If you were enlisted as an assassin, what would your assassin skills be like?

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

If you were a female assassin like Villanelle I'm Killing Eve, would you be able to kick arse whilst wearing lovely outfits and feeling no fear or sympathy? Or would your first hit go tits up due to a general lack of organisation and blood lust?

I've been told that I could talk the hind leg off a donkey, so maybe I could do that and my victim would bleed to death

Yesterday after being repeatedly cut up, pulled out in front of, and stepped in front of, I decided my car is invisible.
So I'd run them over.

I think I’d have to poison my victims-too clumsy to pull off anything else. Or seduce them and smother them in their sleep-although somehow I think that would involve spiking their drinks as well

I am a worker of thighofrelief and can confirm that we are all highly experienced. We have no squeamish tendencies and a willingness to extract body parts for our amusement.

I think I would go with the frying pan method à la Tangled. Not the most discreet but definitely effective. 🍳

I have a tractor, chainsaw and a string vest too.

thighofrelief101 Snap!
Shall we form an Assasins Partnership?

Invisibility.
I get walked into all the time, ignored at bars and this morning some twat rammed his shopping trolley into me as I was reaching up to a shelf. I got an 'oh sorry, didn't see you there'
I was stood with my basket RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

You should join us in Thighland, we're cheerful murderers and have killed almost everyone. For instance, we killed everyone called Ian and almost everyone called Dawn.

I'm incredibly accurate shooting so defo I would be a sniper
For all the rest of the leather clad antics I would be a bumbling jackass

Bastard you should join us, one of my cabal will be along with a link.

I'm invisible, blend in and tell no secrets. Silent but deadly.

I'd be good at climbing, being stealthy, misdirection and my powerful sense of smell might come in useful. I am surprisingly strong and fast but illness prevents me from using that so I'd have to be sneaky and use mind tricks instead. Mind tricks and poisoning.

Bastard join us in thighland, you belong there.

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I struggle to stab the straw into a capri sun. I don’t think I’m made to be an assassin

I'm quite a good shot with an air rifle, my kids are too. Nobody would ever suspect. I doubt I'd make a good assassin as I'm quite placid and couldn't be arsed. I don't want the money.

I could probably shoot Farage in the arse though. Nothing deadly, only a pellet. Just something embarrassing and uncomfortable.

Thanks to my peri-menopausal mood swings I’m so rage- filled I could just pop their heads off with my bare hands. I also have a very good innocent face, and have mastered the art of walking off while whistling nonchalantly.

When my mood-o-meter hasn’t settled in simmering rage mode, I’d go for the strangers on a train approach. I make an excellent argument for my case and I’d have some poor sod convinced to do it in no time.

I would bore people to death..

I’m quite fluffy and unthreatening and apparently very laid back, but I have a murderous river of rage deep inside me. My motto? Never let them see you coming.

Another invisible woman here with an invisible car, they'd never see me coming.......

Remember, being underestimated is the ultimate weapon.

I couldn't rely on my physical prowess.

I would have to use my super power of Giving Bad Directions. I would give them my very best description of how to get to (e.g.) the holy Grail, and then they would never be seen again, but I would get occasional phone calls whinging about why I sent them into the one way system. I DON'T KNOW - I'M NOT GOOD AT DIRECTIONS.

Oh, I'm lovely. Small, plump and possessor of a cute, freckled, upturned nose and big eyes. And brilliant with animals and small children. I also tend to get people launching into their life stories and deepest fears and regrets within ten minutes of meeting them (not intentional, I've apparently got an 'I'll listen to you' face). I'm not at all squeamish and will do things I dislike the idea of because they need to be done and the least I could is do them properly.

Any would-be victims would feel completely safe, get everything they've ever wanted to say out of their system and then, as they're breathing a sigh of relief, I'd quickly and painlessly dispatch them with a silenced weapon from behind before melting away into the background again. Like a murderous priest without the religion.

I’m just quite sneaky. I sit quietly and observe - them when everyone is distracted, I destroy.

And this is how I always win at Risk.

I can kill chickens. Not sure the same neck-wringing technique would work on a human, though. I can throw in a reasonably straight line - trained by years of dog-ownership - so I could try to throw daggers or those whirly star things that ninjas use.