Uncontrollable 10 year old daughter

[Shelley1020]

My 10 year old gets angry at the smallest of things, if she can’t find something all hell breaks lose and she picks up chairs and anything she can find and throws them across the room, slams doors, shouts at me and says very hurtful things, I’ve tried taking things away from her like her phone etc but it doesn’t work, she will just grab them back of me, she’s very tall for her age 5ft 2, I end up crying at work as it’s all getting to much for me, any ideas of any help would be gratefully recurved

A couple of questions:

Has she always been like this?
Was it a gradual change?
Was it a sudden change?

Friends? Family situation? Are you on good terms with the dad?
School situation?

Is she the same at school?

All of these are important in deciding what may be wrong/ giving any advice on what to do next.

Her dad got her the phone so they can keep in contact so it’s under his name for the contract, she’s doing well at school, apart from friendship problems now and again but the school councillor are dealing with that, your right I do need to take back control but I’m worried with doing that she will have outbursts and I’m worried that she will damage the property that we are in and it’s rented property, when she’s good she is absolutely amazing

She may well have outbursts - at the moment she knows that if she kicks off, you’ll back down. There’s no way a child of mine would be grabbing from me something I took from them as a discipline measure.

If she doesn’t want to talk it may be because she feels out if control and ashamed. When do you two usually talk? Over dinner, in the car or while playing a board game, jigsaw etc can be a good time because the focus isn’t all on her.

I’d start by acknowledging how unhappy I am at home and saying I think she might be too. Ask if there are things she thinks need to be different and why. I’d explain that going forward, she needs to earn screen time, if she tantrums and is violent her phone will be taken away and dad told why, if she damages the house, her money goes to repair the damage. If she can’t manage a phone contract responsibly, I’d be telling dad to keep the phone and he can contact her on a land line.

I’d also look at the daily routines at home, make things as planned and predictable as possible, give her as much choice within a range of options eg for meals, activities etc. Think of what the two of you do for fun and do more if it, relax with her and look for positives to praise her for, but keep a tight hold of boundaries.

10 is far too young to have so much control over her parents, it’s not good for her, finding a way to parent her and set boundaries now will help into teen years.

Her dad needs to be backing you up, and agreeing to cancel the contract on your say-so.

If you need to take away a device, you need to try to do it without physically removing it from her, or you'll end up with a wrestling match. So instead, you confiscate the router and the charger, so her phone becomes worthless.

I get the worry about her damaging a rental property. Ultimately, she might. And she'll lose outings and privileges until any damage is repaid. So dad has to cancel the contract until she's paid up.

I know it's worrying, but honestly it's a very normal problem these days, especially in single parent families where the non-resident parent isn't as hands on as they need to be.

I've known more than one mother launch a phone out the window in frustration. Regardless of who paid for it, if it causes a problem in your home then it can be evicted.

She sounds like she addicted to her phone and iPad . Next time she’s at school take them and hide them , boot of your car if necessary ( in the spare tyre) .
If she grabs them off you you need to grab them back . She doesn’t get to dictate the rules .

Would she be interested in making her own youtube style videos of the things she makes - but not putting them online obviously! My daughter loves this and also does pretend vlogs and makes random power point presentations. She has done little computer animations too.
I sometimes think the blanket "take away the gadgets" rule isn't always the answer but accepting an interest in technology and adapting it and finding things to do with that technology rather than just watching you tube videos can be good for confidence.

OP you haven't answered all of my questions. Sudden possessiveness over electronic communication devices could point to very serious issues, e.g. grooming. Especially when linked to violent outbursts.