I’m exhausted and just need to rant

[TiredTiredAndADashOfMoreTired]

I honestly don’t even know if my feelings are justified, or if I’m being hormonal or what. But I just wanted to jot this down and get it out somewhere so I can feel a bit better (hopefully!).

We have a 2 year old, a one year old and I'm 6 months pregnant. DH has been away on a stag do since Friday morning and isn’t due back til Monday evening.

I’m absolutely shattered. Our kids have never slept well, but the change in routine has mucked up their bedtime and it’s taking ages for them to settle in the evening, our youngest DC is waking up multiple times and not going to back to sleep for hours on end, then they’re both awake and starting their days at 5am.
I’m so irritable and keep crying which I know is likely down to being 6 months pregnant, but I’m just sat here (probably irrationally) angry at DH for going away for four days straight and having a lovely break when it’s me who’s been the stay at home parent for 2 and a half years and have probably had less than 4 nights out in that whole time.

I know I’ll likely get people saying ‘you can have a break away later in the year’ or whatever, but, can I just have a moment to be quietly annoyed that he’s drinking, bowling, playing pool, relaxing, having lay ins whilst I’m stuck here with a demanding toddler and a clingy baby that never leaves me alone, doing the same shit I’ve been doing day in, day out for over 2 years?

I just feel maxed out. Aaaaaaand breathe.

The pair of you are always going to be tired due to your choices regarding having children so close together.

However I don't think it's unreasonable for either parent to want to go on the occasional weekend away with friends.

Having said that, pregnancy can be a knackering thing on its own.

I'm here to rant with you, OP. We recently had a baby (January) and my partner has not changed his lifestyle at all and can't seem to understand why he has to. I'm not asking him to sacrifice everything but he plays football 3 evenings a week, meaning he's out the house 7am - 8pm then showers and by the time he's settled it's 9 and the baby's having his last feed and bed? He's still going to drinks and meals and festivals without even a consideration for me or the baby. He's started a new job with more responsibility and his mind seems to be there all the time. I feel bloody lonely. Really lonely. I feel like I basically am raising my son, and he's just having a bit of play time here and there. It's pushing us apart, and whenever I have spoke up it's not helped. Like I said, ranting here too. Sorry I've no real advice, but it's comforting to have someone in a similar position I guess. Makes me feel less unreasonable

I don't know if I'm reading your posts correctly donut or perhaps I'm just taking them the wrong way due to lack of sleep, but you seem to be saying that I shouldn't be allowed to complain about how hard it is, or moan that I'm tired simply because I chose to have my children close together. Wanting small age gaps doesn't automatically mean that I won't feel exhausted like every other single human on this planet would.

I'm obviously not saying, and have never said, that he can't go out and enjoy time with his friends. But, there's a big difference between having a night out here and there to blow off some steam, and going away for four days when you have such young children and a wife that's 6 months pregnant. Not to mention the fact that he had to save up for ages to be able to afford to go on this trip, meaning we've had zero couple time this year because all of his 'spare money' was going towards this stag do.

Had it been one night away, a good old piss up, the time away would've been shorter, the cost would've been massively lower, and I wouldn't be left feeling as tired - which I AM allowed to feel.

I hesitate to say that I do agree with Donut.
OP your last message is directed to the wrong person, you should really send that message to your husband.

I dont get it. Why are you having a third one? So close in age. Sounds hellish. My son never slept so I never had anymore.

Oh I will be wall don't worry. I wasn't planning on saying anything but the more I think about it, the more I feel that something needs to be said.
I didn't want to be 'that' wife that nags after he's had some relaxing time away, but I do think that actually, my feelings are justified and whilst our children are still so young, saving up for and going away on long trips aren't viable.

I believe there are things you simply can't do anymore when you have young DC's, and going away for four days is one of them.

OP, you say this, but does your dh know this is your belief? If not why not? Because if he doesn't then it really seems you are directing a lot of vitriol towards @DonutCone for making an obvious point rather than at your dh

Why has no-one mentioned that it is also the choice of the DH to have three children, not just his wife! He also chose that and then went off for 4 days. Knowing she is struggling. Not nice.

