Parents of large age gap DCs- What's their relationship like?

[Cookiedoughforbreakfast]

Hi,

Thinking of adding to our family in the next year or so (hopefully 🤞ss couple, so need to find some sperm first ) and I already have a 12 year old from a previous relationship.

Tbh, I thought I was done with one and tried to accept that she would be an only child, but recently, we've pretty much come to the conclusion that we'd like to try for a baby.

I have to say though, I worry that DD won't have as close a relationship with a sibling with such a big age gap. She'll be a teenager by the time anything happens. I guess it would just be a different relationship though, to ones closer in age, not a worse one.

Also, I'm at a completely different stage in my life now. I am 34 now and feel so much more ready and secure. First time round, I was 22 and still living with my parents and was in a very unhappy relationship. I'm worried I'll feel guilt that I might be a better mum this time round. Does that make sense? Dp thinks that's a really silly reason not to go ahead.

Anyway, I could really waffle on, so I'll leave it there for now and wait to hear your experiences. They'll be much appreciated

TIA

Go for it OP. I bet your teen will love it and most importantly it’s what you want.

My DC are 23,15,12 and 4. My youngest and my eldest adore each other as does my 15 yr old. The 12 yr old is indifferent! I just hope they all stay in touch and have a good relationship into adulthood

I’m a decade older than my half sisters on my mothers side. We barely speak. There’s no bad feelings but we have very, very little in common. Christmas is the only time I see them with the odd text message inbetween.

Having said that, my half sister on my fathers side is a decade younger than me and we are very close.

I’m also close to my brother who’s 2 years younger than me, my sister who’s 4 years younger than me I can’t stand and avoid her as much as possible.

I'm not a parent with more than one child. But.
My mum has 3 children. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I. (I'm 26, my brother is 16 and my sister is 6).

We have always been very close and we have a brilliant relationship. I was 9 when he was born, I did as much as I could for my brother- playing with him, I fed him, made his bottles, helped bath him, helped put him to bed. The older I got the more I could do, and started changing him, bathing him on my own and looking after him on my own. With my sister I was 19 so was literally able to do everything- playing with her, feeding, changing, bathing, putting to bed, making bottles, taking her out, looking after her alone.
I wanted to help as much as i could with both of them. I loved being a big sister, and being so much older I was happy I was able to so much to help. Plus when I had my baby I felt like I'd done it all before, so I wasn't worried at all, because I'd seen it all twice.

My youngest brother is 14 years younger than me. I love him, but we aren't siblings like I am with the ones I've got a two year age gap with.

I have a 9 and 7 year old and thinking of another. This is very reassuring to read.

My sister is 11 years older. We have an amazing relationship now, it was tough when she was a teenager but she grew out of it. She does occasionally try to slip into the roll of 'Mum' but I have 3 kids of my own now so it's quite easy to tell her to bugger off back to being my sister 😂 It is like having a best friend who will never judge you though, I love it (and I'd like to think she'd say the same)

There is a 14 year gap between my eldest DC and the next eldest, he's 17 years older than the youngest. They are the cool older sibling, indulgent etc. We never left them to babysit or do the drudge work - so now they happily ask to have their siblings to stay in their home for a few days at a time over the summer etc.
When eldest DC is home they appreciate being treated like the little ones I think- we take them to the cinema / pizza express etc.

My only experience was of my mum. Her Dsis was 13, her 12 when their mum's 'early menopause', at 45, turned out to be a baby.

She had a 'good' relationship with him but bitterly resented how she, in particular was required to take her DB along with her all the time, whatever she was doing, because mother was 'tired'. She credits an uneven pelvis to having balanced a bonny lad on her hip from the age of 12!

My mum was born in 1933...

My sister is 16 years older than me, she kind of became my second mom after our mom died. We didn't have a sister relationship when I was young, but we get on great now.

My partner has a sibling that is 13 years older than him and they get on fine. The only thing was he doesn't really have many memories of living with them as they moved out when they were 18 so he was only 5.

Slightly different circumstances though as they also had other siblings in between them.

We've got sibling age gapes between 14 months and 22 years (!) in the immediate family, there's absolutely no correlation either way on how well we all get on :)

I dont have that large an age gap between my own DC but I have the experience of being the elder child, there is an 11 year age gap between myself and my younger sister. I'm the eldest of 6 and out of all my siblings shes the one I'm closest too. The bond between us was there the minute she came home from the hospital and has stayed - I'm now 33 and shes 21 :)

Not a parent but there’s 12 years between me and my brother. Well, half-brother technically as we have different dads.

