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Original poster

He’s threatening court again :(

75 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 19/06/2019 00:17

I’ll keep this brief, please can someone hold my hand and say it will be okay :(

Basically I have 6 month old baby and not with the father, he’s been good and he’s massively committed. The problem is he wants more contact than I think she’s ready for. (If anyone remembers he threatened to take me to court to stop me breast feeding)

Now I have admitted I give formula and given it to him he wants full days every Wednesday, and every other weekend either Saturday or Sunday. At the moment he has 12:30 until 5 every Wednesday and every other weekend that time again either the Saturday or Sunday. I only breast feed in the mornings now but will he get this contact? Does anyone have any experience? I’m so scared because part of me would love a full day free but even after just 5 hours she so unsettled and not herself. Nothing consoles her, she’s miserable and seems so stressed being away from me. I said I’m happy after few more times when she comes back happy to increase it.

He also wants every other weekend soon he’s implied. I wouldn’t be happy with that contact for quite awhile.

It’s ended with more threats and attacks on me personally, and bombarding me with texts to the point I’ve said I’m blocking him, will speak through his Mum, am not stopping contact at all, but want his Mum or Dad to drop and collect. (They are able to do this)

So it’s a all down in a mess I can’t stop crying and shaking, he kicked off after Mother’s Day and now after father’s day :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 19/06/2019 00:18

Sorry it wasn’t that brief :( by brief I must have meant not a whole page long! Sad

OP posts:
Purpletigers · 19/06/2019 00:28

Don’t take this the wrong way but when you say she’s not ready it sounds like you really mean you’re not ready . The only way she will being to settle with her father is to be with her father . He sounds like he really loves his daughter and wants to have a relationship with her . Would you be happy with the time he currently has every week ? If the answer is no then surely you can see his point of view . He loves her as much as you do . Allow him to be a dad .

Purpletigers · 19/06/2019 00:29

So he wants her two days a week and you think it’s too much ! It’s really not too much .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep
Knitclubchatter · 19/06/2019 00:32

the amount of contact he is suggesting doesn't sound unreasonable unless there is a massive backstory.
i know it won't be easy but like pp says, eventually they will get into a routine.

Doyoumind · 19/06/2019 00:40

IANAL but I have been through the court process more than once. I'm not sure he would get more contact at this stage but it would possibly depend on the judge. Personally I think the contact at the moment is right for her age and overnights probably wouldn't be granted by the court just yet.

Don't be bullied into things if that's what the court threats are designed to do. It's not easy to reduce contact that is already in place so don't start on a schedule you don't want to keep to.

You would have to consider mediation before court anyway. Have you spoken to a solicitor at all to get advice?

Ultimately it's about what is best for your baby and not for either of you.

maryberryslayers · 19/06/2019 00:42

12:30 to 5:30 is fine and is long enough for a 6mo to be away from her mum.
Could you try increasing it by an hour every month or two until she's 1? You'll both be more ready for a full day by then.
I understand where you're coming from though, it's so hard to be away from your baby, especially when you know they are unsettled.
She does need to get used to him though so it's important you keep up contact.
I'd say no over nights until she's closer to 2 though.
Also, I didn't see your other thread but people can't be court ordered not to BF, he's ridiculous.

NorthernSpirit · 19/06/2019 00:43

The father sounds committed - you so do yourself.

He currently sees his daughter for 4.5 hours on a Wednesday plus 4.5 hours EOW. So he’s gets her for less than 7 hours a week. You have her for the other 161 hours!

He’s asking for an average of 3 days every 2 weeks (you’ll have her for the other 11 days).

No, he’s not being unreasonable. The days of men being the providers abs women being the nurturers are over. Let this man be a parent.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you be happy being ‘allowed’ to see them 3 days out of 14? I doubt it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/06/2019 01:06

I haven't been in this position personally, but I'm inclined to agree with PP's that ultimately it's a good thing he wants to spend more time with his DD.

What about the idea of increasing contact by a hour every month or two so it's a gradual adjustment?

Shelvesoutofbooks · 19/06/2019 01:10

Yes it's a good thing he wants contact but the baby is only 6 months old. Way too soon to be away from her overnight. If OP posted and said that she had a job that would keep her away from her 6mo baby 2 full days a week everyone would be saying the baby is too young to be away from her mum that much, so this isn't much different. Don't let him bully you into it.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/06/2019 01:11

Sorry OP but I think he's being very reasonable. And if you worn co operate with him I would encourage him to seek a court order.

Purpletigers · 19/06/2019 01:18

Shelves , lots of mums have to go back to work before their baby is 6 months old .They survive .
My sister went back when her daughter was 4 months , 16 ish years ago. A baby will be fine without it’s mother for one day . I don’t think the poster mentioned overnights .

RolyWatts · 19/06/2019 01:23

Babies have a very different perception of time and the standard contact for young babies where I am is "little but often" - would you be happier if he saw her more days for less time? Then build up to less days for longer.

