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Original poster

Parents of large age gap DCs- What's their relationship like?

53 replies

Cookiedoughforbreakfast · 28/04/2019 14:23

Hi,

Thinking of adding to our family in the next year or so (hopefully 🤞ss couple, so need to find some sperm first ) and I already have a 12 year old from a previous relationship.

Tbh, I thought I was done with one and tried to accept that she would be an only child, but recently, we've pretty much come to the conclusion that we'd like to try for a baby.

I have to say though, I worry that DD won't have as close a relationship with a sibling with such a big age gap. She'll be a teenager by the time anything happens. I guess it would just be a different relationship though, to ones closer in age, not a worse one.

Also, I'm at a completely different stage in my life now. I am 34 now and feel so much more ready and secure. First time round, I was 22 and still living with my parents and was in a very unhappy relationship. I'm worried I'll feel guilt that I might be a better mum this time round. Does that make sense? Dp thinks that's a really silly reason not to go ahead.

Anyway, I could really waffle on, so I'll leave it there for now and wait to hear your experiences. They'll be much appreciated

TIA

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/04/2019 14:33

When DS2 was born we had DS1(12), DD1(10) and DD2(7).

The boys are 25 and 12 now and have always got on brilliantly once DS was walking and past the baby stage. They have a really good bond.

Both the girls fussed around him a lot when he was little. He still gets on well with DD2, now 19, but clashes very very badly with DD1(23).

I think like everything else it’s down to personality and how you manage it as a family. I’m very keen for my kids to have really good sibling relationships and they all do, except for DD1 and DS2 who are hard work at the moment.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/04/2019 14:34

Thinking about it, the problem is that DD1 goes into “”Mum” mode and DS2 doesn’t accept it from her.

Something to be wary of perhaps.

Heymummee · 28/04/2019 14:36

DS1 is 11 and DS2 is 16 months, they have a lovely bond. They play together a lot, they love to play fight, watch cartoons occasionally and big brother is very proud of baby brother, he likes pushing him in his pram, feeding him things he shouldn’t have like chocolate or ice lollies
When DS2 was a tiny baby it was hard, DS1 felt a bit jealous and it took him a good few months to get used to “sharing” us, but it definitely got easier once DS2 started babbling, laughing at his brother being silly, smiling and even easier again once he started walking. DS1 has been a huge help too, little things like fetching a clean nappy, or just being able to amuse himself for a while when I’m busy with the baby. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/04/2019 14:38

And yeah, I’m a much better mum to DS2 because I’m older and much more chilled. DS2 has great self esteem is confident, very popular and is a massively high achiever, while the older ones were just normal nice good kids.

The older ones are really not bothered at all and I think it’s really nice that they get a role model of good parenting.

Karwomannghia · 28/04/2019 14:40

I’ve got 14 12 and 2 and the older dc are just amazing with the 2year old. They love her and care for her. No jealousy whatsoever. They’re often off with friends or doing their own thing though, they’re not obliged to do many activities with the little one.

FortyFacedFuckers · 28/04/2019 14:42

I have a brother that is 17 years younger than me, we are close but it’s much more of a mum/son relationship than siblings

loverofpants · 28/04/2019 14:45

I don't know if it helps but there's large gaps with some of my siblings- I'm 32 and they are 19 and 15. We're incredibly close and I adore them. I think when they were younger it was hard to not "mum" them but now they're older it's much more relaxed. They come to me about things before my mum and dad if it's stuff they aren't always as comfortable with. We speak every day, even though we currently live in three different countries (I emigrated and 19 yo chose to go to uni abroad). The only thing I struggle with is that my parents are so much softer on them than they ever were with me and the youngest is very close to my parents and has a lot of one on one time as the rest of us have moved out- something I never had as there was always a baby. Good luck!

FortyFacedFuckers · 28/04/2019 14:49

I have a brother that is 17 years younger than me, we are close but it’s much more of a mum/son relationship than siblings

cottonwoolbrain · 28/04/2019 15:21

DD is 13, her half brother is 26 and her half sister 18 (DP's DCs from previous relationship) and they get on brilliantly.

Twotome · 28/04/2019 15:49

My DPs brother is 13 years younger than him and he doesn’t have the same relationship as me and my siblings (all very close in age).

He was an only child for the majority of his childhood and still felt like one as obviously a teenager and a baby have completely different interests.

If you want a baby absolutely go for it, but I don’t think a huge gap like that would ever have as close a relationship as those of smaller gaps.

blackcat86 · 28/04/2019 16:50

DSS is 15 and DD is 8 months. They get on really well. The first few months were tough for DSS as he had quite a fixed idea of what he would help with and how having a baby in the house would be. When we had a newborn waking all night I think he thought he'd happily get up (we never expected him to) and help but of course didnt feel quite so positive when DD woke up for the 6th time that night. Now she has more of a character he loves playing with her and I think it actually let's him do things he may otherwise feel are too young now like going to the park. He's also found that the girls at school loves photos of him with his baby sister!

