Family want to stay with us

[ReluctantHostess]

NC for this one.

We retired a few years ago to a beautiful part of the country with lots of interesting places to visit nearby. My stepson and DiL visited for a weekend three years ago and now they want to come and stay with us again this summer. My family regularly stay so I feel it's only fair to give DH's family a turn, especially as SS and DiL live a couple of hundred miles away.

I am genuinely fond of SS and DiL. They both have a GSOH, big hearts and would do anything for us. However, and I'm going to be searingly honest here, they live like pigs. They are slept-in-a-hedge scruffy, don't wash (to the point where anything they sit on - beds, sofas, car seats - noticeably smell for days afterwards). Their table manners defy description.

SS and DiL now want to come and stay with us for a whole week. I don't think I could bear to have them in my (clean) house for a whole week because I'd be screaming inside, but I am prepared to offer a long weekend and I would do my absolute best to make them feel completely welcome. Once they left, I'd have to scrub and bleach the whole house for the good of my mental health but they don't need to know that. I'd never want to hurt their feelings.

However, DH is truly horrified at the thought and doesn't want them here at all. He has been fending them off since The Last Weekend (he still shudders at the memory) and is running out of excuses, so he wants me to put them off this time. I don't see how I can without upsetting them.

WWYD? Please don't suggest I set boundaries with them. They would be terribly hurt if I did that so I'm prepared to grin and bear it. Please don't tell me they are DH's problem either. I know that. He knows that. But if I put it back on his toes, he'll either say something hurtful to them, which I don't want, or he'll do the exact opposite and end up inviting them for the whole summer out of guilt and then we'll both be screaming inside.

It's really up to your husband to say something. I'd be tempted to pay for two nights in a Travel Lodge for them but then they'd come to the house in the day. I couldn't stand them to sit on my sofa!

How the hell have they survived without anyone telling them?

so you think they are going to tap you for money. have a good answer lined up like: can't lend you any as we need a new boiler/ conservatory/cruise on the Spirit of the seas. but it sounds like you know how to deal with that.

Absolutely, Banana!

Man hug, Money??? 😳 Not without protective clothing!

Oh gosh.. are either of them ill at all OP? Could that be a reason for their way of living?

I don’t mean to be rude but you do come across as a “Hyacinth Bucket” & really rather harsh..let’s just hope these two have no say on where your care home will be?!

So if they haven't visited you in three years and you haven't visited them has dh not seen son/ grandchildren in three years just because they smell? They might have changed (clothes at least). I think you just need to be really blunt with them. Run a bath and ask them who is going first. If they try to delay then treat them like a child and scurry one of them in there. If they are late 40s then neither of you I imagine is young so if comments are made then the other one just puts it down to 'yes she has become more particular with age.' If you want to go the whole hog and you know their clothing style then pick up a few bits that ' you saw and knew would be perfect '.

I don’t mean to be rude but you do come across as a “Hyacinth Bucket” & really rather harsh

Can you give examples here? I feel I'm reading a completely different thread to you.

If they are late 40s then neither of you I imagine is young so if comments are made then the other one just puts it down to 'yes she has become more particular with age.'

I wish I could use the convenient excuse of my advancing years and my early senility 😁 but I'm afraid it won't wash. I'm only ten years older than SS and DiL. In fact, they were already married with a child when I first met them so I've never been a stepmother to them, more like a (hopefully loved and trusted) family friend.

One of the reasons why I get on so well with SS and DiL is because from the first moment of meeting them, I have treated them with warmth and respect, made it plain that I value their huge hearts and sunny natures, never criticise their lifestyle and keep my opinions and advice to myself (unless asked). I wish they lived differently but they don't, and that's their choice. I'm just finding it hard to reconcile their choice, my DH's strong views on the matter, and my wish to keep in touch with all of my extended family.

Hope that clears up any presumptions - especially the ageist ones! The "care home" one did tickle me though. SS (if anyone said that to him, albeit in a very different context) would roar with laughter (did I mention his GSOH?) and cheerfully point out that with their various health conditions, I'm likely to outlive both of them 😀.

I wish I could use the convenient excuse of my advancing years and my early senility 😁 but I'm afraid it won't wash.

Even better, get dh to play that role!

Even better, get dh to play that role!

😂You've never met my DH!

I'd just apologise for being "particular" and ask them to humor me and have a shower. Same for any clothes that need washing. Day you know that you have issues but that to make up for being fussy you'll buy them a meal. You can say this nicely and with a smile. Laugh at yourself for getting worse with age. Turn the blame on to yourself.

