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Original poster

My mum squirted water in DSs face to discipline him

85 replies

AllHail · 15/06/2019 14:48

I just really need some help with this. I feel sick and conflicted.

DS has just turned 3, he’s in a challenging phase with he occasional tantrum and a fair amount of defiance. Nothing out of the ordinary particularly but he can be trying.

My mum is a lovely fun kind person who adores her grandchildren. She has always taken fabulous care of DS and his elder sister. However, she has a horrible temper, is a bit self centred and was very quick to smack and hit us growing up. She’s never shown any sign of doing anything like that to DC.

She and my dad had DS overnight on Thursday and took him out for the day on Friday. They had a nice day but towards the end it seems he became over tired, they had stopped at a relatives on the way home and had to leave. He then became hysterical in the car and took his seat belt off, they had to pull over on a busy road and he was hitting and kicking my dad so my mum squirted water in DSs face. He stopped hitting and they did his seatbelt up and went home. He was a bit agitated/getting upset quickly the rest of the late afternoon.

Mum told me all this on a text message as dad was on his way home with DS.

Just based on the bare facts of this situation, how would/should you react?

OP posts:

NameChange92 · 15/06/2019 15:52

Sounds like a good tip to surprise a child out of a tantrum.

insancerre · 15/06/2019 15:54

Why does your child behave like that?
Is it normal for him to hit out at adults?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 15/06/2019 15:55

Sprinkling with water as a distraction method was suggested for the shock value in a challenging behaviour parenting class but I think some people thought it was treating children like fighting animals and objected to that strategy.

HJWT · 15/06/2019 15:56

@CakeEquality well then you should of got a better car seat, please don't give out bad advice if you don't know all the facts.

Op at the end of the day its up to YOU and your DH what kind of seat your child uses! But maybe if he is going to be difficult when not around you a 5 point harness would be better to dodge these kinds of situations!

My DD is a big girl for her age so we had to get the Joie Bold which goes up to 25KG harnessed as she is not mature enough for a seat belt yet and would just climb straight out xx

Meccacos · 15/06/2019 16:04

He had a tantrum in a dangerous (potentially deadly) situation. Your mother stopped it quickly and without damage to your child. She then told you about this.

She has done nothing wrong.

AudacityOfHope · 15/06/2019 16:06

Jesus, I would never do that to my child no matter how they were behaving. And my parents who regularly look after all their grandchildren, some of whom are more spirited than others wouldn't even consider it. Awful behaviour. I admit I'm really surprised that so many are saying it's fine. I feel like if you posted this again another day you'd get a ton of responses of the opposite kind.

mogonfoxnight · 15/06/2019 16:14

I would probably trust your first gut reaction. If you weren't happy when you first read the text, then maybe reduce his hours with them or have more of a say in what they do with him. Another way of looking at it might be that yes, it was a dangerous situation and your mother just wanted the seat belt done up, but... would it have happened in the first place if he had been with you? Would you have recognised signs that he wasn't becoming agitated earlier in the day and prevented it from happening in the first place?

woodhill · 15/06/2019 16:22

Perfectly fine.

Who wants to be kicked and hit by a dc anyway

Echobelly · 15/06/2019 16:22

It seems like it was a distraction to break the tantrum more than anything, it wasn't violent or painful, so I think it's OK and I wouldn't say anything.

Corrine81 · 15/06/2019 16:25

Shock usually resolve situations like this, when I was little I used to faint every time I got over tired until one day when my mum did exactly the same to me when she saw me rollover my eyes, I have never fainted since. She’s done the right old fashion thing, but it worked. You should should watch your child now and see if he still kicks off like this around your mum , I bet he won’t.

user1497997754 · 15/06/2019 16:26

I think it was a really good idea as it diffused the situation quickly and effectively .....not nice to be kicked at in a tantrum at any age

Floralnomad · 15/06/2019 16:33

I think in the circumstances you’ve described it was fine and fwiw my ds could undo all buckles / straps / seat belts from aged 2 and it was purely bribery that kept him in any seats in a car. Why have you discussed it with your brother ?

Goingonagondola · 15/06/2019 16:35

I agree that your mum did the right thing. It sounds like she felt bad, but honestly it probably helped de-escalate a dangerous situation.

