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Original poster

I have found myself stuck in The Great Ear-Piercing Debate™

57 replies

TottWriter · 22/05/2019 16:20

So... What age do people generally aim for with this?

DD is 8, going on 9. She has been asking on and off about getting her ears pierced for a few years now. I have always said that she can have them done when she is 10, for her birthday as it's in July and they can heal over the holidays.

I've always stuck with 10 because I want her to be responsible enough to look after them herself when she gets them done. EX-H doesn't especially approve (he maintains that she will "never" get them done ) so I anticipate her needing to be independent when she goes over there, and also it has the advantage of her definitely being old enough to make that decision herself.

I was 10 when I had my own ears done, which is another major reason for holding off, and it's never seemed a problem to me to wait that long. DD has never expressed any real problems...until today, when we had a massive meltdown on the walk home from school because apparently there are only two girls left in the class without pierced ears and she's one of them, and I am officially the Worst Mother because I have told her she can't get them done yet.

Now, DD has a history of problems controlling her emotions. She gets worked up to a tantrum state very easily. (A whole other kettle of fish which I have had issues with and am trying to get solutions for, for Dad's sake as well as my sanity!) So, as I have always made my central point about being mature enough to have them done, I've said that she needs to learn to cope with other people having things, and that the fact she's throwing a tantrum kinda proves she's not responsible enough just yet. In retaliation she begged at full, sobbing volume all the way home. I am convinced that my neighbours must think I'm depriving her of some human right by the way she's going on!

OP posts:

Imfinehowareyou · 22/05/2019 16:28

Can you bring the age down to 9 and do it over the summer holidays? I told my DDs that they could have it done in the school hols after Y2. Neither wanted/want it done after I described the process!

ElizaPancakes · 22/05/2019 16:30

I think 10 is a good age. 9 might be ok but I agree with you that she’s proven she’s not mature enough just yet.

I had mine done for my 11th birthday. I felt so grown up.

outsho · 22/05/2019 16:31

I luckily haven’t been asked by my DD’s, they have no interest in it and I think my eldest would scream the whole town down if she had it done .

I don’t like it on babies and toddlers who have no choice but if they have expressed a desire to have it done, I can’t see an issue. My Dad took me to have mine done at 9 I think after I pestered.

Interested in this thread?

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Beauty

dementedpixie · 22/05/2019 16:33

My dd is 15 and has no desire to get hers done. I'd have let her around age 8 i think but she never wanted to

AngelsWithSilverWings · 22/05/2019 16:33

Had the same arguments with my DD. Personally I don't want her to have them done at all but I have made her wait until her 11th Birthday. I don't think she has been ready for the responsibility of them until now but I know most of her friends had them done last year.
She is booked in to have them done on the last day of the school term.

Summerorjustmaybe · 22/05/2019 16:36

My dd's were 6+7 after a year of hounding me.
Oldest cried! Both cleaned and turned them under supervision. No issues at all.

Now 12+13 and I am wishing earrings were the only want..

MyNameIsCharlesII · 22/05/2019 16:37

You need to find out the schools policy on earrings for pe as well. At my dc school they have to be removed which caused us some issues as dd wasn’t able to put them back in by herself for quite some time and by the time she got back home and I put them back the hole had started to close.

Although I know a lot of children can put their own back in easily and indeed some schools just let them put a plaster over them for pe.

MyNameIsCharlesII · 22/05/2019 16:37

Just to add Dd had hers done in the summer hols before yr5.

myhamster · 22/05/2019 16:39

I told DD that she could have hers done when she was 11, the summer before starting secondary school. I don't see the need to have them done before then.

Luckily for me, her friend told her that it hurt , so she hasn't wanted them done , until recently she asked if she could. Seeing as she is now 11, I will let her get them done at the end of July.

Stick with 10, you are sensible to want them to heal over the holidays, and her birthday is well timed for that.

Rockbird · 22/05/2019 16:40

DD1 is getting hers done in the summer as she's heading to secondary in September. Seems a good age to me.

CherryPlum · 22/05/2019 16:40

If you've previously told her she can have them at 10, I would stick to that. Otherwise, if you do bend your rule now that she's having a tantrum, she'll never give in on anything in the future and will pester until you give in (mobile phones etc).

Dd1 had hers pierced at 10, they took a loooong time to heal, so my warning would be don't believe the 'six weeks' healing time quoted by most places, as it can take much longer than that. Dd loves her earrings now but, oh boy, we did get very tired of the healing process, and putting plasters over them for pe lessons because she couldn't put them in and out without upsetting the healing process.

Original poster

TottWriter · 22/05/2019 16:43

Describing the process/aftercare hasn't dissuaded her at all, frankly. And to be fair to her, at this point I'm not that concerned about her ability to look after them herself. She's had a sudden burst of independence in that regard, so it's mostly the emotional maturity that's the problem. Her chief motivation at the moment seems to be wanting to fit in with the other girls in her class, and that doesn't seem a good reason to me.

