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Has your life lived up to your expectations?

86 replies

AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2019 11:20

I'm really curious to know how satisfied other people are with their lives. On paper, my life is really good and I'm genuinely very grateful for what I've got. However, I always feel that there is something more that I'm somehow missing.

When I was younger, I truly believed that I'd do something special with my life - something extraordinary. As things have turned out, it seems that I'm uber ordinary. Grin Now, I wonder if it was just the arrogance of youth that made me feel that way. Even so, a part of me still believes that I was meant to do something amazing and I just need to figure out what it is so that I can get on and do it.

Does everyone actually feel like this? If you lead an ordinary sort of life, perhaps where you have had some great experiences and make a positive difference to others on a fairly small scale, but you're never going to change the world, do you feel that is enough or do you wonder if there is more? Am I greedy/arrogant to my life to be extraordinary?

I know it's up to me to create whatever meaning/purpose/sparkle I want in my life, and I'm trying to think about how I can do this, but what I'm eager to know is whether the yearning that I feel is universal, or whether some people are actually quite content to lead lives which are happy but largely unremarkable?

Please be gentle. I know I probably sound like a twat, but I've felt this all my life and I just want to know if everyone else feels the same.

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cannycat20 · 23/06/2019 12:00

Yes and no.

I agree totally that we are often sold a lie in childhood - for me it was largely academic. "Get your qualifications and the world will be your oyster"; "You'll make masses of lifelong friends at university"; "Once you've got a degree you're guaranteed a good job".

I have found that my life will often "plateau" for a bit; there'll be the highs, like falling in love or finding a new band I really like or reading a new author or trying a new type of chocolate; the lows, like bereavement, illness, or unexpectedly having to change job; but a lot of the time the trick is just to endure. For me personally I found exploring the spiritual side of life, reading, finding new music and films and TV programmes via Youtube, and lately Netflix and Amazon has really helped. The spiritual side has encompassed everything from guided meditation to "bagging" stone circles as if they were Munros. In the last six years or so I've also found photography really helpful and I've pretty much always kept journals.

I'm from a very poor background but I was lucky enough to have my first degree paid for by the grants system (just - they started running it down the year after I graduated). Ironically it was teacher training that left me in debt though, due to the particular year I qualified (they hadn't yet upped the "student loan repayment" threshold to a sensible annual amount). I was very bright at school but found university a massive disappointment; it wasn't actually until I worked overseas and did the spiritual stuff that I found some of my "tribe".

I've worked in public and private sectors, small organisations and large organisations, for good managers and bad; I've worn posh frocks to equally posh "dos" and also had fun doing more down-to-earth things like singing karaoke and dancing at ceilidhs. The nicest wedding I ever went to was a pot luck barbecue.

I've been lucky enough to travel more than I thought I would be able to, although I thought I'd spend more of my working life abroad than I did. I've lived in cities, by the sea and in the countryside. I've eaten all kinds of food and even grown some of my own. I've lost count of the number of different types of chocolate I've tried. I've met and worked and laughed and been friends with all kinds of people from different cultures, countries and backgrounds than my own. I've been reasonably well off and I've been dirt poor. I've been gloriously healthy and not well at all.

I had a decent enough career, in a respectable, neutral profession (librarian) until unexpected ill health cut it short; I now do part-time work from home and am gradually hoping to build it up to a full-time role again. I've seen amazing developments in science and computer/communications technology that seemed, well, like science fiction when I was young.

On the other hand, the man I would have married turned out to be financially, psychologically and emotionally abusive, and some other partners damaged me in other ways including infidelity and lying; I've never known the joy and sorrow of my own children. I've never been able to afford my own home, due to not having been able to save a deposit before the utterly insane housing market took off yet again. It took me a long time to learn to drive, and for health reasons I now don't drive and am unlikely to again. I get panicky on public transport and it takes at least three times as long (a recent hospital appointment, 45 minutes away by car, took 3 hours to reach by public transport).

In the last ten years I've been saddened and disappointed and infuriated by what the country I loved has become, and I've been exasperated by the refusal of most people to face up to what climate change is going to mean for their children and future generations.

I'd love to see a world where the focus is on kindness, fairness, equal distribution of resources and opportunities, and where success is measured in happiness and treasuring the small events that aren't actually small events at all - enjoying the rainbow; feeding the ducks; saying hello to the evening star. (And of course, being British, a good cup of tea or two...)

WitsEnding · 23/06/2019 12:03

I never expected to be extraordinary- it wasn't considered a good thing for women to be in my generation ("Never get your name in the papers, no good will come of it".

Things didn't go exactly to plan but I'm truly happy with life and what I've done. It's taken a while to figure out what makes me happy and let myself do that, after years of low self esteem and people pleasing.

I love the quote "Always remember you are unique. Just like everybody else "

CremeEggThief · 23/06/2019 12:05

Not at all. But after struggling with mental health and fatigue problems for years, I feel content at the moment. I've just started working full-time for the first time in several years, aged 41, and I have enough money to have a few luxuries. So I feel grateful for what I have, in comparison to most people in our world; rather than resentful that I haven't achieved in line with my academic qualifications.

