I’m exhausted and just need to rant

[TiredTiredAndADashOfMoreTired]

I honestly don’t even know if my feelings are justified, or if I’m being hormonal or what. But I just wanted to jot this down and get it out somewhere so I can feel a bit better (hopefully!).

We have a 2 year old, a one year old and I'm 6 months pregnant. DH has been away on a stag do since Friday morning and isn’t due back til Monday evening.

I’m absolutely shattered. Our kids have never slept well, but the change in routine has mucked up their bedtime and it’s taking ages for them to settle in the evening, our youngest DC is waking up multiple times and not going to back to sleep for hours on end, then they’re both awake and starting their days at 5am.
I’m so irritable and keep crying which I know is likely down to being 6 months pregnant, but I’m just sat here (probably irrationally) angry at DH for going away for four days straight and having a lovely break when it’s me who’s been the stay at home parent for 2 and a half years and have probably had less than 4 nights out in that whole time.

I know I’ll likely get people saying ‘you can have a break away later in the year’ or whatever, but, can I just have a moment to be quietly annoyed that he’s drinking, bowling, playing pool, relaxing, having lay ins whilst I’m stuck here with a demanding toddler and a clingy baby that never leaves me alone, doing the same shit I’ve been doing day in, day out for over 2 years?

I just feel maxed out. Aaaaaaand breathe.

Anyone?

Outrageous of him to go away imo.

When's he back, put your feet up and let him deal with kids and house. He owes you big time!

4 days is too long , is he back at work on Tuesday ?

He'll likely be back after I've done the kids dinner and got them in to bed anyway, so not much help will be received anyway!

He'll be back at work Tuesday yeah. I think that's why I'm so miffed. I did my usual Monday-Friday with the kids last week, will have done Friday-Monday completely solo, then Tuesday through to the Friday next week it'll be back to me being with the kids and him being home from work for an hour before the kids go to bed.

I'm so tired and feeling so sorry for myself.
I know work is no party and everyone deserves a break no matter what they do, but I can't help thinking that the lovely picturesque walk through a gorgeous park with sea views down to the train station each morning is more than I get! He can throw his earphones in, listen to music, catch up on Netflix shows whilst on the train every day. I know commuting isn't fun, but the only time I really get to walk anywhere with my music in and call it a 'break' is when I quickly pop to Aldi of an evening to pick up milk

If we only had the one kid, I wouldn't mind four days away (actually I probably would!), but the combination of two kids under 3 and being pregnant is knocking me for six and making me so mad.

And sorry, just to add to my frustration, none of the other blokes that have gone on the stag have the same kind of commitments at home that my DH does. They're either single, engaged or in relationships, but my DH is the only one with DC's so him going away for four days is so much trickier than those without.

I don't want to be mad at him, because ultimately he wasn't the one that planned the length of the trip, but I'm definitely going to sit him down and ask him not to go away for so long in the future, at least until our DC's are older and homelife isn't quite so manic

I'd speak to him about how exhausted you are and with 2 little ones so young and being pregnant, it isn't any wonder.

In what ways can he help you? Be sure to be clear on this with him; ie housework, cooking etc and you should absolutely be getting a lie in or early night.

Have you got family/friends nearby that could give you a break for a few hours even to go for a nap or stroll by yourself?

I am planning on sending him a message when he's in the car on the way back - journey will be over two hours so it'll give him something to read/think about before he gets in.

I don't think he fully thought about just how much he was asking of me. I need to make it clear that long weekends while our kids are so small (and me never getting a break) isn't okay right now.

I'm not exactly in your situation, op, but I empathise. I have a one year old and a two year old. I'd love a third but dh is away two weekends a month plus his studying Monday to Friday every week.

It really is bloody tough holding the fort. He definitely needs to give you some evenings and weekends off when he gets back. Is this something he is willing and able to do?

Did he ask whether it would be ok to go and leave you with the kids all weekend, or did he just tell you he was going?

If the former, I suppose it's too late now but you know for next time that it's too much to be away for that long.

If the later I'd be giving him a serious talking to when he gets home!

I think you're doing extremely well managing as you are, my DH is on a stag do next weekend and I've got a 22 month old and a 6 week old. He's just going for 1 night instead of 2 to make it easier for me, so I think your DH is seriously pushing his luck going for so long. I was exhausted when I was pregnant with a toddler, so I can't imagine how you're feeling with both of yours.

