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Original poster

Family feud. Should I accept largish sum of money or not?

65 replies

Krisskrosskiss · 13/06/2019 22:44

This is a complete saga but I'll try to keep it relatively short!

My dad has 1 brother, let's call him Dave. Dave has no children and I am the only child of my dads. Dave is my godfather. Dave and my dad fell out about 20 years ago because he apparently insulted my mum who now absolutely hates him. As a result I rarely saw Dave growing up.

When Dave and dads mum died she left them some money. Dave seemed to take a renewed interest in the family and was trying to contact me more often. I had no problem with this as I quite like Dave and his wife and more importantly my children really like him. He always makes an effort to send my children birthday gifts etc and he has visited several times to see them although he lives about 5 hours away. I think his mum dying made him take more of an interest in his remaining family.

When their mum died Dave and my Dad inherited around a hundred grand each. Dave rang my dad and suggested they both gave me a certain amount towards a deposit on a house as it's what their mum would have wanted (I was not party to this discussion at the time) My dad agreed at first but then my mum went ballistic when she found out, rang Dave and shouted a lot of abuse at him. He then withdrew this offer.

A few years later my other grandmother died and she left me 50grand. That was great and my husband and I decided to use it to buy our first home. The area we are living in is expensive but my son was at school here. We found the perfect house but it was 15 grand over budget. We were going to discount it but my dad decided to ask Dave for the 15 grand (again I was not party to this) Dave refused saying he could not afford to now because if medical issues. Apparently this made my parents angry.
My parents had also been left money from my gran, around 120 grand. They decided they would give us the 15 grand out of this money because they liked the house and wanted us to stay in this area. We gratefully accepted. My dad said that they would need that money back eventually but that there was no rush and we could pay it back in small installments over time.

So we moved into the house and it needed a lot if work doing to the roof etc so our financial situation is not great right now. Things are okay, we have food and we get by okay iyswim... we just now have a bit of debt.
Dave came to see us for my sons birthday which was lovely. But after he left he sent me a message saying that he wanted to give us 5 grand. Hed come to see the house and hed heard me talk about my plans and the furniture we needed (we just have a few second hand bits so it looks a bit odd) and he wanted to help with that.

Well now I have a big dilemma because it seems whatever I do here is wrong. If I accept this money my parents will obviously want it because I owe it to them and for some reason they seem to think Dave owes it to them. But if I take the money and give it to my parents then Dave is going to be really angry about that and that could potentially ruin my relationship with him which would be very sad as my kids love him. If I take it and dont tell my parents I'm just going to feel very shady about that indeed (they are coming to stay for a few weeks soon, they dont live in the uk) it just feels wrong. So for me it seems like we should politely decline this money?

My husband thinks I'm being crazy and we should take the money to do up the house pay off the credit card, and just continue to pay my parents in installments...
But he doesnt know them like I do and I just know that accepting that money is going to make it all kick off...

Thank you for reading if you've got this far.... this is a big issue for me. I know it sounds nice with all this money being thrown about but the whole thing makes me feel a bit sick. They've all been at this since I was very young. My parents used to have these constant blazing rows about it all. I cant accurately describe what it was like but i have anxiety problems as an adult and i think it might, at least a little, have something to do with that situation. It's really tense. I didnt even do anything and yet i feel like everyone is angry.
I know the best thing would have been to not accept any money off of any of them ever...but i felt like to move my son out of his school for the sake of owing them this 15grand wouldve been crazy...

I cant really discuss this with anyone in real life because it's pretty annoying for them isnt it. I do know I'm very lucky to be offered money at all. I'm just finding it very stressful. I dont want to hurt anyone but it seems like all options available hurt someone.

So I'd like to hear what other people would do?
Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

jay55 · 14/06/2019 05:02

I'm with LongDistance, your parents have had two substantial inheritances and want you to be beholden to them.

