would you make space for a house guest even if you had no room?

[aprilviolets]

my cousin lives overseas and has started visiting the UK on an annual basis. There are five of us and we have no spare bedrooms. The last time she visited, my seventeen year old had to give up her room (rather reluctantly, can't say I blame her, not sure I should've asked her to) and sleep on the sofa for a week. We don't have the space for house guests really.
She's due to visit again next year and I'm not sure it's ok to keep asking my teenagers to give up their bedrooms for a week. Or is this a normal thing to do/ask? Do your teens/kids give up their rooms for visiting guests? We never go her her country as it's 3 plane journeys away and costs a fortune to travel there, so not a reciprocal arrangement either!

She's definitely coming, but is just throwing around suggestions at the moment. One of them is to stay with us again (she knows it means a dc will have to go on sofa for a week)
I'm veering on the side of telling her that we don't have space and offering to visit her when she's staying with our other relative at other end of country, who does have space (empty nester)

No no no. Not during exams, no way. Learn from my bitter experiences.

'Sorry, cousin, but we really cannot accommodate guests during the exam period. Hope you manage to sort something else out instead.'

We don't have room so ordinarily don't have guests. When my sister has stayed down previously she's had the choice of a 2 seater sofa or the air bed in the living room.

There's no way I'd turf my children from their rooms to make room for a guest.

The only reason I'd shift anyone would be if MIL or my parents had some sort of emergency that necessitated urgent accommodation. Then I'd give up my room and sofa surf as would my husband

No, I wouldn't expect my children to give up their beds unless it was for an elderly relative, and even then only for a night or two.

Get an airbed and the cousin can sleep on the floor of the living room - or she can take the sofa herself!

I was made to give up my room as a child and teen. It was always my room, never a siblings. I learnt the valuable lesson that having to give up your room for your parents' guest you barely know who usually turns out to be poor company is shit.

Yeah just tell her you don't have space plus your teenagers will be concentrating on exams.

Why can't she stay in the lounge?

*the guest, not your dd

Can you not go back with something along the lines of

Hey x, whilst we loved hosting when the kids were younger, it’s no longer possible what with them growing and needing their space more than ever- not to mention exam time. Sorry we can’t accommodate you, but we’d love to see you whilst you’re over, maybe we could go out for lunch/dinner? X

I’d not be giving up mine or my kids beds in these circumstances. If they’re able to afford the journey, they can pay for suitable accommodation

Please don’t have her stay when your child is doing exams, it’s not fair.

Really, we wouldn't do it for more than 2 or 3 nights, its awkward for the DC who moves out of their room getting in and out to get clothes etc, having to dress and undress in the bathroom (we only have one), just too much disruption.

can't imagine she'd be happy at being in the lounge, as it's a busy thoroughfare and often the dogs sleep in there too! She'd get under my feet in the lounge too. She always travels with two massive suitcases and I can't imagine her wanting to live out of cases in the lounge.

If you don't have space and don't want her to stay, then don't invite her

No, we don't have a spare room (well, we have a room that isn't a bedroom, but there is no bed in it and we use it for storage, we can just about clear a space). When we have house guests, they can sleep in the lounge or in the 'spare room' surrounded by our storage boxes. They bring a sleeping mat/bag or we do have some camp beds we can set up. No one gets kicked out of their bedrooms. They are always welcome to stay at a holiday cottage or hotel nearby if that doesn't work for them. Usually most are happy to sleep on the floor/camp bed. When my mum and stepdad visit together, they stay nearby in a hotel (mum by herself sleeps on a spare mattress from our room on the floor in the 'spare' room, which she is fine with). We have small dc though, so no chance of them randomly sleeping anywhere anyway and we also need to be in our room to deal with night wakings.

Children/young people should always give us their rooms for others, except in rare circumstances such as exams.
It’s part of learning to put others first.

Seeing as it'll be exam time this should be about your daughter, not your cousin - who's beginning to sound like a CF.

It's a totally normal thing to do for family!

Only as an occasional one-off. Not as an expected thing to do every year because a relative fancies using you as a free hotel. And certainly not during the exam period.

Totally not on or fair to tell a teen to give up their room for a guest during exam time. Total no-brainer there. Very simple: Would love to see you but unfortunately this year we won't be able to accommodate you due it's being a critical exam week for X. Hope you understand. x'

"I'm sorry but as the kids have got older, there isn't the room any more. Plus it is exam time for middle dc so I don't want anything to disrupt their studying. I'm sure you'll understand and tough shit if you don't "

And this has the added advantage of being the truth

If she keeps on being facilitated, she'll keep on abusing your hospitality.

I certainly wouldn't expect a child in the middle of external exams to give up their room.
Just say to your cousin that it won't be possible for her to stay this year, and that you are happy to suggest hotels, airbnbs etc in your area if she would like you to.

I was always the child in this situation and it was bullshit. I won’t be expecting my children to give up their rooms for anyone. I work around guests - when I was single and living in a houseshare (my housemates were lovely and we didn’t mind the occasional guests) I would give up my room for my parents then, nobody else. I won’t give up my bed for them now, they get a hotel as my husband has a physical job and I can’t risk his back problems getting worse so he needs our bed.

Once my children get to the teenage years I wouldn’t expect them to bunk up for a guest. Guest can have a blow up bed in the lounge or the sofa!

Well, I think your DD sounds as if she was ungracious in the past, and I'm generally of the 'budge up' school of having family to stay (I grew up sleeping on airbeds, sofas and lilos when visiting family at Xmas etc; we all just muddled in together). But I do agree that teens need their rooms for quiet study, and especially around exams.

Is the lounge really out of the question? Sorry if it's not big enough for this, but could you screen off a section of it so she can store her stuff out of everyone's way?

If not then I think it'd be fine to say, 'We really can't manage it at the moment; the teens need their rooms and the house as quiet as possible for exams. But do be enthusiastic about the idea of visiting her wherever she does stay.

Not during exam period.

Can you offer an alternative set of dates, maybe when one of your children is away with friends or something? Or during the holidays when it can be more relaxed and then only for a night or two.

Or you could just say no outright if you aren’t bothered about seeing her.

yeah, she wants to come next summer, which will fall on exam days for my middle dc. I'm not sure I can ask her to be forced out of her bedroom during exams.
Seriously? You have to ask?

can't imagine she'd be happy at being in the lounge
Tough shit!

You need to grow a back bone STAT!