Was DH selfish to go to the football on Easter Sunday?

[usernamelife]

So we told our three dc who are at university that they had to be home for Easter. We usually go for a walk, have a nice brekkie, see family and a nice dinner.

Sadly I had last minute work commitments which meant that I arrived back today at 4pm from New Zealand (bloody knackered).

DH decided there was a football match he HAD to go and see that would take up all day including travel/beers/pub etc. This means we cannot do our usual.

This has left our 3 children who came home specifically for Easter at home on their own until my sister took pity on them and took them out for lunch with her family.

Why can't DH see it's incredibly selfish to go to a football match on Easter Sunday, especially on a day when he knew I wouldn't be able to be there for family time.

(Oh and the house is shit tip even though DC have been cleaning for him)

I would have a family day today.

I can’t believe that people are dismissing your work commitment, and not even a small one if it involved travel to New Zealand!

I also see nothing wrong with organising for the kids to be at home, prior to knowing you had to work. I was on a campus over the weekend, if it’s similar to theirs they would have been pretty lonely, it was deserted, even the student bars were shut!

Personally I would have anticipated coming home after that journey to a tidy house and prepared meal so we could spend time together.

I can't believe one, two or all three didn't go to the match with your dh? Mine would love that.
Or why he didn't get food in for Easter Sunday lunch.

Redcherries the lonley campuses thing depends on the university. Some universities attract mainly fairly local students who behave like weekly boarders, but others don't break for Easter and have more diverse student bases including a lot of international students and students from all over the UK, most of whom stay in the university town year round, with the exception of the one very long holiday over the summer (and often stay to work over summer too).

Oh my goodness, we're a bit touchy this morning aren't we @MNHQ?

I was simply wondering whether the OP might be a troll? That's hardly worthy of a deletion... !

I hope the 'told the DC' is not what actually happened, just said like that because of jet lag.

OP is not being unreasonable. If it had been Liverpool he probably would have not been back until midnight (at Cardiff), so I doubt it was them. If he is a Man U supporter then at least the OP has the consolation that he went to see a very poor performance.

Gosh sorry all for not replying. I was knackered. I was actually in Singapore for work then we had a big problem with a factory in NZ so I was sent out there rather than flying home as I was meant to. Anyhow, that’s besides the point isn’t it.

Both dc hate football and dh has a set group of lad friends at the football. For what it’s worth as a family we treat easter like Christmas as being family time. The DC had just come back from doing work at uni and came to a house in an utter state that DH had left it in when I was away and wanted them to tidy it with him.

OP I agree your DH was crap in this situation - bad enough being "ordered" to come home, then finding all that.

But I can't help wondering how the DC feel about all this generally. Christmas is hard enough in terms of family pressure. If I had Easter to contend with too....my parents were very sensible IMHO and said after 18 I was free to do as I pleased at Christmas.

My father is gone now and the pressure for it be "family day" again is pretty grim frankly.

It is crap that your DH didn't clean the house for them either.

In light of your update, yes I do think your h was unreasonable to bugger off out to football with his mates and leave your kids alone on a day that is like Christmas for your family. Leaving the house in a mess is and then expecting the kids to clear it is ultra shitty.
Since you were already in Singapore I can see it would have been very hard to refuse to go to NZ to deal with an emergency. Apologies, I had thought you'd flown out from the UK having insisted your DC come home.
In those circumstances I would expect my h to step up and provide the holiday the kids were expecting

We are having family time later because I was at the football yesterday. Enjoy today op once your dh has tidied the house.

He was unreasonable leaving the house a tip but not unreasonable to leave your family get together until today.

You weren’t there either and you’re talking about adult ‘children’ not young children. I don’t think he was selfish at all.

For what it’s worth as a family we treat easter like Christmas as being family time.

You know you don't have a right to tell your adult children that they 'have to be home' for Christmas either, don't you?

At some point they will want to spend Easter or Christmas elsewhere, and you have no right to expect otherwise. They're adults, and being put under pressure by your parents to be present for every holiday is shit.

After your update. Then yes your dh wbu to leave the house in such a state and go off to football when you all agree Easter is as important as Christmas.

It wouldn't worry me. The first part of your post was more concerning to me.

@archivearmadillo I have to admit I only have the one uni to gain experience for so that’s interesting. I felt a bit sorry for the few students I did see, no doubt some would have work commitment or be far away from home. It really was a ghost town, and we were a bit gutted as we were working on campus and fancied a quick glass of wine in one of the bar gardens when we’d finished!

Op, I hope he’s at least caught up some Cleaning! We’ve had work commitments over Easter, it’s not something you can just refuse to do because it’s Easter, you still have to bring money in! Easter hasn’t quite been as planned for us either.

You lost me at the first sentence- “So we told our three dc who are at university that they had to be home for Easter.”

YABVU

Enforced family time?!

”I also see nothing wrong with organising for the kids to be at home, prior to knowing you had to work.”

I don’t think anyone would see anything wrong with that scenario. But the OP freely and openly stated that she demanded it, rather than organised it. That’s what’s wrong here.

Let your kids free. They are adults now.

You clearly have really busy and full lives, so let them have theirs.

You were both equally unreasonable.

I went to a football match on Good Friday. If your team is playing, you can't choose the dates!

You got called to work. Adult children understand that. And your work probably helps them pay for their studying so it's necessary.

While you were away, your husband let the house turn into a bombsite and then went off to hang with his mates instead of having a family lunch with the kids. I hope your kids told him what a selfish prick he is.

Get him cleaning the house! And apologise to your kids for their weekend being ruined; maybe offer to arrange another family dinner or something.

We went out for lunch yesterday with our DD's both over 18, after lunch they went there own way had made plan's with friend's, if they hadn't have wanted to come to lunch i wouldn't have minded they have there own lives, i don't tell them they have to do anything, we just want then to enjoy themselves.

I have three adult sons, and wouldn’t dream of demanding they came home for Easter, or even Christmas!

We asked them if they’d like to come for Easter - two did, and the third chose to stay in his university city with his girlfriend. Did I miss him? Yes, of course - but I recognise that they are all grown ups with their own lives.

Did all 3 travel home on Easter morning? Or did they arrive on Saturday or before? Given the frequency of public transport it must surely have been before.

So they obviously spent family time with DH and could very easily have tidied / cleaned between themselves if they'd wanted to. And I'm not entirely sure why 3 adult uni students can't sort lunch out for themselves....