Please help - 3year old DD

[user1471514421]

Evening everyone

I have been pushed to the pin of my collar this evening by my 3 year old daughter. Ended in tears.

My dh and I are finding our dd extremely challenging at the moment and am considering this evening exploring avenues as to how we may improve things. I am not for one minute suggesting this is something wrong with my dd, it may well be the way we are parenting also. However either my dh nor I can take anymore. We also have a 20 month old ds.

Dd just turned 3, is extremely sharp and intelligent, excellent speech, in sentences, toilet training by her 2nd birthday, has hit all milestones in advance. The downside is her rollercoaster of emotions, to the point I am walking on eggshells for fear i might set her off. From the moment she wakes and I mean the very first moment she will whine shout demand etc. She is a very good eater, but will demand her food a certain way, ie not cut up, or peas separate. If I do it wrong she will scream cry trash about on the floor push away the food, you get the picture. Her normally easy going brother has observed this behaviour and is beginning to make similar demands but will not when she is not there.

She fights with her brother, will not share, tells me to stop talking. But it is the constant whinging, crying and screaming that is getting me down. I am beginning to not enjoy my time with her. My dh is now refusing to go places as a family anymore due to the behaviour.

I feel as parents we provide a loving caring environment, our children do not witness aggressive behaviour or shouting etc. They are extremely well fed, looked after with plenty of attention exercise toys etc. I'm at a loss as to where we may be going wrong.

Please help, I feel I dont know what to do anymore and need some help. I adore my children, everything i do is for them. I need to learn and to make this better. I am so afraid that she may be unhappy, she must be unhappy to Express herself in this way all day and that breaks my heart

WhenZogateSuperworm this is something that worries me. We do things as a family at weekends or my days off, play centre playground playdates etc however she refused to stay in playschool, I worry about lack of a soc6side However some people say it isn't important at that age

Hang on she’s three and decided no school?! What will happen at reception?! Get a grip and start parenting your child for everyone’s sake.

MrsPear as in she was extremely upset, cried and cried the first day she started. Was not herself all the day once she got home edited up vomiting all evening. She was so upset. Do I force her to go? It is optional in Ireland at this age

MrsPear, also, is it necessary to tell me to get a grip? I am trying to do my best

OP the advice given in this post has been really detailed has any of it worked yet? I have an almost two year old and can also say the book how to talk So kids listen is good but I think probably more suitable for older children .

@gluteustothemaximus has coeliacs disease been ruled out? Developmentally slow, poor teeth, adhd type behaviour, irritability. Classic signs of the non-gastro impact of coeliacs. My son is like this. Low iron levels and coeliacs. He's a different child on a prescribed iron supplement (without, he is "that child")

Going against the grain here and suggesting you take her to the GP with a view to a possible referral to a paediatrician. There are some things - e.g. her need for control, wanting food to be separated out - that suggest there may be something else going on.

Acis like what?

I'd try school again. At 3 she should be mixing with children her own age. If she genuinely can't cope with that, she does indeed need to be assessed by a health visitor or paediatrician. However it sounds as if she only tried one day, cried, and never had to go back?!

If that is what happened, firstly try again, and secondly be a bit more firm in telling her what is going to happen. A 3 year old should not be in charge of big decisions like that.

One thing that springs out and I mean this kindly is that you call them the babies, neither is a baby any longer and I think moving your mindset to that they are a toddler and a pre-schooler is an important thing in how you view their behaviour.
My DD was bright, strong will, independent and very articulate.
I refused to engage with tantrums no matter where they occurred I would just watch. Bad behaviour resulted in thinking time. Talking back lead to my favourite saying 'because I am the Mummy and I say so'.
I had clear consistent rules that made DD felt secure as she knew where she stood.

I am a teacher, the most effective teachers never raise their voices. If you shout (and I know you don't OP) it tells the child shouting is acceptable. There is plenty of good advice from posters on this thread. Ignore the ones who talk about punishment and 'losing' it with their children.
Try getting down to your child's level and making eye contact. Praise all good behaviour. Teachers use the mantra 'catch them being good' to reinforce good behaviour. Use the phrase, 'I need you to .......'
Try to ensure that the majority of your interaction with your child is positive, so that they feel you value them. If you label a child (and I am sure you do not), they quickly live up to the bad child role they have been given.
Most poor behaviour in a classroom comes from children who are not spoken to politely at home but live with shouting and threats. I loved the Super Nanny programme. She is so sensible and positive and fun.
I second watching her clips on YouTube.

