Family want to stay with us

[ReluctantHostess]

NC for this one.

We retired a few years ago to a beautiful part of the country with lots of interesting places to visit nearby. My stepson and DiL visited for a weekend three years ago and now they want to come and stay with us again this summer. My family regularly stay so I feel it's only fair to give DH's family a turn, especially as SS and DiL live a couple of hundred miles away.

I am genuinely fond of SS and DiL. They both have a GSOH, big hearts and would do anything for us. However, and I'm going to be searingly honest here, they live like pigs. They are slept-in-a-hedge scruffy, don't wash (to the point where anything they sit on - beds, sofas, car seats - noticeably smell for days afterwards). Their table manners defy description.

SS and DiL now want to come and stay with us for a whole week. I don't think I could bear to have them in my (clean) house for a whole week because I'd be screaming inside, but I am prepared to offer a long weekend and I would do my absolute best to make them feel completely welcome. Once they left, I'd have to scrub and bleach the whole house for the good of my mental health but they don't need to know that. I'd never want to hurt their feelings.

However, DH is truly horrified at the thought and doesn't want them here at all. He has been fending them off since The Last Weekend (he still shudders at the memory) and is running out of excuses, so he wants me to put them off this time. I don't see how I can without upsetting them.

WWYD? Please don't suggest I set boundaries with them. They would be terribly hurt if I did that so I'm prepared to grin and bear it. Please don't tell me they are DH's problem either. I know that. He knows that. But if I put it back on his toes, he'll either say something hurtful to them, which I don't want, or he'll do the exact opposite and end up inviting them for the whole summer out of guilt and then we'll both be screaming inside.

You’ve not had them to visit for three years?!! His actual son?

forget being tactful. tell them they can only stay if they shower every day.

Oh my. This is quite a conundrum. You're lovely for being so concerned with their feelings, but I think I agree with your husband on this one. I simply couldn't allow people that filthy to stay in my home. Unfortunately, it's a deal breaker for me.

If you're going to offend them one way or the other tell them why you don't want them to come, at least then the situation might improve.

Ew. How old are they?

Your DH is a dick passing this over to you to handle.

Do you actually want them to stay, or would you prefer not to?

If you like them and their grossness is the only issue i'd suggest meeting somewhere halfway and having a city break/a few days in a hotel.

Alternatively, buy some cheap crappy Wilko bedding and towels, and bin the lot when they leave.

It's got to be asked OP - have you and your DH ever been to visit them at their home? What's it like?

Before we relocated, we did visit them but only occasionally and never for more than an hour or two; their home is a tip, verging on a health hazard. Cleanliness is just not that important to them and they think we are too particular.

Meeting halfway at a hotel won't, I'm afraid, do. Money burns a hole in their pockets so they are always skint. We have bailed them out before (when we were both working) but they never learned from it so we gave up. In any case, we are retired so our incomes are much reduced.

I do try hard to stay in contact with them regularly by phone, email and text. I'm a little concerned this time because DiL wants to see me to "discuss something face-to-face" and I suspect (but could, of course, be wrong) that they want us to bail them out again. I'm ready to deal with that one, by the way.

Despite everything, I am fond of them and like talking to them. I just can't bear the thought of a whole week.

I’d opt for the long weekend - with leaving fluffy towels in the bed, give them a little gift each of travel size shower gel, shampoo, and deodorant. After they arrive, show them to the guest room, give them each their little gift box/bag and say “you must want to take a shower after your long journey, the shower is this way. If you’d like me to wash your clothes, please give me a shout and I’ll pop back for them. “

Just to be safe, I’d have washable throws on the sofa/arm chair.

One long weekend every three years to keep the peace might be doable. More than that.....

Forgot to add, they are in their late 40s. They won't change now because that's how they live. DH says that is not the way he and ExW brought up their son (I've met her - she's a perfectly nice woman and I know this to be true) but his son got into lazy habits when he and DiL got together. I think DH is embarrassed.

I did all of that last time, AdoreTheBeach. I even offered to run a relaxing bubble bath (candles, music, magazines, glass of wine) for DiL on the pretext that she needed some relaxation time to herself as a busy working mum. She said she'd sit in the garden and smoke instead (another huge irritation for DH).