Sleepyquest · 23/06/2019 12:06

I thought I'd be very wealthy, working in London or New York, probably single until 35. Sex and the city lifestyle

But no Grin I'm actually much happier than I thought I'd be though with a loving DH and baby on the way, earning an ok salary and living in the sticks! We don't have loads but we have what we need

Peachesandcream14 · 23/06/2019 12:08

No, I thought I'd have a 'normal' and pretty unremarkable life, I didn't think it would be easy but I had expected a certain level of security, didn't expect to do anything remarkable but happy with that. I had a horrible time with bullying in sixth form, and had hoped university would be the start of a bright future. As it was I ended up having a nervous breakdown, and from there my life spiralled downwards. I've moved house so many times it's ridiculous, all I want is a job that pays enough that I can have a secure home and provide nice things for dd, but that seems out of reach now. I was going to kill myself, had everything planned out, then discovered I was pregnant and decided not to go through with it. I wish I had.

purpleleotard · 23/06/2019 12:11

Life has far exceeded my expectations.
Not the brightest so flunked uni first time around.
Drifted for a couple of years but saved enough for a long travel, 15 months, around the world.
Came back to the UK, bought a large house in the '80 recession at a stupidly cheap price.
Worked at my OU degree and found a good job for three years. Then found a niche where I have grafted most days and have made far more money that I ever thought.
Result is I am able to help the children and others, live a good life.
Some shit on the way. But that could not be avoided.

Fucktuates · 23/06/2019 12:11

I don’t feel like I’m there yet if that makes sense? I feel like my ‘real life’ hasn’t started yet. I’m studying and still have a good 5/6 years of that in front of me before I’m qualified in a profession so in that aspect I feel like I’m still getting there.

Also, we bought a house two years ago and are still in the planning stage of our extension to make it into the house we need. It’s really dated and not overly nice to live in so again I feel like we’ve not been living properly for the last couple of years because we don’t have a home we love.

I really do have it in my head that in a few years time when I’m qualified and my house is bigger then my life will have properly started and I can live in the moment instead of planning planning planning for this future life.

Petitprince · 23/06/2019 12:20

I grew up poor, single mum struggling to make things work, but lots of love. I imagined my future would be the same - always poor - or fairytale rich. I didn't see myself marrying because I thought marriage didn't work. I was scared having kids would trap me in poverty.
Actually I managed to work my way out of it. I am married with an amazing daughter. It all happened in my late 30s as I'd been so concerned with work.
I live a comfortable life now, which I'd never imagined. But I still budget every penny - poverty never leaves you totally.

TravellingSpoon · 23/06/2019 12:21

Nope, probably not but I am happy and I have a lovely work-life balance which means I get to do some fun stuff too.

Its sad that as a society, potential and expectations are all based on career and how much a person earns.

AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2019 12:22

So interesting to read all of the responses. There are so many different perspectives. Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Fucktuates, I can totally relate to that sense that my "real" life hasn't started yet. I've spent most of my life anticipating some sort of mythical ideal life that I will live in the future. I guess that, now, in my mid forties, it's slowly dawning on me that I haven't got there yet. Is it too late? Time will tell....

I'm really sorry to those of you who have experienced suffering and hardship. I am grateful for what I have and I need to maintain a sense of perspective.

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AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2019 12:23

Fabulous that life has actually exceeded expectations for some. Amazing!Smile

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minmooch · 23/06/2019 12:40

I think that we are taught to achieve in life. What that achievement is is very different for everybody.

Having children is often mundane and as parents we put our children's happiness above our own. I'm sure that's right but can often leave ourselves with a feeling of 'what about me'?

My own life has not tourney out the way I expected or deserved quite frankly. Divorced twice - have to take some responsibility in choosing the wrong men to face life's twists and turns. Life has its ups and downs and choosing the right person to face these things together would have made a vast difference. However I chose wrong.

Lost twins to stillbirth. Totally unfair and had a shit second husband who turned out to be hopeless.

Eldest son got cancer if the brain and died aged 18. Totally unfair on him, his brother, his dad and me.

5 years in im trying to make sense of my world. I'm now with the right man but it's taken me years to work that one out. My youngest son had just successfully finished uni and I feel tremendous pride in both him for his achievement and me and his dad (first ex husband) for helping him navigate his grief and getting to and through uni.

Youngest son has now left home, I work full time in a job, live very happily with my wonderful dp but still have this sense of I should be doing more. I feel I should be campaigning for research into my son's cancer, or fighting for funds for the hospice that he died in. Or giving back somehow. But for the most part I'm exhausted just trying to live a good and happy life. For the most part I'm happy. I do things. Have a good social life. Have fabulous friends.

Not sure in my particular case (as in having lost a child) I shall ever achieve a sense of succeeding or having made a difference to this world. I veer from survivors guilt to thinking I must make my life count as my eldest didn't get the chance.

