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Original poster

Struggling with friends change of mind over baby

87 replies

Millie2018 · 06/06/2019 07:57

My friend and her DH didn’t want children. They were adamant. Not only this but were very vocal about everyone who had children, including myself. Comments to their face about why would anyone want children, they suck you dry, they are horrible etc etc. This was for over 10 yrs. Anyway, a couple of years ago they decide they have changed their minds. 6 months later they are expecting.
Subsequently they have done everything they criticised everyone else for. Spent the whole pregnancy complaining about how horrible being pregnant is, how boring their nct class is, why do they need so much baby stuff - the list is endless.
Since the birth they have been ok parents. Doing the bare minimum to be honest. Lots of ‘letting the baby cry it out’, lots of baby led weaning because making purées is a faff. Lots of can’t wait to go back to work comments. Fair enough. However I have a just received an invitation to the child’s christening (with gift list). I just can’t stomach going for the day and watching them act as if this child is the most precious gift, when really their words and actions say something else.
Should I decline the invite? Should I go and plaster on a smile, it’s one day after all. I just feel as hypocritical as them going.

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 06/06/2019 10:08

It feels meaner to end the relationship than to post about them on the Internet in the terms you have here?

Original poster
Millie2018 · 06/06/2019 10:11

I guess I was looking for validation to walk away. Didn’t realise so many people liked BLW! It was more the can’t be bothered attitude that came with the choice rather then the decision itself.

OP posts:
NewAccount270219 · 06/06/2019 10:11

But her friends did exactly the same thing to her first.

Did no one ever teach you that two wrongs don't make a right?

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Families
Original poster
Millie2018 · 06/06/2019 10:12

Oh and letting the baby cry wasn’t to get the baby to sleep.

OP posts:
NewFoneWhoDis · 06/06/2019 10:13

YANBU.
I was part of an group where one woman was VERY vocal about how she and her husband hated kids, they never met a kid they liked (and had met some of ours!) they were little shits, and basically denigrated every parenting thing others did. She was especially insistent that mothers should fuck off to the toilets if they want to breasfeed their children. Women with PND were just attention seekers, and stuff like that. She was vile. I un-friended her but spotted her a few years later with a new username in an online group by then she'd had two kids, did the whole extended breastfeeding, organic baby-led weaning, babywearing stuff.
She's still a judgey cunt, just a lentil weaving one now.

Jemima232 · 06/06/2019 10:14

They sent a present list for the baby's christening?

Original poster
Millie2018 · 06/06/2019 10:19

Yes the first gift list I’ve received for a christening and I’ve been to a few. Or there was the choice of cash which would be ‘gratefully received’.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 06/06/2019 10:22

You don't like these people. Before they had a baby, they were rude and dismissive of your (and others') choices, which is not nice. After they had a baby they have made choices that you personally don't agree with. In combination, this is clearly not a friendship that you should be continuing. It's as simple s that. You don't like them.

Firstimpressionsofearth · 06/06/2019 10:22

I'm not sure how others are making purees but I'm confused as to how making a simple puree then freezing once a week is a "faff".

Clearly people who never cook.

Blw is a fad and lazy parents latch onto it. Same with ready made baby food.

Dispute the issue with the kid thing, do you actually enjoy your friends company, have fun with them. Are they part of a wider group of friends. Will you miss them as friends.

If no then I guess stop seeing them.

Serin · 06/06/2019 10:24

To me friendship is spending time with people who you really like and get along with, you make each other feel better, have a laugh, support each other, know that you can seek advice and not be judged for it, look forward to seeing each other again and miss them when they aren't around.
What you have is not really a friendship is it? I would call it a day to be honest.

Itssosunny · 06/06/2019 10:24

Maybe they couldn't conceive and tried to keep cool by talking negative things about children. Just a thought.

LittlePaintBox · 06/06/2019 10:27

Don't spend a day going to an event which is going to set your teeth on edge, and at which you're probably going to be radiating negativity.

Just be honest with yourself, you don't like them and you don't want to be friends with them any more. You don't need to tell them that, but they'll probably get the message if you slip to the edges of their friendship group.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2019 10:27

She's still a judgey cunt, just a lentil weaving one now. Grin

I do see what you’re saying OP and I’d decline and walk away from the relationship. They don’t sound like nice people.