Mmm, this one is tricky. But i think if you like seeing them, you might have to suck it up. Having said that, it's YOUR home so you also don't have to walk around on eggshells. Feel free to ask them not to wear dirty clothes/shoes inside or to put away their dirty plates/cups/glasses etc. try to go with some basic ground rules as you go along.

Fuck it, tell DH to deal with it himself. It's his son, tell him it's up to him to deal with the communications.

But make him aware that you will allow a long weekend only - any longer and you'll be staying elsewhere for the duration.

DIY/decorating work on the go but you have a tent for the garden??

😂Tempting, Walkamile, tempting, but I'd never get away with that one!

Can you makeup an excuse for them not staying in the house, building work or leaky pipes, and then put then up nearby in a budget hotel?

If you both don’t speak with them about this issue in advance of the visit and they do stay a week, I think the situation will explode and cause real damage to the relationship between you all.

Tell them they have to respect your home and standards if they want to stay. I can’t see any reasonable adult not accepting this.

Really difficult
Options:

1. Husband tells them and risk relationship
2. Don't tell them and suck it up (as pp said - buy cheap sheets and towels and throws that you can throw away or wash after) but restrict to weekend
3. Invite them but have a leak/flea infestation/mold issue right before and have to rent them and Airbnb

I completely feel your pain here regarding not offending them, but, do they actually have any idea how repulsive they are? Do they have friends? Do their kids?

It’s one of those things where if your parents won’t tell you the truth, no one will. It sounds like they think no one can see/smell they are dirty - a bit like smokers often don’t realise than non-smokers can always smell the smoke on them, even if they can no longer smell it themselves.

I think at this juncture I’d have to be brave and say “we love you, we’d love to have you, but you really do need to respect our house rules this time”. It may risk your relationship but it sounds like that’s already at risk if your DH doesn’t want them to set foot in your home. It doesn’t sound like a rift can be avoided unless there are some major changes.

They seem to have lots of friends but DiL has said to me in the past that their friends "never invite them round". She believes it's because she and SS were formerly in the catering trade (sorry! Bet you didn't really want to know that!) and their friends are too nervous to cook for them.

It sounds pretty unbelievable written down but they have absolutely bags of "body confidence".

I’m wondering what their definition of ‘friends’ is. People who lack self awareness are also often a poor judge of how others regard them. It could be people are polite at the school gate, work etc. but never progress above pleasantries for the reasons you describe. The fact that they don’t really question why they are never invited anywhere (and are providing a self-aggrandising but frankly unlikely explanation) bespeaks of a deep lack of self awareness/denial.

Someone really needs to gently tell them.

If they live in a little echo chamber of two they are probably constantly reassuring each other they’re right and everyone else is a bourgeois fool. Glad they are happy at least! 😉

😁BazaarMum. They are indeed perfectly suited.

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. It's not an easy decision, as PPs have kindly pointed out. However, I have told DH he must ring his son and offer two nights stay, and two nights only, for whatever reason he cares to offer. We'll organise days out for when they are here (almost certainly we'll have to pay because they'll be borassic) but at least it will reduce the amount of time they actually spend in the house. There will be throws on the sofas and fluffy towels/toiletries on the guest bed although I have little hope they'll use them. They didn't last time. Not sure about meals out though. Last time, SS licked the drops from the spout on the gravy boat before passing it to DH, who hastily declined. We were mortified as it was our 'local'.

DH has retired to the den to have a sulk to decide how to firmly structure SS's expectations but I've pointed out that, as a PP said, it is doable and it will mean we can reasonably defer again for another couple of years.

If you haven't already, buy shares in Domestos now.

Did you say she is a mother?! Do they have children?

Bloody hell OP, your DH is the cowardly lion isn't he. If everyone in their life is thinking the same as you you'd be doing them a favour.

Can he really not just chat to his son and say "Look mate, I love you and would love to spend time with you, but you and the wife honk big time, and we would very much appreciate it if you'd have a decent shower and wash your clothes before you visit, because you make the furniture hum when you've been around. Ok? man hug"

They have two sons. The eldest one is a chip off the old block but he won't be coming with them. The youngest will, but he's just discovered girls....and wants to smell nice so I'm going to encourage him on ways to do that 😉