I am fucking furious and Hurt by this friend

[NcedForThis]

I’ve been going through a hard time with my mental health and have an appointment this week with the GP to discuss this and the possibility of some anti-depressants.

A few friends know this and have all, I thought, been very supportive and kind.

I’m a nanny, I haven’t allowed this to impact my job and haven’t made any decisions on whether or not to tell the parents I work for.

One friend (also a nanny who has done the odd babysitting gig for my bosses) bumped into them today and has told them everything.

Her reasoning is that as a parent herself, she would want to know if her nanny was on medication for something that could mean the nanny wouldn’t look after the children properly.

I found this out after receiving a text from MumBoss saying “we bumped into X today and she told us of all the issues you’re working through, let us know if we can do anything to support you. We’ll discuss it tomorrow.”.

This wasn’t her fucking business to tell, this had fucking nothing to do with her

I am so angry, hurt and humiliated and want nothing more then to tell everyone the shit I know about her. Which I won’t. But what the fuck do I do now. I’m so upset by this

As a nanny employer I would like to know. I understand it is not my right to know, but it's a unique situation having someone look after your children in your own home that requires an extraordinary degree of trust and discretion. I am sure my nanny knows all sorts of things about our finances, for example, that some of my very close friends don't know, and I utterly trust her (I give her my children, I don't see the need to hide my post).
So i wouldn't say your friend exaggerated (Unless she did) or massively downplay what you're going through. There may be a time when you need your employer's support and if you have lied that trust won't be quite there. Just tell the truth and explain what, if any, impact it might have on your ability to care for the children. If none, explain why it's none.
Your 'friend', as you know, is a Grade A Sh*t who has completely overstepped the mark. And your employer understands that.

I think you need to clarify with your employer exactly what she said. You don't know if she embellished anything.

If I was your employer I would want to know. Any employer would.

"she would want to know if her nanny was on medication for something that could mean the nanny wouldn’t look after the children properly."

Tell your employer you don't know what the "friend" said but it was not done in kindness and was likely to have been exaggerated. Say that your medical information is personal and confidential, but if anything was going to impede your work you would of course let them know. You can thank them for their concern if you wish, but you do not need to say anything else about your health or answer intrusive questions. You could certainly say that your friend is clearly uninformed about mental health and is basing her assumptions on old stigmas and myths.

In what way would the OP "have lied" by keeping her confidential information private?

I would definitely drop the word "gossip" into there.

As in "Gossip is never accurate, and the reason I haven't raised anything is because at this point there's nothing to raise, as I'm not actually on any medication. If I feel I need it, then I'll take further action but it won't affect your family in any way. I'm very disappointed I was gossiped about, tbh".

If you reframe it as gossip, then you reframe your friend as a meddler.

You could also add that you are very taken aback by your friend gossiping about you like this, and whilst you wish you could say it was uncharacteristic, she has some form for gossiping about people and you're very disappointed you were the target this time.

I haven’t lied about anything. My mental health does not negatively impact my job. I work fucking hard to make sure it doesn’t and I am the one who deals with the sheer exhaustion from putting on a front all week.

What she did was unforgivable. She had no right whatsoever to do it. My health, be it physical or mental, is MY business.

My bosses had no reason to know.

Drop the anger with the " friend ???" Drop the friend. I would find her actions unforgivable and I am a very forgiving person
Use the energy on your self.

"Gossip is never accurate, and the reason I haven't raised anything is because at this point there's nothing to raise, as I'm not actually on any medication. If I feel I need it, then I'll take further action but it won't affect your family in any way. I'm very disappointed I was gossiped about, tbh".

That's good. Don't be defensive about your health, but lay it out there that your 'friend' was out of order and may well have exaggerated.

You are absolutely right, your health is your business and no one had the right to disclose confidential health information about you to anyone else.

In your position, I would first of all ask what your boss has been told. You need to understand the information that has been given to them first and foremost.

Remember that employers tend to like and respect honesty, as it means that there is mutual trust. They are trusting you with their children - which is a big deal and is more significant than being trusted to input data or fill supermarket shelves. Try not to be defensive when you talk to them. Remember they trust you with their children - keeping reminding yourself of that, so that you don't dismiss any concerns they may have.

Be careful about with holding the truth. If an employee lies about a health condition, the employer could argue there has been a breach of the duty of mutual trust and confidence. The employee’s employment could be fairly and lawfully terminated. I think this is really unlikely and if correct procedures weren't properly followed you could claim unfair dismissal - but please think about all of this before you speak to your employer today. Put your anger with your "friend" to one side and just focus on your relationship with the family you work for.

I am raging on your behalf. I wouldn't waste any time or headspace trying to work out the motivation for what she's done. Someone who does something like this is despicable and not worthy of your time. There are some people who cannot be trusted with anything private at all ever and who get a sort of malicious thrill from spreading "gossip", whatever it is and however it hurts someone. The biggest bitch from my school back in the day, once bounded up to me in the park and gleefully asked if I'd heard about X, who had just been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at 25. Truly shocking behaviour with no self-awareness.

I agree with another poster though, I think your employer possibly wanted you to know what this person had done. I think it will be fine when you speak to them about it.