Fairly sure that if it was the DH starting a thread saying 'AIBU to go on a stag do for 4 days while my pregnant wife looks after our two young children by herself?', there would be plenty of folks piling on to say 'stay at home you selfish prick' or 'come back after 2 days, not the full thing'.

OP I'm with you. It's not the fact he's away per se, just that your life has been radically curtailed by having young children while his doesn't seem all that different. Of course you can rant - young kids are draining and relentless, especially when they don't sleep well, and when you're pregnant too, you are likely feeling more tired than usual anyway. Having 3 children close together is a choice lots make and why shouldn't you? Doesn't mean you are not allowed to ever express any feelings of tiredness or frustration.

You do need to book something - anything - that gets you out of the house and away from the kids for a sizeable chunk of time and leave him to it. Do it before the next one comes along and you're tied even further.

Can you tell him you need a day off next weekend and take yourself off for a walk in the park and coffee and cake

Why has no-one mentioned that it is also the choice of the DH to have three children, not just his wife! He also chose that and then went off for 4 days. Knowing she is struggling. Not nice.

From my post at 15:57:00....

"The pair of you are always going to be tired due to your choices regarding having children so close together.

OP - there is no way in hell that I would have let my DH go away for 4 whole days in your circumstances. And there’s no way my DH would have done it either - not when my oldest DC was 3 and I was pregnant with number two.
I can’t believe your DH thought it was ok to leave you like this with 2 under 2 plus pregnant. That is not on. You have every right to feel totally pissed off and anyone in your situation would be completely exhausted.

But it does sound like perhaps you and DH need to have a bit of a chat about why this kind of thing needs to be put on hold until all of your kids are older and make sure that he is on the same page as you.

That is not being a ‘nag’ of a wife either - you both presumably have been involved in having these children and now you both are responsible for their and your own wellbeing.

But there is no point martyring yourself over this kind of thing either. Make your DH see that it’s just not acceptable, end of.

To all the PPs saying - but adults should be allowed to have some fun and time out with their friends etc - yeah, sorry, not to that extent and not when you have tiny DC!

I agree that if you both made the decision to have another child when you already have two none sleeping children then you’re in this together and he shouldn’t have left you on your own to cope. He doesn’t seem to have bought in to this idea though?

What was the discussion before he went away?

Nope, I should think it's perfectly obvious that YANBU and that your husband should not have gone away for so long. Jeez, stop trying to justify your feelings. No one would feel ok about this. He sounds like a shit. What are you going to do?

@EducatingArti 🕵️‍♀️

I'm one that says yes he should be able to go away. However he should be checking in with you and should be making sure you are ok!

We're in a similar situation but with slightly older two children, when he wnt on a stag do, he hid a big bag of shopping in the cupboard with lots of treat foods in. He left a just eat voucher to force me not to cook, hid comics for the kids that they'd discover a day or so in to his trip and FaceTimed each day and did bedtime stories.

I was knackered as a pretty shitty pregnancy, but I didn't really mind he was away as I felt loved, appreciated and looked after.

If he'd shown a little bit of tlc to you then you'd probably not resent it so much, as it is it sounds like he's just thought party time and gone off without a second thought!

I wouldn't be having that and I don't even have any children yet! Fine to do when you're single/couple with no kids but absolutely bang out of order when you've got 2 young ones & are pregnant!!

4 days is taking the piss.

@DonutCone having 3 kids under 3 is perfectly do able when you have a supportive & hands on partner, OP is clearly a lovely mum and has been stuck for 4 DAYS with no extra help as well as being pretty far along in pregnancy.

No need to shame people.

@TiredTiredAndADashOfMoreTired Definitely send him a text to think about, and the fact he hasn't bothered to keep in contact would worry me too. I hate stag/hen do's so tacky and rife for cheating.

