Hello! I’m Clive the cheeseplant.

[CliveTheCheeseplant]

Howdy all, I’m Clive and I’m over 4 feet tall. My owner is a long time houseplant carer but because I was expensive she is paranoid about killing me. She’s wondering if anyone has any advice or tips about how much water to give etc. I have a nice bright spot by a big window. Do I need water when my soil is dry? Or only once a week.

Ps I’m typing this with my tentacle thingies that wrap around my moss stick.

Oh my sweet Jesus! My mother had one of these and it grew massive!! Right up to the ceiling. She just used to rub baby bio on the leaves and water it weekly ( I think)

I’m not sure if your practical care but on an emotional level your carer should talk to you throughout the day and if an evening place you in front of the TV and read a book to you.

Leaving the radio on for you when she goes out and having a light come on if it gets dark would be nice.

If you were female I would suggest some fairy lights on special occasions.

No idea re water, but you need a gnome friend. Or at least a ceramic snail.

Oh that's what you are!!!!!! A Monstera! You look beautiful!!
I always wondered when the word came up on books, but I never bothered to look it up.
Moderate sunlight, softish water, not too wet - they are enduring and like being ignored.

DH has four, growing massively, then he parts them into smaller plants, then they grow massively and so on. One of his has leaves 50 cm in diameter in an ordinarily sized office.

@magicbrenda ooh I like the sound of the massage! Very relaxing. Neat baby bio or diluted?

@firemanking my owner says hello to me every time she comes in the room. And admires my leaves a lot. Sometimes her child hides small cuddly toys in my leaves and I pretend to be a jungle.

Well, if you want to take over the entire room grow up big and strong, Clive, get your staff to sort out your accommodation so you aren't teetering on the windowsill in the hot sunlight; you need to be further back, preferably on the floor in front of a wall where you can still get some light and scaffolding can be provided as you hit your pubertal growth spurt.

You'll be happier with a large, heavy pot and a bit of Baby Bio, too, as the pot you have right now is a bit like wearing size 3 school shoes when you're nearer a size 5 and heading for size 12. Once that's sorted, don't move about, get your leaves wiped over and enjoy taking over the world sitting there and growing whilst the TV is on. I'd suggest something suitably motivating and musical - such as Little Shop of Horrors.

Hi Clive

Wow my mum also had a giant one of these when I was growing up the thing was HUGE. She definitely used to shine the leaves with special wipes.

When you say softish water, @prokupatuscrackedatus what do you mean?

I got rid of my Clive when his aerial roots grew into the sitting room wall and had to be ripped out, taking large chunks of plaster with them.
Just saying...

@mitzik it’s ok I don’t have direct sunlight, I’m pushed back so I can enjoy the light but not be in it iyswim.

So I should be repotted with extra soil so I have more room to grow? What if my owner thinks I might get crazy big and wants to reign it in a bit?

@horizontalis hi! 👋 I’m waving with one of my leaves, I don’t have hands.

@babdoc your plant was obviously a warrior, I salute him/her. I apologise for your wall plaster damage on behalf of our kind though.

By aerial roots you mean the tentacle things I’m typing with?

My husky would massacre you Clive, so behave youself!!

@nottonightjosepheen we make excellent house buddies!

@summerorjustmaybe you think I can’t defend myself?! I could poke your husky in the eye with my tentacles and render him useless.

@CliveTheCheeseplant

Well Clive, we live in an area of very hard water and too much of it will make your leaves go brown and crispy at the edges.
So we collect rain water or in winter water from the dryer.

My Clive is called Charles. I bought him from Ikea 6 months ago and now he's quadrupled in size and growing. Proper chunky boi, not that I'm not body shaming him.

Hello handsome! I’m also growing at a stupidly fast rate.

A new colleague who has transferred from another department is bringing a relation of yours into our office, Clive. New colleague has already got rid of a filing cabinet to make room. I will watch with interest to see if the tentacles grow into the plaster.

I have a Clive and he's 44 years old, he nearly died when I moved house and the removal men left him in the removal van on several of the coldest nights of that year. He recovered but is a shadow of his former self.

Oh that's sad about your Clive, Absolutepowercorrupts. Sounds like a character from a Victorian novel who gets caught in a rain shower, catches a fever and spends the rest of their days a gibbering wreck.

Aw thank you coquillage, he was given to me when I moved into a bedsit at 17 and he's moved house with me many many times. I actually cried when they opened the removal van up and I saw him. I felt ridiculous for crying over a plant! I'm lucky that he recovered.

He's very handsome, isn't he

Is Clive trussed up at all? My mother's 1970s cheeseplant was much more of a manspreader.