We’re very close. He tells me things when he’s scared to tell my mum and stepdad (like the time he reversed into a bollard just after they bought him a car!) and comes to me for advice about all sorts of things.

Even when he was a little toddler and I was a grumpy teenager, we’d cuddle up and watch films together. It was great!

He’s a very tall man now but I still see him as my baby brother

Oldest hates the middle one (6 year gap) but loves the littlest one (7 year gap).

Just to add as other posters have said, me and my 27 year old sister were expected to do all the baby sitting and all the drop offs for nursery etc our mum returned to work after6 weeks full time and we always resented that. Now I have 3 children of my own I never ask her to help with my children because any time I have asked she’s too busy

Dd1 was 13 and dd2 10 when dd3 arrived.
She was pet of family when small.
Suspect that even as adults dds1 and 2 have their little sister in common.
We prob see more of older ones as adults cos they want to see dd3.
Dd3 was only 5 when dd1 went to uni. She found it hard.
Dd3 exposed to stroppy teen behaviour.
Dd1 became only child at home at 9. Not a bad thing.
Tbh the biggest downside to me wasn't the "starting again" thing. It is the bit I didn't think about. Being in your 50s and worrying about school catchment and being stuck with school hols!

My auntie had two children 16 years apart and she always used to complain to my mum that she had been ‘bringing up kids for 30 years!’ You’re at a nice age now where you’re still young enough to enjoy doing things with an older child and have freedom. You’ll be going right back to the beginning. Just saying.

DF and his sibling have 14 years between them, and the elder of the two was away at boarding school, so they've never lived in the same home full time. They also live many miles from each other. I would describe their relationship as cordial, but not close - I don't think they talk much except on matters relating to their elderly mum's care. When she goes I could see contact dwindling naturally.

In my family, there are big age gaps

I have siblings who are 6 and 7 years older than me and I'm closer to the one with the 6y age gap - purely because we've got more in common and we're more like older friends

I also have a brother who is 4yo younger than me and he and I have the most sibling-y relationship.

Then for the younger ones, I have a 10 year age gap, 12, 16, 18 and 20 year age gaps. I'm not so close with them as they're away but it's more of a mum/older sister type of relationship. We'll see in the future

So yeah that means my older brother and my youngest brother have a 27 year difference

Thanks so much, for all your replies. Mostly reassuring.

The 'starting again' was definitely something which has held me back in the past, as I thought one of the perks of having your dc young, is that you're still young when they're (hopefully) independent.

But , I started to stand back and really think about what matters to me. What I value most etc and it's family. It's all very well not having the tie of the catchment area or the limits of the school holidays, but I'll never not be a mum. Even when dd grows up and flies the nest, I will still put her first and I'll never retire from being a mum. Yes, there are negatives, but that's just life. If we don't have another, then yes, by the time we're 40, we could be 'free'. Free to go away when we like (although we have dogs, so not completely free) free to buy a house where we like (within reason, obviously!)... free to sleep , but as I say, once you have one, you're always tied emotionally.

My DD would be an amazing big sister. She would be over the moon and I'm sure I would actually have to encourage her not to babysit. She adores babies and toddlers. She's always begged me for a sibling, but stopped once I got together with my now DW. I think because she just didn't think it was really possible. She has very occasionally, asked about donors or adoption, but hasn't gone on about it.

I do suffer with anxiety and depression, which fluctuates, so my mental health is definitely a concern, as having babies can certainly be a trigger. The first time round though, I was with someone who would yell at me, push me about etc and so I remember being completely miserable for most of it. I know this time round, I'll have a very supportive dp, who understands my triggers and will always be there.

The first time round though, I was with someone who would yell at me, push me about etc and so I remember being completely miserable for most of it

It’s sooooo different with a supportive partner.

My ex husband was a shit dad and still is. My DH is unbelievably supportive and I’m finding this a much more positive experience.

Sexnotgender, I can't imagine it wouldn't be, but I really wish I didn't have those memories, as when I picture being pregnant now, I get all anxious and have to remind myself why. When I then think clearly, I get really excited.