DH and his 'jobs' leaving me with childcare

[Bitfedup19]

Stupid title I know!

NC for this and I was going to post in AIBU but figured this might be kinder as I probably am being a bit unreasonable!

I'm a SAHM to a loveable but demanding 2 year old. By that I mean, he needs constant input when playing. I need to be right down on the floor with him or, if we go to softplay or the park, he needs me to follow him closely so I never get to speak to other mums. He basically needs constantly entertained and it can be pretty tiring at times, especially in the house, but I guess it's what I signed up for and I do take DS to classes and groups during the week.

DH works full time, often away from home from 1-4 nights a week so I'm often on my own. At the weekends, he wants to do the 'jobs' that need done ie building a cabinet or cleaning out his car or giving blood (which is obviously a good thing) or fixing something. Today he is currently building something upstairs whilst listening to the radio and has said to DS to stay downstairs with me as there are small bits lying around etc.

It just sometimes feels as though I am always providing the childcare and whilst I love DS, it would be nice to have an hour just in silence sometimes! Or have us all spend more time altogether so that engaging with DS is shared.

I feel like I'm being unfair because it's not as if DH is spending time doing a hobby as such, they are all things that need doing, and it's not as if he can drill when DS is asleep. When he does spend time with DS he is a great dad and will do lots of things with him but I know he likes having time at home at weekends because he travels so much whereas I would probably prefer to go out more as a family at weekends.

I'm not even sure why I've posted this. I guess I just wondered if anyone else had a similar situation

@SleepingStandingUp some weeks not very much! If he leaves early Monday morning and isn't back until Thursday or Friday night then that really only leaves Saturday or Sunday. After weeks like that if he suggests he's off to give blood or platelets I would ask him to leave it for a weekend when he hasn't been away as much.

No reason why a 2 year old cannot help his Dad with DIY, cleaning out the car or even a visit to the blood bank if his Mum went too. When ours were little DH and I used to do things together as childcare and jobs are both more fun as a team.

My eldest, now 18, is soon off to Uni but really wants to work as a flat pack furniture assembler because she was in charge of the allen key when she was 2.

I am not sure either you or DH ABU but you need to start including your DS in your life and activities more rather than treating him as a childcare chore to be managed.

IMO looking after a two year old is equally hard as working in a paid job (and this is coming from someone who has worked FT since DC were babies). Out of work hours, childcare should be 50/50. Find some ‘jobs’ of your own to be getting on with whilst he is doing his 50%...

@Bitfedup19 YOU need to give platelets so YOU get the hours peace

You need to for your own sanity. Trust me my youngest would have done this to me if I let him. Unfortunately for him I have other kids to look after so he couldn't have my full attention all the time.
You're probably not a "helicopter parent" but it must look like that to others. No point going out with your friends to spend the whole time following DS around. Even if your DH does take over at the weekend and give you a break, it won't fix how trapped you feel during the week.

Well I'm not sure your DH is so wonderful . Sounds like he's carving out lots of lovely time on his own and getting away with it by calling it 'chores'.
Since when was cleaning out his car more important than spending time with his DS, especially if he is already working away during the week.

Dh had form for this - finding so-called 'chores' that were essential. Even when the kids were older he still tried to do it to get out of making lunch, or taking them to activities or parties etc.

Do as others have suggested. Say "oh yes, that DOES need doing - let me do it instead - you play with DS"

@howabout I don't consider DS a 'childcare chore.'

@SleepingStandingUp Indeed!! 😆

Your DH is not the problem, is your helicopter parenting.

@maddiemookins16mum I'm not a helicopter parent, at least not by choice, but thanks for that.

You have a ds problem
Have you not taught him to play independently .?
You start him on something,playdo then nip to do a job then pop back and so on.
I had 4 little ones ..I couldn’t of followed all 4 at a soft play.
Nor did they play together either.little buggers.
But I did teach them to play independently.your his mum not his friend.

I think it’s easier to teach siblings to play independently than only children. Mine played without me because they had inbuilt entertainment.

But before then, they wanted my input. The best way to get them interested in an activity was to set something up eg water play/sand play with the right kind of interest. Then I’d maybe get the odd snatches of time. But nowhere near enough to take an hours break.

Thank you once again to the helpful posters.

