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Original poster

DH and his 'jobs' leaving me with childcare

75 replies

Bitfedup19 · 18/05/2019 12:50

Stupid title I know!

NC for this and I was going to post in AIBU but figured this might be kinder as I probably am being a bit unreasonable!

I'm a SAHM to a loveable but demanding 2 year old. By that I mean, he needs constant input when playing. I need to be right down on the floor with him or, if we go to softplay or the park, he needs me to follow him closely so I never get to speak to other mums. He basically needs constantly entertained and it can be pretty tiring at times, especially in the house, but I guess it's what I signed up for and I do take DS to classes and groups during the week.

DH works full time, often away from home from 1-4 nights a week so I'm often on my own. At the weekends, he wants to do the 'jobs' that need done ie building a cabinet or cleaning out his car or giving blood (which is obviously a good thing) or fixing something. Today he is currently building something upstairs whilst listening to the radio and has said to DS to stay downstairs with me as there are small bits lying around etc.

It just sometimes feels as though I am always providing the childcare and whilst I love DS, it would be nice to have an hour just in silence sometimes! Or have us all spend more time altogether so that engaging with DS is shared.

I feel like I'm being unfair because it's not as if DH is spending time doing a hobby as such, they are all things that need doing, and it's not as if he can drill when DS is asleep. When he does spend time with DS he is a great dad and will do lots of things with him but I know he likes having time at home at weekends because he travels so much whereas I would probably prefer to go out more as a family at weekends.

I'm not even sure why I've posted this. I guess I just wondered if anyone else had a similar situation Smile

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 18/05/2019 12:53

Sounds like normal life with a toddler to me! It won’t be long before your child is more independent.

Your husband sounds fab.

joystir59 · 18/05/2019 12:54

I actually think it's great that he catches up with all the things that need doing around the house. Perhaps you could consider doing the maintenance jobs while he does the childcare?

rookiemere · 18/05/2019 12:55

Yes DH was exactly the same when DS was young. Couldn't argue with what he was doing, but all I really wanted him to do was entertain/engage with DS for a couple of hours, but for him it's all about ticking off what he's done at the weekend and spending time with your DS didn't really figure.

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Drogosnextwife · 18/05/2019 12:58

I'm a SAHM to a loveable but demanding 2 year old. By that I mean, he needs constant input when playing. I need to be right down on the floor with him or, if we go to softplay or the park, he needs me to follow him closely so I never get to speak to other mums. He basically needs constantly entertained and it can be pretty tiring at times, especially in the house

Why on earth does he need you to follow him around everywhere?

Sexnotgender · 18/05/2019 12:58

Can you do the ‘jobs’ around the house while he entertains DS?

I’d happily build a cabinet while listening to some music. Definitely easier than entertaining a 2 year old.

Invisimamma · 18/05/2019 13:00

Why don't you build the furniture/clean the car etc and dh can do some childcare?

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/05/2019 13:01

Be honest with him: you’re a person, and you need some space from parenting sometimes. While it’s awesome he does things around the house, he’s basically fiddling away happily having his own space while you parent.

Suggest to him you get equal time on the weekend to have some space.

If he doesn’t agree he’s certainly not as great as he may seem.

Original poster
Bitfedup19 · 18/05/2019 13:01

Thanks guys. I know I am lucky to have a DH that does these things and a helpful DH in general given what you read on here sometimes.

@joystir59 that's actually a good idea. I'm pretty handy!

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 18/05/2019 13:02

Sounds like you are making your life harder than it needs to be.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/05/2019 13:03

Well you’re not lucky to have a DH who is totally blind to your needs in this respect. He’s lucky to have you - picking up all the slack and tiptoeing around this issue.

Even if he’s doing useful things it is still quite selfish.

Original poster
Bitfedup19 · 18/05/2019 13:03

@Drogosnextwife I don't know, he just does. He'll come and grab my hand and pull me after him. If I don't go he has a tantrum or starts whining at me so it's easier just to go where he wants me to.

Is that unusual? 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
foreverhanging · 18/05/2019 13:04

Why don't you try and share out the time? My husband usually has jobs to do but he fits them around us or says I'm going to spend that afternoon doing it but we'll do family things the rest of the time etc

Babysharkdododont · 18/05/2019 13:06

I do think it's quite unusual to have to be side by side with a 2 year old at all times, all the toddlers I see (bloody hundreds it seems as playgroup /Park etc) are happiest when they've a bit of freedom to run and explore. Have you not noticed this too op?

BoomZahramay · 18/05/2019 13:07

I have a toddler like that- my 3rd, so not of my own making, just her personality. DH is similiar, and it does get wearing.

Because this is my third time at it, I know that it's for such a short amount of time, it's not worth worrying about. You are just in that zone atm. He'll be going to nursery next year, and the year or so after, school, and then you're done! Then, perversely, you'll miss it...

Drum2018 · 18/05/2019 13:08

easier just to go where he wants me to

And you are then creating a situation where he will expect to get what he wants all the time. Let him have a tantrum. He'll soon have to learn that the tantrum/whining won't work.

SignedUpJust4This · 18/05/2019 13:09

This doesn't seem fair. Yes it's nice your DH does things but if he's like mine he will deliberately turn a 2hour job into a whole weekend project because it is easier than entertaining children. You need at least half a day child free at weekends to help yourself feel human. Either have a hobby or go to shops alone etc.

SignedUpJust4This · 18/05/2019 13:10

Agree you need to teach your son to play alone. Start small. 5mins no input and then build it up.

Original poster
Bitfedup19 · 18/05/2019 13:10

@Babysharkdododont Some of my friends toddlers seem more independent than DS, yes, and others seem a bit more clingy like he is. I'm guessing it's just his personality and won't last forever - I hope!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitfedup19 · 18/05/2019 13:11

@BoomZahramay thanks, he'll be going to nursery for a few hours a day after the summer so I'm hoping that will help a bit with his independence.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/05/2019 13:13

Is he doing stuff that actually needs doing, or is he making up jobs to avoid childcare? The former is fine, the latter makes him a dickhead.

Hoppinggreen · 18/05/2019 13:14

When dd was small and I was a sahm I used to find “jobs” to do at weekends and evenings to get a break from her
Sounds like your DH is avoiding parenting
And yes, you do need to start to train your toddler to play independently

Drogosnextwife · 18/05/2019 13:14

@Bitfedup19

Yes it is unusual. You have created a situation where your DS needs you to aid everything he does. You need to tell him, no mum is busy just now, play yourself for a while. He needs a bit of independence. Having a tantrum because you so no to his every demand isn't great.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 18/05/2019 13:15

Ok, so your DH is being handy about the house, great/fine/whatevs

How it works in our house (3 kids, tweens now) is that we work out together how best to spend the resources of time and energy that we have. So fiddling around fixing or cleaning something might be a lower priority than say - someone's mental health, time spent together etc.

It's fair enough for your DH to have some down time to potter, so long as you get some too.

Iggly · 18/05/2019 13:15

I wonder if he’s doing this to avoid childcare. It’s easy to look good doing DIY but I bet it can wait

Utini · 18/05/2019 13:15

DD2.8 is similar. She is gradually playing more independently and was recently ordering me to sit down while she ran around at the park. I think it's just personality and we tend to go with it most of the time while gently encouraging her to do things on her own where we can.

I work three days a week, which helps, but I do also tend to do those types of jobs around the house while DP looks after DD.

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