Am I lucky? Or just average?

[IdentifyasTired]

I would like some honest/brutal answers to this as it's been bugging me for weeks.

I have a close friend who I see about once a week. We have known each other for years and years but our lives are quite different on a day to day basis. I am a SAHM, she works full time in a professional role she enjoys. We both have children. She has 3. I have 4. Both married. We own our home (small mortgage, 50% equity), they rent (cheap rent for the area).

She lately frequently mentions how lucky I am not to have to worry about childcare, splitting household tasks, juggling work and children, renting etc etc. My DH's income roughly equals their joint income and as a result my friend and I have a fairly equitable amount of household money.
Whenever she mentions how fortunate I am, I try to counter that she too is fortunate to have a career she enjoys and the benefits that brings (international travel etc).

I can't decide if she is being genuine and is happy for me or if her repeated remarks about my good luck are a veiled dig. It feels...pointed. I don't want to come out and ask directly as it may be completely innocent and I would hate to cause trouble between us. Except I have a sinking feeling she is becoming weary of me and my SAHM life.

So, Mumsnet. Truthfully. Am I unusually lucky in life? Or just completely average?
Should I be acknowledging some sort of privilege?

If she travels for work it must be a bit of a nightmare working out childcare for 3 kids. I don't mind paying for childcare, now they're school age the cost doesn't really matter, but it's the figuring out who's going where and the logistics of drop off and pick up plus the kids themselves having an opinion on where they want to go... Maybe she's a bit sick of it? No point taking it out on you tho, unless she's hoping you'll become her childminder!

It’s all about your own perspective. You are, by any measure, fortunate to have the choice to be a SAHM as from what I can gather, fewer people have that choice without having to struggle financially.

But you are only “lucky” if you have the choice to do something you want to do.

I am a working mum and it does come with a full dollop of guilt. I was happy not to be a SAHM when DD was little as for a number of reasons, nursery was the better option for her. We had access to therapies for her disability we wouldn’t have had otherwise. Plus, I struggled with a lot of the day to day stuff when she was a toddler (mostly because she didn’t “toddle” 🙂)

Now she is at school, I’d actually like to be here after school and to be able to do more school stuff. Instead I get home half an hour before her bedtime. That sucks. So, by that yardstick, yeah, you’re lucky. And I also love my job and my career too!

I actually do childmind a bit for her if she has something big coming up. Did it everyday 9am-6pm for a week during Autumn half term last year. I am happy to help and support her. I think its great that she loves her job.

I thought we were very much in it together. Both had kids around the same times. Both figuring it all out together. Maybe SAHM and WOHM are just too incompatable to maintain that camaraderie?

@IdentifyasTired well you're getting a bit dramatic now, you've come to that conclusion based on her saying you're lucky a few times?

Ok. A bit dramatic. But y'know when something shifts in a relationship/friendship and you sense the other person sees you differently to how they used to? That's what I sense here.
Anyway. I do appreciate all the responses. I realise this is a pretty dull problem. Well, for MN anyway!

You sound a little like my very good old friend. I am the one that works she stays at home. Each time I see her I feel so jealous. Thats a dreadful thing to admit as shes someone I have known for years and care so much about.

They are better off than my husband and I as well. I enjoy my job but worry about the impact being a working parent has on my children. And of course just wish I had more time.

I still adore my friend but I had to visit a little less for a while when i was struggling because every time I did I felt worse about myself.

Over the years its improved and we are still very close.

I'm sorry to read that saywhen. That is sad. Although positive that it did ease over the years.

She lately frequently mentions how lucky I am not to have to worry about childcare, splitting household tasks, juggling work and children, renting etc etc.

This is why she thinks you are lucky and I agree with her. I was a SAHM for a long time. I never had to worry about all the things your friend has mentioned. So in that respect you are very lucky, I always thought of myself as lucky too when I compared myself to friends who seemed much more stressed than me. However I’m now older, dc have left home, I’ve now got a job I love and wished I’d done it years ago.

To me you are not that lucky. I’ve had a professional career my whole life. Earn more than dh. Have a great pension scheme. Multiple qualifications and raised two kids. If he buggers off you are basically vulnerable.

Decormad38. Glad for you that life has worked out as you planned. 👍

@IdentifyasTired surely that shift would have happened a long time ago if most of her kids are already at school? I'm reading this post as a stealth brag rather than a true evaluation of your friendship.

Nope. This is a recent shift. The last 6 months or so it's become much more noticeable.
If you think this is a stealth brag, I'm not sure what to say. As I have said, we don't live a particularly enviable lifestyle. No Instagram style perfection here. No flash cars or holidays, modest house. We look very ordinary.

@IdentifyasTired well you should ask your friend if she is ok, if she's suddenly showing uncharacteristic behaviours. We can't tell you what's going on in her mind.

Do you think she would really like a fourth child but knows they couldn't really afford it ?

Possibly shecwould like a 4th. She says she is open to more. I possibly will just ask outright if everything is alright and risk insulting her.

I think just let it wash over you if she’s otherwise a nice friend.