LikeSilentRaindrops · 14/06/2019 05:28

If I’ve understood correctly, your parents lost any moral high ground they may or may not have had with this: We were going to discount it but my dad decided to ask Dave for the 15 grand (again I was not party to this)

So they’re prepared to ask Dave to fund you additional money when they feel like it (and therefore not have to put their hand in their own pocket?) That’s pretty messed up.

Take the money from Dave for the purpose he intends it and thank him, profusely, that he still treats you as family even while your parents are being pretty inconsistent with him. Either tell them, pointing out their hypocrisy if they object, or don’t tell them - they have no right to know anything of your finances.

blushmelikeyou · 14/06/2019 05:54

Your parents don't seem like very nice people OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Marchitectmummy · 14/06/2019 06:05

Do you know what furniture you want? If you do ask Dave to buy the furniture itself rather than give you money.

FabulouslyGlamourosFerret · 14/06/2019 06:25

Your parents sound a bit mad! We have a 'Dave' in our family, he's a paedophile - that's why mum hates him, my Children know this is why we don't see him, none of my cousins do though.

Figure8 · 14/06/2019 06:36

My mum and aunt have been at war since God knows when.
I live in another country, and recently got to see her on my own, as an adult. What a revelation! She's lovely.

Don't give it directly to your DH- hes your uncle and you are a grown woman.

Your parents asked Dave ( your uncle) to give you money- he declined, they got mad, he is now offering. I'm confused why they would be mad.

Take it, or don't take it, but you don't owe your parents any explanation- again, you are grown.

Iris1654 · 14/06/2019 06:37

Wow, they have inherited money left right and centre and they want you to repay them!!

5k won’t go far, spend it subtly or buy a big ticket item. Don’t tell them. It’s not like you need to explain your spending as an adult!

Be wary of accepting loans in the future.

itsasmallworldafterall · 14/06/2019 06:54

So Dave was to give you the £15 k from his inheritance even though your Dad received the same amount?
And your parents want paid back but you weren't to pay Dave back?
This is crazy. I can't imagine not wanting to gift the money to my own child. Even crazier to think of phoning my brother and telling him to give my child money.

The real puzzle is what did Dave say/do to your mum in the past- I would really try to find this out-from both sides independently. It will let you know who you should trust.

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 14/06/2019 06:58

Have you ever stood up to your parents op? Told them to turn down the crazy?

MissDai5y · 14/06/2019 07:01

Why doesn't Dave just buy the furniture and bits you want? Ok that's not cash to pay off your credit card but also its not cash that your parents will expect.

He gets to give you something, you can't very well refuse a sofa or cooker or whatever so it's easier to explain to your parents. Maybe it's not 5 grands worth but it's something.

It's a lovely gesture and I'm sure if you explained your thinking of the politics of it all with Dave he'd see the reasoning.

You could tell your parents that you'd spoken to him about what you wanted to do and the things you had your eye on and he'd ordered it.

fedup21 · 14/06/2019 07:01

Your parents sound really odd. What on earth did he say to/about your mum that would mean they have this hatred towards him?

Also, he offers you money, they say no way. Then later, despite trying him like dirt, they ask for the money and when told he can’t give it to them for medical reasons, they are pissed off with him?!

Stormy76 · 14/06/2019 07:09

Your mum sounds like she is the problem tbh. Take the money and buy furniture, or get Dave to buy the furniture and tell your parents that their ridiculous feud with your uncle is none of your business. You have no siblings and want a relationship with him and for your children to see him. You need to stand up for yourself, you are not a child and this is not your battle.

Frouby · 14/06/2019 07:11

Take the money from Dave. Spend the money from Dave on whatever you need to make the house a home.

Tell your parents afterwards. 'We are so lucky, Uncle Dave bought us x,y,z. It means we can start paying back that 15k sooner rather than later, isn't that fantastic'.

If they kick off it's their problem. Not yours. Not Daves. But I would tell Dave that you owe your parents 15k, you are using the money he gives for x,y,z but knowing the history your parents are likely to kick off at him or at you.

He might just double that 5k just for shits and giggles. I absolutely would, your parents sound controlling, manipulative and bitter. Be glad they live abroad.

