How do I stop being late?

[DrWhy]

I seems to be constantly chasing my tail and running from one thing to another getting progressively later for each one despite being on maternity leave and actually having very little of any importance to do.
There is yet another thread running in AIBU about late people and the consensus is that they are rude, lazy and care more about their time than your own. I know it’s rude, I hate letting people down but it’s caused by trying to do too much usually rather than laziness. I seem to also have a complete blind spot when it comes to accurately estimating how long it will take to do anything. For full disclosure, I have a job when I’m not on mat leave, it has flexible hours and I travel to work with DH in the mornings, he is usually in the car with the engine running when I leave the house, I am typically one of the last to arrive at meetings, not unusual to be a couple of minutes late - it’s never been mentioned at an appraisal but I’m sure it’s noticed. I’ve missed one plane and a couple of trains - I know leave myself a huge margin for things like this but still frequently end up ‘late’ compared to the time my plan expected me to be there. So it’s not just irritating to other people it impacts my own life.
A typical example, one day a week I have DS 2.5 home in the morning and take him and DD (5 months) to playgroup, then I drop him at nursery for lunch and take DD to swimming. This week was school holidays so no playgroup and no swimming lesson - should have been really chillled. However, I agreed to meet a friend for swimming with our babies instead. Thought meeting for lunch beforehand would be fine as DS was eating at nursery so agreed 12.30 in sports centre centre cafe, plenty of time before a nursery meeting at 4pm. Some playgroup friends were meeting at a farm park at 10.30-11ish so I said we’d go earlier, see them briefly than I’d get DS to nursery. What actually happened was that despite being up at 7 with DS, when DH left at 7.45 we had showered but I was getting dressed and DS was refusing to get dressed. It then took me until 10.30 to get me dressed, DS dressed, DD changed, fed and dressed, everybody breakfasted, the changing bag topped up, DS to sit on the potty, everything including the children into the car. So we arrived at the farm park at 10.45 - around 30 mins before we needed to leave. I stressed about feeling guilty at dragging DS away so quickly so called nursery to see if they could keep his lunch if he was half an hour later, which they said was fine and called my friend to see if she was happy to eat with her baby and I’d join them once they’d finished, also fine. So I reset my leaving time by half an hour. 10 minutes before we needed to leave I started trying to get moving - I can’t really pick up DS with DD in the sling so lots of persuading, cajoling etc we finally get moving, have the compulsory before we get in the car loo stop with lots of protesting. Get to the car, get DD in car seat, DS says he needs a wee, DD back in sling, back to the loos, DS has his wee, back in the car, now 10 minutes late for the rearranged late time. Drop DS in nursery, feel massively guilty that he’s now having lunch on his own. Arrive at pool, feel massively guilty that friend is hanging about waiting having finished her lunch. Go swimming, friend leaves early as her baby is not enjoying it. Sit in pool cafe and feed baby, think, I’ve got an an hour to kill before DS nursery meeting, I’ll pop into Asda nearby and get some stuff we need. Walk to car, get DD into car, drive a few mins to supermarket, get DD out of car, dither over shopping, try to find stuff in unfamiliar supermarket, realise I need to leave in 10 minutes to be on time for nursery meeting, try to find that one last item, join checkout queue and realise I should be leaving in 2 mins, get everything to car, get DD in, DH calls to check where I am as he’s at the nursery gate, I break down in tears as I’m letting people down by being late yet again. All totally avoidable.
I try to fit too much in, am unrealistic about how long things take, am bad at leaving one thing to get on to the next, get caught chatting to people and don’t know how to get away. I also struggle to get the children organised and moving although I can’t entirely blame them as I was very similar before.
How do people manage to be on time? What practical strategies do you use? I’ve tried building in contingency but I somehow know it’s not a ‘real’ deadline so I’ve usually used it by the time I leave the house. Google maps helps for planning journey times but how do you plan how long it will take to do something? How do you leave a job you haven’t finished or walk away from a conversation?
Help please, I know I need to sort this out, I just somehow can’t make it happen.

7.45-10.30, to get yourself and DC ready and out is excessive, are you faffing about? Disorganised where things are? You'd drive me mad.

Dyspraxia will also affect your organisational abilities. Are you deemed as 'clumsy', do you struggle to eat some foods because of their textures?

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/dyspraxia-glance/

My daughter could have written that post, she can't organise herself at all despite all the efforts in the world. She is dyspraxic, she drives people mad if they don't know her.

