Can't cope with her anymore

[MummyParanoia101]

1 of 2 Sorry, had to post my OP in two parts - stupid App!

Sorry, it's a long one but please read if you can...

I love my DD (4) to bits, of course I do. But I can't do this anymore.
For context, I'm a disabled lone parent after her so-called Dad (who was my Carer) ran off with a Nurse when DD was 12 months. He hasn't seen DD since. His parents have hardly bothered either. They all live miles away.
I only have my elderly Mum and useless brother for family. I don't have any friends besides one whom I speak to on the phone (and coincidentally lives near DD's DF & his family).
I'm currently suffering from horrific depression & anxiety. It's making me angry, teary, barely able to function most days and on the verge of becoming Suicidal (have attempted in the past and once actually briefly succeeded).

I really want to make a point of stating that my DD is NOT neglected in any way. I make sure that, no matter how painful/difficult for me in times of crisis/upset, she has NO idea there's anything wrong. She's well looked after, has all she could ever need & more and most of what she wants as well! She's a very, very happy kid and is known in her class for being the happiest, full of beans, never-stops-bloody-singing type!
She is also NOT my Carer (as was automatically presumed & declared by a poster on here once, as soon as I mentioned I was a disabled lone parent ) She's a fab kid and flipping hilarious. (Especially if you just listen to her chattering to herself whilst playing!)
Despite her amazing-ness (not a word, I know!), I just cannot cope. I honestly can't. I can't do it anymore 😢
I've tried talking to people about this, I've cried out to my Mum for emotional support but unfortunately, my Mum doesn't 'do' emotional support 🤨. However, she does look after her for me one night per week (afternoon to lunchtime) and then in half term an additional day & couple of hours during another day which I fully appreciate. I'd genuinely be in a much, much worse place if she didn't. I don't disregard all that she does do.
However, I've tried a thousand times in a thousand different ways to have a normal, calm conversation with her about how I'm feeling and my desire for her to give a little more emotional support but she categorically doesn't know what she is meant to say or do. She's just not an 'emotion' person. No hugs as a kid etc.
Her & my Dad were just the same like that, God rest his soul.
My point being, that my Mum is not an avenue I can further explore for additional help here. She's 75 and whilst fitter than most her age (long dog walks), she is feeling her age and cannot cope with DD for more than 24 hours. It's too much for her too.

2 of 2

Ok it won't let me post the rest of my OP 🤷🏼‍♀️

That sounds really tough.

Is your daughter at school yet? Do you get any time while she’s at nursery etc?

It sounds like your depression is the root cause of this-when was the last time you saw your gp or other health professional?

My apprehension surrounding getting help, stems from a fear of triggering an unnecessary SS referral. I know, I know, they don't just take your kid. They're there to help etc but it really is totally unnecessary and nobody likes having their parenting put under the microscope.
Besides, I once went and begged my GP to refer me to a Psychiatrist (since having DD). I was in a right state. When I finally got seen (supposedly an emergency referral but took 9 months) by MHS I was given an initial assessment - naturally. I was in a right state then too. Sobbing, shaking etc. The counsellor/assessor said, and I'm paraphrasing here; "I deal with people with deep, enduring mental health illnesses and I can tell you you're not mentally ill. You've suffered a lot of loss in your life and you're reacting to these circumstances that you have found yourself in. If we kept you within Mental Health Services, I feel we'd be doing you a huge disservice. You do need counselling though, that's for sure." Then she handed me a brochure for RELATE. Apparently there is no provision for Counselling within my NHS Trust 🙄😳 I cant afford to pay privately. What do I do???? Please help. I can't go on like this 😢
Thanks

DD is on the waiting list for an ASD assessment and the Speech & Language Therapist said to me, not in a jokey, lighthearted tone - very deadpan: "She's exhausting, isn't she?" Best thing she could've said. Finally, someone re-affirms that it's not just me. She really is difficult.

