Is there something fundamentally "wrong" with me? Totally undateable!

[LettuceBeFree]

I've always had a bit of a tough time making close friends for some reason but fairly easily attracted male interest yet now even that's not there anymore. In online dates recently, I only ever make it to the first or second date before they fade out on me... no huge row or anything, just lose interest, whereas in the past, I've made a couple of them last up to a year (where they initiated every day etc.)

I'll list my strengths and weaknesses (either perceived by myself or been told so):

Strengths:

1. Extremely academic (high qualifications, two university degrees, in an science field and an interesting job related to that).
2. Pretty/feminine face (wouldn't say drop dead gorgeous but have large round eyes, plump lips, smiley etc.. maybe a nose that's a tiny bit too big though), long hair, etc.
3. Size 8 with DD chest
4. Witty, lively/humorous
5. Independent (can go off and do my own thing for a while).
6. Can cook well
7. Can drive and have a car
8. Generally always in a good friendly mood.
9. Can talk a lot but also ask questions about the other person.
10. Not very prude-ish
11. I'm mid-20s so not an irresponsible teen nor very old and too mature.

Weaknesses:

1. Fairly rigid when it comes to plans e.g. I'm a planner and not very spur of the moment (but I don't think this trait will show out too much, more of an internal always planning mindset I've got).
2. I'm fairly short (around 5ft2)
3. If I feel someone's lying about something, I'll call them out on it very directly
4. Not a fan of getting married / kids and I tell guys this fairly early on (though not always).

The guys I meet from online are usually either average or slightly above average good looking (but certainly not chiseled hunks with amazing cheekbones and huge muscles) but wouldn't say out of my league and usually "lower" than me academically/fancy career-wise (but I don't care) and often comment that they think I'm so beautiful, so intelligent, etc. and how it makes them feel insecure etc, and they behave a bit nervous around me. I'm never stuck up/too proud of myself nor do I come across aggressive so I find it surprising men look uncomfortable around me and they'll very often be very hesitant to initiate a first kiss, etc (I dated a guy once who contacted me everyday and initiated every date for a YEAR (and we never got past the hugging stage). This guy, along with the others, weren't angelic priests as they'd even had one night stands in the past etc. so not the shy and retiring type!

What could I be doing wrong? I know not everyone's for everyone but the fact they fade out after date 1 or 2, is odd (as I'd not need to be the love of their life to make it past date 2..!)

Recently, was on date 2 with a guy who lied about something (without me asking him) to say he'd not dated anyone in months before he met but when I cross-checked this by asking something related a few hours later, it turns out he lied and when I called him out on it, he looked uncomfortable and tried to back track on what he said initially.. I stood my ground and then he offered to buy me a drink and I told him not to change the conversation topic (so I know I probably didn't come across very likeable with that guy...!) and not heard anything from him for days after this whereas he contacted me everyday before.

It's difficult to say without actually knowing you.

All I will say is my Ex H would've given himself a similarly glowing write-up including the 'weaknesses' which obviously aren't. Yet, he really wasn't anything like how he saw himself and still isn't.

You really need some people in real life to go through that list and see if they agree or can critique in any way.

@WorraLiberty Thanks for the reply. No, you are right that there may be important things missing off my list of my strengths and weaknesses.

Perhaps more weaknesses but the strengths are fairly accurate I'd say (esp the black and white ones like driving, body size measurements, qualifications, etc.)

More replies welcome

It's the calling people iut. Most people even you like up to 20 times a day, quite subconsciously,but none the less they do it.

The example you cite he was trying to make himself appear more attractive by saying - in a round about way- I'm loyal and stable.

Maybe practice letting other people's stuff ride especially the trivial. It's not important in the getting to know one another phase, but you are right it, does become important in the stability phase.

That's my 2p worth

@disneyspendingmoney Thanks for your reply. What does your second sentence mean? I tried reading it a few times but I think it has a typo so I can't quite work out the meaning.

You're probably right and yes a lot of lies the men seem to say at the start is always to make themselves look more attractive (i.e. they won't mention that they have a child, will lie they left their ex several months ago when it was more like several days, etc.. whenever I know someone is lying to me, especially so early on, I feel very annoyed and enraged (it's such a lack of respect) and instinct tells me this will lead to bigger lies on necessary stuff if they're lying about little unnecessary things now, which is why I feel like I HAVE to call them out on it lol. Dating advice always says "be yourself, don't be a doormat" etc. but when I do that, it's clearly a turn off :(

There was a statistic on Forbes that said that people subconsciously lie upto 20+ times a day. Mostly extremely trivial like, "No! I didn't finish the milk off and put the carton back in the fridge", which I did five minutes ago.