I'm rambling now. I think life is probably more complicated than we ever thought it was going to be. Some people achieve great things (but we don't know if those who achieve greatness are happier than those who don't).

I gave my eldest son the best life then had to give him the best death he could have. I'm surviving. I'm mostly happy. My youngest is finding his way in life. I have loved ones who I enjoy spending time with. I suspect that all of that is an achievement in itself.

I think the key is trying to find happiness in whatever circumstances you find yourself in or going through.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 23/06/2019 12:42

I arrogantly expected my life to follow a fixed process. Great job, perfect husband, huge house, perfect children. When my ex husband left me with a tiny baby I couldn't quite believe that 'this is my life now'. I had never expected to be a young struggling single mum and I felt the weight of the judgement of the world around me very heavily. Went over the top grafting to try to show the world that I was a strong, independent female with money in the bank and assets. Really, the world really wasn't that interested, it was all about my own expectations.

Fucktuates · 23/06/2019 12:47

It’s never too late OP!!! Never.

Cailleach · 23/06/2019 12:49

Sadly, it's turned out exactly like I thought it would.

I am still alive though, which tbh I really didn't think I would be.

AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2019 12:54

minmooch, I'm sorry for your losses. There is so much wisdom in your post. I think I need to read it a few more times.

Fucktuates, thank you, I hope you're right!

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DesMartinsPetCat · 23/06/2019 12:59

I think my expectation was that I’d have the basics by default (stable relationship, good job, solid finances), and then all the stuff on top of that (wealth, luxury, opportunities) would be my real “life”.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised that “the basics” aren’t at all basic/guaranteed, and that a lot of the stuff on top sounds nice in theory, but isn’t practical/accessible in reality.

So, I have a lovely life that focuses on the basics. I love my husband very much and our relationship brings me a huge amount of wellness and happiness, I love my job and have the benefit of it being well-paid, and providing a lot of security for my future. My family are healthy (for the most part), I have lovely holidays (after learning that far-flung exotic locations are not for me). I sleep contentedly.

My life is good. It’s little, there’s no drama. I won’t be remembered in a hundred years.

BitchQueen90 · 23/06/2019 13:28

My life hasn't turned out how I expected but I am very happy.

I am divorced, single mother and have no qualifications past GCSE. However I have a brilliant family, I have lots of friends, I'm fit and healthy and I genuinely enjoy my life. I don't have much money but I have enough to get by and don't have any day to day worries.

cubed123 · 23/06/2019 13:44

It depends when you had those expectations. Like some pp’s when I was a lot younger (teens) I thought I’d be some high flying sex in the city type with not a care in the world but my life is much more mundane. It’s ok though, I’m happy with my lot. I have a nice job which gives me loads of time to do other things, I can buy what I want (within reason) so it’s not all bad. I’m relatively healthy and that’s the main thing. My expectations now are much more down to earth.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 23/06/2019 15:14

I am very unhappy. I wish I was someone else.

Cloudyyy · 23/06/2019 15:27

For me, I have experienced almost the opposite of you OP. I was an unusually “gifted” child and was often separated from my classmates to complete special tasks. I was always told I was different. My home life was also extremely difficult and I never fitted in properly. I won’t go too into things but it was a truly miserable existence... I longed to live a very average life as an adult. I remember wishing upon a star aged about 10 sat on my window ledge in my bedroom. I wished I would grow up and be “normal”. Now, I’m happily married, have a successful but not outstanding career and beautiful children. I am what I always wanted to be and I’m completely happy in myself and my life. Not everyone wants to be a legend.

haverhill · 23/06/2019 15:35

I won a couple of writing competitions as a teenager and expected to become an author, but that never happened. It’s never really bothered me though , which may be why it never happened!
I am 48 and feel quite at peace with my choices and how life has turned out. There are far, far worse things than ordinary.

justgivemewine · 23/06/2019 15:37

It has in the sense of having lovely dh, decent house, some degree of security. When i was younger i took it for granted that that would happen because thats the life i was brought up in. Now i'm older i realise i feel lucky to be in that position.

It hasn't in the sense that i had a particular interest in forensics/medical science and wanted to pursue a career along those lines. I also had no intention of having children....ever. That was my worst nightmare.

Unfortunately due to various circumstances, moving schools, taking bad advise on 'o' and 'a' choices from people i thought knew best, it didn't work out. I ended up having fairly mundane jobs until i had dc1, then became a sahm, and had 2 more dc.

And i'm glad it turned out that way :)

Rickandportly · 23/06/2019 15:37

Christ no :(

AlexaShutUp · 23/06/2019 15:39

I was an unusually “gifted” child and was often separated from my classmates to complete special tasks. I was always told I was different.

Cloudy, that's very interesting. I was also a "gifted" child and I felt different from the other kids when I was growing up, but in my case, I think that early promise created a weight of expectation that I haven't been able to fulfil.

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