He’s threatening court again :(

[Breastfeedingworries]

I’ll keep this brief, please can someone hold my hand and say it will be okay :(

Basically I have 6 month old baby and not with the father, he’s been good and he’s massively committed. The problem is he wants more contact than I think she’s ready for. (If anyone remembers he threatened to take me to court to stop me breast feeding)

Now I have admitted I give formula and given it to him he wants full days every Wednesday, and every other weekend either Saturday or Sunday. At the moment he has 12:30 until 5 every Wednesday and every other weekend that time again either the Saturday or Sunday. I only breast feed in the mornings now but will he get this contact? Does anyone have any experience? I’m so scared because part of me would love a full day free but even after just 5 hours she so unsettled and not herself. Nothing consoles her, she’s miserable and seems so stressed being away from me. I said I’m happy after few more times when she comes back happy to increase it.

He also wants every other weekend soon he’s implied. I wouldn’t be happy with that contact for quite awhile.

It’s ended with more threats and attacks on me personally, and bombarding me with texts to the point I’ve said I’m blocking him, will speak through his Mum, am not stopping contact at all, but want his Mum or Dad to drop and collect. (They are able to do this)

So it’s a all down in a mess I can’t stop crying and shaking, he kicked off after Mother’s Day and now after father’s day :(

SheShoots he hasn't asked for overnights. He wants an extra 4.5 hours every other weekend. Totalling 6.3 hours per week.

Most babies are spending more hours than that in nursery each week. 🙄

I wasn’t trawling the Internet, i want him to have her! I’d love days off now and even over nights in some ways so I could have a break and balance. Thanks to those who are being understanding

Why do we as woman jump down each other’s throats in these threads? I have a little baby whose my first and and trying to do my best by her. I wonder if the people saying I should be away from her for full days and over nights were away from their own babies. 🤬 up until recently I breast fed completely, why am I just expected to be away from my baby for hours at a time. I personally do not think he will get my contact with her. I’ve never stopped contact nor will I. I’m happy for it to increase with her age. I’m thinking of her, if I was being selfish I’d jump at the chance!!! Let her suffer and cry and go out. I love nights out and was a party girl. I’m worried and trying my best and some people really are harsh. I posted this in chat!!! Have a word with yourselves.

I posted this in chat so I wouldn’t get horrible posters :(

Nobody has been horrible. Mainly factual. If you wanted complete control you should've gone to a sperm bank. How do you think he feels?! He sees his child a pathetic few hours a week.
It's not about what you want anymore.

OP this plAce can be a bit weird at times, you might be better off posting elsewhere ❤️

OP, I do know how you feel because it must be hard sending your child off to be with their father if you don't feel he knows her as well as you and might not do the right thing. But he IS her father and I think you will have to trust him to do his best. It is a good thing that he wants to see his child and is fighting to do so even though he does sound a bit of a bully about it, and he should treat you with more respect, but I'm sympathetic that he does want to see his child so he might be upset and frustrated. He needs to have the chance to build up and spend more time with her and then he will learn. None of us knew what to do with our babies when we got them (I kept putting DS' nappy on the wrong way round?!), but we learned fast because we had to. He will do the same but give him the opportunity to make a connection with his child. Yes he won't do things the same as you but no father does the same as the mother; each parent has a unique role to play. In time you will probably find that he offers her things that you can't?

From my own experience, I tried to sort things out with my son's father but it was a disaster because he sexually harassed, assaulted and embarrassed me in front of my and his friends and family so that I couldn't even be alone with him without shaking and feeling scared, and was completely unreliable. I set up regular contact with me and his son across a number of months but he was late or didn't turn up every single time so eventually I gave up and told him he could arrange a contact centre and I would bring our son along; and he hasn't done anything. And he gives us no money either. Believe me when I say that your daughter's father could be a LOT worse! You need to consider a few years down the line; will you be able to explain to your child why she does/doesn't see her father?

I'd let your daughter go to her father for the time he wants. If she really isn't ready to be away from you that long, he can always bring her back and try again later on.

Start off with one day and one night, gradually build up the time she spends with her dad.

It really will be good for you to have time to yourself.

@OpinionatedCyborg
“Disgusting and pathetic” ???
you live up to your username don’t you.

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness Thank you. Although I'm not too sure how you concluded I was a cyborg. As for opinionated, everyone is on this forum.

Yes it is disgusting and pathetic to refuse a father his rights to see his child. You may disagree, that's your call.

I don’t disagree. I was referring to the way you communicated which I found hostile and entirely unsympathetic.

And I don’t think she is refusing contact, I think the OP is struggling to come to terms with the reality of what this all means.

Calling her disgusting and pathetic is ...... well disgusting and pathetic in itself.

You can disagree and be critical without being horrible

I think a lot of posters here have been very cold and harsh toward the OP.

We tell women to pay attention to their 'spidey senses' here, and we tell them 'we believe you', and then this thread illustrates that actually we are suckers who are easily taken in by a report of a man who wants to see his child so badly that he is terrifying the child's mother.

This man is horrible to her.
He threatens her. He shouts at her when the baby is around. She is afraid of him to the point where she shakes when he is due to come for the baby, and wants his mum and dad to do the pickups.

I am not sure if many of you have had experience of dealing with a man like this, who disrespects you, shouts at you, and will not be told he is doing things wrong with the baby you would probably throw yourself in front of a bus for if you had to. If you were dealing with a CM who treated you and your baby like this you would fire them and report them.

The OP doesn't have to fall on her knees and be grateful that this man is willing to take her baby off her hands for a few hours and then mismanage the baby just because thousands of other men are deadbeats. It is not a good thing that he wants fatherly rights here. He is a bully, and bullies bully and mistreat babies and children too.