Sounds tough, OP.

It's very normal for children to take a while to settle in a pre-school. I agree that it probably wasn't the best way to react by just deciding she didn't have to go. Try a different setting? Do a staggered start e.g. an hour a few times and build it up. Explain to her what it is - focus on the learning if she's bright e.g. you'll be practising counting and there will be pencils to do 'writing' and colouring. I think getting used to other adults as caregivers and the way other children behave will be good for her and she might mellow a bit!

I agree on the playschool I will try again after that time it was the Easter hols so had break.all advice is great

Firstly, well done for asking for help. That shows what a good parent you are, you know your family dynamic isn't healthy. So please don't have mum guilt about anything you are doing.

Secondly you need to remember you are the parent and that means you have to be the bad guy sometimes. We all want our children to be happy and loved and secure, seeing them angry or sad makes us want to fix it. But that's not always our job, we have to give them the skills to fix themselves, it's how they grow to be emotionally resilient.

I have 2 dd and I am a teacher and this is what worked for us.

We use a 'time out' type arrangement and have done since our girls were 3 or just before. We calmly put them on a spot and tell her what she has done and why she is there. Then she stays there until we return, obviously when we started this she did not stay willingly. We just kept putting her back, staring straight faced and not talking. (This was hard because at first they think it's a game and you worry you are doing it wrong, but eventually their patience runs out and they give in).

Then we would be as consistent as possible.
"If you are unkind to x then you will go on the mat."
"Speaking to me like that is rude, if you are rude you will go on the mat" "mummy said x and you did not listen, now you will go on the mat"

Each time explain why they are there, then once they have done their time (3 mins ish). I would ask her why she was there and get an apology. If she wasn't ready to apologise then she stayed for another 3 minutes. And again etc.
It is a really tough first few days, you spend it picking up a trashing child or chasing them once they get up. But after a day or 2 life is more stable.

Also take time to label her emotions to her. "You are feeling cross because 8 said no. It's ok to be cross, but it's not ok to shout at me."
"You are feeling jealous because I am playing with x. I love you very much and I like playing with you too, but it's x turn"

Most of all remember the big picture. Do this now and your child will be more ready for the structures of school and the world. I remember a child development seminar at uni vividly. It said that those children who had never been allowed or made to feel true rage as toddlers struggled to manage emotions for the rest of their lives. We allow and encourage our children to test the range of the bodies physically (walking, running jumping swimming) but not emotionally. We try to keep them in a narrow space of happy and content, that have to explore the whole range emotionally too.

Sorry that's turned a bit epic! I just truly believe in this and my girls are happy and rarely need timeouts now. They know where their boundaries are.

There's some great advice on here. Her behaviour sounds normal. She's still only 3. My daughter was very speech advanced too but I think sometimes this can make you forget you are dealing with a 3yo.

Let her know it's OK to experience emotions, label the emotion for her and teach her constructive ways to deal with them. Keep your boundaries clear. Dont pander to things like peas touching other food. If she has a tantrum about it tell her to take 5 mins to calm down but don't fix the pea situation for her. She still needs lots of cuddles. Even when she's angry at you for saying no. You can still comfort her while she deals with the anger. Try to remember that the reasons may seem trivial and stupid but to a 3yo the emotions are every bit as real as they sound.

My advice would be: talk to the other people who look after her and get their opinion. Try playschool again - one very useful feature is that it gets other people who know children well to observe your DD. But before you do build it up as something special for her, something her brother can't do. (And do make sure that it is the right playschool for her, and the staff are knowledgeable.)
And if it becomes apparent that this is more than normal 3 year old behaviour then do get her referred to a paediatrician and assessed.

Please don't start punishing her.

Praise the good and redirect from the behaviour you don't want to see.

She's clearly struggling at the moment so that is not a good time to introduce a huge change like starting in a group setting.

The reason she doesn't like her childminder is unlikely to be that she has firmer boundaries. Children feel safer with firm, consistent and predictable boundaries and they rarely have an issue with moving from one set of boundaries to another when cared for by different people.

Spend a little time exploring shat she doesn't like about her days with the childminder.

There is no point in trying to manage behaviour you don't understand. Sit back with your DP and think about what is causing this behaviour. When she gets upset, look back at what's been happening in the lead up to it. Time of day, hunger levels, sleep levels, sensory input, changes to her routine, certain people have been around, etc.