Symbol · 14/06/2019 07:13

Did your parents ask Dave for 15k for you even though they had inherited 100k from one of your grandmothers and 120k from the other and had not at that point given you any if it? If so, they have some cheek.

I wouldn't take any more money from your parents. Giving you a loan should not give them control over your life.

If I took the 5K from Dave I wouldn't tell your parents though they may find out.

yearinyearout · 14/06/2019 07:16

Your parents don't need to know about it. Just take the money, pay off your debts and gradually buy a few pieces of furniture with it. As long as you don't suddenly overhaul the whole house they are unlikely to notice!

Bubblysqueak · 14/06/2019 07:17

Could your uncle go shopping with you? That way he wouldn't be gifting you money, but would be giving you furniture. There would be no money to give your parents.

Or take the money, buy the furniture and don't tell your parents where the money came from.

dimsum123 · 14/06/2019 07:21

I agree with pp. Why are your parents asking you to pay the money back? Surely it's all going to come to you anyway? And giving it to you now will save on inheritance tax later on.

BrilliantYou · 14/06/2019 07:26

All options are going to cause a problem so do what will benefit you more in terms of paying off your debt etc.

If you explain to your parents that you've gotten yourself into credit card debt etc and the house needs work will they understand why your uncle wants to give you 5k and accept this? Surely no parent wants their children to be in debt.

Are you making regular repayments to your parents for the 15k? Could you clear your credit card and give rest to your parents towards the 15k?

AJPTaylor · 14/06/2019 07:29

Your parents are weird. Why are they trying to control your relationship with your uncle
Take the money. Spend it. Do not mention it to your parents.

Bloomburger · 14/06/2019 07:30

I still can't figure out why your parents think Dave owes them money?

Hoggytat · 14/06/2019 07:30

It's curious as to why your mum blocked Dave's suggestion at giving you money for a deposit out of your grandmas inheritance. At that point you said Dave hadn't had much to do with the family because of the feud.

Now he's offering you £5k with no strings attached yet you're worried as your parents £15k does come with strings attached.

Perhaps I'm off the mark but I wonder if some of the original inheritance was meant for you.

How so your parents react when they find out you see Dave? How does Dave talk about your parents? As others say the £5k should be nothing to do with your parents. Yet it seems it is.

Soontobe60 · 14/06/2019 07:31

So, your grandmother died and left 100k to your dad, then your other grandmother passed away and left your mum 150k. They very generously lent you 15k which you are paying back despite being a SAHM. Personally I think it's your parents who are being pretty crap. I'm assuming they already had their own house so may not have actually needed 250k and could easily afford to give you the money.
I would take the generous offer from your uncle and buy whatever furniture you need. It's sod all to do with your parents. Unless they ask how you afforded the furniture I wouldn't even mention it to them as it's none of their business.
If they find out and then turn round and ask for the rest of their money back just remind them about the terms of repaying it. What I might do before all this though is to maybe text your parent to confirm how much of the loan is left, how much you can pay each month and how long it will take to repay. And keep the text plus their reply (screen shot) that way if they do anything like try to insist on it being paid back sooner you've got proof of the arrangement.
You need to be a bit more adult around your parents. They are being mean!

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2019 07:35

How are you with your mum because on reading this she refused to give you some of her side of 5he inheritance, expected Dave to rather than her and now would demand this money back

She sounds toxic your Uncle sounds nice. I suspect the initial fall out was t him at all

Parky04 · 14/06/2019 07:38

Really surprised that your parents want paying back in the first place. They inherit over £100,000 and lend you £15,000! That aside, accept the £5k and continue to pay your parents back in installments.

Happynow001 · 14/06/2019 07:42

Another wrinkle: did you take legal advice about the £50K you inherited before investing it in the new house - ie, ring-fencing it so that if the worse happened and you and your husband divorced you would not lose 50% of it? Divorce might be very unlikely but did you get advice about this?

Also why did your parents themselves only give you the £15K as a loan and not a gifted outright, given they had inherited £120K?

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