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Original poster

My mum squirted water in DSs face to discipline him

85 replies

AllHail · 15/06/2019 14:48

I just really need some help with this. I feel sick and conflicted.

DS has just turned 3, he’s in a challenging phase with he occasional tantrum and a fair amount of defiance. Nothing out of the ordinary particularly but he can be trying.

My mum is a lovely fun kind person who adores her grandchildren. She has always taken fabulous care of DS and his elder sister. However, she has a horrible temper, is a bit self centred and was very quick to smack and hit us growing up. She’s never shown any sign of doing anything like that to DC.

She and my dad had DS overnight on Thursday and took him out for the day on Friday. They had a nice day but towards the end it seems he became over tired, they had stopped at a relatives on the way home and had to leave. He then became hysterical in the car and took his seat belt off, they had to pull over on a busy road and he was hitting and kicking my dad so my mum squirted water in DSs face. He stopped hitting and they did his seatbelt up and went home. He was a bit agitated/getting upset quickly the rest of the late afternoon.

Mum told me all this on a text message as dad was on his way home with DS.

Just based on the bare facts of this situation, how would/should you react?

OP posts:
anothernotherone · 15/06/2019 15:15

Is your brother older? He may remember things you don't - I know I remember my parents' interactions with my youngest sister at an age she doesn't remember herself (so I have a twelve year old's memory of how they parented a 5 year old, for example) it gives a different perspective.

Aside from that there is an argument for saying that the water squirt was fine but not as discipline, as distraction in a fairly unusual and dangerous situation.

However your opening post describes your mother as an absolute Jeckle and Hyde character! I'm not sure I'd be leaving my kids overnight with a self centered person with a horrid temper who was very quick to smack and hot me growing up... The lovely, fun kind personality sounds great though Hmm

Imnotbent · 15/06/2019 15:17

A car seat being fine for his height and weight is not the same as being safe though.

CakeEquality · 15/06/2019 15:18

Time to get him back in a seat with a 5 point harness I think OP.

Not if he is too heavy for it. Then the seat belt is safer as the 5 point harness risks coming undone if in a collision. Some kids do not fit in a harness car seat at age 3. DS was the size of an average 4 year old when he was 2.5 and we had to move him out because he physically did not fit under the straps (long body).

Original poster
AllHail · 15/06/2019 15:19

He’s always been fine in this seat, no problems. It has a five point option so we will go back to that. I’d love it if this thread didn’t get sidetracked by car seat chat

OP posts:
CakeEquality · 15/06/2019 15:19

Forgot to answer OP! I think it's fine in that situation as you described it. A quick shock to stop the tantrum so they could get home safely.

LettuceP · 15/06/2019 15:21

My nearly 4yo is still in a 5 point harness because I do not trust her with a seat belt. Imagine if he undid it with only one adult driving who isn't aware that he has done it. Incredibly dangerous.

DonkeyHohtay · 15/06/2019 15:25

I think it's fine to squirt a small amount of water to distract a child who is behaving dangerously. And from what you say OP, it worked.

saywhatwhatnow · 15/06/2019 15:25

I think it's fine, he's three so old enough to know his behaviour wasn't great. A bit of water, changed the dynamic, stopped the (dangerously timed) tantrum, move on. Hopefully he wont do it again in a hurry.

Flower777 · 15/06/2019 15:26

It’s hard for people to comment really as we don’t know the history.

My gut reaction is that I wouldn’t be happy with this.

It sounds to me like they maybe attempted to do too much in one day.

It would make me feel very uncomfortable.
And I get that it would have been very stressful and potentially dangerous. But it has never even occurred to me to squirt water in my kids faces when they are upset.

Flower777 · 15/06/2019 15:27

Has there been anything else which has concerned you OP?

GlitterPixie · 15/06/2019 15:29

I wouldn’t be upset by this at all

StoppinBy · 15/06/2019 15:29

I was all ready to get mad on your behalf when I read the title but I agree with PP, in this case, she was doing her best to get him in to his seta belt in a potentially dangerous situation.

