Family want to stay with us

[ReluctantHostess]

NC for this one.

We retired a few years ago to a beautiful part of the country with lots of interesting places to visit nearby. My stepson and DiL visited for a weekend three years ago and now they want to come and stay with us again this summer. My family regularly stay so I feel it's only fair to give DH's family a turn, especially as SS and DiL live a couple of hundred miles away.

I am genuinely fond of SS and DiL. They both have a GSOH, big hearts and would do anything for us. However, and I'm going to be searingly honest here, they live like pigs. They are slept-in-a-hedge scruffy, don't wash (to the point where anything they sit on - beds, sofas, car seats - noticeably smell for days afterwards). Their table manners defy description.

SS and DiL now want to come and stay with us for a whole week. I don't think I could bear to have them in my (clean) house for a whole week because I'd be screaming inside, but I am prepared to offer a long weekend and I would do my absolute best to make them feel completely welcome. Once they left, I'd have to scrub and bleach the whole house for the good of my mental health but they don't need to know that. I'd never want to hurt their feelings.

However, DH is truly horrified at the thought and doesn't want them here at all. He has been fending them off since The Last Weekend (he still shudders at the memory) and is running out of excuses, so he wants me to put them off this time. I don't see how I can without upsetting them.

WWYD? Please don't suggest I set boundaries with them. They would be terribly hurt if I did that so I'm prepared to grin and bear it. Please don't tell me they are DH's problem either. I know that. He knows that. But if I put it back on his toes, he'll either say something hurtful to them, which I don't want, or he'll do the exact opposite and end up inviting them for the whole summer out of guilt and then we'll both be screaming inside.

You won't mind waiting that long 😁?
Will you? 😁

I really don't mind how long we wait, HappyNow 😁. However, they have to be quick booking the dates of their visit. My family have already snagged two separate weeks in the summer it feels like HolidayCentral here so the available windows are narrowing. DH wants me to ring round the rest of my family and see if they want to visit as well.

I think your DH needs to bite the bullet here and tell them they need to up their personal hygiene and habits. Why has this never been said before?

A good question but both DH and his ExW say that SS's hygiene and table manners were never a problem when he was living in the family home. The lazy habits came much later, after he'd left and married and set up his own home with his wife. I believe this to be true, not only because I know DH's standards as well as his ExW's but also because I've noticed a marked deterioration in SS and DiL over the last twelve to fifteen years. I believe ExW, who sees SS and DiL much more often than we ever did, used to speak directly to her son about it but it fell on stony ground and, as you might expect, it caused friction between her and DiL. ExW is a gentle soul and decided to hold her peace, I suppose. And DH didn't feel it was his place anymore as his son is now a middle-aged adult and responsible for his own decisions and his own lifestyle choices.

DiL genuinely doesn't seem to think it's a problem and would be hurt/offended/angry/defensive if it was broached with her. SS, I think, has a glimmering of understanding that their lifestyle is causing, or exacerbating, their health problems but, for whatever reason, he does not feel sufficiently motivated to do anything about it. They have a similar outlook to work and money - do just enough to scrape by, live for today, and let tomorrow take care of itself. They live like kings on payday and paupers for the rest of the month.

Would a "Listen honey, I know you think we're too particular, but in our home we get to choose to be particular and we need you to shower daily and wear clean clothes while you're staying here" work?

Can you tell them that you’ve developed Hyperosmia and can only cope with certain smells? Tell them they need to shower when they arrive, using such’n’such body wash & shampoo. Then of course their clothes have to be washed in such’n’such washing powder. Explain that you will be physically ill if you find smells offensive.

Please don't suggest I set boundaries with them. They would be terribly hurt if I did that
Oh....but it's ok for them to offend and disrespect you, your dh and your home?
No - they wouldn't be hurt. Inconsiderate and selfish arseholes like them have very thick skin.
What they will get is angry and possibly abusive.

You and your dh are doormats - you more so.
You're also enabling them by keeping quiet about their minging ways in your home.

Your dh shouldn't have passed the buck onto you because they are his kids and the absolute refusal should come from him.
You should have supported your dh's decision instead of undermining him and practically forcing him into a situation he doesn't want to be in in his own home.

DiL genuinely doesn't seem to think it's a problem and would be hurt/offended/angry/defensive if it was broached with her
So what?
Tell her that YOU feel hurt/offended/angry/disrespected by them.

If you're never going to stand up for yourselves or do anything about this then why bother posting?

I'm concerned about the "face to face" conversation your DIL wants to have before they come to stay. I'd get to the bottom of this first.

Worst case scenario it might be health related and a bad prognosis, in which case you'd feel terrible for broaching the personal hygiene issue at such a time.

Hopefully your instincts are right and it's money, in which case you can cut them off at the pass and they might not come at all.

Good morning, SavingSpaces2019! Hope you managed to get some decent sleep in the end. Insomnia is a terrible affliction and can make even the most reasonable person sound slightly unhinged. As a fellow insomniac who tries to avoid posting in the wee small hours for precisely that reason, you have my every sympathy.

Myimaginarycathasfleas, OMG, I hadn't even thought of that 😲. They do have assorted health problems and the fact that they are both morbidly obese has long caused me concern. However, as DiL and I have long chats on the phone each weekend and she's not shy about giving me chapter and verse about her various ailments, my first thought was "They're skint again". Actually, of the two, I'd rather it was about money. That's much easier to deal with!

Great username by the way

unhinged? yoiu might want to take a good look in the mirror

@savingspaces2019

I agree completely! I’m just really glad the OP is NOT in my family!

I think your DH sounds like a bit of a wet lettuce actually. This is his son! He needs to take him to one side and say "FGS son, you need to have a wash" if he had had this conversation with him at age 13 (like most parents) the current situation may never have arisen.
Just tell him instead of bitching about them. Your poor grand kids.