I think @SoyDora has hit the nail on the head:

By trying to please everyone, you’re pleasing no one.

I came here just to ask whether you'd identify as a people pleaser? I find I try too hard to accommodate/please everyone, which backfires and pleases no one. I inevitably fail because there isn't enough quality time/leeway in order to ensure being on time and I also end up feeling rushed and anxious.

The days I'm best at being on time are those where I've scheduled just one or two activities, with clear 'breathing space' between the two of them.

Now I have a 6 month old, I've actually got better than I ever was pre-baby! This is due to what I previously called 'selfishness' but is actually prioritising and being realistic. If a plan doesn't work for me, I say so and suggest a compromise or a different day.

One of my best friends is fantastic at being on time, but she's also cut throat and ruthless with her diary. She plans well ahead and usually only schedules one activity per day unless there's a good space in between. A while ago I realised that one of the many reasons I feel so relaxed spending time with her is because she's not focused on the next thing to do or clock watching. I now try to use her approach as a model of good planning.

I think @SoyDora has hit the nail on the head:

By trying to please everyone, you’re pleasing no one.

This is absolutely true, I’m even worrying about referencing all the things people have posted here so everyone knows I’ve read and appreciated them. By having two children I’ve then added two people who above anything I want to give a happy childhood too and trying to weigh up not upsetting DS by wrestling him into clothes, vs cancelling a trip he was looking forward to because I’m running late vs raising a total brat because he gets whatever he wants is bloody hard. I also want to do the same stuff with DD that I did with DS like swimming. However, before someone tells me, I know they won’t end up being happy if they have a mum who makes them late all the time.

Some people have been brutal and believe me you can’t make me feel more guilty over my friend than I already do. Thank you to whoever suggested sending a sincere apology and offer to make it up to her - I’ve done that. In my head I changed the plan 2 hours ahead, which was well before she’d have needed to leave home, however thinking about it, she needed to feed the baby before swimming so was going to end up having to go to the cafe anyway unless she’d given her lunch early at home before she came out - which probably didn’t work for her. Some people have been pretty harsh but it does make me realise how much this pisses people off as my friends are clearly too nice to actually say it.

The questions about that day in rough time order - ‘we’ had a shower as it’s the only way I can safely contain DS away from his baby sister, she’s in a next to me so he climbs up and onto her, he can open the bathroom door if he’s just in there (or she is), he wakes at 7, I’m up at least twice a night, I can not face getting up earlier to shower before he wakes and if he wakes while I’m in the shower we have the same risk of him getting to his sister.
The plan to try to go to the farm park - usually we leave the house between 9.15 and 9.30 to get to playgroup, I thought of the park as a direct substitution, planned to leave at the same time and get there by 9.45 latest giving us a good 1hr30, briefly crossover with friends before we left. I didn’t consider that it’s freezing and windswept and doesn’t safely contain DS so I had to feed the baby before we left rather than when we arrived as I can at playgroup. It’s closer to home but further from nursery, we hadn’t tried to do the playgroup run since potty training (then on day 10).

Travel potty in car - we do, he point blank refuses to use it or to wee on the grass, he will wet his trousers instead. Given that it’s still rare for him to ask to go for a wee I didn’t want to refuse him and end up with him wetting himself in the car seat. I offered the travel potty but when he refused went back to the toilet with him (where he did wee so not just messing about).

Asda trip, yes stupid, it was a few things we needed but could have popped into the garage on the way home and taken a fraction of the time. It was just me and baby DD so I thought it would be quick but she still needs loading and unloading, it’s a big store and I don’t know it well.

Practically, I’ve definitely got a few clear things:

Do less seems to be key. I hate being unproductive in any way but I might have to get over that.

Yes, we spend a lot of time in the car, we can walk to a small nearby playpark and I can buggy them to the library (doesn’t have a toilet so currently useless) or a cafe that really only has room for one buggy and high chair so not somewhere I can meet friends. Only one of my friends lives in the village. I should probably just spend more time at home but then I spend it stressing about housework and the mess being generated. Nursery is at my workplace so 20 mins by car away. DS still goes 3.5 days a week so that time it’s just me and the baby so really no excuse for lateness.

I need to work out how long things really take rather than how long they should take, then add some contingency then stick to it.

I hate ‘wasting time’ I feel like sitting waiting in a car if we’ve arrived more than 10-15 minutes early for something it’s a waste of time that could have been used for one of the million endless jobs like the washing, tidying, cleaning, shopping etc. I try to be ‘on time’ and end up being late. When I do work back properly and build in contingency I’m aware I’ve done it so don’t really honestly believe I need to stick to that schedule. Clearly I do!