I'd also buy a couple of cheap double duvets for about a tenner each from wilkos as a pp said. Put one under the bottom sheet to protect the mattress and then you can put them on a high temperature wash afterwards or throw them out. Same with cheap bedding and throws. Ikea do really cheap throws.At that price it won't matter if they are ruined.

I think at this stage I'd stop making polite hints OP and TELL them that you'd love to host them for one or two mights but you would want them to respect your way of living whilst they are with you.

That means attending to their hygiene (coming with clean clothes, bathing/showering with soap before they arrive and whilst in your home). Maybe put it down to a recent diagnosis of OCD for one of you if you wish or an recent illness which has heightened the sense of smell (your DH!!).

I get they can live their lives how they want to but don't guests also want to please their hosts and make allowances for the hosts' foibles?

Good luck with this one - I don't envy you or your husband dealing with this! 💐

I'm definitely in the camp of passing this one back to DH. Anything you say will offend them because there's no nice way to tell a person 'you are stinky' - it is the kind of conversation only a parent can have.

Thank you, HappyNow, and also HollowTalk, for your thoughtful responses throughout.

QweenBee - thank you too. Why didn't I think of mattress protectors before?

And I think I've solved the problem of them coming into contact with my car seats; last time, the car ponged for weeks afterwards, even though I got busy at the first opportunity with cleaning products. I'll simply tell them I'm nervous about driving to unfamiliar places for days out (this has the virtue of being true) so could SS drive us there instead in their car and I'll pay for the petrol. This will nettle DH but as we are already resigned to bearing the full cost of their stay, I'll present it as a necessary expense.

DH will ring his son this Sunday still dragging his heels but in the end, he will have little choice and then SS and DiL will have plenty of time to find kennels for their dogs. Not sure what they'll do about the rats but that's for them to work out.

@ReluctantHostess

Just to cheer you up a bit please see the attached video - fast forward and watch from 4.54 min to 5.06 min

Dont think theres much more you can do tbh other than what's been suggested. Will you give us updates on the weekend they visit. I actually cant imagine folks that live like this so am completely fascinated. So lets just recap a bit, do you mean that instead of passing the gravy your SS licked it first and THEN passed it??????? Who does that!

🤣🤣Thank you for that, LadyBrienne! There are definitely interesting parallels here.

"What pong? There's no pong in here. And if there is, it's a Fake Pong".

the gravy boat also has me fainting clean away.
Their poor kids :-( I can only imagine what their home is like

That is exactly what happened, Teaandcrisps. DH's face was an absolute picture. What made it worse is that he'd been positively looking forward to the gravy - it was a roast dinner and he just loves gravy - and he so had to go without. He was furious. And embarrassed. That's just one of the reasons why he just can't bear a repeat visit.

DiL once gave us cups of tea (this is when we were at their house) and it was clear that she'd just pulled them out of the clutter in the kitchen because they had rings around the inside and tea stains down the outside. I've no idea who had used them before us but I just chatted away merrily for what seemed like hours till the tea was stone cold, then pretended to "discover it too late". She offered to make us a fresh cuppa but we said we really had to go.

In fairness, DiL's mother (a very kind and warmhearted woman, sadly no longer with us) was a hoarder. I gave DiL emotional support and practical help with probate and that really was an eye-opener, but that's a whole other story.

They won't be visiting till the summer term because their youngest is at primary school. You won't mind waiting that long 😁?

Oops wrong thread. 😜

You won't mind waiting that long 😁?
Will you? 😁

Oh noooo - gravyboat story really made me laugh - I'm so sorry imagining your OHs face...and a dry Sunday roast.

On a serious note, you sound so supportive of your DIL particularly- and theres obvs other things going in for them - be good for your grandchild to see an alternative way of living too so perhaps grin and bear it for that reason alone. Either way, look forward to gravyboat summer edition x

Your DH should have been blatantly honest with them years ago and yet you are all still pussyfooting around. 'No, we can't have you visit. Your hygiene is appalling and it stinks out your house and stuff. It's not acceptable.' 'We need money.' 'I'm sorry, we're no longer able to loan you any.'

You're describing some people I know really accurately 🤔 wonder if it's them 😬 I've never smelt anything like it but they're lovely.

This is going to be an ongoing issue. You will need to confront it eventually so you may as well bite the bullet and do it now. Hard though it may be, you can't avoid it forever.