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Original poster

Family feud. Should I accept largish sum of money or not?

65 replies

Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 22:44

This is a complete saga but I'll try to keep it relatively short!

My dad has 1 brother, let's call him Dave. Dave has no children and I am the only child of my dads. Dave is my godfather. Dave and my dad fell out about 20 years ago because he apparently insulted my mum who now absolutely hates him. As a result I rarely saw Dave growing up.

When Dave and dads mum died she left them some money. Dave seemed to take a renewed interest in the family and was trying to contact me more often. I had no problem with this as I quite like Dave and his wife and more importantly my children really like him. He always makes an effort to send my children birthday gifts etc and he has visited several times to see them although he lives about 5 hours away. I think his mum dying made him take more of an interest in his remaining family.

When their mum died Dave and my Dad inherited around a hundred grand each. Dave rang my dad and suggested they both gave me a certain amount towards a deposit on a house as it's what their mum would have wanted (I was not party to this discussion at the time) My dad agreed at first but then my mum went ballistic when she found out, rang Dave and shouted a lot of abuse at him. He then withdrew this offer.

A few years later my other grandmother died and she left me 50grand. That was great and my husband and I decided to use it to buy our first home. The area we are living in is expensive but my son was at school here. We found the perfect house but it was 15 grand over budget. We were going to discount it but my dad decided to ask Dave for the 15 grand (again I was not party to this) Dave refused saying he could not afford to now because if medical issues. Apparently this made my parents angry.
My parents had also been left money from my gran, around 120 grand. They decided they would give us the 15 grand out of this money because they liked the house and wanted us to stay in this area. We gratefully accepted. My dad said that they would need that money back eventually but that there was no rush and we could pay it back in small installments over time.

So we moved into the house and it needed a lot if work doing to the roof etc so our financial situation is not great right now. Things are okay, we have food and we get by okay iyswim... we just now have a bit of debt.
Dave came to see us for my sons birthday which was lovely. But after he left he sent me a message saying that he wanted to give us 5 grand. Hed come to see the house and hed heard me talk about my plans and the furniture we needed (we just have a few second hand bits so it looks a bit odd) and he wanted to help with that.

Well now I have a big dilemma because it seems whatever I do here is wrong. If I accept this money my parents will obviously want it because I owe it to them and for some reason they seem to think Dave owes it to them. But if I take the money and give it to my parents then Dave is going to be really angry about that and that could potentially ruin my relationship with him which would be very sad as my kids love him. If I take it and dont tell my parents I'm just going to feel very shady about that indeed (they are coming to stay for a few weeks soon, they dont live in the uk) it just feels wrong. So for me it seems like we should politely decline this money?

My husband thinks I'm being crazy and we should take the money to do up the house pay off the credit card, and just continue to pay my parents in installments...
But he doesnt know them like I do and I just know that accepting that money is going to make it all kick off...

Thank you for reading if you've got this far.... this is a big issue for me. I know it sounds nice with all this money being thrown about but the whole thing makes me feel a bit sick. They've all been at this since I was very young. My parents used to have these constant blazing rows about it all. I cant accurately describe what it was like but i have anxiety problems as an adult and i think it might, at least a little, have something to do with that situation. It's really tense. I didnt even do anything and yet i feel like everyone is angry.
I know the best thing would have been to not accept any money off of any of them ever...but i felt like to move my son out of his school for the sake of owing them this 15grand wouldve been crazy...

I cant really discuss this with anyone in real life because it's pretty annoying for them isnt it. I do know I'm very lucky to be offered money at all. I'm just finding it very stressful. I dont want to hurt anyone but it seems like all options available hurt someone.

So I'd like to hear what other people would do?
Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 13/06/2019 22:47

I think living within your means would be a good place to start.

Bringonspring · 13/06/2019 22:50

Hey, your uncle wants to give you money to support with buying furniture etc not for the money to be used to pay back your parents. Your uncle doesn’t owe your parents anything

Rockbird · 13/06/2019 22:53

I think it's none of your parents business. You are entitled to have a relationship with your uncle and if he gives you a gift of money for a certain purpose then that's what you use it for.