Go back to online shopping. I used to do this, we have an annual delivery plan but ironically the baby is much happier to walk round a supermarket in a sling or trolley and be cooed at by everyone she sees than to give me an hours peace in the house with a laptop. I’ve tried doing it on a phone but it’s fiddly and I get dragged off into something, it doesn’t get checked out and vanishes and it’s more wasted time. I’ll try it again.

A few people have suggested various diagnoses. I’m not convinced I’m wholly NT, I am horribly disorganised and forgetful about everyday life- I manage this with lists and calendars but I was very successful academically so clearly I can remember things when I try. I am clumsy, can’t throw and catch, hate team sports, took ages to learn to ride a bike, am constantly bruised from walking into things like worktops that have never moved. I can’t stand certain slimy textures either in food or to touch. But my fine motor skills are fine and I certainly didn’t struggle at school. I have to have a plan and then I have to enact the plan, however ludicrous it might be getting, if I’ve planned to do something I have to do it even if cancelling or doing something completely different would actually be more sensible. I can’t cope with sensory overload, things like overcrowded busy cafes with no space really stress me out - I go anyway as DH and DS like them. However these are all low level things that lots of people dislike. I will look into time management for people with executive functioning disorders though as it may suggest some useful strategies.

I am currently feeding the baby so going to start an online shop and hope I get to check it out.

When you have an hour to kill... no, you don't. You have half an hour at most. That asda shop was too much to fit in.

Always aim to be somewhere at least half an hour before you need to be there. If you get there early, great. If you are running late, you still stand a reasonable chance of being there, if not on time, then fairly soon after.

And stop doing so much - you seem to be one of those people who tries to cram a quart into a pint pot!

OK, so I haven’t started the shopping, I’ve done the ADHD quiz. I’m really surprised to find it suggests I have moderate ADHD. I don’t feel like I have any problem focussing on long tasks, once I’m engrossed in something I actually find it hard to stop but I do get very easily distracted if something else happens and I seem to tick practically every other box. Two hours of report writing will take me all day as I respond to every bloody e-mail that appears in my inbox. I have just come up with strategies to avoid this - during my PhD write up I worked overnight and slept until lunch, no one around to distract me. I also have what I call ‘go mode’ where I just can’t stop and relax but I just assumed it was pretty normal to want all the tasks done before you can relax, especially things like housework in the evening. I’m currently really twitchy as the baby has fallen asleep on my lap and the toddler is napping and there are jobs I want to do but I know she’ll wake up if I put her down, I was also a model child at school. That doesn’t jive at all with my perception of ADHD. Very interesting. I can’t imagine me seeking a diagnosis of anything now but it’s definitely worth looking into strategies for people with ADHD.

Why can’t you shower before your DH leaves?

Also get a bit more firm with DS. He pees in the potty/on the ground or he goes back in nappies. And follow through. It’s added stress at this point you don’t need.

10-15mins in the car? Do your online groceries. It shouldn’t take an hour to do online groceries. X

@Drwhy I am clumsy, can’t throw and catch, hate team sports, took ages to learn to ride a bike, am constantly bruised from walking into things like worktops that have never moved. I can’t stand certain slimy textures either in food or to touch. But my fine motor skills are fine and I certainly didn’t struggle at school.

My daughter flew academically at school but her time management affected her at college badly, she still left with good grades and is now at university. She sometimes misses her mouth when drinking, walks into walls, worktops etc and has to take real care on stairs as she constantly falls up and down them. She once jumped into the air to dive on our massive settee, and completely missed it, right while I was stood there.

I suppose my post is a 'you are not alone, don't feel too bad' post. Having a read might help you as you say, good luck.

She also doesn't eat 'messy foods' such as baked beans or sauces and dips. Mashed potatoes can be eaten with a small spoon (awful texture apparently) and she could never have gravy on it as it would be too soggy. We are northerners, she has never had gravy on her chips poor girl!

OP I could have written your post, right down to the clumsiness, sensory issues etc.

What I've realised is that getting children out of the house is an activity in itself. So instead of 10 mins, I allow 30 mins for that. I also hate being unproductive but I realised that always wanting to be on time (but not early) is actually quite stressful as it's so easy to end up late.
Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you have this tenancy to over schedule. A planner helps me see when I have too much going on and manage it better. And I've learnt to allow myself much longer for each task. And I set my clocks fast too, which helps w last minute panics!