I'm going to leave the thread now because I've taken on board what helpful advice and tips have been given regarding speaking to DH about weekends, but also because the insinuation by some that I'm a helicopter parent or that I have somehow personally created a situation with my DS by not parenting as I 'should' has actually upset me more than it probably should. Call me someone who can't take the 'truth' from internet strangers, and who should never have posted in the first place, or just a sensitive soul but I'm a first time parent trying to do my best to find my way through parenting, often on my own, and I can be hard enough on myself at times without needing others pointing out where I'm apparently going wrong.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy my hour's peace now

YANBU, OP. And I know plenty of toddlers who have been a bit clingy at that age.
It’s nice that your DH gets things done around the house but there has to be a balance.
We can’t leave disabled DD to play on her own, unfortunately, so DP and I take it in turns at weekends to look after her while the other has 30 mins-an hour to get on with other stuff, whether it’s mowing the lawn or painting my nails.

Knowing there’s a break in the offing makes it much more manageable, I find. Could you and DH try something like that?

@Bitfedup19 - we have two sons.

One goes charging off at the park without a backwards glance, one is currently driving his toy train up and down my legs because he won’t move one meter away to use the train table.

They just have different personalities.

Parents who haven’t experienced a child who needs constant company and engagement just don’t understand! It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong. Enjoy your peaceful hour.

Anyone suggesting your parenting is off or you have a ‘DS problem’ is being pretty idiotic.

A two year old needs supervision from an adult.

Good idea to be open about what your needs and expectations are and go from there

Slightly off topic, but I love donating blood! You get treated so nicely and thanked for your time, get to sit on a nice reclining chair and you are made to drink tea and eat biscuits after. Doesn't really compare to looking after young children! OP, you should definitely try and do this as much as your DH does!

YANBU OP. Don’t you just love it when people decide that everything is your fault? Children are different. My 19 month old is the absolute picture of Dr Sears high needs baby. He is harder work than lots of other children his age. Friends agree with me.

My DH is similar to yours, always doing useful things which means I get all the childcare, day and night. I had my first night out since DS was born last night, just to a concert so I was home by 10:30. Text from DH at 10 saying DS has been up since 9:30, can you get home ASAP? And I missed the start of the show because DH ‘can’t’ get DS into his jammies, get his eczema cream on, put him to bed. I told him last night that things have to change because DS is his son too.

My toddler is also an attention hound who can't spend more than 47 seconds by himself without turning puce.
Exhausting, full sympathies to you.

My eldest was like that aged 2, he would cry if I dared to talk to another mum at toddler group and was just generally demanding. Once he started at preschool he started to play independently at home and was happier to let me out of his sight at groups, etc. I now take his little brother to the same toddler group and he runs off when we get there and barely looks for me until the end. I get a lot of comments about how different he is to his brother at that age.

My husband also spends much of the weekend doing stuff that leaves me entertaining the kids/keeping them out of his way. Last weekend it was building a greenhouse, today he was varnishing some doors (but at least that was while the toddler was napping).

OP just in case you do come back to read- I totally relate. My DH and I fell into this pattern- he was out of the house all week with no opportunity to get stuff done and was desperate for it at weekends, I was more in the childcare routine so it made sense for me to be the one in charge of the DC.

We did carve out some time for me to have but it felt like swimming uphill. Fighting this huge inertia of both our DC automatically coming to me with stuff, etc- and even if we agreed I was going to have time to myself, it felt artificial and less productive than if DH was doing the chores and I was with children.

It did help that both DH and I talked about this and worked on it but tbh what helped most was time. Our youngest is now 3, and it no longer feels as though an adult has to be “allocated” to childcare 24/7. *

Don’t get me wrong, I think the talking/working on it was essential just to make sure that we both were on the same page and understood each other’s struggles. But if you do that and then still find that it feels bloody difficult, then hang in there, it will get better.

*ps for critics: no lots of 2yo’s don’t need 24/7 supervision, but if all you’re expecting is 5 minutes before the next wee/sibling argument/request for snack/etc, well, there aren’t many jobs to do that fit into that.

You have a helicopter child!

Yes defo talk to your DH about both of you getting the type of weekend you want.

Insofar as your toddler is concerned I’m sure the needy phase will pass even if it feels like forever. Some children are more independent than others at that age.

If there was a thread about a 2 year old at a soft play for example who went off and fell/hurt themselves or walloped another kid or something, you'd be being asked why you weren't supervising ..

Don't worry about it op, kids are different

Just taken my own advice, having a quick bath in peace before DH cracks on with DIY today! Lovely 😊