I need some advice from a “tough mum”

[hilbobaggins]

I’m so sick of being me in certain aspects of my parenting. I’m genuinely in need of a personality transplant, or failing that some advice from someone who’s a lot tougher / firmer than me.

One particular area of conflict is bedtime. My 6 year old DS will NOT go to sleep alone. He “needs” me to be in the bedroom with him. I cajole, cuddle, lie next to him, keep the lights on, run his back, wait for him to go to sleep, whatever it takes. If I’m not with him, or I get up to leave, he jumps out of bed and sticks to me like glue. “Mummy I need to be with you, can I come with you,
I’m lonely, I don’t want to be alone, I’m sad, im a people person, I’m scared, Etc etc.

I feel like a prisoner in his bedroom and I’m starting to really resent it. I’m also angry with myself for creating this situation. I need to find a way to love him but emotionally disconnect from him and the guilt I feel that he feels lonely and sad (he’s an only child). I really need to be tougher. I just don’t know how to do it.

Help, please?

How long does it take him to go to sleep? I ain’t a tough Mum but could you watch Tv on a tablet with subtitles or read a kindle in the corner of his room.

Maybe google disappearing chair.

It's hard but you need to find a way to soften the separation, we did chapter books, but it would be "stay just one more" etc. We introduced audio books on a timer (podcasts would work too) and it worked

Hi OP, roughly how long does it take him to go to sleep?
If it's not too long (half an hourish) I would say just go with it and he'll grow out of if eventually.
If it's much longer then maybe you could start a routine/set some boundaries.
Take him out shopping for some new things for his room and explain how bedtime is going to work from now on (he's old enough for this). Ie. 'Bedtime is for sleeping and mummy can't sit with you all evening'.
Nightlight and door wide open so he knows mummy is near.
New covers and maybe one of those nightlight teddies.
Some don't agree but falling asleep to an audio book usually works wonders. Does he have a favourite series?
Hope some of this helps. Good luck

By the time I'd written my response others have suggested similar 🙈

First stop all the fussing over him. No back rubs or cuddles. You can still be in the bedroom with him, but be busy - fold and sort laundry or something. Put an audio book on so there’s no need to chat and he has something to occupy him.

Then you can move on to: I’m just going to put this pile of washing in the airing cupboard, or whatever, I’ll come back in a minute and you need to wait here in bed.

Then you make the one minute 2, then 3 and so on.

Try letting him have some toys and books in bed. My rule was they had to stay in bed. They could do what they like when they were in there, hence the toys and books, and they had to stay in bed. They always fell asleep.

Not really a tough mum and there are many areas I could do with a bit of advice but as an outsider and in your situation you are going to have to bite the bullet and refuse.
Have you spoken to him about how at 6 his friends will all be in their beds without needing mum and how he is growing up?
I'd allow a compromise of doors open and lights on and possibly going up every half hour. How about an incentive for the first few times he falls asleep alone, such as a day-out or a small toy?
Try to see it as manipulation rather than him being actually lonely. Am sure he is fine. He just uses this line as he knows it works.

What time does he go to bed? How long does it take him to nod off? Could you try a later bed time? My 6YO has recently started staying awake longer so we've moved bedtime back to 8pm now.

How much of your attention does he get in the day before bedtime? Could you make a special effort to give him lots of time, cuddles etc in the evenings before bed. It sounds to me like he's doing it for attention.

No advice as my 5yo is the same. It takes ages and I've lost my patience with the whole situation. Bedtime stress is overshadowing everything at the moment.

Mine is the same but I sit next to him and fiddle around on Mumsnet which is what I’d be doing downstairs anyway. So everyone’s happy. I certainly don’t give him loads of attention but I am in the room .

Are you a lone parent, or do you have a dp who could share the load?

Have a routine before bed. Warm milk? Read a story? Then, say goodnight, lights out and leave, no back rubs or cajoling.
If he is genuinely scared of something then you may need to take a different approach. DD is the same age and has nightmares quite a lot and gets scared. Her favourite teddy bear is now "Dragonslayer" and is sworn to keep the monsters at bay.