Sorry for the incoherence I have illiterate fingers today

Most of the trivial things people say are just that and calling them out could be a bit ish

It's just that I have that tendency to call people out and I know it makes people feel very ambivalent towards me

I've never felt the need to write a big list of all my attributes. Perhaps you're slightly egotistical? Or perhaps not. What do I know?

I feel a bit exhausted reading that OP. You sound quite uptight/hard work. I think you should relax a bit.

Your description of your date makes you sound aggressive, that you don't let things go, sweat the small stuff, and lack empathy as you don't understand the need for a little white lie.

Why did you feel the need to cross check then call him out on it. It's a meaningless white lie and he was trying to probably have some empathy with you and your dating situation.

So maybe put those also on your list of weaknesses and maybe you could understand more why you're unable to sustain a Aggression, lack of empathy, unable to let things go, suspicious, sweating the small stuff, would possibly explain it.

@disneyspendingmoney ah that's interesting - 20 per day seems a huge lot though for an average person.. more like the stats for a politician lol that's alright - we all make typos at some point or another :)
I'm sure most people hate being called out right from little kids to fully grown adults even if deep down they know we're right (I remember an ex getting mad at me for uncovering one of his lies even though it was crystal clear to both him and I that he was intentionally being deceitful (this is regarding other women).

@Decormad38 I mainly only wrote out the list so people can get some sort of idea about what I'm like (as obviously no one on here has 1 clue about what type of person I am). I should probably include more weaknesses (I can be very stubborn) but I feel the few weaknesses I've put in the first post is about the amount that'll likely show within the first date or two.

@Bluntness100 but he doesn't know about my dating situation at all. He literally said it in a way to make himself seem more attractive (like stretching the truth in a job interview) and it wasn't his only lie. He also claimed he had never ever met any girl from online before me (yet the majority of women he's dated previously are all from the app (he forgets the lie he told and is very chatty so it all comes out very easily a few hours later).

I didn't even ask him if he'd met any girls before me from online (it doesn't matter to me if he'd met zero or 55 girls before me) but what's the point being dishonest unnecessarily?

Oh and he'd suddenly stop responding on some evenings about 8pm yet remain online (on and off) till midnight on whatsapp (and then will only text me in the next day morning saying "sorry, I fell asleep".. again, not bothered that he didn't reply after 8pm but bothered he chose to lie about it (if he said something like "oh my friend was having a bit of crisis so I hate to devote my time to chatting with him/her" or even no excuse, it'd be better than a blatant lie.

You don't think I should call out a guy who's told 3 lies (that I know of, within the very brief 1.5 weeks we've "known" each other? I'd think such small red flags will lead to bigger lies later on? Not sure where you get empathy from?

Ok well there is a drip feed.

For my 2p, I'm going to guess that you maybe come across a little intimidating. You sound confident within yourself for the main part - as you should.

But (and I'm going off a stage I know I went through) could you be coming across as a little 'too' confident, which can also end up unattractive.

@Bluntness100 it was kind of a drip feed because my opening post was long enough without including several paragraphs about a guy I've only known 1.5 weeks lol

You seem a little focused on your qualifications / academia. To say you date guys below your academia level makes me think you judge people on this so perhaps that comes across ...

What are your actual interests? Your list seems to have you focusing on your job and what you look like. You say you aren't so interested in marriage or children so what is it you actually want? A long term partner but you don't live together or one that you do live together but not having got married? Announcing "I don't want to get married" may make some people think you don't want term aand that's why it only lasts a couple of dates. Do you want a long term partner to share your life with and what do you actually want your life to be?

Most people lie out of insecurity, going off your sizeable list of strengths a lot of folk of your own age might feel they where a bit lacking.
Again going back to your list, you’re obviously also fairly confident, which is great, but not everyone is that sure of themselves at your age, i know I was an insecure mess in my 20’s, I don’t think men are necessarily any different.
You either just have to just suck it up and accept that not everyone is perfect, or keep dating until you meet someone as accomplished and secure as yourself, which might take a bit of time.

Extremely academic or comes across as a know it all?
Lively/ humorous or LOUD?
Fairly rigid or unwilling to compromise and always wants own way?
I’ll call them out on it directly or confrontational & arsey?