Avebury · 15/06/2019 16:37

I'd also be focusing far more on the extreme behaviour of my 3 year old than my mother. By 3 there is no excuse for hitting and kicking another adult unless there are underlying issues.

mogonfoxnight · 15/06/2019 16:49

*was becoming agitated, I meant

I'd also be focusing far more on the extreme behaviour of my 3 year old than my mother. By 3 there is no excuse for hitting and kicking another adult unless there are underlying issues

I agree it is extreme behaviour for a 3 year old, but rather than thinking "no excuses" I'd be thinking about the reasons why. Behaviour is communication at this age.

IHateUncleJamie · 15/06/2019 16:53

Extreme behaviour on both counts IMO. I’m interested in this:

I don’t agree with my brothers assessment of our childhood at all btw

Is he older? Might he be remembering things you don’t? Is there any chance you could have been treated differently?

I’d be concerned at my dc’s behaviour tbh but it would never ever cross my mind to squirt water at a child. That’s quite an odd thing to do, “horrible temper” or not. Sounds as if the whole trip was too long for both of them.

If I were you I would thank your Mum for her honesty and leave it at that BUT also take steps to make sure that whole situation doesn’t happen again (different car seat, shorter visits, you being there etc.)

Oh and please don’t be too quick to discount your brother’s version of his childhood.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/06/2019 16:55

At 3, I'd have expected poor behaviour in these circumstances because after a day out, visiting anyone on the way home would have been too much. We learnt quite quickly that one outing/activity per day was all they could cope with. So I do think that the situation could have been avoided, especially if his normal nap had been missed (mine all napped in the afternoon until they were 4).
I wouldn't be happy about the water, but I would accept that this is my issue (based on my parents being genuinely violent people). In that circumstance, something had to be done and the water was better than hitting or allowing the tantrum to continue.
If your parents are going to take him out again, then it would be worth looking at ways to avoid this happening again (look at kind of seat/harness, look at planning for a less stressful and exciting day etc), but I don't think your mum was wrong here. Everyone got home in one piece and a bit of a shock may have been just what was needed.

floraloctopus · 15/06/2019 16:56

It wouldn't have bothered me as it would have stopped him in his tracks long enough for them to stop him doing something dangerous. It's not like it was a whole bucket of water.

IvanaPee · 15/06/2019 16:58

Why is your brother involved in this?! Not his kid, not his business!

I think she distracted him in hard circumstances. I hope you apologized for his behaviour!

Ragwort · 15/06/2019 17:00

Sounds fine, having a child kicking and punching you is not a nice experience. How would you have suggested they deal with your tantrumming DS?

Branleuse · 15/06/2019 17:01

A lot of people are better grandparents than they were parents. Its far less intense, far less pressure. I can understand why this has made you stop in your tracks, but the reality is, she was in a really dangerous situation and your son was out of control. She didnt hurt him, but it gave him a shock and it worked.

AbbyHammond · 15/06/2019 17:03

The incident by itself (distracting him from extreme & dangerous behaviour) wouldn't bother me. I'd be mortified if any of my children hit or kicked their grandparents though.

It sounds like there were issues in your childhood, particularly for your brother, and this has triggered something. Has your mother used cold water as punishment/discipline in the past?

IncrediblySadToo · 15/06/2019 17:06

I’m quite baffled. I grew up in the ‘70s/89’s - I’m normally arguing that parents these days are too precious. But I’d find this completely unacceptable squirting water in someone’s face is horrible. It’s aggressive and nasty. His arms, legs etc fine, but NIT in his face. Besides the fact she could have really hurt him/caused some damage if she’d squirted it in his face. There are better ways to ‘distract’ a child and I’d even have preferred her to lightly slap his leg. It’s nothing like as nasty and aggressive as squirting water in his face. Poor mite.

AbbyHammond · 15/06/2019 17:09

I can't imagine how squirting some water in someone's face could do any damage or cause pain, but I totally do not accept anyone hitting my children.

Littlemisslists · 15/06/2019 17:13

You describe your son as challenging phase , occasional tantrum and a fair amount of defiance. Maybe he’s too much for your parents.
I also hope you apologised for his behaviour. Hitting and kicking your dad when he was driving was not acceptable so instead of painting your mum as bad for a bit of water she did a good job in getting him to stop.
So how I’d react is I’d apologise to my parents and see if his behaviour is getting too much for them

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