Seastar girl your husband sounds amazing.
My dh has been away for 4 nights last week and it was just about manageable with 3 under 5. It’s the longest he has been away for a good while. I did get a bit of help from him mum taking the eldest for a night as well. He would not have done this without my blessing and he did check in with me twice a day. I am keeping it in the bag for when my friends start having weekends away for their big ticket birthdays in a couple of years. He would not have done it for this long at that stage of my pregnancy though.
Personally OP I would have been negotiating with him the number of days he could go away before it was booked. But he is already there now so presume it’s all paid for. If it isn’t a big cost I would be talking to him about coming home tomorrow. If that’s not a possibility I would be having serious words about his priorities going forward.

sirmione your husband sounds like an idiot on another level. He is treating you terribly. You need to sit down and talk to him about this and if he can’t see it I would seriously consider whether I want anymore kids with this man or a life with him going forward. That is no way to live in the 21st century.

@TiredTiredAndADashOfMoreTired how are you getting on? I hope you've managed to get enough rest to soldier on.

The thing with children's sleep, and actually lots of aspects of raising children, is that it changes all the time. I have 20 months between my 2 and when I got pregnant with DS2, DS1 was a fantastic sleeper and napped, placid, played by himself etc. By the time I was 8 months he was waking at night, wouldn't nap reliably and needed entertaining all the time. Things change, the OP's children might have been sleeping through by this point in her pregnancy. You just can't plan that far ahead when they are that age, so the posters saying that the OP shouldn't have got pregnant when her existing children don't sleep aren't being very helpful.

Hi all, thanks for all your replies yesterday!
It really helped seeing others agree with me that given our current circumstances, 4 days away was a bit too much and he should have taken me more in to consideration.

I will be sending him a message later on today whilst he's travelling home (I already know I'll be too tired to have a lengthy conversation in person as DC2 decided to start their day at 4.30am so I'm already knackered!), just to explain that while I am fine with him having nights out and even the odd over night stay, 3 nights isn't feasible right now - or for the foreseeable future with the pending arrival of DC3, so unfortunately, he just needs to realise that we're in this together and there needs to be a limit on the length of time away from the home.

I'm also going to mention the money aspect and that while I'm perfectly okay with him spending his own money on himself, if him saving up for almost 6 months means we can't do things together as a couple that entire time, then he needs to rethink his priorities and understand that our relationship and family should always come first and never be put on the back burner.

I just hope he can understand and see where I'm coming from, and doesn't think I'm being some unreasonable nag!

Also to add regarding my DC's sleeping habits - DC1 was basically sleeping through the night and going down in the evening with no problems when we fell pregnant with DC3... DC2 was also only having one or two night wakings but they were perfectly manageable as he'd go straight back off within 10 minutes. It's only been the last 3 odd months that things have gone a bit tits up again!

@DonutCone having 3 kids under 3 is perfectly do able when you have a supportive & hands on partner, OP is clearly a lovely mum and has been stuck for 4 DAYS with no extra help as well as being pretty far along in pregnancy.

No need to shame people.

Agreed. I hate when people do this then lecture how their choices are so much better. It's just unkind and we have no idea why the OP and her husband made the decision to have their children close together and it's really none of anyone else's business; including the 'you made your bed' crew.

OP, of course you're allowed to be tired and grumpy. I was all for DH going out if he wanted when ours were tiny, but he wouldn't even have contemplated 4 days. And yes, he should have been in contact unprompted. Hope you get some sleep soon.

His money?
Surely it is family money?
Do you have your own money OP?

Didn’t you have the conversation before he booked it though? It was always going to be tough. Telling him on the way home is a bit late?

He definitely shouldn’t be spending money on stag dos at the expense of family holidays. Again though, the moneys gone now? The time to put your foot down was before this was booked.

No I did say months ago that I was anxious about the trip and wasn't happy with the cost of it either, but I was told 'you'll be fine'
I don't think he really understood what it'd be like for me, I just need to make him aware and also point out that I won't stand for any more long trips.