Toddlers often behave worst around the people they feel safest with. Try not to assume you are doing something wrong. She just may be able to express herself better around you.

Please don't follow the advice of ignoring her. Even when she is at her most angry and upset, she still needs to know that you are there for her. Be a calm, reassuring presence, not talking to her or making demands of her; just being there, ready for when she's calm enough for a cuddle.

As a previous poster said, acknowledge and label her feelings and the reasons behind them. I can see that you're feeling angry because x has your toy.

If you begin to feel that this is more than normal toddler behaviour, start to keep a diary of the behaviour and what you think the triggers are. Then, you can share this with professionals if you need to.

It sounds like you're doing an excellent job with both of your children.

Goldmandra I must say your advice has jumped out at me and I feel it is an approach that feels good for my daughter and I, if that makes sense. I dont need or want stand off and cant bear these marathon let her scream it out sessions.

I have thought about taking some annual leave to monitor the pattern and trying to establish boundaries. I feel I am not around enough

You can be there for her as a calm and reassuring presence while ignoring her BEHAVIOUR. So we had a tantrum over a biscuit yesterday. He’d had a few and I said enough. I said, ‘I know you want a biscuit but Mummy said no more. It’s fine to be sad and cry but I don’t like the screaming. I am sitting here, come and get a cuddle if you want one. But we are not getting another biscuit.’ The wailing and the ‘WANT BISCUIT, NEED BISCUIT’ continued for a bit. I repeated myself a couple of times and then ignored it, occasionally talking in a pleasant voice but ignoring the behaviour. It lasted longer than his usual tantrums but it was a hot day and I think he was hot (I offered plenty of water). Eventually he got bored and went off to play. I gave it 5-7 mins and then followed him and said: want a hug? It’s sad sometimes when you don’t get what you want but no screaming. And when Mummy says no it’s a no. (I say this all the time). I got a hug, and by then he had moved on. But he was on the verge of a mini tantrum over something later and I reminded him, ‘Remember I don’t like the screaming and if you scream you don’t get what you want, like the biscuit. Do you want to do X instead?’
So before you can get to a point where they can be diverted they need to know very firmly you will not budge. Otherwise it is them screaming and you are cajoling them and trying to placate them and it’s just spiralling out of control. Sometimes it’s ok for kids to know that a no is a no.

I also as a rule don’t negotiate over the basics. So if I say ‘put on your shoes’ and the whole running around tantrum starts I don’t negotiate. One chance and then I lift him up and put his shoes on and then we can carry on. Once we are done, I can say, shall we go to X place first or Y (a trivial choice) that makes them feel they have some control or ‘do you want to take Mog with you or Lion?’ I feel that personally having boundaries means that you can give your kids leeway within that. Once they are not tantrumming and you spend half your day cajoling them both of you have more energy and you can then be freer in your parenting. But to get to the point they have to know that if they start the whining and demanding you will return to being the implacable parent.

Evening everyone, dd and I were chatting this eve in bed, just after stories. I broached the subject of playschool and she told me that a boy and a girl told her that she couldn't have birthday cake. I know there was definitely a little party for a boy that day. I am presuming this is why she didn't want to go back. She said I was crying for you. Dd seems happy to give it ago if I stay with her.

I just feel so ridiculous as I didn't really know what to say to dd or how to handle this. I feel so I'll equipped as a parent. I am so thrilled dd has opened up to me but it brought tears to my eyes to think she was hurt

That should say ill equipped

She sounds like a very clever little girl. I’m in Ireland as well, playschool starts here when they are over 3, however there is a very clear settling in plan. So you bring them in for a few hours each day, staying for the first day. i had to do this for about 2 weeks sometimes only leaving for an hour. A really good setting will very gently start them and give you feedback each day, ringing if they are upset. I suggest listening to the moncrieff show for parenting advice, also Susan stiffelman makes a lot of sense!

Chickpearocker thanks for your response. Yes dd isn't eligible for the free pre school until Sept but I didn't have an issue paying the fee to start early if it helped.

You are right about the setting in, will definitely take this route. Also thank you for the tip re the show!

Has she started pre-school? A childminder is fine but at that age they need peers to learn to deal with them.

Children don't need to learn in a group of peers at three years old. It suits some and it doesn't suit others but three year olds can get everything they need from being at home with an engaged and loving parent or childminder.

Children need to be around people who talk to them, help them to explore and make sense of the world and care about them. They do not need to be with a group of other three year olds to get that.