OP posts:

MustardScreams · 22/05/2019 16:45

How old does she have to be to use a proper piercer? I would go by that age because there is not a chance in hell I’d allow a Saturday girl with no training to punch holes in my child.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 22/05/2019 16:46

seconding cherry plum's post that 6 weeks is very optimistic for healing time. dd1's took nearer 6 months.

the local high school doesn't allow earrings at all, which meant that we couldn't follow the MN orthodoxy of the summer between y6 and y7, and went for y5.

I do think they have to be responsible enough to look after them, but we related this more to taking responsibility for other aspects of self-care, like brushing teeth and hair unprompted, and washing properly.

juneau · 22/05/2019 16:46

I agree - you can't be moving the goalposts because she's making such a fuss - otherwise you'll have set the precedent that all she has to do is sob, beg, plead and make your life a misery and you'll give in. You've got to stick to 10 or you'll never get a moment's peace. This is a good lesson for her too about a) not caring what other people are doing and b) delayed gratification. I had to wait until I was 13 to get my ears pierced!

ThorosOfMyr · 22/05/2019 16:48

My DD asked years back and I said 10 and it had to be in the school holidays which she agreed with but somehow it didn't get done. Now she's yr 6 she is also, apparently, the only girl without so I reiterated I'm good with doing it but not until the summer hols (and not in Claire's). She's ok with waiting. To be honest she has to suck it up with regard to 'everyone else has...'.

ShallICompareTheeToASummersDay · 22/05/2019 16:51

I’m lucky that dd1 (8) hasn’t asked yet and dd2 (4) was so horrified at the process I’ve think I’ve put her off.

I’m just going against others who say that if you’ve said 10 before then don’t change your mind now as it will set a precedent. I think as this age you can explain why you said 10 originally and what would need to happen to change your mind. But it’s a discussion to have when all are calm!

flowery · 22/05/2019 16:52

”she begged at full, sobbing volume all the way home. I am convinced that my neighbours must think I'm depriving her of some human right by the way she's going on!”

Carrying on like that would make me want to push it back to 11, and I certainly wouldn’t bring a previously-set deadline forward in response to that. [harsh mother!]

myhamster · 22/05/2019 16:54

DD wants hers done in Claire's . I said no and then she cried. I said I am paying for it, so I say where it happens! Hinds do it, there's a place in town that does it and my local hairdresser does it.

Keep getting conflicting advice though on whether it is better to use gun or needle!

Original poster

TottWriter · 22/05/2019 16:54

Well, I'm definitely glad to hear that I'm not alone in this. The way DD was carrying on you'd think I was denying her human rights! Apparently waiting one more whole year is just too long - which is rich, really, because initially I had said 11, and brought it down to 10 if she started looking after her own hair/teeth etc, which she has done (I'm impressed really, because she's started putting her hair in bunches every single day and even I don't have the energy for that!)

If it weren't for the peer pressure aspect of it I would probably consider shifting it to earlier again, but as other people have said, I don't want that precedent, and it's an important lesson to boot. I'm not looking forward to the constant arguments if she's a slow learner on this front though.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2019 16:56

You told her she could have them done when she turns 10, so you need to stick to that. I would also tell her that if she keeps behaving so badly and having tantrums about it, she won't be getting them pierced at all. Not until she matures more.

AuntieStella · 22/05/2019 16:57

You need to agree with her DDad about the timing.

She should not be rewarded for throwing a huge tantrumny strop.

I would stick to the current plan. And am very sceptical of the idea that that every other girl in the class bar one has pierced ears (because it's really very common for it to wait until the summer between primary and secondary). But even if it was true, it's not a good reason for you to change your thinking.

She can wear magnetic earrings for the time being.

GreenTulips · 22/05/2019 16:59

I really don’t get the angst?

DD’s were 4 and 5 and I cared for them and had no issues. They can take them out and put them back in and fully healed well before they want dangally earrings that need removing for PE!!

Most woman have earring - age they alias them done makes no difference to them as woman.

Really a none issue

myhamster · 22/05/2019 17:06

it's very much an "each to their own" issue though isn't it Greentulips.

I personally don't like to see earrings on small children, but like I said, each to their own.

DD is 11 and still won't brush her own hair, so no way was I going to let her get her ears done until she is old enough/cares enough to take care of them

Original poster

TottWriter · 22/05/2019 17:07

AuntieStella - I will talk to her dad nearer the time about it. Much as he maintains she's never getting it done, it's said in the same time of voice as his promises that he'll send her to a nunnery when she's older, or that she's never allowed to dye her hair. If confronted about his shitty, low-grade sexism in the past (DS has no such restrictions on his bodily autonomy) he's always claimed he was joking. But hey, there's a reason he's my ex, I guess. Either way I won't just take her out behind his back to get it done, don't worry!

OP posts:

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