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If you were enlisted as an assassin, what would your assassin skills be like?

52 replies

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 17/05/2019 20:20

If you were a female assassin like Villanelle I'm Killing Eve, would you be able to kick arse whilst wearing lovely outfits and feeling no fear or sympathy? Or would your first hit go tits up due to a general lack of organisation and blood lust?

OP posts:
qazxc · 17/05/2019 20:24

I have absolutely shite coordination and physical fitness of any kind. I'd have to poison my victims or something. I'm an average looking chubby 40 something year old so probably could walk in and out places unnoticed.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/05/2019 20:31

I am middle-aged and stout. I would be an amazing assassin because I have gained the invisibility cloak that both those attributes give me. I could murder someone in the middle of Oxford Street on a Saturday and no-one would remember ever having seen me.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 17/05/2019 20:40

I too would make an unlikely assassin. I would behave hysterically and ditzy if caught to firm up my disguise.

OP posts:
Mac47 · 17/05/2019 21:04

I think I'd be excellent. I am not squeamish and can debone a whole chicken, so am fairly sure I could dismember a body if so required.

SockQueen · 17/05/2019 21:16

I'd be useless at kicking arse clad in leather. But my job gives me knowledge of, and access to, lots of potentially toxic drugs, so I'd be an excellent poisoner.

horizontalis · 17/05/2019 21:26

I have access to large, heavy and extremely sharp gardening equipment. And spades. Will that do?

BillywilliamV · 17/05/2019 21:27

I would bore people to death with pictures of my cats.

groundcontroltomontydon · 17/05/2019 21:50

I'm organised, work well under pressure and could definitely kick arse if wearing flats but, as a fortysomething woman, my CV would be invisible to recruiters

Brigante9 · 17/05/2019 21:54

I would stamp on people’s heads with my various Docs. Easy.

Jjacobb · 17/05/2019 21:56

Well I can Dh and my dc quake and shrivel with my death stare, but that would be my only weapon.

listsandbudgets · 17/05/2019 21:59

Awful. It used to be said that the safest place in the room to stand when I was playing darts was slap bang in front of the darts board. I'm also fat, 40+ and hopelessly unfit.

On the other hand I'm vaguely intelligent and can hold an interesting conversation I could probably lure people to a place, distract them and someone could do the dirty work for me.

However, if someone was threatening my children, it could become a very different matter

WhyNotMe40 · 17/05/2019 22:01

I'd be brilliant. I'm such a crap cook that noone would be suspicious if they died of my cooking Grin

Fooferella · 17/05/2019 22:06

I would just let off a silent fart while I'm on my period and kill them that way. No one would know how it happened. STEALTH BOMBER, OH YEAH.

ineedaknittedhat · 17/05/2019 22:07

I like a bit of gore, so it would be messy. I'm also good at cleaning, so could clean up afterwards.

Thallo · 17/05/2019 22:09

I'd be very good at insulting their mothers. They'd be half dead with shock by the time I'd finished casting aspersions on Janet's appearance and reputation

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 17/05/2019 22:09

I’m a dear, sweet little old lady schoolteacher. Ever seen Arsenic and Old Lace?

FlibbertyGiblets · 17/05/2019 22:13

Vogon poetry. Mwoo ha ha.

MmeD · 17/05/2019 22:16

Having had to pull one from rather deep inside a buttock cheek this morning, , I think a 3mm steel and carbon knitting needle would be my weapon of choice, I'd coat it's tip with quick acting and untraceable poisons ,creep up on my victims, do the deed, then return to a corner, and sit knitting in a mild mannered invisible granny fashion, like a deadly Miss Marple.

FiremanKing · 17/05/2019 23:52

I have watched this film a million times

wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Widow_(1987_film)

I love it and could easily be a femme fatale just like Theresa Russell.

Amortentia · 18/05/2019 00:03

I’m very clumsy, a bit overweight with a very large bosom, so I’d aim to fall on top of them and smother them to death.

Redcrayons · 18/05/2019 00:05

I can procrastinate at Olympic level, so once I'd made a plan, googled weapons, spreadsheet it all, Maybe watch a couple of how-to YouTube videos, catch up with Last nights eastenders, look up how much my victims house cost, googled body- hiding locations, they would have died of old age and I wouldn't have had to bother.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 18/05/2019 00:28

When I'm feeling negatively about myself, I could bore them to death with my inane, non-stop chatter.

When I'm feeling positive, I think I could slay them with my amazing one-liners!

Still18atheart · 18/05/2019 00:31

Blending into the background then poisoning or something sneaky and underhand

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 11:05

I've been waiting all my life to be called to be an assassin. My main attributes are:

Thinly veiled sociopathy
An encyclopaedic knowledge of serial killers
Ditto murderous dictators
A willingness to exact revenge
A warped sense of humour
An excellent poker face

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/05/2019 11:09

I also have an entire cadre of happy assassins at my (severed) fingertips. We've spent months killing and perfecting body disposal methods. They'll be along momentarily.

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