Have or would you moved into your future husband's former marital home?

[Lemmers]

I'm engaged and we're trying to sort out where we're gonna live long term

My DP is perfectly content to sell his marital home and for us buy a new house

Money isn't an issue for us but it will mean upheaval for his children

DP's former wife moved out six years ago, their time in the home wasn't particularly harmonious but they did buy it as their forever home

Finances are sorted. He bought her out

The house is beautiful

Me and her are civil but will never be friends

Am I selfish for wanting to move and start afresh? Or am I just a silly cow for not wanting to live in "her" home?

I feel like selling and buying is such a big thing just to calm my feelings I feel guilty, even though DP is happy enough to do whatever to make me okay

It would be a no from me. It will always be his or their home. It's better to start again with your own place.

I don't understand how some folks do it, even sleep in the marital bedroom, the marital bed.

There was a woman on here who started a relarionship with her deceased friends widower. Slept in her bed and everything. I just simply couldn't do something like that.

So no I don't think you're unreasonable or should feel guilty. I think starting together in your own house is the best way.

Nope. I couldn't stay. Little things like people commenting on your lovely home and asking how you found it, what work you did first etc, and all the stories are about him and his ex. When you are debating doing something, he is explaining why him and his ex did it the way they did it and what they thought etc. Nah. It's their forever home and always will be their dream (that failed). I'd move.

I'd make a point of taking pleasure in you both finding the new home that is yours and his, don't treat it as a chore. It's part of defining what you want out of the relationship, the future you imagine together etc.

How might the DC react?

With stamp duty, legal, moving costs etc how much is the move likely to cost, £20k? Before any work needed to the new place.

In that situation think I would rather move into his and have the cash!

The ex-W’s opinions on your decor are irrelevant.

I'm in pretty much exact situation. I refuse to live there, I want no part of her at all. I loathe her (very long, identifiable story that I've shared under other usernames over the years but now want to try and remain less identifiable, hence no details)

The village the house is in is where DP grew up. He moved away then moved back there with her to try and fix their failing marriage and offer the children security with their grandparents being close by.

I don't want to live in the village. Knowing that the locals all know about DPs previous dramas/history.

He doesn't want to live in my house, for similar reasons (well, exes not the drama) and I don't own my home so it's all a bit complicated.

Urgh.

Anyway YANbU.

Beautiful home? I'd live there. I'd redecorate though. New kitchen. New furniture.

If the location is good and the house itself is fine then go for it. You'll spend less on a make over than you would on stamp duties etc if you moved

I moved into DH's house but his ex had moved out four years earlier with most if the furniture so it didn't feel wierd. We changed the carpets (needed doing anyway), painted a couple of rooms and moved things around a bit so it felt like we were making a home together We recently extended and the house looks very different now anyways so I'm very happy here. It's in a great location and has s lovely garden which made me reluctant to move.

Well I'm petty and I've told him

If I'm moving in there - a skip is going in the driveway and everything is going 😂

New everything. Everything 😩

Either way, it's gonna cost a fortune

Do you have a fortune, to pay for your sensibilities?

If you're that uneasy about it I would probably move.

It is a lot of money, but your marriage will be the centre of everything else. Just make sure that you have fun together choosing the new house. Make sure it feels like a genuinely joint project that you can both get excited about. That's the only way it could be worth it.

I would want to move too. I’ve lived in my DPs flat where he’s previously lived with a girlfriend a few years ago and we decorated it which made it feel ours. The big difference was that he’d bought it when single and it’d always been “his” flat

Have a careful look at the house layout vs all the rest of them in the road that are similar - see how they've extended/altered over the years.

Then do some mass alterations so it really changes the feel of the place - friends of mine built a massive rear extension and did the whole bi-fold doors thing, so when open onto the patio the light in what was a dingy kitchen is now alight and airy family room/kitchen/diner/patio/garden space. I cannot imagine the old layout now!

I moved into my DP's marital house. Not a problem. We did an extension at the back so new kitchen etc. With my belongings in it feels a different house. It took a couple of months to feel like home. It's my dp's house but our home. I own my own house if that's relevant which I rent out. I have more emotional issues with that if I'm honest!

I think moving is one thing. If there are children involved I certainly wouldn’t toss a lot into a skip. It’s just not fair on them.

absolutely move...
i said no to this...my dp was a bit puzzled and a bit cross as he wanted his dds to have stability ..they were young adults and one had her own flat , and i had 2 dds same ages . So i politely pointed out that meant my girls living in his girls home ..nope not happening.
I also did not ( secretly ) like the area and i did not want a big family home in suburbia.

my aunt did it years ago and it was awful...nearly ended her second marriage..my step uncles ex used to come round and make comments all the time about 'her' house...

My now DH moved into my previous marital home. It never really felt like an issue, he even slept in my old marital bed which I know loads of people would be horrified about (it was an expensive bed and I couldn't afford to replace it for no good reason). It wasn't even a historical situation for us, I got together with now DH before my divorce was final.

I suppose I'd have to ask DH but I know it never felt like an issue to him. I didn't have kids with exH and maybe that helped, but I was just a load of bricks and mortar to him I guess.

We don't live there now but that was nothing to do with why we moved. A lot of the stuff in our house (art, pots and pans etc) is also wedding presents from my first marriage and neither of us care. We are quite pragmatic people though and it's just 'stuff'.

I should add though, if it had bothered him then I'd have sold up. It would have taken longer for us to live together though and that's what mattered.

@Loopytiles money, thankfully, isn't a massive issue for us

What would the DCs’ likely reaction be to (i) moving house; (ii) extensive redecoration/replacement of furniture and fixtures?

If we are redecorating then we'll be asking them if they want their rooms done up too/if they want to move to other rooms - it's a five bed so there's scope for a little movement if they want

They're pretty laid back kids, we think they'll be okay with a house move too

I'm just a bit 🤷🏽‍♀️ over potentially stressing people out because of my own feelings

There are pros and cons to both situations

My oh moved in to what had previously been a home I purchased with my ex. At that time we wanted the next stage od living together but I wasn't prepared to sell up and move. My oh is incredibly well balanced, secure, wonderful and trusting. We never had any expressed discomfort about it. We bought our own place a couple of years after that.

The problem I have is that I have the crockery from the previous relationship. It's good quality, still a full unbroken, unchipped set that's in daily use. Whenever someone who knew him compliments the crockery I stupidly say it's from that relationship. I've looked in to replacing the set, such a waste of money... but should I to be rid if this link????

Whatever works for you @dudsville - if it doesn't bother you or your OH then that's excellent 🙂

Lucky you

Personally I can't wait to throw out the plates 😂😂😂😂

No I'd definitely want a fresh start 100%.

Also depends what’s on the market near you.

I can't say I see the point of the upheaval of selling a house, packing it up and moving to a similar one down the road. Moving and selling is expensive and bloody stressful, the money you'll save on stamp duty alone will probably pay for a complete overhaul.

Personally I'd be ok with this, but we're all different. I understand the need for a fresh start.