Can't cope with her anymore

[MummyParanoia101]

1 of 2 Sorry, had to post my OP in two parts - stupid App!

Sorry, it's a long one but please read if you can...

I love my DD (4) to bits, of course I do. But I can't do this anymore.
For context, I'm a disabled lone parent after her so-called Dad (who was my Carer) ran off with a Nurse when DD was 12 months. He hasn't seen DD since. His parents have hardly bothered either. They all live miles away.
I only have my elderly Mum and useless brother for family. I don't have any friends besides one whom I speak to on the phone (and coincidentally lives near DD's DF & his family).
I'm currently suffering from horrific depression & anxiety. It's making me angry, teary, barely able to function most days and on the verge of becoming Suicidal (have attempted in the past and once actually briefly succeeded).

I really want to make a point of stating that my DD is NOT neglected in any way. I make sure that, no matter how painful/difficult for me in times of crisis/upset, she has NO idea there's anything wrong. She's well looked after, has all she could ever need & more and most of what she wants as well! She's a very, very happy kid and is known in her class for being the happiest, full of beans, never-stops-bloody-singing type!
She is also NOT my Carer (as was automatically presumed & declared by a poster on here once, as soon as I mentioned I was a disabled lone parent ) She's a fab kid and flipping hilarious. (Especially if you just listen to her chattering to herself whilst playing!)
Despite her amazing-ness (not a word, I know!), I just cannot cope. I honestly can't. I can't do it anymore 😢
I've tried talking to people about this, I've cried out to my Mum for emotional support but unfortunately, my Mum doesn't 'do' emotional support 🤨. However, she does look after her for me one night per week (afternoon to lunchtime) and then in half term an additional day & couple of hours during another day which I fully appreciate. I'd genuinely be in a much, much worse place if she didn't. I don't disregard all that she does do.
However, I've tried a thousand times in a thousand different ways to have a normal, calm conversation with her about how I'm feeling and my desire for her to give a little more emotional support but she categorically doesn't know what she is meant to say or do. She's just not an 'emotion' person. No hugs as a kid etc.
Her & my Dad were just the same like that, God rest his soul.
My point being, that my Mum is not an avenue I can further explore for additional help here. She's 75 and whilst fitter than most her age (long dog walks), she is feeling her age and cannot cope with DD for more than 24 hours. It's too much for her too.

@SinkGirl Awww bless em x

I'd love to up the hours but it's massively oversubscribed. Had to go on a waiting list just to add an extra 3 hours on She's now there Monday's all day (Not tomorrow though - teacher training 🙄 Why can't they do it during half term?!) then tues-fri 12:30-3:20. With the afternoons, by the time I've driven to & from, I get about 2 hours a day free. Better than nothing I suppose. Then in September she'll be in full time school!

I don’t know what it’s like in the UK, but here people who need help for disabilities can be assigned a certain amount of hours home help. That’s what I mean by “official carer”. They’re not nurses, just people who train in helping adults with disabilities etc.

On the scouts issue, I don’t know why your disability would stop you from volunteering! When my son was in the scouts one of the leaders was in a wheelchair. She collected money, spoke to parents, organised games etc. nothing physical but she was certainly a wonderful leader and she didn’t have to cope with the children alone!

ivana, I know you’re trying to be helpful but I’m not sure you’ve really understood the state of the care system in the uk, or how clinical depression and disability affects different people differently.*

Ivana - the OP suffers from pain and utter exhaustion has no available additional childcare, volunteering in the evenings just isn't viable...

I’ve said I don’t know how it works in the UK.

And OP has said that she’s desperately lonely and that her dd needs constant attention. So I was suggesting one possible scenario that could deal with those two things at once.

If it’s not viable fair enough. The only other time I posted on it was when OP said that her disability would prevent her from doing it, so I clarified that I know of a disabled scout leader who does the tasks she’s able to do.

I have chronic conditions myself. I get the debilitating exhaustion. In my own case I’m exhausted doing small tasks, and equally exhausted doing nothing so I figure if you’re going to be fatigued anyway, it might be nice to occasionally be around other people having a cuppa, having a chat, watching dd play and make friends..🤷‍♀️

There might be a local mental health charity/local branch of MIND, that offers free/subsidised counselling.

sorry for your situation op. i think you are at the end of your tether because of the half term.
i believe once she starts school you will feel better.
being a lone parent especially a disabled lone parent is so hard
what will you do during summer holidays?
your dd's age is a difficult age.
when she is grown up she will help you but God give strength till then.
you are a strong woman and dont blame yourself when you are not able to do something.
accept her as she is and try not to feel the emptiness of someone(partner/friend) being with you, they come with their problems.

wish you well, xx.

I would really recommend getting a therapist- it is worth the money when you find one who helps. I was in a similar situation as a lone parent with depression and anxiety and a mother who can't do emotional support. I found the right person who charged £40 but agreed to charge me £25 after a few sessions when he saw how much I needed the therapy.

Why the hell should we do teacher training days during half term OP? Teachers aren't childcare! When you worked you wouldn't have found doing compulsory training during your holidays acceptable! Don't throw crap at everyone else because you're having a hard time!

I really feel for you OP, you are in a truly shit situation. I have a similar illness, EDS, and the fatigue and pain on top of a little one are a killer (are you sure you don't have EDS, btw? If you have CFS and hypermobility you should be checked out for it. You may also be interested to know, if you don't already, that there is an increased prevalence of ASD in the children of those with CFS and EDS).