That being said I would definitely feel the need to keep an eye on it and if something similar happened again in a non dangerous situation let her know that while you understand why she did it with the seat belt, it is not ok to treat children like that in general.

As a person who had abusive parents myself I can see why it would cause you a lot of uneasiness though.

Billben · 15/06/2019 15:32

Your child was hitting and kicking in a small enclosed space. I don’t blame your mum for squirting him to distract him. I’d be apologising to them for his behaviour.
And as for taking his seat belt off 😱

gamerchick · 15/06/2019 15:32

You've tried to paint your mother in a bad light before you said what she did OP. It sounds like a genius way to snap a kid out of a tantrum like that in the situation you're describing. Kids need reining quickly in a dangerous situation. You made it sound as if it was going to be something terrible.

MustardScreams · 15/06/2019 15:33

I think I would have done the same with dd if I was in that situation. It’s enough to shock him out of the behaviour without shouting or smacking, and it worked.

I doubt he’ll play up again like that in the future.

lumpy76 · 15/06/2019 15:33

I don't think the seat has anything to so with it! My 2.5 yr old can undo a 5 point harness! Joie spin if anyone is interested, which make and model - we have 2 in 2 different cars and he can do both!!

ourkidmolly · 15/06/2019 15:38

Well the fact that your mum fessed up this in a long text tells you that she knows you'd be possibly unhappy about so she's not going to make a habit of it and that she's reflecting on her actions. Not saying it was right or wrong but just that it wasn't thoughtless and her reaction is considered. I think I'd move on from it if you've had good relations for many years. There seems to be a movement now that is totally unforgiving of our parents' parenting mistakes. Times change and society changes. My mum hit me growing up and we have a great relationship now. I can see that she had her issues. I don't hit my children but I can see that I could have done if I was parent 40 treats ago.
Obviously things are different if you're abused in a way that leaves irreparable damage. I'm not minimising abuse.

Crinkle77 · 15/06/2019 15:40

Sorry OP but think I'd be more worried the behaviour of my 3 year old who had been hitting and kicking his grandfather.

Drum2018 · 15/06/2019 15:43

I'd love it if this thread didn’t get sidetracked by car seat chat

The issue wouldn't have happened at all if he was in a correctly strapped seat though. Definitely use the 5 point straps until he is older.

As for your mother's tactic, good thinking on her part. It stopped him in his tracks and could have saved an accident.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/06/2019 15:43

It sounds like a smart idea to jolt your child out of a tantrum that was putting everyone in a dangerous situation.

AnotherEmma · 15/06/2019 15:43

How much does he weigh?
Legally a child has to be 15kg at an absolute minimum before they can go in a HBB.
But a 3 year old is clearly not mature enough to use a seatbelt instead of a 5 point harness.
If he's bigger than average and outgrown his Group 1 seat, you can get a Group 2/3 seat with a harness.
www.madeformums.com/reviews/the-best-group-2-3-car-seats-with-a-5-point-harness/

AnotherEmma · 15/06/2019 15:44

"The issue wouldn't have happened at all if he was in a correctly strapped seat though."
Exactly

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/06/2019 15:45

It sounds like leaving your Ds with your mother is ok in small doses but this sounds like an extended stay and she reverts to type.

I wouldn’t leave Ds with her for any real length of time again.

Need to ask does your Ds normally have a tantrum and take off his seat belt normally ?

diddl · 15/06/2019 15:50

It does sound like a diversion tactic rather than discipline as such and his behaviour did need to stop.

Did you know what they were planning to do in the day?

LynetteScavo · 15/06/2019 15:51

My DS could undo his 5 point harness at that age.

I would never have thought to squirt water in a tantruming child, but it actually sounds harmless and effective. My mum would probably have just driven home with the child out if the car seat.

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