Have or would you moved into your future husband's former marital home?

[Lemmers]

I'm engaged and we're trying to sort out where we're gonna live long term

My DP is perfectly content to sell his marital home and for us buy a new house

Money isn't an issue for us but it will mean upheaval for his children

DP's former wife moved out six years ago, their time in the home wasn't particularly harmonious but they did buy it as their forever home

Finances are sorted. He bought her out

The house is beautiful

Me and her are civil but will never be friends

Am I selfish for wanting to move and start afresh? Or am I just a silly cow for not wanting to live in "her" home?

I feel like selling and buying is such a big thing just to calm my feelings I feel guilty, even though DP is happy enough to do whatever to make me okay

not at all selfish, I wouldn't want to live in "their home" either to be honest, children or no children.

Thank you

I couldn’t do it. I don’t even like visiting my DP’s house as his ex still treats it like her own! However he doesn’t seem too bothered about mine and my ex is still on the mortgage etc.

I think, especially where DCs are concerned, it’s easier to establish ground rules and boundaries etc (who has access/spare keys, whose photos are up on the walls etc) if you get a new place that hasn’t ever belonged to one or other of you.

yes, but no children involved. It's just a house....however - if you can afford it and DP is willing, can he asked the children their opinion?

the children's opinion is irrelevant, assuming they do not pay the mortgage and bills. I did not consult my children when I moved house.

Move. If there are teenage children, they will object to every change. It will never feel like home. My ex kept objecting to changes on the grounds that it had been fine for ex wife and why was I so fussy.

It wouldn't bother me to live in such a house - it sounds lovely and I like to live in a lovely house :)

Perhaps you and DH could set aside a small sum out of the money you save by not moving, to do any projects on the house that you might have in mind to make it feel like 'yours'?

I did this- it was weird at first but felt like our home after a few years. Maybe you could decorate, it helps!

You're not a "silly cow" for not wanting to live there, but at the same time it might be good to see it from the pov of others who wouldn't be bothered by it - you're the one DH wants to be with at the end of the day! What about the possibility that you and DH will turn an unhappy house into a happy one and his children will love you for it.

It wouldn't bother me at all, I'd redecorate completely and be determined to make happy, loving memories in the house.

If it is a lovely home in the area you'd like I just think why hassle with the efforts and cost of selling and moving. I really wouldn't let the ex wife's 'shadow' hang over me for a second.

That's just how I'd feel though, you are NBU to feel you'd like a different house.

I'm not sure. We're moving into a new house but that's for practical relocation issues, would I have been willing to move into his if it were practical? I've never been uncomfortable staying there, but I can't be sure.

The children are fine they're too young to even remember their parents together properly and mum has re-married

I just don't know

Probably because she's likely to be in the house and critiquing it

It's just SO MUCH HASSLE

And yet, do I spend £10k doing this place up - to ultimately still be uneasy?

How much upheaval will it be for the kids? Will they move away from friends, a good park, school etc? Or do you just want to move round the corner?

No school moves - just the packing up and decorating of a new home

I think we're gonna move. I still feel terribly guilty

I did, we completely redecorated throughout & made it ours, no issues. Moved a few years later but only because we’d outgrown it with Dc.

I did, we lived there for a year while we bought somewhere together. He had been divorced for years before we met, and it didn't feel strange living there because he had lived there alone for so long. I was pleased when we moved into our own place, but more because it signified the next stage of our relationship.

I bought my exh out of our marital home. Dh moved in with me here. I had his name put on deeds and mortgage.
It made more sense as the mortgage was much smaller than we would have needed to buy a new home. We toyed with the idea and looked at loads of houses but never found anything as big for as small a mortgage as we had.
I dont have a massive house, its a 4 bedroom cape but the prices in this town have skyrocketed and we are now sitting on enough equity to buy a house outright in a few years after Dd2 leaves highschool and we move states.
Everything was decorated and generally tarted up when he moved in so it felt different to it did before. It was also a happy home and it was never that with exh, that alone made it feel different

He is so good, he's pretty much saying "it's up to you but if you're never gonna settle here then we have to move - you must feel happy"

IF we do move - it'll be five minutes away

We have to stay in the same area for work/school but thankfully there are lots of nice houses around here at similar prices

I just don't know if I'm being petty or not

Some say it wouldn't bother them. Some say start afresh 🤷🏽‍♀️

Would you rather have a lovely house decorated in every room exactly to your taste or would you rather have a new house and have less money available to make it perfect?

It's a no brainer for me but then I wouldn't have a problem with the exes ghost. He's moved on - it's in the past. My only decision would be, if I like the house and what I could do with it, enough to want to stay.

Probably because she's likely to be in the house and critiquing it sad

She'll be doing that in your new house too... Only more so because it's all your choice and taste.

What do the kids want?
It'll still be upheaval for them if things get redecorated and moved around - so moving wouldn't be too different.
Why don't you all go look at new houses together? They may be keen.

If you like the house I’d stay put. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, in fact we still have his ex’s wallpaper up because I really like it!

Could you live there for 2 years and then review? It's a lot of money to move house these days.

I wouldn’t do it but I know someone who did and it didn’t bother her In the slightest.

I found it difficult at first but, eleven years on, feel fine I didn't push my other half to move home. It would be a very expensive and, for him, emotional upheaval.

In your situation, I'd lived there a while and see how you feel after a couple of years.