There is no way this man is going to be a decent father and bring the baby back to the OP if she gets distressed. That would be admitting defeat or admitting that the OP was right all along, and he will never do that.

OP, I am speaking from bitter experience here.

You need to call Women's Aid.
You need a referral to a solicitor who has experience of dealing with abusive men. WA can give you some guidance here about solicitors and about how to deal with this man.

CALL THEM: 0808 2000 247. Leave a message. They will call back.

You are not going to get a reasonable discussion with this tyrant about visitation time. Get a solicitor and communicate that way. He can pay for one for himself if he is serious.

You do not own this child and are both parents.
Your are not entitled to more just because you gave birth.
Shocking the amount of women who see the child as more theirs than the poor fathers

@mathanxiety the OP has made it clear from her first post she doesn't see her child's father as an equal parent to her, other posters have pointed out if he went to court he would be awarded more contact than she is giving.

Telling her to phone Woman's Aid is a waste of their resources (if she can actually get through) when the situation can be easily sorted out.

He doesn't want to spend time in her house because it isn't his home and why should he be subject to surveillance when he's caring for his child? The OP isn't put under surveillance by him.

The OP will be in for a shock if she hires a solicitor as they will just repeat many of the points PP have made. Also neither party needs one as in Family Court you can self represent.

I personally know and known a few babies over 6 months who either has their main carer as their father or if the parents live separately the father has them at least one overnight per week. In fact my own baby from just over 4 months had her main carer as her father as he got better parental pay. Now she is older but still under a year she frequently spends one night a week with just him.

In regards to her feeding concerns babies like older children behaviour different with each person. Some will refuse to eat regularly but actually sleep better with their fathers.

Manthaniexty, thank you and I’ve received so many pms of support and I really appreciate it. I posted this in chat not aibu, maybe I should have posted in relationships.

I am not ever going to stop access of of spite and I am very willing for contact to grow with her age, he’s not being patient and it’s stressing me out as well as being horrible at picks up. How would these posters feel if they couldn’t speak to the Dad, I am scared of him, he’s tall intimidating person and I get so worked up because I’m not a confrontational person.

I will not be bullied into more time before she is ready. Babies do need a primary carer be it a dad or Mum for most of their time to build a bond. I don’t want to stop his bond but I don’t want to damage and upset my baby either. I’m not experienced this is my first baby, I am very worried and stressed out I can’t sleep I’m not eating.

:( people saying I’m selfish I’m trying to have my babies back! She’s the love of my life.

I’ve been to see a solicitor before when he threatened to take me to court to stop me breast feeding they adviced little and often with the contact and to drop it to 2 hours at a time 3 times a week until she’s year!

Do I don’t think contact he gets is outrageous. I just wanted advice and to speak to anyone else in my shoes.

Your baby won't be damaged though,I had to go back to work when ds1was five months old and ds2was 6 months old I worked shifts as a nurse and night shifts for the first 3 years of ds1_life ,many many mothers have to do this my children are not damaged or any less bonded to me because of this .

I remember your other threads I think (was his mum quite unkind and threatening also to you) and he is using access as a way to bully you. And he hadn't got your dds best interests at heart, he just wants to punish you.

Fucking massive hug, you are doing well to keep it together. He is an abusive twat. Definitely phone women's aid. Keep everything they send you logged in case you need it in future.

Thank you, I’ve messaged him with just the time tomorrow 1:30-6 and asked him to give her dinner. So extra time, He’s replied with ok, hopefully there’s no blood shed at pick up. :( I dread it every time. Another friend pointed out to me she’s away from her baby 4 days a week since her little boy was 3 months old. It made me think, he would only be having her 7 days a month. I just worry if I give him more time the pressure for over nights starts again. I’m also loathe to do it when he’s being a bully in case he’s like that every time to get his way. :(

You are right to suspect you will only get more pressure every time, and the bullying MUST stop.

Of course this is how he intends to continue.

ColaFreezePop

No this situation cannot be easily sorted out when one party has used threats and intimidation from the very start, including the threat that he could make a court stop the mother breastfeeding.

I am not sure where you have read that this is a reasonable, nice man.

He is not. He is an abusive bully, and if you think abusive bullies stop at abusing and bullying their partners and it never spills over to children, or if you think they are above using a baby or a child as a pawn in their abuse, you need to familiarise yourself with abuse.

How dare you suggest that the OP is wasting resources by calling WA.

This is exactly the sort of relationship that WA is set up to support women through.

I am simply flabbergasted that women here are suggesting there is an excuse for the treatment this man has meted out to the OP. His shouting and threats are ok because he is frustrated???

ColaFreezePop - you have the gall to accuse the OP of wasting resources if she calls WA but what about the entitled, abusive bozo wiling to waste the time of the family court in an effort to get a mother to stop breastfeeding?

I have officially seen it all now.

mathanxiety to be fair if you read carefully even the OP herself has said that she thinks he is shouting because he is frustrated. Yes it could be that he is abusive and she is being apologist for him, but equally it is a stressful situation and people can lose their tempers (I've shouted at my son's father many times as he is very exasperating), we don't know enough of the background from what OP has said as to whether he is abusive or not. It's good for her to be able to get some support where she can but my reading of the post is that whilst her ex partner is confrontational her key worry is about being separated from her baby.

However if he really IS abusive and a bully then it might be best to look at having someone around as a "chaperone" if doing handovers or meetings with the dad, I did this for a while to feel safer around my ex partner.

You will have to give him overnights pretty soon. For what reason would you/could you say no? Because you miss her? So does he, he’s her father.

If still BF I’m pretty sure you don’t have to give overnight contact