Partner not getting the need for baby stuff

[whyishebeingaknob]

I don't know if anyone else's partner was like this but he's driving me up the wall. We're having a baby and starting to discuss the house arrangements. At the moment we have the master, dd's bedroom, a study and a spare bedroom. Dh sleeps in the spare room as he thrashes around like a fish and I would throttle him. My suggestion has been to get two single beds in the master so we're in the same room but not disturbed.

He has questioned why the baby needs a nursery, says he won't give up the spare room and questions any piece of equipment that needs to be bought. Ie cot, stroller. He says it's all 'top of the range'. It's not, it's just average baby stuff. He says baby can go in the study, which has no wardrobe and currently has loads of furniture in it that I've no idea where we'll move it to.

I feel like he's being incredibly obstructive to purchasing anything or changing anything for the baby, which he very much wanted. He is complaining about the cost of everything. We're not broke and he earns well, he just refuses to use savings for anything. I guess in my mind I think well when a new baby comes along, it might not be a year we save and we have to accept some additional expense.

At this point I'm thinking I either just stop discussing buying furniture and let him see the practicality of no nursery/change table/wardrobe. This means the master becomes my bedroom and nursery, and it'll be me that has to work it out.

My other option that I'm seriously starting to consider (because I'm hormonal? Or just really fucking sick of being the only one adjusting to a baby) is leaving him. Less money on my own, but at least I can spend it as I see fit and buy a fucking cot without being called extravagant.

I also wouldn't have to listen to him go on about how he'll be the only one making sacrifices (financially) once the baby is here. As though giving up a job, my own income, superannuation, and stretching my body to all hell isn't a sacrifice.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[Babysharkdododont]

Is he the father of dd? How is all this coming as a shock to him?

[Pearlfish]

When is the baby due? Have you got ages to think about this or is it urgent?

Leaving him over this does seem like an overreaction assuming you are generally happy!

[whyishebeingaknob]

No he's not. But we've been together 8 years so he's not unfamiliar with children.

[RebootYourEngine]

What does he think a baby needs?

[Halimeda]

As though giving up a job, my own income, superannuation, and stretching my body to all hell isn't a sacrifice.

Well, don't give up your job -- go back to work after maternity leave! If he's pitching a Scrooge-ish hissy fit about moving some furniture and buying a cot and pushchair, then I can't begin to imagine the horror of being a SAHM supported by him!

Oh, hang on, you already have a daughter? Don't you have her old things?

[Drogosnextwife]

So turn the study into a nursery 🤷‍♀️. Hard to tell whether they baby stuff you are buying is extavigant or not without knowing what it is. If this is his first child I can imagine it will come as a bit of a shock how expensive things are.

[whyishebeingaknob]

I know it seems like an overreaction. I just feel really marginalised. Like he's gone all Big Man make the decisions, and being really patronising about what we can afford financially. I'm not bloody stupid, I've done it before.

I feel like he thinks he's doing me a favour by going to work and supporting me when the baby is born, and I've got no idea what it takes. I raised my dd on my own until I met him.

[Drogosnextwife]

Why do you have to give up your job?

[GiveMeAllTheGin8]

Just buy the stuff you need. Is he feeling anxious with the new arrival?

[whyishebeingaknob]

@Halimeda I'm thinking I'll have to.

[whyishebeingaknob]

No I don't have her old things. Got rid of them years ago.

[whyishebeingaknob]

Because childcare will be very expensive and he earns so much there will be no entitlement to any rebate. Not sure what the equivalent child care benefit is in the UK.

[Halimeda]

Are you sure you want this relationship to continue, OP?

Either way, hang onto your job, or you'll have to beg for money for nappies, the way this is going...

[whyishebeingaknob]

@Drogosnextwife there's a huge bookcase in there filled with books that won't fit anywhere else in the house. Along with filing cabinets, desk, computer, chairs etc. He has no answer for where any of it will go.

[SherlockSays]

Do women automatically have to give up their job when they have a baby now?

I think I missed that memo..

My DH was a little like this, not to that extent - he loved picky a decorating the nursery, picking a pram etc. But more of the more niche stuff like sleepyhead etc. (Which we didn't actually buy or need) he thought was me being over the top.. it did reign be in a little.

It would drive me mad, I think I'd have to leave or give a serious ultimatum.

[Sirzy]

a change table isn’t a necessity. A wardrobe isn’t either really for a baby.

I wonder if this is a problem because you are both coming from opposite extremes of what you think is needed?

You haven’t got a spare room. That’s his room. So use the study as a room for the baby.

[whyishebeingaknob]

@SherlockSays no I don't have to. He earns more than me and wouldn't give it up. (I won't receive any maternity pay) The childcare cost is just extortionate that's all.

[Mumbaikar]

Can't he sleep in the study?
Or baby in with you until it can go in with DD.

Unless he is usually like this then to me it sounds like he is anxious about money after the baby arrives.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

no I don't have to. He earns more than me and wouldn't give it up. (I won't receive any maternity pay) The childcare cost is just extortionate that's all.

I wouldn't give up my job. Is he going to contribute to childcare?

I can foresee you having to explain every nappy; every class, every cup of tea if he feels he's funding it.

[Snowflakes1122]

Surely it’s not an immediate problem? The baby will be in with you for the first 6 months, as advised, and then as pp says go in with your dd?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I also think we might need more of a picture of what you think you need (and brands). As Sirzy points out, a wardrobe for a baby is unnecessary as is an entire nursery, to be perfectly honest, since they don’t even sleep there for the first six months of their lives, at least.

[hormonesorDHbeingadick]

If he is behaving like this then I wouldn’t be giving up work, he will only get worse.
Was the baby planned? When is it due?
Babies don’t need wardrobes, or a nursery for the first 6 months. Changing table is debatable depending on your birth but you can get a cot top changer if space is an issue.

[whyishebeingaknob]

DD's room is not big enough for more furniture. She's a teenager and it doesn't seem fair for her to share with a very small child.

We can use the study. It just seems crazy to move a shitload of furniture to god knows where, when we have a bedroom that only has a bed in it. I thought us sharing a bedroom would be the natural solution.

[hormonesorDHbeingadick]

The commando Dad book is good for planning for a baby. Buy him a copy.

[whyishebeingaknob]

The baby was planned yes. Due in September.