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Original poster

Uncontrollable 10 year old daughter

32 replies

Shelley1020 · 07/06/2019 09:35

My 10 year old gets angry at the smallest of things, if she can’t find something all hell breaks lose and she picks up chairs and anything she can find and throws them across the room, slams doors, shouts at me and says very hurtful things, I’ve tried taking things away from her like her phone etc but it doesn’t work, she will just grab them back of me, she’s very tall for her age 5ft 2, I end up crying at work as it’s all getting to much for me, any ideas of any help would be gratefully recurved

OP posts:
MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 07/06/2019 21:18

Oh, OP. You sound at the end of your tether. You're definitely not alone though. We're going to bump this for you, but if you'd like, hit report on your post and we can always move the thread to somewhere that's a bit busier - possibly Chat? You might get more people passing with a few ideas.

In the meantime, of the top of my head... Have you checked there's nothing else going on here? No big events at home? She's not being bullied at school and taking it out on you? Might be worth asking her teacher if s/he's noticed anything.

If not, by 10 this obviously isn't ok behaviour and not fair on you. Perhaps try sitting her down when she's calm and asking what she thinks you can both do to help - put the ball in her court a bit but in a way that makes her feel supported. I think at this age it's ok to explain how it makes you feel and that it needs addressing. If she's stressed maybe you could look into something like some yoga or mindfulness for her. Maybe she's lashing out because she doesn't feel listened to and you could offer a bit of one-to-one time with her?

Just a couple of ideas anyway. Do remember that firstly, all things pass eventually, but also that kids only act up when they feel safe enough in your love to know they can. So you must have done something right!

Good luck! Hopefully someone else will be along with more ideas soon but do yell if you'd like us to move the thread.

Original poster
Shelley1020 · 07/06/2019 21:46

Thank you, I’ve tried sitting down and talking to her but she shouts at me saying she doesn’t want to know, it’s only me and her at home so she always has my attention, I ask her why she is doing it and she says that she can’t control it

OP posts:
MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 08/06/2019 18:17

That sounds really hard for you, OP. Flowers And maybe Wine too.

Would you like us to shift this over to Chat for you and see if you can get some other ideas there? Just hit the report button on this post and someone will move it over for you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TamTam25 · 08/06/2019 18:47

Hi Shelly,
I have a lot 10 year old daughter too, she can be a handful at times to although not to the extent you described.

I would firstly make an appointment with a GP to speak about help with anger management. There is lots of techniques that can be learned from a counsellor for regaining calmness.

A couple of things you could possibly do which we have used, and our currently using to help with mood swings are;
No electronics after 6pm, especially YouTube. We encourage reading, writing, sketching or journaling. All things where she can express her self and calm down at the same time.
Also there is a few different apps or you can buy meditation cds to listen to, all helping the nighttime slew to be quality sleep.
Using these trick we find that we're able to manage the outbreaks in a much more efficient way during the day.
It's hard at first changing what they're used to having but boundaries are good.
We also have a charging station downstairs and phones, tablets etc all go in there so no possibility of being up late in private on the phones or talking to friends.
Hope this helps. X

Original poster
Shelley1020 · 08/06/2019 19:10

I’ve seen the doctor and they said about social services, which has put me off a bit, she won’t allow me to take her electronics of her and tell her to do something else as she just snatched it back off me, she also gets bored very quickly,

OP posts:
bookmum08 · 08/06/2019 19:11

10 is tough. All those hormones. When my daughter was in Year 5 it seems all the girls in the class were a bundle of tears, falling out with each other and stroppy moods. The school bought in things like Yoga and circle groups etc. It definitely helped. Now Year 6 they have all calmed down a bit - but the year below (current Year 5) have basically gone through the same thing. It's definitely a Being 10 thing. Remember you are not alone. 10 can also be a nice age where you can finally start sharing more grown up activities. What does she enjoy doing? Show an interest in it and let her take the lead a bit in deciding what you could do with that interest (within reason obviously). She is starting to develop her character and personality more but isn't still old enough to be totally independent to follow it so you need to be there but not being the one who is organising it. If that makes sense?

Original poster
Shelley1020 · 08/06/2019 19:47

All she is ever on is her phone or her iPad, occasionally she will want to play a game with me, which I do, but she gets bored very quickly, I just feel so worn out from it all

OP posts:
parrotonmyshoulder · 08/06/2019 20:04

If you can find time to do so, I suggest reading Ross Green’s book ‘The Explosive Child’. It is really excellent and might give you a different path to try.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/06/2019 20:20

You sound like you do t feel like you have control and she's picking up on that.

You can't get her iPad or phone? You can. When she's a sleep hide them. Cancel contract. Set password up on WiFi. All things that mean she can't use them and she is forced to listen and comply to earn them back for short periods and enough for her to know there absolutely will be consequences.

Sounds like screen addiction and there's loads of useful resources online to help battle it.

And take help from SS if offered. Page ring courses can be hugely helpful. Even if you don't learn anything you don't already know in theory you do learn you are not alone and gain confidence to apply consequences.

Soontobe60 · 08/06/2019 20:27

One thing I learned with my DDs is never to ask why she is behaving that way. I also think that you need some support in rebuilding your relationship with her before she gets any older. You need to take back control, because at the moment she's in control. What you also need to understand is that both of you need to change, not just her. I suggest you speak to the Senco at her school to ask for some behaviour strategies or support.