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Families
Original poster
Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 22:53

@Bringonspring I know he doesnt but they seem to think he does... and so they will be angry at me.... I do see where they are coming from, they helped me and I'd be repaying them by not taking their side. But obviously i can also see that my uncle doesnt really owe them anything at all and that it would be insulting to him to just hand over his money to them when he clearly doesnt want them to have it.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 13/06/2019 22:57

Take the gift and use it as your uncle intended.

Do your parents even have to find out?

Original poster
Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 22:57

That's what my husband says but I feel like I owe them not just because of the money but because they are my parents and I know how much my mum hates him. Shes really hurt by it. It's not reasonable but it's a fact. When she even hears that I've spoken to him she gets very weird with me.

OP posts:
Hanab · 13/06/2019 22:59

2 totally separate issues ...

Your agreement with your parents presumably is a written contract where by you pay back in instalments .. even if it is not that is the agreement ...

The money your uncle gives you is a gift to you.. it has absolutely nothing to do with your parents and they have no right to it.

Just keep paying their money back as per your agreement.. do not default and if you don’t have a written agreement sort 1 out asap...

That way you both covered 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 23:03

We dont have a written agreement. My dad was extremely vague about it. But I think if they find out about this 5 grand they wont be so vague! I was probably wrong to accept the 15 off them in the first place. Which makes me think I'd be wrong to accept more money off anyone... but as I've said, my husband just thinks I'm being crazy

OP posts:
PocketsForMe · 13/06/2019 23:04

Could your uncle pay for work/buy furniture direct and then give it you iyswim?

I kind of see where your parents would think he owes them ( I don’t agree)
This would be easiest all round I think, or you could just buy your own stuff 😬

Original poster
Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 23:11

Well I think a contributing factor here is that I personally cant buy anything because I'm a SAHM to two under 4s at the moment. So its wall to wall guilt about money from my side. I also feel like I should just take this 5 grand and give it to my husband. But also I'm incredibly stressed about having so little control of things with all these people passively aggressively throwing money about (and yes I know I put myself in this situation and I should've done many things differently) I wish I didnt care about what anyone felt and thought but I think the crux of it is that I think I owe all these people happiness in return for their money and I cant provide that because they all want different things.

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 13/06/2019 23:24

Why don't you ask Dave if he would buy you the furniture rather than give you the cash? That way you wouldn't be able to give it to your parents and Dave gets to do the nice thing he wants to do?

I suspect your mum will still get upset but I think you need to do a bit of reflection on just how controlling her behaviour is to you and Dave.

PocketsForMe · 13/06/2019 23:26

You don’t owe anyone happiness

You owe your parents some money, keep paying it back as you are

I would take the uncle’s money but as I said ask him to pay for furniture or whatever directly, then it’s a gift.

Sorry to be blunt but if you want control over this situation take nothing from anyone again

Original poster
Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 23:33

@Bufferingkisses should I explain the situation to Dave? Or would that make things worse between them all? If I ask him to just get a gift he might want to know why

OP posts:
ButiLoveHim32 · 13/06/2019 23:57

I would take myself out of it. Tell Dave that it's very kind of him. Obviously given previous issues you know your parents would be uneasy so could he just deal with your dh. Let him take the money, buy the furniture etc and you can keep a clear (ish) conscious knowing you have personally touched the money.

HerRoyalNotness · 14/06/2019 00:07

Explain your dilemma to Dave. You parents need not know. Don’t spend it until after they’ve visited. How much do you still owe them?

I don’t understand parents who would. It like good gifts given to their children. Your mother tbh sounds like a piece of work and the root of the issues. If they find out, it’s none of their damn business.

cstaff · 14/06/2019 00:10

Your parents don't need to know about the gift from Dave and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Their issues are theirs to sort. Don't involve yourself or your partner.

Too much drama there. Also your relationship with Dave is none of your folks business. It is actually great that you can maintain a good relationship with him under the circumstances.

