Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is it weird to have NO female friends?

65 replies

Loka123 · 27/05/2019 12:11

I'm a bit of a nerdy type and probably labelled as a very smiley, people pleaser.

I've generally found it easier to befriend guys (at school, high school, sixth form, uni, work etc.) but with girls, there's always.. this invisible wall.. (as I've generally been rejected by girls in the past e.g. bullied at school, left out in social groups) it became a self fulfilling prophecy in that I'd never make a huge effort to approach them as I'd always been sorely rejected by them in the past (stuff from childhood really sticks around)

Even when I was uncomfortable talking with girls, it wasn't in a horrible way - if anything, I'd be more of a people pleaser with females, put up with them being unreasonable, etc. more than I would if it was a guy as I felt I needn't to tread carefully and one small bit of me seeming even vaguely hostile might mean I get cut off).

Now I'm mid-20s and have become a bit more comfortable talking with girls at work etc but still, it just feels like a formality on their end - we talk at work (small talk, etc.) and that's it and if anything, it's quite clear that a lot of them are competitive at work so inwardly, aren't genuinely wanting to be proper friends. It's obvious they want to finish the convo and not extend it further (from eye contact etc. or they'll just excuse themselves and go).

With guys, it feels easy, natural (they never look like they wanna get away) and so every social activity I do (holidays, outings etc are always with male friends) which does get me down sometimes like I'm missing something that all other girls seem to have :(

OP posts:

NoNewsisGood · 27/05/2019 12:18

Look into ASD.

The women I am friends with are similar to me and find friendships with women difficult. There is usually some secret code with women that none of us know or seem to crack.

The ASD theory is that the guys accept you as you either find their code easier or, you are not expected to know the code, so they are happy for you to hangout and if you mess up, it's ok cos you're not expected to know.

Some Aspies talk about relationships and friendships being easier in other countries as when they mess up social cues, they are forgiven for being 'foreign' rather than 'weird' or 'strange' that they might get labelled in their own country.

May not be, but just a thought. Have a look at high functioning aspergers presenting in women/girls and see if any of it resonates.

Frownette · 27/05/2019 12:40

No it's not weird - people spend far too much time thinking about what others think of them.

The majority of my friends are female but by circumstance I keep in contact with my male friends more at present.

Wait til you meet a female friend you feel comfortable chatting to, it'll happen :)

Mummab1991 · 27/05/2019 12:42

I’m exactly the same! I have a couple of female friends (literally 2) but I just get on with guys better! I work in a male dominated place too so this is probably why!

PicsInRed · 27/05/2019 14:05

How was your relationship with your mother, OP?

Damntheman · 27/05/2019 14:13

It's not weird, but seeing 'female' used instead of 'women' does make me cringe.

OP you just haven't found the women you connect with. You may never, and that's okay, but you may also suddenly one day realise you've found your people. We are all different :)

IHaveBrilloHair · 27/05/2019 14:15

Dd17 has ASD and finds guys much easier to make friends with, always has.

Bluesheep8 · 27/05/2019 15:54

I don't have any friends full stop. By choice. I don't need any. I see it that it would just be another obligation and I have enough of those. Don't mean to sound miserable, I'm not, I just don't need any more people in my life!

BasilBooBoo · 27/05/2019 20:55

If you call them females I can see why they aren't interested.

EleanorOalike · 27/05/2019 21:09

OP I don’t find it weird. I do have female friends but can’t stand bitchy behaviour and have had to end a lot of friendships over petty competitiveness towards other girls when I was in my early twenties and teens and at school I had more male friends. I’ve also been bullied and disowned by a lot of girls growing up, usually because I wouldn’t get involved in being negative about other girls looks or personalities. I wasn’t smug or self righteous about it, I’d just say “I feel a bit mean talking like this behind her back. Please can we talk about something else?” and the next thing I’d know would be that I’d be uninvited to things, called names or ignored.

I’m in my 30s now and find it easier to make friends with other women now and find people this age do want true friends rather than someone to gossip and bitch with. I’m also less of a people pleaser now and so I just distance myself straight away when I get a nasty vibe from someone of either sex rather than desperately trying to get them to like me.

Not being goady but I genuinely don’t understand why people are upset at OP’s use of female instead of women - please could someone explain? I use the terms Male and Female and didn’t know it could be considered offensive.

100percentplease · 27/05/2019 21:12

@PicsInRed

Why do you ask? Not my thread I know but I’m intrigued as I have the same issue as OP

Damntheman · 28/05/2019 07:10

@EleanorOalike Male and female are perfectly acceptable terms when used in the correct manner. These day and age 'female' is often used in the same context OP used it in "I don't make friends with females easily" by incels and men looking to belittle women by reducing them to animal components. Particularly telling is when these people then use 'men' in a similar sentence instead of 'males'. It serves to portray women as nothing but animals there only for reproduction and it's gross.

Damntheman · 28/05/2019 07:12

Also there are some hilarious sweeping generalisms in this thread. Boys and men are just as capable of backstabbing and being bitchy as girls and women. If you've only come across the type of women who enjoy drama and bitching, you've only come across a narrow section of women. I hate this generalism, it's damaging to the feminist cause.