CurcubitaPepo · 28/04/2019 17:17

I’m 48 and my dB (only sibling) is 61.

We get on but we’re not that close. We’ve always seemed to be at different life stages.

fleshmarketclose · 28/04/2019 17:40

My youngest is 16, my older ones range from 32 to 24. Youngest dd in many ways has been like an only child because she was always at a stage so different to her siblings but she struggled with feeling lonely when they moved out so we got a dog.
When she was growing up they were always busy with school and clubs and friends and activities so she was an afterthought tbh. It was when she got older that they became closer.
I'd say they have a good relationship now, they are very protective of her and spoil her and in turn she teases them and bosses them about because she can I think.

toomanypillows · 28/04/2019 17:44

My Dsis is 14 years younger than me and we are extremely close. It was fun when she was little, and I loved having a tiny sister, but our relationship got much better from around the time she was 16.
She's 32 now and we speak every day and see each other several times a week. She's my best friend and I think it's our age gap that made us closer, as many of my friends with nearer-age siblings don't seem to have the bond that we do

1Wanda1 · 28/04/2019 17:58

I have a 12 week old DD2 - DS was 17 and DD1 was 14 when she was born. I worried about how it would be, but they absolutely adore her and I can honestly say I have no regrets at all.

Like you, I am in a SS relationship, so having DD2 was a very conscious decision for us. I was quite young when I had my first child. This time round it feels so much easier. Best thing we ever did. Good luck!

NicksWife08 · 28/04/2019 18:15

I have siblings that are 10, 13 and 15 years older than me, and I have a sibling 2 years younger.

I think like any relationship it's dependent on the actual children as to whether they get on, rather than the age difference.
I don't get on with my youngest or eldest siblings but I am close to the middle two, however they don't get on despite being close in age.
Age, I don't believe, really comes into whether they will get on or not.

DoraNora · 28/04/2019 18:42

Fourteen years between my sister and I, much more of a mother/child bond than a sibling relationship.

The thing I would say to be wary of is putting a huge amount of responsibility on your older DD to care for the baby. I love my sister, but as a teenager I used to have to cancel my own things left right and centre as I was often treated as a on-tap babysitter. It was extremely annoying!

Cerseilannisterinthesnow · 28/04/2019 18:49

Speaking from the view point of being the eldest child of 5. I’m 30 then I have a sister 27 who I’m
Very close with. Then I have another 3 sisters 15,13 and 7 to be honest I’m not as close with them, and don’t think I will have the same relationship with them as I do my 22 year old sister. I keep in touch with them and would hope they could come to me if they ever needed to but the gap is just too much.

Cerseilannisterinthesnow · 28/04/2019 18:49

That should be 27 year old sister

Sexnotgender · 28/04/2019 18:51

I’ve got a 15 year old daughter and a 12 week old son. She absolutely adores him, long may it continue.

Sexnotgender · 28/04/2019 18:54

I love my sister, but as a teenager I used to have to cancel my own things left right and centre as I was often treated as a on-tap babysitter. It was extremely annoying!

I’m being very careful not to fall into this habit, though DS is too little to be left right now anyway. It was our choice to have DS I absolutely won’t be imposing on my DD to look after him unless it’s convenient for her.

DoraNora · 28/04/2019 20:14

@Sexnotgender then I think you are doing great! My parents left me with my sister from when she was a couple of weeks old ...

lovinglifexo · 28/04/2019 20:23

For my own person experience and my parents; large age gaps aren’t bad but the relationship is definitely different. Often more parent like and probably not as close in a typical sense of the word close.

but that shouldn’t stop you though.

it’s just hard to be mega close to someone when by 5 years ur DD Will be going to university (assuming so) or moving out or getting a job or doing alevels etc

ChiaraRimini · 28/04/2019 20:38

There's a huge difference between how you 12 year old will "get on" with a baby, and how in 5+ years time they will get on with a small child. You need to take off the rose-tinted glasses.
The older kids are a kind of "mezzanine" generation and as they get older this requires careful handling. The younger one can feel like an only child and be quite lonely at times as the teens retreat to their bedrooms or are out with friends. You also have the risk of the younger one being exposed to behaviour or language that is not age-appropriate. The older kids can be resentful of being treated as a free babysitter or find the younger ones just plain annoying. When all goes well it can be wonderful. My older ones love their little sister and do their fair share of caring for her, but given the choice they would rather hang out with their mates.

Sexnotgender · 28/04/2019 20:39

Thanks DoraNora, that’s not ok! My gosh my daughter is very sensible but I still wouldn’t leave her in charge of DS right now.

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