DH and his 'jobs' leaving me with childcare

[Bitfedup19]

Stupid title I know!

NC for this and I was going to post in AIBU but figured this might be kinder as I probably am being a bit unreasonable!

I'm a SAHM to a loveable but demanding 2 year old. By that I mean, he needs constant input when playing. I need to be right down on the floor with him or, if we go to softplay or the park, he needs me to follow him closely so I never get to speak to other mums. He basically needs constantly entertained and it can be pretty tiring at times, especially in the house, but I guess it's what I signed up for and I do take DS to classes and groups during the week.

DH works full time, often away from home from 1-4 nights a week so I'm often on my own. At the weekends, he wants to do the 'jobs' that need done ie building a cabinet or cleaning out his car or giving blood (which is obviously a good thing) or fixing something. Today he is currently building something upstairs whilst listening to the radio and has said to DS to stay downstairs with me as there are small bits lying around etc.

It just sometimes feels as though I am always providing the childcare and whilst I love DS, it would be nice to have an hour just in silence sometimes! Or have us all spend more time altogether so that engaging with DS is shared.

I feel like I'm being unfair because it's not as if DH is spending time doing a hobby as such, they are all things that need doing, and it's not as if he can drill when DS is asleep. When he does spend time with DS he is a great dad and will do lots of things with him but I know he likes having time at home at weekends because he travels so much whereas I would probably prefer to go out more as a family at weekends.

I'm not even sure why I've posted this. I guess I just wondered if anyone else had a similar situation

I know what you mean my dh is the same but he has always tried to involve the dc in diy to be fair. They will hand him the tools and even help. They were very handy with a screwdriver by the time they were 3! 😂

Also I agree with a pp I would do jobs too and leave him with ds.

I wonder, when your DH is spending time with your DS, do you expect him to helicopter parent as much as you?

Some children are more demanding than others so no, it not particularly unusual that your child doesn't want to play independently and wants to be close to you all the time. I have a child like this and as much as you can work on getting them to be a bit more independent, it is very difficult and a completely different kettle of fish than a child that has a natural inclination to do more stuff on their own (like my other child).

Regarding your general issue, YANBU and you need to have a direct and honest chat with your DH about this. DH and I will both openly admit that we find cracking on with jobs easier and less stressful than looking after the children. You normally get to work in relative peace, get a break from the constant demands of young children and get a sense of achievement at the end when a job is completed. I imagine your DH feels the same too and that's why he is so keen to do these things during the weekend.

I think you need to have a think about how you would like the weekends to be better balanced so that you get a break from childcare whilst also tacking some of the more pressing jobs. This might be through outsourcing some of the work, you completing some of the jobs yourself or just only focusing on those jobs that are a priority.

Don't let him hide behind the fact that he is doing something productive with the time. If you aren't getting what you want and need from the weekends I e. A break from childcare, then something is amiss and needs to change.

I just wanted to say I had a velcro toddler.

He is now 7 and playing on the Xbox, completely ignoring me apart from telling me what he is doing (I am watching it)

I did as someone suggested started off small 5 minute chunks and built it up, I also had an couple of hours which were just me and him or DS and his dad or DS and both of us, we still have those now

@Bitfedup19 when he goes yo nursery, you'll find out if he's actually a clingy child or if, like my DD, he is actually very confident but just prefers to be around you when at home. DD is very independent and sociable- but she wants to do everything I do, like my shadow. There's nothing wrong with it, although it does feel a bit suffocating sometimes. But it's to be treasured while it lasts.

I can see both sides but rolling my eyes a bit at all the posters who are quick to dismiss everything you say. You know your child, they are all different. And this sounds like a "default parent" sort of situation.

You absolutely do deserve a bit of time out too but in my experience there's no use waiting for it, maybe you could say "DH, thanks so much for fixing the tap (or whatever) this morning. Please could you take DS for an hour this afternoon/tomorrow so I can pop to shops in peace?" (Or even "I am leaving DS with you to pop to shops"!)

Another thing other couples I know have done is agree on a set couple of hours at the weekend for eg where the DH knows he is always doing the childcare and DW can book whatever she needs/wants to do in that time unless otherwise agreed.

Good luck!

Being away from home 4 nights must be a pain, for both of you, surely.

I imagine that makes whatever 'together' time is left very frantic.

I'd love to know how to train 2yo DS to be more independent! He's going through a hitting phase so I don't feel I can leave his side in soft play/playgroup.

Agree you need 2 hours of a weekend where DH is the default parent.

