Am I lucky? Or just average?

[IdentifyasTired]

I would like some honest/brutal answers to this as it's been bugging me for weeks.

I have a close friend who I see about once a week. We have known each other for years and years but our lives are quite different on a day to day basis. I am a SAHM, she works full time in a professional role she enjoys. We both have children. She has 3. I have 4. Both married. We own our home (small mortgage, 50% equity), they rent (cheap rent for the area).

She lately frequently mentions how lucky I am not to have to worry about childcare, splitting household tasks, juggling work and children, renting etc etc. My DH's income roughly equals their joint income and as a result my friend and I have a fairly equitable amount of household money.
Whenever she mentions how fortunate I am, I try to counter that she too is fortunate to have a career she enjoys and the benefits that brings (international travel etc).

I can't decide if she is being genuine and is happy for me or if her repeated remarks about my good luck are a veiled dig. It feels...pointed. I don't want to come out and ask directly as it may be completely innocent and I would hate to cause trouble between us. Except I have a sinking feeling she is becoming weary of me and my SAHM life.

So, Mumsnet. Truthfully. Am I unusually lucky in life? Or just completely average?
Should I be acknowledging some sort of privilege?

To me, that says she’s struggling. I don’t think it’s nice that she’s saying this to you, but if she’s been a good friend up to now, I’d be worried more than angry.

Pretty average, I'd say. But if you find being a SAHM fulfilling, that is lucky imo.

I think if you can afford 4 children and not work then yes that's pretty lucky. It sounds as if she has to work rather than wants to? That may explain the comments.

I think it’s about choice. DH and I are lucky, we have a good income, but only because I work. I don’t think I’d want to be a SAHM, but frankly it’s not an option anyway.

I think being lucky is having options in life. 3 children and a nice lifestyle is a choose, but I imagine sometimes it doesn’t feel like that.

I had wondered if she was struggling but she really seems to love her work. Takes every opportunity she can for travel, networking, development. I wonder if she is beginning to find me dull...

I would be surprised if that was the case purely based on the 'lucky' comments. Has she said anything else to make you think that?

For you, you are lucky. If I were a SAHM (which I did for 4 years) I wouldn't be. The fact that she feels you're lucky is telling. It sounds like she is very stressed. You don't have her stresses and she can see that, so she feels you are lucky. Don't say anything it would be callous. It sounds like she's struggling.

I think having a house is fortunate rather than renting. At some stage did they have a choice?
Sahm is less stressful for the family but it has downsides as well, including investing in your future or being financially independent on dh. I have had the high flying career, big income and stress of balancing home, then sahm and now working fulltime in less stressful job. I think I have the balance mostly ok now and couldnt go back to stressy job, i would like a few hours more to myself but I am also a single parent so that adds workload (but is also satisfying in it's own way).

I don't think she is unfortunate but might be in a stressy time of life due to DC ages.
When she says it I would remind her she has choices as we all do.

Just saw your other post, maybe she does find your SAHM life dull then? Maybe it's her putting a positive spin on something which she feels is mediocre- instead of just keeping her mouth shut.

The 'dull' may be my own insecurity talking as her life is much busier than mine. Sometimes it seems frenetic. I doubt I could do what she does with the enthusiasm she has. I have begun to question whether she thinks this also and finds my lack of ambition disappointing in some way. Or boring. Sometimes there is a note of condescension when we talk about my life. It didn't used to be like that. There has been a shift.

Having a DH who earns as much as a professional salary plus another salary is above average, I'd say? Especially if it means you are able to make the choice to SAHM (meaning presumably if you decided to work you would earn more as a family) and you have mortgaged property. And in that sense yes you are lucky/privileged. But that doesn't mean you owe her something.

When she mentions how lucky I am she will occasionally throw in a stat about how almost no women are SAHM anymore and how we are a shrinking subset of the population.

Her job sounds pretty well paid? If your husband makes double that then yes you sound very lucky.