Fairybeagle has some good suggestions. It's tough at the best of times as a parent and bedtimes can be an anxiety provoking time for everyone. Have a chat with them and come up with a bedtime plan, make sure all his needs have been met, teeth, loo, water nearby, favourite cuddle toy to hand. That way you won't have anything to feel guilty about when you leave the room as planned after the agreed story / chapter. Explain before hand that after you have kissed / snuggled you will leave say night night and not engage further. Maybe come up with a nice treat in the morning as a reward for going him to sleep.

Also remember they can be manipulative little f***s too, so plan for a little reward for you too once you are out the room and on the sofa

Op my eldest was very similar at that age. I found once he could comfortably read bigger story books alone he enjoyed reading himself to a very dozy place then just a cuddle and off he went. It went from very difficult to very easy pretty quickly.

As an aside - do you think there is a reason why he needs you? Do you have a strained relationship and there is some insecurity there from him? Playing devils advocate to a point but if he feels insecure in other ways maybe he needs you at bedtime as he feels secure then.

He is 6 and he is old enough for you to explain then refuse.

Soften the blow with prizes in the morning if he goes to sleep alone, I would expect it to be hard for the first few days though. It's a tough habit to break, but he will sleep much better if he's going to bed happily alone instead of with you but upset with all the back and forth.

I'm quite a tough mum particularly around bedtime and I'd use his reasons to not let you go as a chance for a good chat about how bedtime is for quiet and calm it whilst it might seem lonely it's actually just lovely and peaceful and his brain needs some rest. Scared - what is he scared of? You are in the house, no one else is coming in so he's safe. Doesn't like the dark? Leave a bathroom light on but being dark is helping your brain switch off. Etc etc. Give him proper sensible answers to his fears or objections but then move away and brace yourself . I seriously couldn't be doing with lying down or staying in the room until they were asleep although appreciate not everyone wants to tough it out especially as they get more stubborn older.

Agree with above about agreeing a positive routine before hand about what will happen at bedtime and it involving positive time together.

And don't emotionally disconnect... make sure that you're connected enough for him to feel secure that you DON'T need to be there.

Tell him he has to stay in bed and you will come back to him. If he gets up, he has to go back on his own.

Leave him for 30 seconds until he reliably stays in bed and waits for you to come back in. Then increase the time to one minute, 2 minutes, etc.

You have to be really careful to go back at the right time every time. If you forget and he gets up because you didn't come back, you're back to square one.

Eventually, he should get to the point where he is used to waiting for you, so he isn't scared and starts falling asleep before you get back.

Audiobooks can make the waiting easier. My DD2 had a speaker in her pillow for a while so she had to have her head on the pillow to hear it.

. Y 5 yo ds went through a phase of this. I just used to get in the bed and mumsnet and completely ignore him, then he would fall asleep with boredom (and obviously tiredness). He got over it and goes to sleep himself now. That went on for at least 6 months.

Going to be shot for suggesting this but I can’t leave the thread without making it:

Has something traumatic happened during bedtime for lo to be so unhappy falling asleep alone?

I'm not a very tough mum but I am a softie mum who had to learn to be tougher so maybe I can help :o

I had to sit with DS1 to fall asleep until he was 4. I got him to stay alone by using an audio book (CD) and had some which were children's meditations. I put it on such a low volume even moving around in bed made it difficult to hear. I also did the "I've just got to go for a wee, be back in a minute" which turned into an urgent poo that mysteriously took 20+ minutes. He was always fine if he knew I was coming back. So I took advantage of that, and eventually I was able to tell him that I came back but he'd been fast asleep and how about I just came to check on him when I was going to bed? He was OK with that, surprisingly.