I think lots of men think they have to go along with the crowd, even when they might have different circumstances to the rest of the group. My DH used to be a bit like this but since we've had children I've learnt to put my foot down a bit. He still has plenty of social time, I've just learnt not to feel bad when enough's enough and I need him around. He's hopping in the train to come home early next weekend, they can usually get around the logistics if they have to.

Good luck for the rest of your weekend, I really feel for you. I suppose all you can do is take it as easy as possible, simple meals, plenty of Ceebeebies, skip bath time if you can get away with it, they'll live. Then plenty of tea/chocolate/trashy telly for you when you hopefully get the chance

*latter

I’ll be honest and say this is why most people don’t have 3 under 3. I think it is kind of odd to make that sort of choice and then complain how tired you are. You say they have never slept well, but you decided to have another child anyway?

@DonutCone, that wasn't called for.

We're allowed to be tired. The OP is a touch annoyed and definitely knackered because her partner is away for a few days on a stag do leaving her with 2 small children whilst being pregnant.

She didn't ask if she should of been having another child! The partner will then arrive back when all is done and has plenty of leisure time. The partner has to work and makes it home for the last hour before bed. The OP is tired from all of this.

Not once did she ask was she unreasonable for having another child.

@DonutCone
I agree with this. It sucks to say but it is why people don’t have kids so close together.

But the thing is @DonutCone I believe there are things you simply can't do anymore when you have young DC's, and going away for four days is one of them.
I didn't ask to be scolded for our choice of having children close in age. My children could have been fantastic sleepers and frankly I'd still likely be pissed that he's buggered off for half a week.

A full day out with an over night stay, coming home the following afternoon would've been absolutely fine, but four days is starting to feel excessive.

It is shit tired. He does need to know how lucky he is to be able to escape it all as frankly it'll be a while before you have that option. Make sure he's helping out as much as possible at home once he's back and if he's tired from work whatever, he won't possibly be as tired as you from the demands of coping with being pregnant and 2 infants. He owes you big time.

Yes, but it is 4 days, not 4 months. It wouldn’t be anywhere near as of a big deal if you weren’t already pregnant when your eldest is only 2.

That is why people normally have bigger gaps, so they can manage for 4 days if they need to on their own. I have 3dc, but there are 3 years between each of them rather than all of them within 3 years. I made that choice because DH works away and I needed to be able to cope alone.

donutcop is quite right. I hesitated to say that myself, because it can be cruel to state the obvious - but I left nearly 6 years between my two because I didn't think I could cope.

Except OP's husband doesn't work away, he's just gone on a stag do. It was shitty of him to leave you at home exhausted and pregnant. You can't exactly shove the children back in can you, they're here now, and they're his responsibility as much as yours.

@itsnotallbbqsandshrimp

So DH isn’t allowed to attend a stag do? As long as this isn’t a regular thing, he should be allowed to enjoy his life and socialise with his friends.

Nope, not for 4 days when she's struggling and exhausted. Sometimes you make sacrifices when you have small children.

Well, soon she's going to have three under 3's, so let's hope she can get DH pulling his weight before then! OP, have you not got any family nearby who can help,?

My mum helps out as and when she can, but typically she's away this weekend too and she's usually the one I can rely on to pop in as she doesn't live far from us at all.

It likely wont be the last stag holiday (at 4 days duration these are no longer a "do" in my book!) given the description of the group.

Just as a side question -
Would you expect your DH's to text occasionally to see (mainly) how the kids are doing?
I would've thought DH would've sent one or two unprompted messages to see how they are/generally check in, but I guess he's gotten caught up in everything and forgotten.

I know if I went away, I'd probably send a message in the morning, and one more in the evening once I knew the kids were in bed to see how his day was. Not sure if a couple texts are asking too much though?

@sincethereis exactly. It’s 4 days. I don’t think anyone should have so many children that they couldn’t cope for 4 days. It clearly doesn’t happen every day. I doubt it’s the stag do of a total stranger either.

It would be like adopting 7 cats at once and then complaining about the amount of cat hair. You make your choices. No one needs to have 3 children that close together- it is a decision you make based on the fact, surely, that both of you will occasionally leave the house during the next 18 years.