Please help - 3year old DD

[user1471514421]

Evening everyone

I have been pushed to the pin of my collar this evening by my 3 year old daughter. Ended in tears.

My dh and I are finding our dd extremely challenging at the moment and am considering this evening exploring avenues as to how we may improve things. I am not for one minute suggesting this is something wrong with my dd, it may well be the way we are parenting also. However either my dh nor I can take anymore. We also have a 20 month old ds.

Dd just turned 3, is extremely sharp and intelligent, excellent speech, in sentences, toilet training by her 2nd birthday, has hit all milestones in advance. The downside is her rollercoaster of emotions, to the point I am walking on eggshells for fear i might set her off. From the moment she wakes and I mean the very first moment she will whine shout demand etc. She is a very good eater, but will demand her food a certain way, ie not cut up, or peas separate. If I do it wrong she will scream cry trash about on the floor push away the food, you get the picture. Her normally easy going brother has observed this behaviour and is beginning to make similar demands but will not when she is not there.

She fights with her brother, will not share, tells me to stop talking. But it is the constant whinging, crying and screaming that is getting me down. I am beginning to not enjoy my time with her. My dh is now refusing to go places as a family anymore due to the behaviour.

I feel as parents we provide a loving caring environment, our children do not witness aggressive behaviour or shouting etc. They are extremely well fed, looked after with plenty of attention exercise toys etc. I'm at a loss as to where we may be going wrong.

Please help, I feel I dont know what to do anymore and need some help. I adore my children, everything i do is for them. I need to learn and to make this better. I am so afraid that she may be unhappy, she must be unhappy to Express herself in this way all day and that breaks my heart

I don't think my children got that bad as when I lose my temper I am pretty scary, and they pushed me to that a couple of times at this age.

Don't have a temper like mine but don't allow stupid things like the colour of her bowl to start to matter either. She can throw her food on the floor if it upsets her but you calmly explain 'Oh dear, you don't want dinner then?' Going a bit hungry once won't harm her much and she'll know that sort of behaviour gets her nowhere. Everyone else is completely correct, she is testing her boundaries but remember most children like boundaries; they make them feel safe and provide order. You will not be hurting your DD by imposing them.

My DS is a similar age and fairly challenging at the minute. Also super bright cognitively but emotionally- still very much a very young child.

I’m working my way through the “How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen” audiobook- if you can forgive the very Americanness of it, it’s actually good, and my DS is responding really really well.

Intake it she’s still in a cot? Get her a bed
Is she still in a high chair?

Stop calling her a baby - she’s a litttle girl

Aha parenting and peaceful parent are websites I found helpful. www.ahaparenting.com/
www.peacefulparent.com/

The How to Talk book a pp mentioned is supposed to be brilliant - i keep meaning to get it myself.

I feel your pain.

My third child is like this and worse.

I've watched supernanny. I've read 'how to talk so your kids will listen'. I've also had 2 other children who went through tantrums and boundary testing and techniques that worked with them.

DS2 is so different. We are consistent. We ignore bad behaviour. We praise good. Plenty of attention. The techniques don't work.

I would never ever judge a parent with a screaming child. But the looks we get basically tell us how shit we are. Hell, I feel shit myself.

It wasn't down to my parenting at all. But the child.

Good luck OP. You will come out the other side. Hopefully we will too.

I hope things improve for you, maximus. Have you ruled out any medical reasons?

Thanks. This is what's worrying us. He's been fairly slow on most milestones. One thing that has been a huge issue is his teeth. They came in a weird order and the bulging gums lasted for months before breaking through and the pain was pretty much constant.

It also caused him chronic wind pain. He's 3 years and 3 months now and still hasn't got his back molars. I think the return to tantrums (as there was a small break) could be teething again.

I feel so sorry for him. It's caused so much stress DH is up hospital again tomorrow with high blood pressure

My daughter was also far ahead of her age and very competitive. Son 1 is 14 months younger.

When she grabbed things from her brother, they were taken away from both of them. Once, when she was about 5, she and her brother were arguing in the car about a toy. My husband threatened to destroy it if they didn’t stop arguing and when they didn’t heed him, he took the toy, ran over it, and threw it in a bin.

Absent autism or something similar, I think you need for her to experience consequences for bad behaviour. She is manipulating you and it seems to be working. Our daughter was always manipulative, from childhood to her teens and yours probably will be as well. As an adult she is now lovely, but it took being out on her own to get there.

As others have pointed out, you need to be firm and establish consequences for bad behaviour. It will be harder on you than her initially but, you will create a monster if you don’t control her behaviour now.

