If you were enlisted as an assassin, what would your assassin skills be like?

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

If you were a female assassin like Villanelle I'm Killing Eve, would you be able to kick arse whilst wearing lovely outfits and feeling no fear or sympathy? Or would your first hit go tits up due to a general lack of organisation and blood lust?

I have absolutely shite coordination and physical fitness of any kind. I'd have to poison my victims or something. I'm an average looking chubby 40 something year old so probably could walk in and out places unnoticed.

I am middle-aged and stout. I would be an amazing assassin because I have gained the invisibility cloak that both those attributes give me. I could murder someone in the middle of Oxford Street on a Saturday and no-one would remember ever having seen me.

I too would make an unlikely assassin. I would behave hysterically and ditzy if caught to firm up my disguise.

I think I'd be excellent. I am not squeamish and can debone a whole chicken, so am fairly sure I could dismember a body if so required.

I'd be useless at kicking arse clad in leather. But my job gives me knowledge of, and access to, lots of potentially toxic drugs, so I'd be an excellent poisoner.

I have access to large, heavy and extremely sharp gardening equipment. And spades. Will that do?

I would bore people to death with pictures of my cats.

I'm organised, work well under pressure and could definitely kick arse if wearing flats but, as a fortysomething woman, my CV would be invisible to recruiters

I would stamp on people’s heads with my various Docs. Easy.

Well I can Dh and my dc quake and shrivel with my death stare, but that would be my only weapon.

Awful. It used to be said that the safest place in the room to stand when I was playing darts was slap bang in front of the darts board. I'm also fat, 40+ and hopelessly unfit.

On the other hand I'm vaguely intelligent and can hold an interesting conversation I could probably lure people to a place, distract them and someone could do the dirty work for me.

However, if someone was threatening my children, it could become a very different matter

I'd be brilliant. I'm such a crap cook that noone would be suspicious if they died of my cooking

I would just let off a silent fart while I'm on my period and kill them that way. No one would know how it happened. STEALTH BOMBER, OH YEAH.

I like a bit of gore, so it would be messy. I'm also good at cleaning, so could clean up afterwards.

I'd be very good at insulting their mothers. They'd be half dead with shock by the time I'd finished casting aspersions on Janet's appearance and reputation

I’m a dear, sweet little old lady schoolteacher. Ever seen Arsenic and Old Lace?

Vogon poetry. Mwoo ha ha.

Having had to pull one from rather deep inside a buttock cheek this morning, , I think a 3mm steel and carbon knitting needle would be my weapon of choice, I'd coat it's tip with quick acting and untraceable poisons ,creep up on my victims, do the deed, then return to a corner, and sit knitting in a mild mannered invisible granny fashion, like a deadly Miss Marple.

I have watched this film a million times

wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Widow_(1987_film)

I love it and could easily be a femme fatale just like Theresa Russell.

I’m very clumsy, a bit overweight with a very large bosom, so I’d aim to fall on top of them and smother them to death.

I can procrastinate at Olympic level, so once I'd made a plan, googled weapons, spreadsheet it all, Maybe watch a couple of how-to YouTube videos, catch up with Last nights eastenders, look up how much my victims house cost, googled body- hiding locations, they would have died of old age and I wouldn't have had to bother.

When I'm feeling negatively about myself, I could bore them to death with my inane, non-stop chatter.

When I'm feeling positive, I think I could slay them with my amazing one-liners!

Blending into the background then poisoning or something sneaky and underhand

I've been waiting all my life to be called to be an assassin. My main attributes are:

Thinly veiled sociopathy
An encyclopaedic knowledge of serial killers
Ditto murderous dictators
A willingness to exact revenge
A warped sense of humour
An excellent poker face

I also have an entire cadre of happy assassins at my (severed) fingertips. We've spent months killing and perfecting body disposal methods. They'll be along momentarily.