@Drogosnextwife you seem to be deliberately trying to make me feel like a shit parent. I don't actually enjoy being dragged around everywhere by DS and I certainly don't 'helicopter parent.' I'm not like that. I'd love it if he ran off in softplay and played independently so I could have a coffee and a chat with my mum friends.

If your kids were/are very independent then lucky you.

I think you're right that nursery will help your son develop more independence. Doing things with his Dad while you're off somewhere else - in the house or not - will also help. Little steps to start off with.

Could you and your husband make a list of the jobs that need to be done (DIY and whatever), then divvy them up. You do some, he does some, use one day a weekend for jobs and the other for family/alone time?

Will he never settle with toys or in front of the TV? That must be difficult

Could you maybe discuss having the weekend more your way? So have one day to get jobs done and one day be a family day? Maybe plan some family days out, the beach or a pub lunch or the zoo or whatever.

Thank you for all the helpful advice and tips. The jobs are all ones that need doing so I don't believe DH is deliberating avoiding spending time with DS, I just think, like a lot of men, his life hasn't changed quite as much as mine has!

He's has now finished his job and he's said he's going to take DS for a haircut and go to the supermarket so I'll get some peace for an hour or so.

I think I do need to articulate a bit more how I want to spend our weekends, especially when it's following a week when DH has been away for a few days.

@DulcieRay he will watch some things on tv and I'll go into the next room but he seems to get bored quite quickly and comes looking for me!

@Bitfedup19

I did not once say you were a shit parent but you are complaining about a situation that you created. Leaving aside your DH not doing enough for his child while he's at home, you have made life difficult for yourself while he's at work.
If my children were independent when they were younger, it's because I didn't pander to their every demand.
Fwiw my ds2 was the clingiest child I've ever met (and I'm a childminder, so I meet a lot of them ). He wasn't allowed to demand that I follow him around the park or the softplay, he could go play or he could sit with the adults. Guess what he did?

Ignore dragon OP. My toddler is exactly the same as yours ( unless in front of the tv which we limit to less than 30 mins a day). It's her personality not something I've done to her! She's been different since birth from other babies!! People who don't have children like this don't know what they are talking about...

Ha! I remember a fried of mine saying that her DH had to spend a whole day cleaning his tools...

I think DIY jobs can wait. Childcare can't.

Offer to swap and do the DIY jobs yourself - then you'll discover how important they really are to your DH

Am glad you're going to get some alone time today.

I think I do need to articulate a bit more how I want to spend our weekends, especially when it's following a week when DH has been away for a few days.
Absolutely. I think sometimes people can be guilty of expecting their partners to be mind readers. They don't know what our plans are if we don't tell them, and when it's something sensible like getting jobs done it's not obvious that there might be a more important thing to do. I'm trying to remember to do this with my husband instead of getting frustrated that he didn't read my mind.

I don't know, he just does. He'll come and grab my hand and pull me after him. If I don't go he has a tantrum or starts whining at me so it's easier just to go where he wants me to.Is that unusual?

Not unusual but of course you will get people here telling you it is. Their children have been playing independently since they were 1 and help with cooking, cleaning and know their pleases and thank yous.

All children are different, like adults and at 2 they are tiny and so normal to want that reassurance.

Saw your update - sounds like its a bit resolved

Op how much time does DH actually see DS for?? If he's away for days on end and then endlessly busy, it doesn't sound like there's much time left for his. Or you. I wouldn't be happy.

Think you either need to swap jobs of a weekend, so you put up the shelves etc or if there's really so many jobs need doing, look at paying someone to come in in the week.

Also if you can donate plasma instead of blood, it takes about an hour so you get an hour in peace reading and eating biscuits. Dont tell your DH

People who don't have children like this don't know what they are talking about...

😂

Why dont you switch things round and do the car cleaning, cabinet building, or blood giving so that he has some 121 time with your tot?

My dh and i work full time and fight over certain chores on weekends to get a break from childcare. We are broadly happy, but i get how relentless and intense it is especially if no family nearby.

I personally hate any mechanical work, tho will happily clean or give blood.

Id also love it if DH could man up and fix stuff around the house, like curtain poles that have been pulled down by kids. It depends how much i need something done vs refereeing wrestling DCs or dealing with DD emotions.

Ignore any posters saying you are a helicopter parent! Some children are just naturally more demanding of contact than others. They won't necessarily grow up to be a clingy child/entitled teenager. I had a Velcro Brady/toddler and she's very secure and self contained now

@Drogosnextwife ok, perhaps I read you wrong but to me a 'helicopter parent' is someone who feels a need to follow their little darling around at all time in case they fall over. That is definitely not me or what I want. So, I will try what you're suggesting next time i'm out and see what happens.

Baby not Brady!!!!!!!