As a former child minder , I know so well the difference in behaviour is so true.
Sometimes it can seem like talking about completely different children.
I never raised my voice - just said directly to child 's face .." No . That is NOT allowed in this house." And before we went anywhere , we had to have our " chat " about what the rules were " no screaming in car, hold hands, etc...
It will be OK ,OP

Have your ever started a thread about him, maximus? In case something pops out at someone and there are some ideas about what to do. I hope your DH is ok. It all sounds awful.

GreenTulips dd is in an adult size double bed with safety side guards on it since 3 months before her 2nd birthday and high chair went when ds was about 4 month old when he started using it. Very much in advance with those type of things. Ds also in double bed since he was 18 months. Neither like to be restricted

gluteustothemaximus I hope things improve, it is tough

Apologies I have posted under someone else’s chat 😂

Need to figure out how this site works 🙆🏽‍♀️

FGS. Stop allowing a 3 year old to rule the roost. She knows you cower because of her behaviour, and she is taking full advantage. It's time to properly parent and take control.

Thanks for your assurance Ferfeckssake. I suppose I am trying to navigate parenting the best way I can and have absolutely no skills on how to do so!

FGS. Stop allowing a 3 year old to rule the roost. It's time to properly parent and take control.

This is what I used to think before my third child.

How are you getting in this week?

I highly recommend the book Calmer Easier Happier Parenting - first chapter is a free download. Tell her what she's doing that's good. Catch her at it.

Geez but by everyone’s standards on here I must be a hard ass. There is no way I would put up with that behaviour. She’s three FGS. You are the parent, you need to be in control, you said you rush in so she doesn’t have a meltdown and she can fully see that. You are being played by her. Most kids play up when their siblings get attention but they need to learn they are not the centre of the universe.
You mentioned your family calls her the boss so other people can see what you can’t.
Toughen up, it’s for her own good. When she has a tantrum, pick her up and isolate her and tell her she can come out when she is calm. Repeat until she listens, bloody hard but worth it.
I remember my son at 3 having an epic tantrum in his room and he refused to listen, it went on for hours, to the point where I had to call my husband for support during it all.
Do not give in to her, ignore when she’s rude to your DS and if she continues remove her again.
If she throws her food on the floor, get her down and make her pick it up. I’d she tells you to stop talking say I’m am the mummy you don’t control me and that is rude.
Stop this behaviour now because you will have a self entitled teenager if you don’t. Be strong, you can do it.

How often does she get out of the house if you have a childminder that comes to you? Does she do any activities or socialise with any other children her own age??

My three year old is similarly strong willed, articulate, etc, and, like you, my natural tendency is to be on the gentle side. However, I always make myself think, ‘do I want my child to be the horrible one no one will play with?’ The answer, of course, is always no, so I steel myself and enforce those boundaries!

PPs have mentioned the Aha Parenting website - this post, about setting limits with empathy, might particularly appeal to you.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/effective-limits

I posted some advice on a similar-ish thread not that long ago. I’ll see if I can find it.

I've been using the bottom stair as the naughty step with my DD since she was 2 and it's been brilliant. I completely do not entertain whining and silly behaviour. I noticed she was crying out for discipline tbh. I don't enjoy this part one bit. Today she put our new Chihuahua puppy in her toy kitchen cupboard and knew exactly what she was doing. This is a very serious issue obviously and I'm responsible for that but for the first time I raised my voice angrily and sat her on the step - it doesn't feel good but if I can't do this for DD and show her boundaries she's going to struggle.

Some days it feels like a downer if we have a few tantrums but I've also started giving her the decisions "if you carry on with this we are going to the naughty step, we don't have to get all upset you can simply stop that and we can carry on playing etc" deflection.

It's SO HARD as parents getting this bit right though isn't it. I go to bed thinking "did I shout too angrily, did I raise my voice too much, am I explaining it right..."

As a kid I had a bar of soap in my mouth and was smacked and I turned out ok!

You sound like a lovely mum , take back control you've got this xx

Here’s the other thread I was talking about.

Reminded by PP above, I’ve also started giving DD ‘thinking time’, in which she can think about making the choice to do things my way, or the hard way! So say she won’t come with me in a shop - I say, I’m going to count to five to give you some time to think about it...you can come with me, or I’ll put you in the buggy. 9 times out of 10, she complied. The one time is still bloody awful, though. (Had total stand off over some sweets in a shop yesterday, which was not pretty!)

Gah, paste fail! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/3583778-strong-headed-toddler-please-help?watched=1&msgid=87328585#87328585

You shouldn't have to put up with that.
You need to be more disciplined with her.
Sounds like your extended family don't like her much.
I think its pretty clear why.
Don't let this get worse, she needs a very firm hand, consistently.