has free access to you. Put her to sleep in the cot, accepting that she may shuffle across into the bed at first. Once she gets used to being put in the cot at bedtime, put the side up again, so she can see and smell you but isn’t actually in your bed.
The final stage is move the cot into her own room and make a big deal of her being a big girl and getting her own special room.
I had to move DD1 into her own room (and bed!) at 15 months, as I needed the cot for DD2’s imminent arrival. DD1 was so thrilled with her “big girl’s bed” she wanted to sit and play on it all afternoon! It was actually just a mattress on the floor, as we feared she’d fall out of a bed.

@Babdoc that sounds like a much better idea I think. I couldn't bear to hear her cry like that I remember how it made me feel last time

I'm such a push over for bed time but I'd like to think I'm quite strict with everything else.

I'm looking at her cuddled up on my lap now and feel so guilty already and I'm only talking about it!!!!!

She falls a sleep on my lap with a bottle every night playing with my hair when she's a sleep I lift her in to bed. I've bought her a little doll with life like hair to play with instead of mine. It works sometimes but she does mostly want me

Oh bless you! Honestly, I just want to give you massive sympathy hugs. 2 of mine were non-sleepers and holy crap on toast it absolutely fries your soul. So every ounce of my sympathy is yours!
My youngest stopped these shenanigans about a week before his third birthday. I swear, I should have just built my own custom-made casket because there were times I thought the mind/body/soul dissolving exhaustion would kill me.

You can have the GP refer your LO to paediatrics who can then refer your LO to the children’s neurology sleep clinic. I would absolutely go down that route! I wish I had done so. If you’re in London, you want the NHS Evelina hospital paediatric neurology sleep medicine clinic. It sounds long-winded but basically they just help understand what your child needs to settle and sleep better!
The early years are so, so tough. Lean into all the support!

In the meantime, when I felt like combusting into angry flames of exhaustion, this thread became my bible. I believe I had googled ‘so fucking tired’ and up it popped.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1960846-So-sick-of-being-so-angry-all-the-time-because-Im-so-fucking-tired

If hysterical I would stroke her hair, sing the same calm lullaby song and say shh. But OP you do what works best for you and your DD. What worked for me may well not suit you at all! You do what you've got to do to get through it and stay sane. DD will still love you in the morning.

I'd try to put her in bed before she's fully asleep. If she's using the bottle as a crutch she won't be able to self soothe in the night.

I agree with PP just rip the plaster off, in the cot, no getting out into your bed and no offer of milk in the night. When my DS went through a regression in his cot I used the disappearing chair method, so every night I got further and further away from his cot until I could plonk him down and walk out the room, probably took a full week, but it worked for me as I could go and comfort whenever I wanted but the key was he always went back into his cot. We were both shattered until he got it but now he very rarely wakes at 20 months

@TheVanguardSix thank
You il defo take a look at that thread

I begged the health visitor to refer me to a sleep consultant which she said was a possibility. Instead of referring me weeks later when I returned sobbing she posted a fucking booklet through my door which i could have printed from the internet. At that moment I felt like chasing her down the road and making her eat the fucking thing.

It's a shame we can't pay someone to just do the cry it out for us 😂😂😂. We are skint as anything but I'd sell my soul. Not that there's much of it left lol

Can you take her to the vets?

@ural eh???

If you do cold turkey, do it when you are not there for the night and let her father deal with it.
I wouod say even do for a few nights too.
That would give you the break you desperately need and she won’t have a choice. Imo it’s easier to get over not having xxx when xxx isn’t there at all than xxx being there but someone denying it iyswim.

Oh gosh! Sorry!! I had two tabs open at once, I meant to reply to the other thread! I am sorry.

Good luck with your dd, it's hard

Change a small thing first then another small thing then another and so on. Start with moving the cot back in and having her next to you rather than in with you. Lay next to her etc as needed until she settles with that. Then move further away and so on and so on.

@ComeAndDance ahh that would be a good idea except her father (my partner) is barely here. He works nights and isn't much help at all but that's another thread

My mum used to have her overnight maybe once a month but her sleep seems to be getting worse so she offers less and less and less (I'd never ask) my mum will have her for a few hours during the day sometimes but not often. She's fine with my mum though. And sort of ok with DH's mum but they don't have a great relationship as she doesn't put in half the effort really which is quite sad.

Me and DD have the best relationship. We play all day. And sing and paint and draw. My really good friend has a son the same age so they're forever playing together. We go to play groups etc so I have no idea why she's so clingy to me.

I left her with DH while I ran a few errands and she got my dressing gown from the bedroom floor and waited by the front door for me with her bottom lip stuck out.

I did get cross with DH and said he should have made much more of an effort to distract her.

@ural 😂😂 no worries lol

Oh man, it's just torture isn't it.
If you can scrape the money together I would recommend a sleep consultant - they are £££ but it saved my sanity with both mine. And even though you know what you need to do having some support - and someone to answer to makes a world of difference. Good luck!

DD1 was a non sleeper for 13 months. I didn't have the spine to be tough on her and let her cry, take her dummy and milk away etc. I got a sleep trainer in who did the hard work for me. BEST money I have ever spent!