Heptapod · 28/05/2019 07:21

I agree that if you call them ‘females’ and ‘girls’ in your head, you’re defaulting to ‘othering’ them. Look, OP, you are a woman. Are you a bitchy, competitive bully? No? Good. Neither are the overwhelming majority of women. Think about what a ridiculous assumption that is.

Because you don’t think your female colleagues are interested is not some message from the universe that you and other women will never be friends. You need to move on from your past and your assumptions that men are safe, cuddly and friendly while women are rejecting, ‘unreasonable’ and exclusive. Maybe you are still giving the impression you think this?

BrexitLetsCalltheWholeThingoff · 28/05/2019 07:24

If you call them females I can see why they aren't interested

Oh FFS - she used female only in the title, then "girls" in the rest of her post. I'm surprised you're not ripping into her for saying girls instead of women. Female isn't a derogatory word - it's not like OP said "is it weird to have no cis women as friends"

TemporaryPermanent · 28/05/2019 07:31

There are some women I feel aren't interested in me or what I have to say. They are more likely to be women who only seem to have male friends and in particular don't do self deprecation. My conversation seems likely to bore them and I worry about seeming shallow. I might come across as not interested when I'm actually just not wanting to trap them in a conversation that will bore them.

UndoingItAgain · 28/05/2019 07:38

Using the term females is othering now? That is the biggest pile of shit I've seen on here! I'm not being othered by being described as what I am -female.

Heptapod · 28/05/2019 07:41

You are female. So am I. However, I would only use the term ‘A female’ if I was talking about a litter of puppies or sexing hamsters or something.

resisterpersister · 28/05/2019 07:41

Most of my friends were guys when I was in my teens and I totally understand what you mean about guys being easier to slip into an easy friendship with.

I'm not ASD (we have it in the family so I've looked into it and I score very low on ASD tests!) but I've been a girly girl. The girls I knew as a teen were into talking stuff that just didn't mean anything to me - make up, boy bands etc. The boys were into going out into the world, exploring stuff and having fun. I didn't understand the "rules" for being friends with girls. There didn't seem to be any rules for being friends with boys.

But things changed as I got older. I met some women I really got on with in my late teens / early 20s. I found the friendships we had deeper (over time) than the ones I had with my male friends.

Now in my 40s, almost all my friends are women. I'm still really good friends with the guys I met in my teens but the new friends I've made over the last 30 years, since my teens, have mostly been women. I think that's in large part to do with people coupling up and society discouraging men and women being friends though. It's surprising how many people still think hetro men and women can't ever actually be "just" friends (bullshit!).

Do you want female friends? If so, instead of trying to befriend women you don't have much in common with, why not try find other "nerdy" women like you (there are lots of us out there!) through some kind of shared activity / hobby / volunteering?

Heptapod · 28/05/2019 07:43

Comprehension seems to be an issue with recent posters. The women the OP is complaining about are female, yes. Describing them as ‘females’ is othering, yes. Men are not ‘males’ to her.

JMAngel1 · 28/05/2019 07:43

I don't see why it should be a problem - as long as you get what you need from your guy friendships, it doesn't matter? Unless you feel like you're missing out chatting about more "girly" topics, then don't worry.
Personally for me, I would miss my girl friendships as there is a real sense of camaraderie which I don't have with my male friends. My male friendships are more superficial and banter based whereas the talk with my girl friends is more nourishing and deeper - we discuss everything - relationships, dreams, hopes, fears. If you have all of this with your male friends, then maybe that is all you need.

GottaGetUp · 28/05/2019 07:49

There is a difference between using female as an adjective and as a noun (which the OP does do once ‘I'd be more of a people pleaser with females’).

Female as an adjective requires a noun that shows you are talking about a person - female friend, female teacher. Female as a noun is more commonly used about animals/livestock (nature documentary - ‘the female responds to the male’s mating call’, or something) and feels wrong when applied to people.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 28/05/2019 07:51

If you call them females I can see why they aren't interested.

I agree that if you call them ‘females’ and ‘girls’ in your head, you’re defaulting to ‘othering’ them.

Oh FFS.

resisterpersister · 28/05/2019 08:01

Oops, that should say, I've NEVER been a girly girl

ZaZathecat · 28/05/2019 08:03

The op's title is completely normal. If she had the opposite problem she would have written "no male friends", not 'no men friends' or 'no boy friends', neither of which would have been as clear in meaning.

OP, there are women you'd get on with, but they're harder to find and you are probably keeping women at arms length after your experience at school.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 28/05/2019 08:12

Your massive generalisation of the sexes is interesting. I have some female friends and some male friends but find that some women aren't my type and some men. Which is the same for every other human being, I would think.

If you feel that all women treat you identically, the common denominator in that scenario is you - I would guess that you are projecting your mistrust and dislike of them the moment you meet and they are picking up on that. And when you meet men, you are much more relaxed and thus are able to interact with them in a more natural way. And thus your relationships with women and with men continue to develop as you expect.

And yup, "female" is predominantly used as an adjective when talking about human beings; using it as a noun also suggests that you have created a deliberate distance between you and other women.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread