Is there something fundamentally "wrong" with me? Totally undateable!

[LettuceBeFree]

I've always had a bit of a tough time making close friends for some reason but fairly easily attracted male interest yet now even that's not there anymore. In online dates recently, I only ever make it to the first or second date before they fade out on me... no huge row or anything, just lose interest, whereas in the past, I've made a couple of them last up to a year (where they initiated every day etc.)

I'll list my strengths and weaknesses (either perceived by myself or been told so):

Strengths:

1. Extremely academic (high qualifications, two university degrees, in an science field and an interesting job related to that).
2. Pretty/feminine face (wouldn't say drop dead gorgeous but have large round eyes, plump lips, smiley etc.. maybe a nose that's a tiny bit too big though), long hair, etc.
3. Size 8 with DD chest
4. Witty, lively/humorous
5. Independent (can go off and do my own thing for a while).
6. Can cook well
7. Can drive and have a car
8. Generally always in a good friendly mood.
9. Can talk a lot but also ask questions about the other person.
10. Not very prude-ish
11. I'm mid-20s so not an irresponsible teen nor very old and too mature.

Weaknesses:

1. Fairly rigid when it comes to plans e.g. I'm a planner and not very spur of the moment (but I don't think this trait will show out too much, more of an internal always planning mindset I've got).
2. I'm fairly short (around 5ft2)
3. If I feel someone's lying about something, I'll call them out on it very directly
4. Not a fan of getting married / kids and I tell guys this fairly early on (though not always).

The guys I meet from online are usually either average or slightly above average good looking (but certainly not chiseled hunks with amazing cheekbones and huge muscles) but wouldn't say out of my league and usually "lower" than me academically/fancy career-wise (but I don't care) and often comment that they think I'm so beautiful, so intelligent, etc. and how it makes them feel insecure etc, and they behave a bit nervous around me. I'm never stuck up/too proud of myself nor do I come across aggressive so I find it surprising men look uncomfortable around me and they'll very often be very hesitant to initiate a first kiss, etc (I dated a guy once who contacted me everyday and initiated every date for a YEAR (and we never got past the hugging stage). This guy, along with the others, weren't angelic priests as they'd even had one night stands in the past etc. so not the shy and retiring type!

What could I be doing wrong? I know not everyone's for everyone but the fact they fade out after date 1 or 2, is odd (as I'd not need to be the love of their life to make it past date 2..!)

Recently, was on date 2 with a guy who lied about something (without me asking him) to say he'd not dated anyone in months before he met but when I cross-checked this by asking something related a few hours later, it turns out he lied and when I called him out on it, he looked uncomfortable and tried to back track on what he said initially.. I stood my ground and then he offered to buy me a drink and I told him not to change the conversation topic (so I know I probably didn't come across very likeable with that guy...!) and not heard anything from him for days after this whereas he contacted me everyday before.

As someone on the spectrum, I also think that you sound rather like me in a lot of ways (the lack of toleration for lying thing is a pretty big one for me and many autistic people).

You sound rather like my ex - he was very impressed with himself and needed to "date down" to some extent to feel like he was always the slightly better one in terms of intelligence and salary.

That attitude works when you're early 20's and pretty because guys will always chase and tolerate a pretty young girl regardless of how much she makes them work for her attention but mid-twenties you may find people decide they don't want to constantly fight you about everything and the dates don't come as easily if you interact with everyone with the same "take no prisoners" approach.

Thanks everyone for your helpful and detailed messages so far.

@Isitmybathtimeyet I'd definitely regard myself as "kind" - I'm often told that I'm too nice, bit of a people pleaser etc (but that very submissive too nicey nice behaviour occurs more when I'm in the company of women than men for some reason), I'm very smiley, friendly and I was described by a colleague as the nicest person he's ever met. Anyway, I do find that people who aren't kind often get more dating success.. the whole "nice guys finish last".. not always but happens a lot.

@Damntheman, @Horsemenoftheaclopalypse do you both feel the examples of the lies I gave from the guy I dated most recently are little white lies? To me, a white lie is telling your diet buddy partner that you didn't have any chocolate today even though you did or telling your partner the supermarket was out of tomatoes because you forgot to get them, etc.... I always thought dishonesty is a universal turn off and 3 needless lies in 2 weeks is a quite a lot.

If it was a false memory, that's totally different and I wouldn't get annoyed about it.

@ElektraUnchained Yup I did - I think he generally felt very nervous around me and the fact I was.. inexperienced in the physical stuff at the time made him even less inclined make-out etc. I feel like I could consider it a "relationship" because he spent his birthday with me, we got each other presents for our birthdays, he initiated contact with me every single day without fail, we'd be together almost every weekend, he'd confide a lot of personal stuff and said he was in no rush for the physical stuff with me as we would potentially get married etc. so there's plenty of time for that, etc. and he closed down his dating profile within 2 weeks of meeting me.

