Is it weird to have NO female friends?

[Loka123]

I'm a bit of a nerdy type and probably labelled as a very smiley, people pleaser.

I've generally found it easier to befriend guys (at school, high school, sixth form, uni, work etc.) but with girls, there's always.. this invisible wall.. (as I've generally been rejected by girls in the past e.g. bullied at school, left out in social groups) it became a self fulfilling prophecy in that I'd never make a huge effort to approach them as I'd always been sorely rejected by them in the past (stuff from childhood really sticks around)

Even when I was uncomfortable talking with girls, it wasn't in a horrible way - if anything, I'd be more of a people pleaser with females, put up with them being unreasonable, etc. more than I would if it was a guy as I felt I needn't to tread carefully and one small bit of me seeming even vaguely hostile might mean I get cut off).

Now I'm mid-20s and have become a bit more comfortable talking with girls at work etc but still, it just feels like a formality on their end - we talk at work (small talk, etc.) and that's it and if anything, it's quite clear that a lot of them are competitive at work so inwardly, aren't genuinely wanting to be proper friends. It's obvious they want to finish the convo and not extend it further (from eye contact etc. or they'll just excuse themselves and go).

With guys, it feels easy, natural (they never look like they wanna get away) and so every social activity I do (holidays, outings etc are always with male friends) which does get me down sometimes like I'm missing something that all other girls seem to have :(

OP does use 'female' as a noun one time. The title is fine, the othering in the main post is not

I'd be more of a people pleaser with females to quote. This is the problem sentence. And it IS a problem.

Comprehension seems to be an issue with recent posters

Condescension seems to be an issue with some posters.

Stop de-railing the OP's thread with all this "othering" shit. She used the perfectly acceptable noun "female" not cervix-havers.

You've been burnt in the past and are understandably wary. Maybe you are giving this vibe out to women subconsciously now. But there are nice women out there, as well as not nice men. Try to appraise everyone as individuals rather than as a gender.

And ffs stop with the nit picking over the choice of one word posters!!!

It’s not nitpicking. It’s actually trying to help the OP by pointing out her attitude to other women and how that might not be helping with her interactions with them.

OP, your post reads like you just don’t like women, which then follows to not having friendships with them. You can’t expect them to like you if you don’t like them.

You dismiss all of your colleagues with the fact that a lot of them are competitive and so don’t want to be friends. What about the ones that aren’t competitive, how about trying to be friends with them?

I think you're suffering from Not Like Other Girls Syndrome. It's okay, we all go through it and mostly grow out of it.

Just googled Not Like Other Girls syndrome and found this

@BrexitLetsCalltheWholeThingoff

It is actually a derogatory term when used in this context as explained well by @Damntheman above.

The patriarchy has told you that other women are bitchy/ only into ‘girly’ things/ see you as competition. That’s all a lie. And sadly it’s been compounded by your experiences when you were younger - but that’s not all girls, that was just those girls. I think you’re expecting not to get on with women and your wariness is affecting the vibes you give off. Women - and men - come in all forms: some dull, some interesting, some funny, some high maintenance, some laidback, some kind, some judgemental etc etc. Not having any female friends isn’t a problem per se but I think by labelling yourself as someone who doesn’t get on with women you’re sadly denying yourself of some potentially rich and fulfilling relationships.

Women are people, just like men. What you're experiencing is internalised misogyny.

I’m early 20s and I feel the same, I always have. Never really been into makeup or bands or boys like the other girls I’ve met at school/work/uni - I always seem to get on with/talk to boys much easier. I’ve always kinda felt like there’s something about girls that I’ve never really understood even though I AM one.

Never been tested for ASD but I’ve always suspected imo.

Tinkering you'd also benefit from reading up on Not like other girls syndrome. There's actually a subreddit called r/Notlikeothergirls. I used to think I was different too. I seriously look back and cringe. Women are not all members of some secret pink sparkly, Love Island loving club. We're individuals with individual tastes.

The patriarchy has told you that other women are bitchy/ only into ‘girly’ things/ see you as competition. That’s all a lie. And sadly it’s been compounded by your experiences when you were younger - but that’s not all girls, that was just those girls. I think you’re expecting not to get on with women and your wariness is affecting the vibes you give off.

I'm sorry but I think people are making assumptions here that may just not be true.

As I said upthread, most of my friends were boys when I was a teen. I tried to make friends with the girls - and we got on, there was no animosity between me and the girls in my class. We just didn't like doing the same things. I had no interest in sitting around chatting about make up or boy bands. I didn't like either. I loved hanging out with the boys because we did exciting stuff and the friendships were less complicated. They were, this wasn't me prejudging them.

Eventually, through extended friendship groups through my male friends, I met some women like me, who liked the music I love and were up for having an adventure. We became firm friends, and they're still my closest friends today.

But was lucky to meet them. Almost all the women at my job, in my 20s, went on about weddings and buying houses all the time. (Both things I wanted to do, but have zero interest in talking about). Again we there was no animosity, they were nice enough - we just had fuck all in common. There was one woman there who wasn't into this stuff who I made friends with.

If the OP is in a fairly mainstream place, and there aren't many people at her work, she might find that she's different to the women she meets there. That's not her prejudging them, that's just what it's like to not be interested in the stuff the majority are. And if she's interested in geeky stuff, then she'll likely have more in common with the men, who are encouraged to like geeky things from a young age.

All this stuff about it must be the OP's fault is pissing me off tbh.