I dunno, maybe I just feel like this because it's half term and I have no friends or boyfriend?!
I do need to speak to someone professional though. Friday just gone, I honestly spent the entire day sat staring into space in silence... (DD was with DM! I wouldn't ever let her see me like that!)

@PurpleDaisies Sorry for the issues with my OP! App problems!
Yes she goes to Pre-school every afternoon but of course it's been half term. I haven't spoken to anyone about my depression for a long time because of the total fear of being referred to Social Services

Are you on medication? Have you explored support groups or something like CBT?

Sorry, posted before realised there was more!

Don’t be afraid of social services. Seeking help is viewed really positively. There’s no reason to think they’ll be involved just because you’re really down.

Yes I'm on the strongest anti depressant prescribable by a GP and the highest dose. It really is a good one and helps tremendously. I'm a hell of a lot worse without them. I've tried every SSRI & SNRI GPs can prescribe and this is by far the best. Believe it or not

You will probably be urged to contact SS yourself by other posters but I’ll be honest - I think as a lone parent to a preschooler, life is hard. Add disabilities in there (yours and DDs) and it’s harder still.

Life will be tough By all means reach out for support but this may not be a ‘fixable’ issue.

@aPengTing There's nothing like that in my area or within my local NHS Trust

Not fixable?

Well - yes, which isn’t to say things won’t ever get better, but life as a disabled lone parent to a child with disabilities is going to be hard Did you have something in mind, support wise?

No counselling, support groups, CBT in your area at all? Are you sure? Not even run by charities?

Not really sure what you can do then other than tell you that things will be much easier once your dd is in school full time.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

????? Why the standard begging thread warning MNHQ? How on Earth is this a begging thread? I don't have money issues?!!!

I give up. Please delete this thread, that's just killed it for me.

This place is truly crap sometimes

Thanks for everyone else's support so far

Don’t be upset. It’s a standard warning as some MNetters are a bit naive I’ve even reported one of my own posts when I was mentioning money!

Ohhhhh I said I can't afford to pay privately..... That's it. Ffs! Someone's reported me for that? Good Lord... That's just nasty. Clearly my issues need a solution quicker than any therapist can magic. Can I just point out that even if I could afford it - I wouldn't pay it as I don't believe it to be fairly priced.

For everyone reading this -
THIS THREAD IS NOT ABOUT MONEY!!!!!! Honestly, it really isn't. Therapy/counselling takes time. I don't believe I have the time for that...

Nobody would have reported you for money. Some might have reported concerns about your mental health which is where the post from mnhq has come from. It’s not a financial warning-it’s the standard “we’re concerned about you, here are some links to support”

Why the standard begging thread warning MNHQ? How on Earth is this a begging thread? I don't have money issues?!!!

Read the post again, it’s says:

we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Don’t take it as a slight against you. Some posters can become very unhealthily invested in a thread and that can end quite badly for those posters and the OP.

In September school starts and life will change, I'm not saying it will be easier but they get more independent and schools can also access more support than nurseries can if she has sn. Do explore what is available, don't accept no from your gp - this is where social services may be able to help because they know keeping your dd with you is best for both of you and cheaper for the state! It's possible to get all kinds of arrangements with ss but they can't help unless they know.

I can't offer specific advice of course but in more general terms you need to advocate for you both and here we can support you to a certain extent.

What support would you like OP? Do you work? Can you afford to pay for childcare or activity clubs for your DD so that you get more time to yourself?

What part of the country are you in OP? I know of some ASD groups that you might find helpful.
I have 2 ASD children and struggle myself so I do sympathise.
Could you look at Mind or Samaritans for advice with your mental health?

Also, do you think you might have some undiagnosed issues? Bipolar or a similar condition which might make your mood unstable? It sounds as if you find life hard, but that these feeling gets much worse at times. As you are on strong anti-Ds and have been for a long time, I'm wondering if there is something else causing the extreme lows? Is your disability physical? Sorry, I'm not an expert, I just want to suggest support groups and organisations. Gingerbread for example?
Tell us what a typical day is like.