I agree that therapy would help, and it's beyond shit that the NHS are so useless for it. What I would say is that many therapists will, on the quiet, take on clients who need therapy but are unable to afford the full fees. They will do this sometimes for a very, very reduced fee, i.e. very little indeed. It's not always advertised, so if I were you, I would look up some local therapists, see who you like the look of, and approach them to see if they do reduced fee work and, if so, whether they have a free slot for this. You may need to show evidence of your financial resources, but therapists are in the profession to help. You will find someone willing to help for a much reduced fee, I'm sure.

You need life to give you a break, and I hope you get it soon.

(Not tomorrow though - teacher training 🙄 Why can't they do it during half term?!)

FFS

Maybe this isn’t the right time to jump on a teachers’ rights bandwagon.

Thankyou so much for that tip! @Tolleshunt

I'm pretty certain I have EDS but my Doc just said "Well the treatment wouldn't be any different than what you're on now, so 🤷🏼‍♀️" 🤨

@greenbluepurple Hahahaha! You get more holiday than any other profession! You're part timers!

@bluebell34567 @greydayatmosphere Thankyou both

Leave the teacher thing MummyParanoia101. Your thread will get derailed by a lot of (justifiably) pissed off teachers.

@IvanaPee Yeah I can see where you're coming from I suppose. I do need company that's for sure.

No worries!

The treatment might be the same (there's not much for EDS tbh), but I wonder if a diagnosis might affect things like benefits and eligibility for care, e.g. for DD? I don't actually know, just wondering. I know that having a fibro/CFS diagnosis results in a lot of scepticism, so am wondering if an EDS one, if appropriate would help. The GP might not be thinking of all the angles/advantages, but just be thinking of the medical angle.

Tolleshunt didn’t the OP say she has MS? If so don’t think she needs to be tinkering with EDS diagnosis for benefits.

I know she has MS Iwrote, but what benefits or other help she gets will depend on how this manifests. Treatments can work very well these days, to the point that many can lead relatively normal lives. I know two people with MS, and both of them are able to work full time and have a social life, because the meds are keeping them stable. So OP won't necessarily be eligible for much if she is similarly responding well to the meds.

On the other hand, CFS/fibro and EDS an be very disabling, but those with CFS are often disbelieved and find it hard sometimes to qualify for benefits. Currently there are no tests for it, so it is a diagnosis of exclusion, and many believe it is 'all in the mind'. An EDS diagnosis gets round that.

Of course, OP may not need the EDS diagnosis (and I'm not saying she definitely has it, just that she might do). I just mentioned it as a thought. It is up to OP whether that is helpful or not.

I’d definitely explore whether there’s any additional help you could access - PIP / ESA (or I guess Universal Credit these days), DLA for your daughter (receipt of DLA and / or PIP increases your tax credits too if you currently qualify for any, not sure of the criteria for child tax credits but you may well meet them if you’re not already getting them).

You could use this additional money to get a bit of respite care, or help with cleaning, or whatever might help. Once September is here things should get easier so it’s about managing things until then.

@SinkGirl I already get all of those but thanks anyway

@Tolleshunt I already get the highest level of disability benefits. Also, a diagnosis does not influence benefits at all, it's how what ever you have, affects you. It's all about the state you're in, regardless of diagnosis

Hi op it sounds very difficult for you at he moment I'm not in your area but going to try and make some suggestions and they might be no good or you have already looked ect. Does your area have talking therapies it's free counselling you can self refer to. Im in the process of volunteering with safer families they can get volunteers to come as a befriending service they can take little one out for a few hours or just play at home whilst you rest or they can go out with you both to appointments or groups ECT. You do need to be referred to this organisation. They also can provide over night care if that was some thing that may be beneficial to you. Homestart are another organisation that can send someone to help. Some organisations like anxiety uk have online support groups that may be helpful to you? for emotional support. Organisations like mind are sometimes able to offer help. I work in a surgery we have some admin people who are care navigators which basically means that they have a huge resource of support groups/ help ECT and you can have a chat with them and they will try and find something that would benefit you ( would it be worth asking at your surgery? ) would you consider an adult social care assesment for you to see if there is anything they can do for you ? If you want some local support have you tried looking for local mum / single mum groups or meet ups you can usually Google this or on Facebook also an app called mush matches you with local mums in the area and you can just chat if that's all you want or sometimes people will say going to soft play does anyone want to go ECT it might be a way to get some local support for you if you are feeling lonley. I would also speak to your health visitor and doctor as they will be well placed to know about local help/ support. Does your daughter get 30 free hours child care? is she not using them all if only at nursery afternoons could you try using another setting e.g. child minder for the rest of her hours to give you some more time ? obviously I don't know your religion if you have one but often churches can have a very supportive communities and they sometimes have children's clubs in the holidays ( usually pretty cheap) if you looked you could perhaps get your daughter booked into something for the next holidays. Hope some of this might have been helpful and really hope things start to look up for you have you made contact with any of the nursery mums at all ?

Thank you @Sleephead That befriending service sounds good, it's just that things like that, tend to lead to child social services sniffing around and that's not really necessary.
No single mum groups anymore.
My daughter isn't entitled to the 30 hours, due to my disabilities. She will be at full time school in september though :)
Thanks for the helpful tips, I've taken it all in x