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 08/06/2019 21:14

@Shelley1020, thanks for reporting your thread. As requested, we've nipped in and shifted it over to the Chat topic. Hopefully, you'll get some really useful advice from other MNers here but do let us know if we can help further, won't you?

Best of luck Flowers

bookmum08 · 08/06/2019 21:16

What is she actually doing on the ipad? Games? Reading stories? You Tube? It can be addictive but also some of what it can be used for isn't always that terrible. My daughter has certain sites she goes to - one is a sort of Manga/computer game fan fiction thing and it's bought out some very creative things in her.
You say she gets bored quickly. Could it be that she is just outgrowing some of the games etc that you play? Do you have a certain interest or something new you could start doing at home? If she sees you doing something different she might be interested and want to try it out. This is the age for trying something new. Recently I have been doing a lot of those adult colouring books. My daughter will sometimes join in. It's quite calming. But if you say to a 10 year old "do some colouring" they wouldn't even think that's something they could do!

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/06/2019 21:21

Hi Shelley

Sorry your having such a bad time

I want to say, that while she's at school, search her internet access to make sure that nothing untoward is going on. The bottom line is, make sure no one is in contact with her?
While she's away Ide also take them away and get them out of the house.

I know you say it's just you and her, but somehow there has to be some boundaries made, how is she at school ? Is there another female/ dad who could have a word with her

Original poster
Shelley1020 · 08/06/2019 21:22

She mainly watches you tube on it,she likes making things that she sees other people making

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelley1020 · 08/06/2019 21:30

She see her dad every other weekend, he has a word with her but she agrees with what he says and then plays up with me again, she has a big sister who is 24, she has tried too, sometimes my eldest says she won’t facetime her anymore because she is rude to her, my eldest doesn’t live st home with us

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WhoWants2Know · 08/06/2019 22:27

It's hard when your young child is nearly as big as you.

I do ban electronics if needed, and if they try to refuse to give them up, I turn off the WiFi router. I have also been known to confiscate them while the child is at school and remove them from the house, although that does tend to cause a tantrum at first.

Kiwiinkits · 09/06/2019 09:39

Screen addiction I think. Try going for a walk together in the evening after dinner? No screens after 6pm is a good rule.

ohyesohyessyyesyes · 09/06/2019 09:52

Hello. I just wanted to send you a hug as we have just got through the same thing with a ten year old boy.
It was horrible.
What helped us was to make rules with him in advance. So if he was trashing his room, being extremely rude or refusing to go to school (these were some of the issues we faced), instead of reaching in and trying to grab his phone or yelling, I would be able to calmly say, ‘remember that if you choose to behave this way, there will be xx consequence’ and then walk away, leaving him to calm down without losing face.

We also took away all electronics for a while (a week or 2) and explained exactly why and what he’d need to do to get them back, tightened up all parental controls on Tik Tok etc and made a huge effort to get out of the house and increase the amount of 1-1 time he has with a parent (we are also not together so this took a fair bit of extra organization and engagement from his dad).

I am not sure which of these worked or how long it would be like this but things are much better now.

The other thing is we chatted to him more about the changes in his body and I took him out to get some ‘men’s stuff’ ie razor, deo, moisturizer, gas wash etc. he really seemed to appreciate this and it was good bonding learning together how he should shave his face. Obv you won’t do exactly the same for your daughter but acknowledging she is growing up might help you both.
Good luck. I feel your pain.

ohyesohyessyyesyes · 09/06/2019 09:53

Face wash, not gas wash!! What an unfortunate typo, sorry.

Original poster
Shelley1020 · 09/06/2019 10:00

I do say to her calmly that if you keep behaving this way I will take your iPad away or we won’t be going out because of your behaviour and her reply is always I don’t care, you can’t tell me what to do, if I take things away she grabs them back off me, or she will start banging things and throwing things about, what am I doing wrong

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 09/06/2019 10:10

If you can stop blaming yourself that would be a good start - the fact that you are reaching out to GP shoes you care and you know it has to be dealt with. Try setting up times on the wifi router so that your DD cant access internet at certain points of the day and consequences for rudeness etc. And also ask the GP for a referral to CAMHS rather than social services, and talk to the school.
Other than gadgets are there other things she really enjoys/values?

Pavlova31 · 09/06/2019 10:10

Nothing to add to the other comments but so sorry to hear you are going through this Shelley Brew Flowers

JeezYouLoon · 09/06/2019 10:17

Don't beat yourself up OP, you're doing you're best.

Have you tried days out with her? Shopping, cinema or bowling?
My DS was a nightmare and I tried this tactic, I got grief as I was 'rewarding his behaviour' however I just wanted to reconnect with him. It did work, he's not perfect but he's so much better.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 09/06/2019 10:21

Is she sleeping? She might be watching videos late into the night and running on empty? How is she at school?

If she won’t hand over her devices then I’d cancel the phone contract and change the WiFi password. Let her snatch them back all she likes, they’ll be useless to her.

user1498854363 · 09/06/2019 10:30

Op. I have to agree that you need to take back charge in the house. Do not let your 10yo dictate.
If she is using her size against you, who else is she using it against? What’s going on at school? What about friends?
Restrict WiFi right away. Change password, cancel contracts. She needs to have boundaries and you need to set them. What she trashes is trashed.
You need to find time to agree a plan together for how you do things like consequences and rewards. Can you involve dad? Show a united front?

Feel for you as it’s tough, but then teenage years come along and you want to have a relationship that is open then too!

💐