I'm fairly sure he wasn't seeing any other woman during the time I was with him as he was with me almost every weekend, he'd chat to me every evening and was at work during the day.

Those saying I seem judgemental and intentionally dating those of lower "intelligence" than me to show off - that's very inaccurate as I'd never say they were less intelligent than me but they'd constantly mention it on dates about how emasculated they feel, and wow-ing at my "highly skilled" job etc and how I'm out of their league but I always told them I'm NOT more intelligent than them and it's just different kinds of smart... it's like comparing a politician to a mathematician or a builder.. all very smart but fairly different skillsets.

I can't really imagine myself dating a "proper" academic though funnily enough as I haven't read an actual book in nearly 10 years so not naturally an introverted "education is everything" type whereas the majority of academics are that and often value marriage and kids, whereas I'm more into going out drinking until 3am, witty jokes, lots of freedom and fun.

@StormTreader oh you mean as the guys I date will be older now than when I was early 20s or because girls in their early 20s are better looking than mid-20s...?

I think you're all right about me being rather uptight but I've seen wayyyy more uptight women (and men) than me, even get married, have very long relationships etc with easy going men.

You do sound rather shallow and one-dimensional from what you've said. What do you actually like and care about other than drinking and "witty jokes"? What do you enjoy doing? Where do you like to go?

I personally wouldn't have considered those 'lies' from your recent date as something to pull him up on no. But i'm.not you OP and I don't think you should necessarily have to change what matters to you. Eventually you may well find a partner who suits your perfectly and I wish you the best of luck!

Gosh, you sound pretty intense. Do you date men who are less academic so you can enjoy hearing them flatter you?

Also, do you think you might be slightly on the spectrum? Some of your posts make me wonder this.

Thanks for answering OP. I'm just struggling to get my head round not even kissing a boyfriend for a year. I would have felt incredibly rejected and consigned him to a friend very quickly.

I may have missed it but do you consider physical romance important? Do you want sex or can you take or leave it? Do you ever feel strong sexual attraction to men (or women)?

@Ginger1982 I have considered whether I’m possibly on the spectrum as you say. One of my friends has a daughter my age who is autistic and he said I was the polar opposite to her on every way (I didn’t ask him btw) but what about me makes me seem on the spectrum? I find it hard to distinguish between being just having a very detailed obsessed, nervous and neurotic personality compared to being on the spectrum?

@ElektraUnchained no problem :) and yes you’re right. I did feel slightly odd about it but he always looked very nervous (in a positive way) around me so I thought that explained it and after being with someone who full on pushed the physical side of things (pestering me for a kiss on the first date etc), it felt almost a relief to meet someone who wasn’t a total creep and genuinely just admired me and would sit in the park for 6 hours just to get to know me rather than get laid.

But to answer your question, I definitely do feel physical attraction towards men and would say I have an above average desire for physical intimacy.

Again I ask...Have you ever actually had a long term relationship?
Beyond the guy that didn’t kiss you for a year...which I’m sorry but is just as weird as fuck. How? Why? HOW?

Also it’s not the “lies” per se, it’s how you talk about them.
It’s honestly comes across as a bit strange, maybe zealous?
I dated loads of tinder jerks. if they are not what’s apping you then insisting they fell asleep when they clearly were online, you just move on. That’s it.
A miss marple style uncovering and revealing of their deception just is not required. 🤷‍♀️

I’m another one who thinks you sound non-NT/ on a spectrum.

I am not sure that, when I was dating (met my partner nearly 6 years ago online), I knew after 2 dates if someone had one, two or no degrees. Are you actually asking that question during chatting before meeting someone or during those dates?
I never put my two degrees on my OLD profile!

Think you've made the seemingly unforgivable mistake of knowing your own qualities here OP. And can we have one thread which doesnt end with random people diagnosing autism?

"random people diagnosing autism"

If the OP sounds remarkably similar to me, and I am undergoing autism diagnosis, do I have permission to post?

"@StormTreader oh you mean as the guys I date will be older now than when I was early 20s or because girls in their early 20s are better looking than mid-20s...?"

Because when you date a very young person, theres a lot of scope for them to mellow - the social warrior activist at 16 may not be that same shouting-through-a-megaphone person at 21, and 16 year old guys have a lot of time to give to seeing how things go - they're not looking to move in, just someone to have fun dating.

Someone who is still that loud tell-it-like-it-is person at 27 is much less likely to drastically change and mellow from that and guys at 27 may be more likely to think "I'm looking to meet someone to settle down and live with, I don't have 10 years to wait to see if every day will still be an argument".

Ha- I’m with an academic and trust me there’s no problem dragging him or any of his colleagues to the pub! They don’t work 9-5 for one...