My DH's income is above average but not wildly so. And we live in a pretty modest house. We are not wealthy. Comfortable but definitely not wealthy.

Am I unusually lucky in life? Or just completely average?
Should I be acknowledging some sort of privilege?

In life generally, probably not.

But compared to your friend:

You own your house with small outgoings. She is renting, with no view to being rent/mortgage free anytime soon.
You don’t work, yet your household income is the same.

She may have a “career she enjoys”, but she may not have a choice to not work like you do. Both parents working full time does often mean juggling the childcare, housework etc. Renting means retirement is probably off the cards until 67 or whatever the age is you get your pension now.

Put yourself in her shoes. You do sound “luckier”.

I have a job I enjoy. It’s still much harder than when I was a SAHM as we have to do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping around work. Nobody does it while we’re out the house. But financially we both have to work. If one of us earned our current combined income we’d consider ourselves very fortunate.

I read it as one of 2 things 1) she is feeling the need to overcompensate, does she say it after she's shared an exciting international travel trip for example? Or 2) she genuinely thinks you're lucky, does she say it after she's had a stressful day?

Context is everything.

All that matters is what you think, being a SAHP is my idea of hell, others would kill for the position to be able to do so. Only your own feelings matter.

She's probably a bit envious of your sahm lifestyle. I work full time and lately have been looking enviously at all the sahm at school drop off - I'm always stressed and thinking about what meetings/hassles I've got to rush to get to and they are usually in their exercise gear having chats etc - I can't deny recently I've wished it was me.

They do choose to rent despite having good savings as they are not sure where they want to buy yet. So I have never perceived the renting as something she feels unhappy about. She alwaus serms very content with her life which is why I find the repetitive 'lucky' talk odd. She's lucky in some ways. I'm lucky in other ways. It seems pretty equitable to me.

I think part of the problem is its very hard for mums to feel they're getting it 'right' without feeling judged in some way or the other. Society seems to judge mothers a lot harsher than fathers... No matter whether you stay at home or work outside the home, there seems to be an element of guilt (wrongly so) attached to either choice.

Maybe she does love her job...its not mutually exclusive from feeling guilty about not being able to be a stay at home mum. And vice versa there's probably plenty of stay at home mums who feel like they should have a career and set an example in the world of work.

I suspect she isn't meaning it in a nasty way. And I think you're probably dealing with it in the right way, reassuring her that she too is lucky.

I think a genuine choice about whether to return to work, or be a SAHM is a massive luxury. There are many families where either returning to work is impossible due to childcare costs, or returning to work is essential, to provide a meagre amount of extra money into the family pot after childcare.

If their joint income us equal-ish to your DHs income, you will be significantly better off each month, as childcare costs are crippling.

Their childcare costs are minimal as theor little one goes 30 hours a week which I believe is subsidised? The others are at school. Maybe the costs are a lot higher than I realise. Maybe they are struggling.

@SunshineSpring I guess it depends how old the kids are and what the wages are like, if he's a higher earner he'll be paying more in tax than 2 incomes equaling the same amount. I had a friend make a comment about our money as we appeared to have much more disposable income than them despite her DH being 3 ranks higher on a high salary, but we worked out our wages combined still brought in more due to tax, getting child benefit (plus they had an extra kid which makes a big difference, and I guess this is true here too).

Part of DH's earnings is taxed at 40% and we don't qualify for benefits or tax credits etc. Whereas I believe they do. Although I couldn't say for certain.

30 hrs a week still leaves aprox 20 hrs to be paid for - your 40 hrs of work, plus an hour commuting each way - and it's more like 24hrs if you average it out over a year (term time only).
The older kids will likely need before school, after school, and holiday care.
It can add up suprisingly fast.

Agree with newjobnerves that we have to hear it in context. It’s impossible to know how she really feels. If you feel lucky and happy with your life that’s what’s important.