I also thought as others did that they may have had difficulties conceiving which made them behave that way in the past but I have a friend who genuinely doesn’t like children, has never tried to have any and thinks all things pregnancy and baby related are gross and isn’t backward in loudly saying so. Her DH is amazing with children and would have loved a brood so it’s especially awkward seeing him cooing over a baby while she sits their sour faced saying how disgusting babies are. If she ever ended up having one my head would explode.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 06/06/2019 10:39

Oh and letting the baby cry wasn’t to get the baby to sleep.

Sometimes baby's cry. You can't jump to them every time (unless you actually can and want to) I've had to let my baby cry, I've got washing to do and other kids to feed. He's not hysterical.

It doesn't sound like you like these people at all so YANBU, just leave them. Drop our of the friendship, I can't believe they are getting much out of it.

CookieDeal · 06/06/2019 10:58

I think you should just give yourself permission not to have any more joy sucked out of your life by these people. You said yourself they add nothing to your life. You don't owe them anything.

Cut them loose - give yourself permission to do it. You don't have to be mean about it, just decline the Christening and let them get on with it.

Wheresthebeach · 06/06/2019 10:58

The phrase 'frenemy' comes to mind...

peachgreen · 06/06/2019 10:59

Making purees IS an unnecessary faff imo and I hated being at home full time and was excited to get back to work. I also make a lot of jokes about how tough parenting is because a) it is and b) when I was struggling to conceive I hated listening to people banging on smugly about how having children is the only true happiness etc etc. That doesn't mean my DD isn't the most precious thing in my world. Of course she is. I adore the very bones of her and do my absolute best to be a good mum.

You don't like them. If they knew what you though of them they wouldn't like you either. So do all of you a favour and stop being their friend.

Echobelly · 06/06/2019 10:59

I don't think any of their words or actions (or lack of them) suggest they don't care about their child. I guess after years of putting parenthood down they're trying to be a bit aloof about it. I think they're acting like twats but I'm sure they do care about their child and are doing a good enough job, which is all anyone really needs to do

ddl1 · 06/06/2019 11:03

I would not mind their changing their minds; and I would not be that bothered about the details of their parenting, so long as they aren't totally neglecting their baby. However, their constant moaning and criticism of everyone and everything - at first, of people who choose to have children, and then of all the inconveniences attached to pregnancy and 'baby stuff' with regard to their own child- make them sound like unpleasant people. Is there anything positive about them, which makes you wish to continue the friendship? In any case, I don't think you're obliged to go to the christening.

MotherOfDragonite · 06/06/2019 11:09

It doesn't sound like you like them. Just drop out of contact. Being "friends" with people you don't actually like is a real waste of time and energy for everyone involved.

NorthEndGal · 06/06/2019 11:09

Very clearly, you don't like them, and judge them.
Rightly or wrongly, they do things differently to you, and it irritates you and isn't likely to change.
Move on, it's not nice to fake a friendship, you are doing no favours

Rosey12 · 06/06/2019 11:14

If you don't want to go don't go, make an excuse. It's your life, don't feel you have to do stuff with people you don't really see eye to eye with.

CJsGoldfish · 06/06/2019 11:15

I wish I had the courage to ditch them, but there is something in my conscious that won’t allow me too
If you ditched them how would you be able to find new things to bitch behind their back about?

Time to do the right thing OP and end the friendship before they realise what kind of a 'friend' you really are

HennyPennyHorror · 06/06/2019 11:26

They sound awful but there's nothing wrong with baby led weaning. I did that with mine when it was just called "Give them a bit of what you're having" and it's a perfectly fine way of feeding a baby.

Sewrainbow · 06/06/2019 12:29

Don't go, you think they're being hypocrites, you would be a hypocrite too if you went pretending to be celebrating something you don't believe.

For what it's worth I don't agree with present lists for christenings, surely it's a solemn religious occasion not a party/gift fest? If guests choose to mark the occasion with a gift the parents should be grateful for what they receive.

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