I think posters who have said that you should have told your employers about this already are wrong. I am going through some issues at the moment which may be related to peri-menopause or may be a recurrence of previous mental health/anxiety issues, or running in my family - could be thyroid - I dunno yet. It's a lengthy process trying to work through things isn't it. I don't think it would be at all reasonable for anyone to expect me to say to my employer at this stage, "I'm not feeling great and it could be X, Y, Z". They'd probably wonder why I was unnecessarily over-sharing if anything. My work isn't affected. I just feel shitty inwardly. If I end up on any sort of medication that would affect my work then I would tell them. Otherwise it's private and confidential and not anyone's business. End of.

In the spirit of "being open" though, I'd say perhaps you now have a duty to inform anyone who asks about this "friend" that you don't see her any more as she is a terrible gossip who unfortunately cannot be trusted and that people should be careful of her.

Try to work through the anger you feel towards this person though. I know myself how consuming these things can become if I let them. I'm sorry for what she's done OP at a time when you need support and kindness. Thankfully shit heads like this are in the minority. Most people would never do what this person has done.

Turns out She's told other people.

This isn’t her worried about me, this is her being a cunt.

My bosses have supported me by getting someone else to work my overtime so as not to “overdo it”.

I don’t need that, I need the work and am perfectly able to do it.

I’m really quite fucking furious

As a nanny employer I would like to know

Well my best friend also works for my dd as a nanny. I know she used to take anti-depressants and a treatment for anxiety, but I honestly don't know if she is still taking them or not and it is none of my business unless she chooses to tell me.

If an employee lies about a health condition, the employer could argue there has been a breach of the duty of mutual trust and confidence. The employee’s employment could be fairly and lawfully terminated

Some health conditions can affect a job, like a truck-driver who is diagnosed with epilepsy, but I cannot see how otherwise employers are entitled to know the ins and outs of their employees health, to the point that it could be grounds for dismissal.

Talk to your employers, as while you don't have to share confidential information, you might be able to sort out the "support" with them.

And drop your friend, she's enjoying herself gossiping about you.

What shes done is verging on psychopathic. Not normal, not ok, not kind. Her reasoning is not valid. Shes a cunt. Sorry you are going through this OP.

Its ridiculous, tries to 'out' your mh problems and she ends up looking positively deranged in the process!

Mmm. I'm wondering if you have grounds for defamation of character through loss of earnings for this. It's a bit tricky as you could be setting your employer up for trouble based on that. Really sorry this has happened to you

Is this "friend" getting your overtime hours that the emplyers are giving someone else in the name of supporting you? If so she did this on purpose.
Tell them she's a gossip and exagerated you don't need help like that.

Part of me feels vindictive and I would wait six months then anonymously tip her employers off that she drinks to excess.

I know it’s wrong but I would want payback for the bitch!

I would only day dream about doing it, really.

My god, I’d be absolutely livid! You have every right to privacy. I’d be telling every single person I could that she is a lying, shit stirring cunt. Furious for you!

That woman is an outrageously nasty piece of work.

I cannot put into words how angry I would be in your shoes, just imagining it is enough.

Explain to your employers that you are perfectly well enough to do the hours you have been doing, you’re grateful for their support but it isn’t necessary. Add that should it ever become necessary you appreciate knowing they will be supportive of it.

I would make it clear to your employers that you are perfectly capable of letting them know yourself if you need any adjustments made, but acting upon gossip from a party who has NOTHING to do with your situation is inappropriate and unwelcome. They shouldn't be treating you differently based on what they think they know anyway.

Everything she told them was the truth just completely blown up out of proportion. She didn’t give a shit about me she just decided to be a cunt

My bosses have given the overtime to their friends nanny and don’t seem to believe me when I say I am capable. I don’t want to work in a job where I feel I am constantly being scrutinised. This was nothing to do with them

I am beyond hurt by this now

What a shame your employers have taken her word at face value and haven’t put it down to malicious gossip.

I feel for you as not only have you been betrayed by the alleged friend, your employer is now treating you differently.

I don’t know if you have legal stance but this woman has put a stain on your reputation and now your employers think you have problems it could effect their recommending you to anyone else and what reference they give should you leave to go to another family.

Your "friend" sounds like someone I us to work with.. It's so frustrating.
She had no right to tell your private business to your employers. I would defiantly mention something to her but not for a few days. Wait untill you have had time to think and if you do completely cut her off from your life.

I'm sure your boss will be sympathetic and supportive towards you anyway. I highly doubt it will change your relationship at work.

Pickleandparty

It already has changed the working relationship as the seed of doubt has been seen and the employer has given some of the ops hours away to another Nanny.

Whilst the employer is acting kindly, the op did not instigate this and as such is rightfully angry and upset.

I would have sworn black and blue that she was liar, frankly.

When my dd was fifteen, she asked a friend to accompany her to buy condoms. Said "friend" then proceeded to tell dd's eleven year old cousin and it all blew up with uncles, cousins and grandparents involved.

We had a meeting the grandparents house with said "friend" and her mother. I just said outright that the friend was making up lies and stuck to my guns. Managed to convince everyone.

My dd deserves privacy and at least she was buying condoms, could have been worse.