I think my biggest thing was getting over my belief that I had to make him happy at all times, stopping being afraid of his negative emotions, and putting them into context. For some reason I find this much easier with my second baby. I can leave him in his cot with some toys while I shower, and I just close the door - I don't worry constantly that he might be crying. I just think "If he is a bit bored, or lonely - so what? It's only five minutes. He won't be hurt. He won't have a cupboard fall on him. He can't fall off. He will be fine, and I'll give him a cuddle when I get out".

You know what? It's OK to be lonely and sad sometimes. As parents it's not our job to constantly ensure that our children are neither lonely nor sad. (And TBH if he did have a brother or sister to have tremendous amounts of fun with at bedtime, that would drive you mad in a different way :))

I found this book called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons to be a huge help.

I'm sorry I can't write more because DS2 who I have been ridiculously soft and let get up and play/have a snack is actually showing signs of being sleepy again and I need to run - but may be able to post more tomorrow.

Hmmm. I’m tough in some ways and less so in others, so maybe I’m not who you want to hear from. My DS was 6 when I stopped staying with him while he went to sleep, but I didn’t hate it so it hadn’t become a conflict/control thing and we grew out of it quite amicably together.

In general, though, I don’t cajole or wheedle, for anything. (Possible exception for handwriting practice, for long and convoluted reasons, but that’s it.) If I’ve said something is happening and and it’s not up for negotiation, no negotiation will be happening.
I think you may need to begin by building up your authority so he recognises that what you say is what happens, which is good for improving behaviour and also good for improving his sense of security. For a bit (few days) I think this means not trying to impose rules you actually can’t control, and really picking your battles, which definitely doesn’t include addressing bedtimes. Sometimes I have to go back to this if I’ve let things slide and it looks like “DS, put that toy down and come to the table” or whatever and if he doesn’t immediately put it down I gently and firmly remove it from his hand etc. And I also stop trying to get him to stop fidgeting or whatever because while the fidgeting is bloody annoying, it’s hard for him to control and therefore my instructions become a bit of background hum rather than something to be followed. So in your shoes I would begin by exerting your authority at other times, when it’s unlikely to be challenged.
At the same time I’d also look to stay connected. Is he getting meaningful time with you in the day, when he has your attention and your cuddles and your listening and whatever else he might be seeking at bedtime? Build that in proactively so he doesn’t have to ask for it. Connected kids behave better.

At six I think I’d be open with him - but without shaming or comparing ‘other six year olds do better’ is the message he’d likely get from that, I worry - I’d just say (not at bedtime), “I know you like it when I stay with you while you go to sleep, but I’m not going to do that any more because I still have lots of jobs to do once you’re in bed. I’m going to read you one (two/whatevs, but be precise and stick to it) chapter, then I’ll sit and we can talk for one (2/5/whatever) minute, then I’m going to go.” And do it. You can do it popping in and out with laundry if you like, I leave mine with his lamp on reading in bed and tell him what I’ll be doing and that I’ll come in and switch his lamp off when he’s asleep. On the odd occasion that he has tried to get back up, I’ve told him it’s bedtime and I’m getting on with my jobs now, very boring and unemotive.

Also - I think you’re being unfair to yourself to feel angry that you’ve created this. I don’t like all that ‘rod for your back’ way of thinking, it’s less a rod for your back and more a stick for beating yourself with. You did what you chose/had to at that time, and now you’re ready you can push a change through. Staying with them while they go to sleep is a nice kind thing, if it works for everyone.

Ignore me btw if you do just want to get tough at bedtime! I’m sure that can work fine too. Good luck whatever approach you take.

Mine have generally been great at bedtime but the 7 YO went through a phase like this a couple of months ago. There was nothing bothering him, nothing he could articulate anyway. I said I wasn’t going to stay in the room but I’d leave the hallway light on and be in my bedroom which is right next door. He was happy enough with this and it passed.

Sometimes it’s just a kid being a kid and nothing you’ve done!

I have no advise but "I'm a people person" made me laugh, bless his heart