Why can't it be, she just hasn't found her tribe yet? That's what it was for me.

I suspect the issue is exactly that she hasn't met her tribe yet. I think a lot of the problems PP are having here is that she's writing off an entire gender based on the behaviours of a select few while attributing to that gender one particular set of interests and behaviours. That isn't fair and she may well be limiting her own options by having the impression that all women are exactly the same instead of keeping an open mind for finding those she will click well with.

It's not a gender issue at all, it's a personality issue - but OP is putting it all on gender - or so it reads to me at least.

It's not a gender issue at all, it's a personality issue - but OP is putting it all on gender - or so it reads to me at least

But I would have said exactly the same as the OP when I was in my teens. But it wasn't my personality, it was circumstance, that's clear with hindsight. Why can't you understand this is possible?

I wasn't making assumptions about women. I was just unlucky in that what I was interested in in wasn't the same as mainstream society encouraged girls/women to be interested in, and that it took me ages to meet other women like me.

For me, it was possibly due to being brought up by a feminist, ASD mother? I dunno, just a thought - but I was never really socialised into femininity, I was actively discouraged from a lot of it. I'm guessing many of my contemporaries were socialised into societal norms for girls that I wasn't eg ballet lessons, dolls, being told they were pretty all the time (adults do this to girls without even realising! But I looked like a boy). make up, etc. Consequently we didn't have much in common.

It wasn't because I was making assumptions, it was just the way it was.

Oh hang on a minute, Damntheman , I think I might have misread your post slightly!

I think we agree more than I realised!

Yes, I agree it's not that the OP can't get on with all women, it's just she's been unlucky that she's not met women she can get on with easily, so far.

@100percentplease

Why do you ask? Not my thread I know but I’m intrigued as I have the same issue as OP

An emotionally engulfing/parentifying mother - especially one who vents to the child about "untrustworthy women", possibly to isolate the child to be a long term emotional carer to the mother - could create anxiety in a child (and eventually the grown woman) about trusting other women.

Thank you very much to the posters who offered helpful advice.

The whole getting offended at the word "female" is so odd.. even official forms often state gender: male or female. I use the term to denote girls and women (rather than always writing "girls and women") and obviously, I don't refer to them as "females" in conversation.. I use their names, just like any normal person would :/

Regarding relationship with my mother, I'd say we're fine - probably too close even in the regard that I speak to her on the phone for up to 3 hours per day and she knows everything about me (even stuff people usually don't tell their parents...!)

Not sure about the Asperger stuff - I guess it could be slightly possible that I have a very mild form of it in that women pick up on more so than men would. Although, worryingly, I've always believed myself to have high functioning mild borderline personality disorder rather than aspergers but I guess being on the mild, high functioning side of multiple disorders is possible.

I've come across a lot perhaps stating it's because I'm people pleaser-y so may come across less genuine?

I definitely do know I'm very much a people pleaser when talking to females but I'm very outspoken, have a lot of banter, say exactly what I think etc. when around males so I guess that could be onto something?

Oh, and I've never met a toddler girl who is into cars or trains

How odd. Cars and trains are fun for toddlers. I loved playing with my fisher price garage as a child, and my DD spent ages playing with her train set, over several years.

Girls mostly don't play with this stuff if no one encourages them, though, I guess.

Some of the women you’d get on really well with might well be in exclusively male-female friendships too.

Also, why just because someone prefers male friends is it a sign of Aspergers? Why does everything have to have a bloody label rather than just being someone's personality.

It's typical mumsnet, Aspergers and narcissistic personality disorder seems to be the answer for everything on here.
A man is a jerk? Oh, he might have Aspergers. Trouble making friends? Aspergers. A person is rude in some way. You've guessed it, someone has to say they might have Aspergers.

Oh, and to the OP, there's no such thing as "mild high functioning Aspergers." Either a person meets the criteria for what's now called ASD or they don't. If a person has difficulties in the triad of impairments and they cause significant difficulties in every day life then they are autistic, end of. There's no such thing as mild Aspergers or autism.

Oh, and I've never met a toddler girl who is into cars or trains.

Is that a serious comment? Well you've obviously never met an autistic toddler girl who (as autistic children often do) adores Thomas the Tank then. Not stereotyping on my part by the way, I know not all autistic kids like trains. Just speaking from experience.

Is it groups of girls which are the problem perhaps? I never got on well with these groups either at school or university. It has become easier getting to know people more individually. Finding the school mums groups hard as well. The men I know do not seem to group up as much. They are quite geeky though. I know others who do, but more often over a shared hobby. I don't like 'cliques'.

My female toddler is VERY into cars and trains. Eyeroll for that stupid comment..

OP I can see that your mixing of female/male women/men seems to be out of ignorance rather than an effort to offend. So to try to be helpful, the word 'female' is an adjective. "She was a female train driver" "The female teacher helped me across the road", woman is a noun "The woman helped me across the road" "The train driver was a woman".

You are using them all wrong. "I definitely do know I'm very much a people pleaser when talking to females but I'm very outspoken, have a lot of banter, say exactly what I think etc. when around males so I guess that could be onto something?"

You're using the adjective here instead of the noun, and that is unfortunately placing you in with incels who use the word this way to dehumanise women and push them down. You should be using women and men in that sentence.

"I definitely do know I'm very much a people pleaser when talking to WOMEN but I'm very outspoken, have a lot of banter, say exactly what I think etc. when around MEN so I guess that could be onto something?"