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Original poster

Is it weird to have NO female friends?

65 replies

Loka123 · 27/05/2019 12:11

I'm a bit of a nerdy type and probably labelled as a very smiley, people pleaser.

I've generally found it easier to befriend guys (at school, high school, sixth form, uni, work etc.) but with girls, there's always.. this invisible wall.. (as I've generally been rejected by girls in the past e.g. bullied at school, left out in social groups) it became a self fulfilling prophecy in that I'd never make a huge effort to approach them as I'd always been sorely rejected by them in the past (stuff from childhood really sticks around)

Even when I was uncomfortable talking with girls, it wasn't in a horrible way - if anything, I'd be more of a people pleaser with females, put up with them being unreasonable, etc. more than I would if it was a guy as I felt I needn't to tread carefully and one small bit of me seeming even vaguely hostile might mean I get cut off).

Now I'm mid-20s and have become a bit more comfortable talking with girls at work etc but still, it just feels like a formality on their end - we talk at work (small talk, etc.) and that's it and if anything, it's quite clear that a lot of them are competitive at work so inwardly, aren't genuinely wanting to be proper friends. It's obvious they want to finish the convo and not extend it further (from eye contact etc. or they'll just excuse themselves and go).

With guys, it feels easy, natural (they never look like they wanna get away) and so every social activity I do (holidays, outings etc are always with male friends) which does get me down sometimes like I'm missing something that all other girls seem to have :(

OP posts:

Damntheman · 05/06/2019 11:08

Also to address the problem at hand - I am also a direct and outspoken woman. Some people (men AND women) don't like that.

In conclusion OP you simply haven't found your tribe yet. You likely will, if you leave yourself open to the option. Men and women are not all the same, each person is very different and you will find people of all genders who resonate with you. Good luck :)

BattenburgIsland · 05/06/2019 11:15

I'm a very girly girl to look at and in some interests I have, but I have far more men friends than female... if im totally honest it's because of the style of friendship I like. I just want undemanding jokey interaction. I dont want a serious emotional bond from friendships. I have some female friends who are similar to me and also only want occasional interaction... but for the most part in the past I've found friendships with women to be too intense. And so I dont tend to make them because I know I cant live up to them. I dont like large amounts of interaction either. I dont gave a phone and I wouldn't like to communicate with someone every day... I have found that a lot of women expect a high level of communication in a friendship or they think you dont like them... whereas men are happy to just chat to you every once in a while and they'd still consider you a friend.
Obviously this is a massive generalisation and not all men and women behave the same. As I've said I do have a few female friends who I've been friends with for a decade, who dont mind slightly less intense, emotional friendships. It's just generally it tends to be men I form friendship bonds with.

Damntheman · 05/06/2019 11:24

That IS a massive generalisation and has far more to do with the personalities you've encountered than their gender Battenburg. 98% of my female friendships are how you describe that you prefer. I have a lot of friends as well so it's not just a small number of women who are as you prefer.

These friendship preferences and personality traits have nothing to do with gender! I've known men who talk every day for HOURS at a time (straight men too, before that stereotype gets thrown out) and expect full on emotional commitment from their friendships. These sweeping inaccurate statements drive me absolutely batty, they're so damaging to the feminist cause.

MephistophelesApprentice · 05/06/2019 11:31

I (a man) used to have far more women friends than men friends. I found most of the men I met were in to things I simply wasn't. Recently the ratio shifted after I found a Dungeon's and Dragons group, and now most of my friends have beards, glasses and facial hair.

As others have said, you'd probably find it easier to meet people who share your interests as individuals rather than groups.

And ignore the bullies so desperate for you to be trapped in a gender role that they label anyone breaking out of it as a 'cool girl'.

Reallybadidea · 05/06/2019 11:33

I really feel for the OP. She's come on here looking for a bit of support and advice and she's been ripped into for using the wrong word. Nice.

OP can I suggest that it might be worth looking into talking this issue through in therapy. It could be that your experiences in the past are affecting you in a way that it's difficult to appreciate until you start exploring it in a safe environment. You sound lovely BTW.

BattenburgIsland · 05/06/2019 11:54

@damntheman I know but that's just how its panned out for me. Like I said I do have a few female friends. And I dont actively avoid women or anything, I dont count them out as potential friends at all.... I think it's more the other way round.. that in general women have seemed not to be interested in the more casual friendship I have to offer and so dont really bond with me or consider me a friend. Whereas more men dont mind at all and would still say I was their friend. It's obviously NOT ALWAYS the case. Sometimes women are on the same page. For example I've been friends with a woman I met at a baby group for several years now and we just meet up about once a month and dont really communicate unless theres something specific to say, between those times. I really love her and I know she likes me too... so I'm not saying it doesnt ever happen...
I just do see what the OP is on about and I dont necessarily think it stems from internalized misogyny or thinking 'you arent like the other girls' Iconsider myself to be a feminist and I dont avoid friendships with women... but I do have more men friends.. and I really think that's to do with the different way men and women are taught to socialise when they are young or the expectations of their social interaction. Which is of course a bit sad that gender stereotypes are still being encouraged... but that's reality for many people and for a lot of men and women there is a very marked difference in the way they interact. I dont think its innate and I dont think men and women arent ever capable of interacting in different ways... I just do think that of your style of interaction is more in line with how men are socialised the you may end up making friends with more men than women... and its not because you dislike or think less of women

SherlockHolmesPipe · 05/06/2019 12:01

@Damntheman. Yes you are outspoken.....and also borderline arsehole

Damntheman · 05/06/2019 12:06

Borderline arsehole because I've said I can see the OP isn't being a dick and have tried to explain to them how they can avoid a similar pothole in future with a calm and reasonable explanation? Because I wished the OP well with finding their people? Sure, ok then.

SherlockHolmesPipe · 05/06/2019 12:10

Your English lesson was downright rude and patronising.

Damntheman · 05/06/2019 12:19

It was meant to be informative to a person who outright stated they hadn't understood.

Conks · 05/06/2019 12:21

I left my last job as the bitchiness was shocking. Patriarchy never told me, I experienced it. Always have with women. Much prefer the company of men

Storytell · 05/06/2019 12:26

Damn's explanation was well-intended and useful for posters who said themselves they didn't understand the difference in tone and effect between 'female' as an adjective and 'female' used as a noun to characterise adult women.

I left my last job as the bitchiness was shocking. Patriarchy never told me, I experienced it. Always have with women. Much prefer the company of men

And it hasn't occurred to you that, if you 'always' experience bitchiness from the entirety of all the women you've ever met, the common denominator is you?

Hermagsjesty · 05/06/2019 13:10

@gilbert1A I find it quite shocking that someone who claims they’ve cared for very young children would describe them as “bitchy”. It’s a horrible way to describe small children - and a deeply sexist word.

SherlockHolmesPipe · 05/06/2019 14:30

"Bitchy" a sexist word? I suppose we should only use non-binary terms. I am going to build a time machine and go back a few decades......😩

Newbie29 · 05/06/2019 16:41

It's not weird. Do what you feel comfortable and happy with and sod what everyone else thinks. Some women dont have female friends because they are threatened by them and sometimes it's because they just find the company of men much easier. I do have a lot of female friends but they are more acquaintances than friends. I am quite a solitary person and generally like my own company. I find too much time spent with women can drain me. The bitchiness and backstabbing starts and I had too much of that in my teens and twenties to be bothered with it.

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