FWIW our home and financial situation sounds very very similar to yours. My best friend is in a bit of a financial disaster at the moment - through no fault of her own. She does not grudge me my life and nor would I hers if the situations were reversed. I have a friend who does not work and nor does her husband - they’re in their 30s with 3 kids and I can only presume they got an ENORMOUS inheritance somewhere down the line or have parents bankrolling them? Anyways some of our mutual friends can be really quite mean and envious. I honestly do not care. It has no impact on my life, although I do sometimes think more time with dh would be nice especially for the kids but that’s it really

Childcare costs aren't necessarily minimal even in a funded setting. We qualified for it but still paid £200 a week for one child in nursery 4 days a week. Plus £45 for another child in wraparound 3.5 days.
Maybe it's just me, but I'd find it quite irritating if someone who's husband could afford to comfortably support 6 people on one wage and doesn't work themselves reassured me I was lucky too when I'm run ragged trying to juggle everything. Maybe she just wants you to hear what she's saying and acknowledge your privilege.

Yes, you are lucky in the sense your DH can earn to enable you to choose to be a SAHM. But Im sure he worked hard to get where he has and youve chosen not to work, and earn more, to be with your children. I doubt you will ever regret that whereas a lot of us wish we had had those choices.

Its the choice of the word lucky. You can view it not as luck but hard work (hubbys job position) and choice lower income (you not working) but equally it could be lucky in that many very worthy jobs might not pay what your husbands does however hard someone works, or he could have been born with a particular talent or high intelligence, thats mainly luck too.

If your dh earns as much as both her and her dh then yes you are lucky.I
I don't think it's nice of her to make comments though.
Some people are lucky and sail through life, others arent.

I WOHM and have friends who are SAHM. We often end up laughing together & commenting that the grass is always greener. They envy me part of my life; I envy them part of theirs. For various reasons (partly due to our own psychologies & what we want to do in life), none of us will change.
What I am not sure a full time SAHM will ever appreciate is the underlying stress of having to rely on childcare and knowing it can fall through a t a moment's notice. Or that your child might be ill when you have an important meeting. I feel as though my life depends a lot on other people's goodwill - my boss', my colleagues', my assortment of childcare providers' and the aforementioned friends. And then there's the cost - two school age children and it's £500+ a month plus another £150+ for the extra-curricular activities they do which are essentially for childcare purposes.

I get it. I also have a (stressful, busy) job I love, which has real-world impact on lots of people. It doesn't pay very well.

But I wish I could split myself in two and have one person do the important career stuff, and the other quit to take care of the kids. If anything it's so much worse since school started because there is so much extra admin that comes with school. Nursery was easy and straightforward and it's a pity I didn't appreciate that at the time! Packed lunches for a school trip, dress up for this, wear something blue for that, own clothes day, Forest school clothes day, sports club clothes day, bring in a pound, sell these raffle tickets, do this homework with your child, and juggle the sick days and the winter flu jabs and the haircuts and dental checkups and shit, the school shoes are falling apart with six weeks left in the school year and we are just too busy to get to Clark's for three weeks. I've got the Naughty Sticker in the reading record a few times now (for not recording any reading in a week). Not to mention that I get a (generous) 5 weeks' hols a year but my children get 13 weeks to be covered, and no family support as they live abroad. If you are helping out your friend, I'm assuming she also has no family nearby to do it.

I live in an area where most mums don't work, and I love and cannot give up my career, but I'm seriously feeling the strain. Your friend's situation sounds so familiar to me. It is very stressful. The double day takes its toll, especially when you go through a period where work is even more demanding. Is your friend working in the public sector, OP? There's a lot asked of us at the moment, and we won't see a corresponding pay increase. Definitely very hard going right now.

Please be kind. You are lucky to have the life you want. So is she, though, and when the stress lifts a bit, she will see that too.

It does sound a bit stealth boasty and actually you're not having the same experiences, as pp have mentioned even something as simple as childcare finding/time off work for holidays, sickness school meetings, appointments is a stress you won't have.

I get it. I also have a (stressful, busy) job I love, which has real-world impact on lots of people. It doesn't pay very well for the kind of responsibilities I have.

But I wish I could split myself in two and have one person do the important career stuff, and the other quit to take care of the kids. If anything it's so much worse since school started because there is so much extra admin that comes with school. Nursery was easy and straightforward and it's a pity I didn't appreciate that at the time! Now every day it's packed lunches for a school trip, dress up for this, wear something blue for that, own clothes day, Forest school clothes day, sports club clothes day, bring in a pound, sell these raffle tickets, do this homework with your child, and juggle the sick days and the winter flu jabs and the haircuts and dental checkups and shit, the school shoes are falling apart with six weeks left in the school year and we are just too busy to get to Clark's for three weeks. I've got the Naughty Sticker in the reading record a few times now (for not recording any reading in a week). Not to mention that I get a (generous) 5 weeks' hols a year but my children get 13 weeks to be covered, and no family support as they live abroad. If you are helping out your friend, I'm assuming she also has no family nearby to do it.

I live in an area where most mums don't work, and I love and cannot give up my career, but I'm seriously feeling the strain. Your friend's situation sounds so familiar to me. It is very stressful. The double day takes its toll, especially when you go through a period where work is even more demanding. Is your friend working in the public sector, OP? There's a lot being asked of us at the moment, and we won't see a corresponding pay increase. Definitely very hard going right now.

Please be kind. You are lucky to have the life you want. So is she, though, and when the stress lifts a bit, she will see that too. It will be a bit easier when the little one is in school - I'm finding between childminder and school it is yet another level of admin for pickups and drop offs every day too.

Well and what Phillip said!