Nancydrawn · 14/06/2019 00:12

I agree that Dave getting you an in-kind item rather than cash will probably take the worst of the sting out of it for both you and your parents. You could think of it as a housewarming gift: Dave got you a couch and a dining room table as a housewarming gift, or whatever.

There are bigger issues at play, though. If you can have a calm talk with your parents — and I understand if you can't — it would be worth sitting down with them and saying that you are deeply grateful for the money; you appreciate everything that's been done; but that you also feel very much caught in the middle between Dave and them and feel a bit as if money's been used as stakes in their feud. If you can be really honest, you can reveal that you're struggling in this crunch time of childhood to give your wonderful kids (their grandkids) the life you know they want for them, but that the dynamic was so hard that when Uncle Dave offered to help, you felt not grateful but terribly guilty. That you know that they wanted Dave to help once upon a time but that you couldn't accept his help now without worrying about starting it up again. That it's a terrible dynamic and one that you don't want to continue.

I doubt you can be totally honest about the root issues, but perhaps you could have a conversation about getting out of the Dave dynamic.

0DimSumMum0 · 14/06/2019 00:51

What I don't understand is why Your Dad would think that Dave owes him the money? Dave made a lovely gesture in offering to help with with your deposit and then withdrew it after getting verbally abused. The offer was therefore no longer on the table so your Dad is owed nothing.
Also not to judge but it's not like your Mum and Dad don't have the money after all they have inherited. I would take the money.

July2019 · 14/06/2019 01:01

Dave rang my dad and suggested they both gave me a certain amount towards a deposit on a house as it's what their mum would have wanted (I was not party to this discussion at the time) My dad agreed at first but l
then my mum went ballistic when she found out, rang Dave and shouted a lot of abuse at him. He then withdrew this offer.

I'm so confused by this paragraph - why would your mum go ballistic about your uncle (or dad or anyone, for that matter!) offering to give her daughter a substantial amount of money to get her started in life. I bet if Dave hadn't offered any money over at all, that would have been the wrong thing as well.

I'm sorry OP! Money brings out the worst

wafflyversatile · 14/06/2019 01:11

Can Dave give the money to your husband?

Its hard to see your mum (and dad) in a great light here. People fall out but mostly IME they dont expect others to have to fall out too. Unless Dave is deliberately baiting them, using you as a pawn, dangling money then your parents are being unfair interfering with your relationship with Dave.

Bluerussian · 14/06/2019 01:33

Take the money, no need to tell your parents if it can be avoided. Don't splash out all at once, then it won't be obvious you've had a windfall.

Dave sounds really nice btw and your mum sounds really unforgiving.

spinderella78 · 14/06/2019 01:40

Do you have any idea why your mum acts like this around Dave? It feels as if that might explain her behaviour. Insulting her years ago doesn't seem in keeping with her reaction. Is it cognisant with her normal personality or just something that Dave seems to trigger?

I also can't see why your parents would feel Dave owes them money but suspect that might be linked somehow?

I think assuming there is no reason to suspect she has a real reason for feeling the way she does about Dave, you should take the money and not tell them. It is a gift and entirely separate to the agreement you have with them to pay back their loan.

Jux · 14/06/2019 02:20

Your parents are nuts!

Take the money from Dave and spent it on furniture, credit card debt and a slap up meal in a restaurant you will never be able to afford again.

If they ask about how you could afford the new stuff, lie. Say dh had a big bonus, or you used credit cards and anyway everything was in a sale or something. Maybe an acquaintance wih more money than sense was redoing her house and this was her 'old' furniture which she'd gone off after redecorating.

SusieQ5604 · 14/06/2019 04:32

OMG this whole thing is nuts. Too much sugar for a dime. Just take it, buy the furniture. Tell your parents the store had a sale and gave you interest free payments. Geeesh.

It's really your parents' problem and you are making it yours.

Longdistance · 14/06/2019 04:54

I think your parents are stingey. Mine would never ask for money back. They’re sat on that inheritance which you’ll probably get anyway (unless they’re planning on giving it to the cats home).
What Dave gives you is none of their business. Your mum sounds a right one pulling all the strings. She’s the puppeteer in all this.