I’m not saying you aren’t exactly how you describe yourself but as pp pointed out her Ex wasn’t anything like he saw himself. I also think Bluntness May have a point makes you sound aggressive, that you don't let things go, sweat the small stuff, and lack empathy as you don't understand the need for a little white lie. that may be how you come across irl.

I think you might lack a strong sense of yourself. The list of strengths and weakness would be more appropriate for matching a candidate to a job vacancy.

Hopefully you will head off on dates feeling very relaxed about whether or not they like you and more focused on whether or not you like them.

You are more than a list of random facts about you..

Hi, you sound such a lot like me in my twenties and even early thirties (though I was never a size 8/10). ;) I was very, very academic and career focused until I spent some time working overseas and learned to chill out a bit and have fun (teaching, not an 18-30 style scenario). I'm very shy but have been lucky enough to make very good friends and have generally interesting partners, and a lot of breaking the ice and starting the relationship has been listening; I've always been genuinely interested in other people's stories.

The love of my life had left school at 16 and joined the army, so he didn't have many paper qualifications, but he was super-smart in many non-academic ways (we parted for reasons related to his behaviour, not his intelligence or academic wallpaper).

From a dating point of view I think I'd be inclined to put your good points in a different order. It's interesting that the first thing you focus on is the academic. While it's good to be able to talk on different subjects and discuss and all that, it isn't really reliant on whether you have a degree or not; and so much else is important in a relationship, particularly kindness and compromise! On the independence, I was super-independent in my 20s; in my later experience, people actually like to think you need them in some way, even if it's just (!) for the joy of their company.

A few years ago a friend and I went along to a speed dating event, and one guy who really took us aback literally produced a list of all his best points, and unrolled it over the table, before reading it out point by point to prove why he was such a good catch.

So, you're a good cook, you're open to trying new things, you have a friendly nature, and a good sense of humour; you make the most of yourself; and you do like to plan ahead. What I don't get much of an idea of, from your description, is what you're actually like, or what you like doing. Do you enjoy going roller-skating, movies, nice restaurants, clifftop walks? Do you hate tomatoes or broccoli or getting stuck in traffic?

With the guy who you found wasn't truthful, I might have been inclined to still call him out but to make a bit of a joke of it. I think there's some very good advice here on maybe taking a more relaxed approach to things - good luck though. There's someone out there for you, I'm sure.

Have you tried just having fun on the dates? Not taking it too seriously and being genuinely interested in the person for the sake of it rather than waiting for them to trip themselves up with a (white) lie so that you can confront them? I imagine you make them feel uncomfortable. I'm sure you have some great qualities and a few faults as most humans do, but it sounds like you're on high alert all the time.

Thanks everyone so far, especially @cannycat20 for your detailed response :)

Just for clarity, I often prefer to date those who aren't very academic as they'll have a different skill set (opposites attract and all that) - I've been asked out by very highly academic people but it's never interested me hugely as it's something I already am but this means that the guys I do date will constantly say I'm out of their league, too intelligent for them, on another level to them.. yet they're the ones who fade out/stop initiating contact.

@patchisagoodpup I'm not a stiff academic cold bore either as I can be very flirty, funny, witty and will send them funny memes, pictures of nice cakes etc. that I've made, funny anecdotes from work so I'm not out looking to discover lies and I guess I didn't consider the things he lied about as "white lies", nor other exes who lied about their whereabouts some evenings.

and yes @cannycat20 I actually did call him out in a jokey way (even though I was annoyed internally as this was his 3rd lie in the 2 weeks we've known each other) as I wanted to be diplomatic and didn't feel like it's a total dealbreaker.

The needy-ness element is a tricky one - act too needy and you come across as a desperate clingy loser with no life and act too independent and you come across intimidating/like a player and each person's perception on how needy is too needy is different too which makes it all the harder.

@Peterpiperpickedwrong I think which version of the adjective I am (negative or positive) depends entirely on the beholder and hence the whole "one man's trash is another man's treasure" comes from, guess

If it is not working try something different. Maybe say yes to those brainy types and go for a coffee :)

The “opposites attract, going for non-academic sorts” felt really judgemental someone. Qualifications are not always consistent measure of smarts, intelligence, kindness, fun or attractiveness

Maybe date some academics? Opposites don't necessarily attract

Didn't read the reply above first but yes, exactly, do what they said