KnifeAngel · 19/06/2019 07:34

He has every right to see his child. You sound very controlling. Be thankful he wants to see his child as many dads don't after separation.

cherryblossomgin · 19/06/2019 07:40

Instead of dragging this through court why not try a night with the stipulation that if she wont settle and is distressed he brings her back and keep trying this. You then could work up to a weekend. He is her Dad and wants to spend time with her thats not a negative thing. Instead arguing try mediation.

Ginger1982 · 19/06/2019 07:52

YABU but I understand why you don't want to be away from her. Your relationship with him maybe isn't great but there are so many mums who can't get their kids dads to see them at all. Yours sounds as though he really wants to build a relationship with her and for you to stop that is not right. A court would look towards granting what he is suggesting to be honest.

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 19/06/2019 13:33

I posted this is in chat, I’m not asking whether or not I’m being unreasonable.

I want to know what he will get and if anyone has experience. I tried little and often he didn’t want to come to the house, He wants full days and over nights soon his every other weekend and I’m not happy as I don’t think she’s ready.

I have been apart from her to do things and I’ve had times apart to go to the cinema and do things in the evenings and left her with my mum, I would have asked him as I explained the contact at this age would be sporadic. However he wanted set days and times so I agreed the 5 hours Wednesday and every other weekend 5 hours then.

I told him I’m happy to try extending as she gets used to it and understand people go to work but it’s the threats of courts and him saying everyone thinks I’m outrageous. I just feel so stressed and unhappy, I’ve told him I don’t want him to drop or collect anymore.

He came today and I was shaking and crying and luckily my neighbor popped over so I wasn’t alone. He still shouted at me. I can’t deal with the confrontation.

I would never stop access that’s not me, I just want it to grow with her age.

Does anyone think I can stop him coming to the house? I’m always alone here when he comes usually and I’m not comfortable with it. :(

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/06/2019 13:40

The problem with CAO is that they are usually decided by a judge. Who is human. Your order could be different depending on what judge you see that day.

Yes he could get overnights now.
You can request that pick up/ drop off happens at a middle ground between your houses.

Ginger1982 · 19/06/2019 15:09

Can you not arrange pick ups and drop offs at a public place?

GodolphianArabian · 19/06/2019 15:47

Even if the contact he's asking for is reasonable (I've no idea if it is). His manner of asking sounds unpleasant and stressful. Part of being a committed co-parent is treating each other with respect. He sounds as if he's intimidating you. You shouldn't have to be putting up with that.

Nesssie · 19/06/2019 15:53

I would think a judge would give him more contact than he is currently getting.
Suggestion increasing the time by a couple of hours each visit for x number of weeks, and then trying the first overnight at x date. Give him a specific timeline.

It must be hard having to fight to see your baby for just 7 hours a week. I think you need to be more sympathetic to him .

Sarah22xx · 19/06/2019 16:01

He sounds like a dick for shouting at you but I think he is frustrated because he feels like he can't see his child as much as he wants x

PickAChew · 19/06/2019 16:16

Was he abusive towards you when you were together?

OpinionatedCyborg · 19/06/2019 16:43

See, this stuff is so unfair it's bloody ridiculous. How would you feel if it were opposite? Put aside your feelings and do what is best for your daughter. You are BOTH equal with her, he has just as many rights as you do.

Honestly, if you won't be fair I would encourage he takes you to court as well as some mother's only learn that way. You have a parent that wants to be part of their child's life and yet the other parent gets to call all the shots, it's disgusting.

I think your behaviour is what has made him act out in frustration, and I bet if you were in his position you would feel the same.

Unless he is a serious danger to the child, you cannot play with people's lives like this it is vile. He has rights, just like you do. Give him his rights, stop being that parent!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/06/2019 16:54

I would get pretty unpleasant as well if I was told I was only allowed to see my child 7 hours a week.

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 20/06/2019 02:25

Not meaning to drip feed but it isn’t just the time, he doesn’t feed her properly, positioning her head back for the bottle. He makes basic mistakes and I’ve tried showing him and telling him. Used the fact as adults when drinking from a coke bottle we lean our heads back. I’m not happy with him having her longer for a lot of reasons, I feed her a big lunch and make sure she’s drank a lot of fluids before she goes, as I’d get her back in some right states. Starving, stressing and miserable.

This Saturday he’s got her again and I’ve said he’s not to collect her, I don’t want the confrontation or stress it’s not good for my mental health. I get so worked up and worried I’m shaking.
Yes him wanting to be involved is a good thing but the way he treats her isn’t, she’s a person not an object he part owns.

She’s 6 months old, still a little baby. I’m happy to increase time and I won’t stop it. But I can work with 5 hours make sure she’s fed and has napped before, when I get her back can feed and sort out bathe ect ready for bed. If time increases he’s got longer to not give her enough fluids, mess up her naps, and she won’t know where I am. Babies have no concept of time, I don’t want her to be upset and worrying about where I am. :(

OP posts: