Family feud. Should I accept largish sum of money or not?

[Krisskrosskiss]

This is a complete saga but I'll try to keep it relatively short!

My dad has 1 brother, let's call him Dave. Dave has no children and I am the only child of my dads. Dave is my godfather. Dave and my dad fell out about 20 years ago because he apparently insulted my mum who now absolutely hates him. As a result I rarely saw Dave growing up.

When Dave and dads mum died she left them some money. Dave seemed to take a renewed interest in the family and was trying to contact me more often. I had no problem with this as I quite like Dave and his wife and more importantly my children really like him. He always makes an effort to send my children birthday gifts etc and he has visited several times to see them although he lives about 5 hours away. I think his mum dying made him take more of an interest in his remaining family.

When their mum died Dave and my Dad inherited around a hundred grand each. Dave rang my dad and suggested they both gave me a certain amount towards a deposit on a house as it's what their mum would have wanted (I was not party to this discussion at the time) My dad agreed at first but then my mum went ballistic when she found out, rang Dave and shouted a lot of abuse at him. He then withdrew this offer.

A few years later my other grandmother died and she left me 50grand. That was great and my husband and I decided to use it to buy our first home. The area we are living in is expensive but my son was at school here. We found the perfect house but it was 15 grand over budget. We were going to discount it but my dad decided to ask Dave for the 15 grand (again I was not party to this) Dave refused saying he could not afford to now because if medical issues. Apparently this made my parents angry.
My parents had also been left money from my gran, around 120 grand. They decided they would give us the 15 grand out of this money because they liked the house and wanted us to stay in this area. We gratefully accepted. My dad said that they would need that money back eventually but that there was no rush and we could pay it back in small installments over time.

So we moved into the house and it needed a lot if work doing to the roof etc so our financial situation is not great right now. Things are okay, we have food and we get by okay iyswim... we just now have a bit of debt.
Dave came to see us for my sons birthday which was lovely. But after he left he sent me a message saying that he wanted to give us 5 grand. Hed come to see the house and hed heard me talk about my plans and the furniture we needed (we just have a few second hand bits so it looks a bit odd) and he wanted to help with that.

Well now I have a big dilemma because it seems whatever I do here is wrong. If I accept this money my parents will obviously want it because I owe it to them and for some reason they seem to think Dave owes it to them. But if I take the money and give it to my parents then Dave is going to be really angry about that and that could potentially ruin my relationship with him which would be very sad as my kids love him. If I take it and dont tell my parents I'm just going to feel very shady about that indeed (they are coming to stay for a few weeks soon, they dont live in the uk) it just feels wrong. So for me it seems like we should politely decline this money?

My husband thinks I'm being crazy and we should take the money to do up the house pay off the credit card, and just continue to pay my parents in installments...
But he doesnt know them like I do and I just know that accepting that money is going to make it all kick off...

Thank you for reading if you've got this far.... this is a big issue for me. I know it sounds nice with all this money being thrown about but the whole thing makes me feel a bit sick. They've all been at this since I was very young. My parents used to have these constant blazing rows about it all. I cant accurately describe what it was like but i have anxiety problems as an adult and i think it might, at least a little, have something to do with that situation. It's really tense. I didnt even do anything and yet i feel like everyone is angry.
I know the best thing would have been to not accept any money off of any of them ever...but i felt like to move my son out of his school for the sake of owing them this 15grand wouldve been crazy...

I cant really discuss this with anyone in real life because it's pretty annoying for them isnt it. I do know I'm very lucky to be offered money at all. I'm just finding it very stressful. I dont want to hurt anyone but it seems like all options available hurt someone.

So I'd like to hear what other people would do?
Thanks for reading!

I personally think it's ridiculous that after all your parents have inherited, they would be looking for the £15K back. But money and families can be a complicated mix and I understand your dilemma. I would tell uncle that you appreciate the gesture but would prefer if he could just buy you a few items.

Could you talk to your uncle an ask him not to discuss his gift with your parents? Sounds like his gifts are no strings attached and you are very lucky to have him.
I know you are in the middle of their nightmare relationship but you do benefit from it.
I'll would accept the money and start a payment plan with your Dad to pay the 15k you don't have to hand over the 5k but do start paying your parents.

If your parents insisted nobody ever wore yellow and your mum went ballistic when she realised people wore yellow, would you still get your kids a yellow T-shirt you loved and think mum is totally crazy and I’m not going along with that? If you actually wouldn’t have any yellow in this case you need to take a big step back from your parents and counselling. If you can see that’s nuts can you see they are similarly nuts about money?
‘Wants to give MY daughter his money? HELL NO, DONT YOU EVER SPEAK TO THAT BASTARD AGAIN’. Oh and we won’t give her any money. Oh she really needs it. Alright let’s give her some but only as a loan. But NOONE else can give my struggling daughter money!’
Batshit. Parents should care more about their children’s welfare.

Take the money. Have a lovely relationship with Dave. Don’t tell your parents. Don’t feel guilty, feel glad you can pull back from their all-about-me dramas.

Money truly brings out the worst in people.
If your parents inherited 120k why were they asking Dave to give you 15k in the first place? They sound very greedy!

Personally I wouldn't explain but I might allude, something like "so generous, really would like to take you up but politically it would be better if we could choose together and you order " or something along those lines?

So complicated OP, I feel for you. If you explained to Dave, could he buy you gift vouchers instead?! John Lewis or somewhere? So tricky!

They are all slightly toxic but they are also all my family and I love them. I cant help but sympathise with my mother and part of that is because I think everyone views her as unhinged... but I know she has been genuinely hurt for many years about my dads family who were quite passive aggressive and hostile towards her... she didnt react well to it. To be honest I think she has some sort of personality disorder. She cant seem to control her emotional reactions. I can see where she is coming from but its massively blown out of proportion and she cant seem to see anything from anyone elses point of view. But i love her and dont want to hurt her.
I think it's also possible she has a shopping addiction of some type. My parents are quite wealthy and own two houses themselves. Yet they always seem quite shady about money. I think theres something going on there that they are hiding... so I think they do need the 15 grand back for some reason despite having all that other money.
It's all really emotionally charged and I'm sad I let myself get into this situation. I left home at 16 and had very low contact with them all for a decade. But since I got married and had children its seemed important to make them part of my life and they are really loved grandparents etc
I guess part of me was still clinging to the happy family dream where they will visit us in this house and just be happy to spend time with their grandchildren..... but I'm massively having to ignore or explain away loads of my mums shady behaviour.

Anyway thank you for all your advice. I think I'm going to do what people say and thank Dave for the offer of money but ask if he would instead like to buy us a few household items we need like a washing machine etc...that way I think it will be less emotionally charged but he still gets to do something nice for us and help us in our new home.

Ask him if he and his wife would like to spend a day out with you and Dh, choosing the stuff you need. That way it sounds as if you want to include them. As regards your parents, all they need to know is that Dave brought you out for a day and told you to pick whatever furniture you needed and bought it as a much welcomed gift to you and Dh.

Your parents sound truly awful

I dont want to think they are awful it makes me feel very guilty and unhappy to even entertain that thought.
But I really dont agree with the way they have been behaving towards Dave.

I dont want to think they are awful

But they really have behaved in a pretty awful way on several occasions. You yourself said you left at 16 and were non/low contact with them.

How is the dynamic between your mum and dad? It could be that they recognised your mum for being a bad influence and knew she would cause issues.

What makes you think your mum has a shopping addiction? Some people are just really stingy. I know someone who reluctantly gave their DC a loan for £500 so they could move out of home..they embarrassed their DC publicly over it, despite an agreed payment plan. The parents were loaded, £1.5m house 2x professional salaries but they begrudge their dc any money, to the extent that the government will get most of it in tax when they pass! I think you sound too empathic towards them but that is likely to be conditioning.

They arent stingy all the time but it seems to have no rhyme nor reason behind it.

They'll be incredibly generous one minute but then bring up how much they spent on you the next.
For example they flew loads of family to Florence for my mums 60th birthday party and paid for everything and seemed enormously happy to do so.. then only a month later didnt send anything for my sons birthday and said on the actual day that I should buy him something from them because they'd flown me to Florence. It's hard to avoid getting reeled in because they get offended if you dont do what they want but then randomly hostile even if you do.
This is why I left and was low contact for so long.

I can only think the inconsistency comes from some sort of issue they privately have. They are at each others throats a lot of the time and it does seem to be about my mothers spending. When they've visited I've seen her spend thousands in a single day. And just on random stuff not large or necessary purchases. So that's why I think she may have a shopping addiction that they are trying to cover up. He restricts her internet use as well which I realised when he wrote down the password for his laptop when they were staying. He made me promise to tear it up when I'd finished because he didnt want her to know it. It's all very tense and strange. My husband agrees they are very strange towards me and to each other.
It's hard to talk to them honestly. Whenever I've tried they act like I'm crazy and theres nothing at all going on. Despite being at each others throats they sort of close ranks and pretend their behaviour is totally normal.
I've been diagnosed with anxiety problems and I sort of feel like they use that against me to be able to ignore any reaction I have. They down play anything I say and act like I'm the one being very odd. But if i tell anyone external the facts they all confirm that it is in fact them being very strange.
Because of this I find it incredibly hard to trust any feeling I have or to know what to do for the best. I often cant tell if I'm justified to feel how I feel or not.

I think my dads family did see that my mum would cause issues because it is very much her way or the highway.. if the highway was screaming and crying and pure rage. BUT my dads family were never very nice to her. They have legitimately said very hurtful things and I can understand where her dislike of them comes from... shes always felt undermined by them.. and that seems to feed into me. I can tell I'm making her feel more undermined which makes her reaction even worse but it's not that I dont understand where shes coming from .. it's that it's too much and she needs to let it go and think of the bigger picture....

Sorry op but that’s manipulative and emotional abuse

Yes, sadly your mum is disordered, maybe your Dad is as well or he is now just reacting to her behaviour

Over Reacting to perceived sights, punishing and focussing on her needs only are classic indicators.

Your anxiety is undoubtedly caused by the dynamics and it is so normal to you that you don't know it consciously but your body is telling you.

Just be aware that your DC will pick up on this behaviour. Your dad preventing access to a PC is normalised for you especially with no explanation but it really isn't.

Do you have counselling or look into the impact of toxic parent