Partner not getting the need for baby stuff

[whyishebeingaknob]

I don't know if anyone else's partner was like this but he's driving me up the wall. We're having a baby and starting to discuss the house arrangements. At the moment we have the master, dd's bedroom, a study and a spare bedroom. Dh sleeps in the spare room as he thrashes around like a fish and I would throttle him. My suggestion has been to get two single beds in the master so we're in the same room but not disturbed.

He has questioned why the baby needs a nursery, says he won't give up the spare room and questions any piece of equipment that needs to be bought. Ie cot, stroller. He says it's all 'top of the range'. It's not, it's just average baby stuff. He says baby can go in the study, which has no wardrobe and currently has loads of furniture in it that I've no idea where we'll move it to.

I feel like he's being incredibly obstructive to purchasing anything or changing anything for the baby, which he very much wanted. He is complaining about the cost of everything. We're not broke and he earns well, he just refuses to use savings for anything. I guess in my mind I think well when a new baby comes along, it might not be a year we save and we have to accept some additional expense.

At this point I'm thinking I either just stop discussing buying furniture and let him see the practicality of no nursery/change table/wardrobe. This means the master becomes my bedroom and nursery, and it'll be me that has to work it out.

My other option that I'm seriously starting to consider (because I'm hormonal? Or just really fucking sick of being the only one adjusting to a baby) is leaving him. Less money on my own, but at least I can spend it as I see fit and buy a fucking cot without being called extravagant.

I also wouldn't have to listen to him go on about how he'll be the only one making sacrifices (financially) once the baby is here. As though giving up a job, my own income, superannuation, and stretching my body to all hell isn't a sacrifice.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Are you still having sex? Sounds like he’s got someone else to be honest and is distancing himself from you / baby.

Why won't you get any maternity pay?

You don't really need changing tables or wardrobes, they are nice things to have if you want them/ can afford them but they aren't essentials.

Did you discuss that you weren't going back to work after the baby before getting pregnant?

I guess I just don't get what the difference is between the baby needing it's own room now and in a years time? At some point it will need space for clothes, and cot etc. When is acceptable to make proper space for them?

@pastabest because of the length of service at my job I have no entitlements. No entitlement to government pay as he earns too much.

Yes it was discussed that I would look after the baby, taking into account childcare costs.

Move (chuck) all the furniture from the study into his room and let him deal with it

Decorate the nursery and buy a cot

He’s a big baby -

So you have a 4 bedroom house. Three of the bedrooms are used as bedrooms so surely clearing the 4th to make the 4th bedroom is the only option?

Well presumably you have sleeping arrangements that are currently working absolutely fine fir you but you are proposing to change these so he moves into your room at the same time (or even before) a new baby arrives and will be in there there with you both for at least 6 months, just so you can make a room into a nursery.

Selfish of him? Probably, but you can understand why he's not rushing to do it as a priority surely?

The smallest bedroom (study?) is the obvious choice. Time to declutter.
I wouldn’t expect him to give up hid bedroom. It’s not as simple as putting twin beds in your room - he doesn’t want that or it would have happened before.

Baby should be in with you for 6 months anyway.

Impossible to say whether you’re spending more than necessary.

But the biggest issue here is him throwing his weight around about supporting you.

He can fuck off with that attitude.

From your mention of Super I'm guessing you're in Aus, as am I. One really small point, I'm pretty sure statutory mat pay is non means tested? I say that as my DH is a high earner and I received it for 12? weeks after my employer mat pay ended.

My DH was a bit like this about buying stuff for our first despite us having no real financial pressures. I think he was just slightly overwhelmed and thought a lot of it was unnecessary (that said he had zero experience of children before ours)

@Ohwhatbliss I will look into it. When I did some reading prior it said you had to have worked continuously with no more than 8 weeks breaks. I was off with HG.

Sorry, there is a means test but it's individual income, and the cut off is 150k

I wouldn't bother with a changing table or wardrobe for a baby to be honest. We got both as part of a set with our cot and haven't used any of it yet including the cot as DD is still in a crib in our room and her clothes are in our room too. We basically have an empty furnished nursery that was ready for months before she was born and won't be used until she's at least 6 months. There really is no hurry to sort all this yet.

I feel like he thinks he's doing me a favour by going to work and supporting me when the baby is born

He’s supporting his child ffs.

If it was paid sick leave it's classed as work so worth looking into

@Lucylou321 I guess I'm thinking to when I had dd, and used a change table all the time after my c section.

@whyishebeingaknob There is a stipulation that you can't have had more than 8 weeks at a time off, but there are exemptions for some pregnancy related complications - you should definitely apply gather the medical evidence listed on the link below and apply anyway.

www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/parental-leave-pay/eligibility/work-test

Why not move all the stuff from the study into the 'spare room' aka his room? Then you have room for a nursery and he doesn't have to shift rooms, problem solved. Both of mine slept with me for at least the first year (my dd was with me for 3.5 years bedsharing), but they still need space for storing clothes, etc.

Baby will be in with you for at least 6 months anyway just de clutter the study and use that for when the time comes dont bother with a changing table you only need a changing mat and i dont always use mine! No wardrobe needed either chest of draws is adequate let him keep his room if you dont want to bed/room share

I would say to him that that's fine. The baby will have the study. Then get someone to move everything out of the study and into the spare room... job done

No point in a nursery to be honest, we lived in a one bed flat and managed fine. You need clothes storage (a couple of drawers and a bit of hanging is enough) and space to put a changing mat eg on top of your chest of drawers, baby needs a cot at some point but ours slept in the pram carrycot at first and mostly in our bed

Im kind of on his side. My baby never had a nursery room. He needs to sleep with us for the first 6 months as recommended. He’s still with us 13 months. Changing table ? We didn’t get any. And I’m glad. We do it on the floor where there is no risks of falls. The only thing my baby has is his own wardrobe. He’ll get his own room (right now he sleeps on a floor bed whilst we are still up ) and he moves into our room. Of course your partner needs to contribute in whatever you need but only saying that when I was pregnant I thought I needed loads and then realised it wasn’t that many things actually needed (thanks god I didn’t purchase some of them before baby was here )

I had a changing table that hooked over the top of the cot. Fantastic to stand to change the baby's nappy rather than get down on the floor post C section.

Your partner is being an arse. Who does all the stuff in the office belong to? If it is his, hire a skip and get some handy people in to fill it with his office stuff.

He doesn't want to move into the bedroom with you as it will mean that if the baby is in the room with you (first 6 months recommended in the UK) he might actually have to do some parenting. Maybe suggest putting a cot in the room with him instead.

Who will the baby be with at night OP? Just you? Or is he going to move to cot into his room every other night to help with night feeds?

Babies prob don't need a room their stuff but I was glad to have a nursery for DS even when he was in with us. I had a changing table and it doubled as storage for nappies, vests etc. as there was no wardrobe in his room just a chest of drawers. You don't need lots of stuff, but I was glad to have space to put things if I wanted to.

Because childcare will be very expensive and he earns so much there will be no entitlement to any rebate

This makes no sense. If he earns well of course you can afford childcare. Why are you the one whose supposed to pay for it?

Only you know if he is a shit bag or a decent but clueless dad to be. Pick out the stuff you want for the baby, then choose more expensive items and show him the prices, he will think the stuff you have picked is a bargain. As pp said, you don't need a room for the baby yet so try not to stress. He probably hasn't a clue how much time, energy, and space a new baby needs, but he will soon learn.