I think you have identified a lot of good strategies, op. Can I also suggest you try to build in a tiny bit of mindfulness type thinking. If you get somewhere ten minutes early, that is a success. It is not wasted time. Your journey will have been less stressful because you had built in that contingency.

Plus now you are there, you have the gift of time. You can take the ten minutes to listen to the radio, or sit still and look around you, or concentrate on your breathing, or do your pelvic floor exercises, or chat to your toddler, or clean out the bin in the car door, or redo your hair and lipstick, or look at your texts, or add to your shopping list or to do list. Just use it to take five minutes for yourself to either sit and just be, or to catch up mentally, or do something useful on your phone.

Time is valuable. Stop filling it all up!

I like what George has said above.

but could have popped into the garage on the way home and taken a fraction of the time.

Or your husband could have picked these things up?

I hate being unproductive in any way but I might have to get over that.

I think what you need to realise is that what you're currently doing isn't productive. By attempting to do lots of things, you're 'productive' at none of them. Do one or two things and you will actually be productive.

None of what you did in your example day was successful.

I don't think this is poor time management it's just doing too much and expecting people to wait around while you do it.

You said you'd meet your friend at 12.30, so you should never have agreed to go to the farm, because you were already busy. And when you did go you should have left at the original time. You actively decided to be late for your friend by not leaving the park on time.

The shopping, you actively decided to be late by getting that one last item. At that point you should have either bought what you had or abandoned the shop.

You weren't late by accident, you chose to be late multiple times. You seem to know what time you need to leave to get to places but you aren't doing it.

You say you hate wasting time, but you are basically chosing to waste others time instead of your own. Because to be on time for something you do have to wait around a bit sometimes because you can never fully predict how long something will take.

With small children things do happen and of course you will occasionally be late. Things like being late in the morning do happen, but you should have cut your losses and accepted you were late to the farm and so that meant less time at the farm or you couldn't go at all and then been on time for the rest of the day. But you prioritised the farm over your friend.

By having two children I’ve then added two people who above anything I want to give a happy childhood too and trying to weigh up not upsetting DS by wrestling him into clothes, vs cancelling a trip he was looking forward to because I’m running late vs raising a total brat because he gets whatever he wants

I get this, I really do. But kids need boundaries. They need to know what the rules are, how far they can push. And so they push push push and it's hell telling your kid for the nth time that no they cannot have doughnuts for breakfast, no not even if the kids at school all do. Right now you're battling over getting dressed, this is SUCH a common battle and a million threads on here about it, I know because I started a few!! Give a choice of two tops, they wear one, two trousers, they wear one. Wrestle them in a few times if needed. But - children with happy childhoods are not happy all the time. Fact.

You pack too much into a day. Sorry but you can't cope with that mnau activities os need to cut back.

You should have just done a small activity at home before nursery then headed out to nursery then swim.

Also think about packing things like the car the night before. If something goes of schedule like the farm, just ditch and move one to the next thing.

I hate being unproductive in any way but I might have to get over that

But you’re currently not being productive. You’re upsetting people and yourself.

Sorry but going to go against the grain here.

This is more to do with your personality and lack of urgency to be on time. My DH is like this, we make plans and then as he's getting ready he'll start tidying up and doing unnecessary shit that makes us extremely late.

The problem you have is lack of focus to get where you need to be on time, you're allowing yourself to be sidetracked by other events which are happening which can be avoided by waking up early and planning out your day properly. Yes of course children don't always do everything according to plan, but honestly, it seems like an excuse to cover up the fact that actually, you just have no urgency to be on time. Hence why you've missed a plane and two trains.

So I know other people might be late due to unforeseen events that happen, but most of us manage to make it on time by prioritising punctuality. What will you be like when your children start school? Don't be that mum that turns up late to school everyday, or even worse, turns up late to pick up the kids consistently.

I always leave at least 1.5 to 2 hours between appointments and add 30 minutes to travel time in case of traffic. I have dyspraxia which affects my ability to judge time accurately so I set alarms for everything. I also prebook taxis if I need them and write a plan the night before busy days. I pack backpacks the night before and set out all of our outfits including jackets and shoes. I don't think there is any excuse for lateness it's just plain rude.

I’m just like you OP, and think I probably have undiagnosed ADHD and possibly autism.

I’m seriously disorganised, easily distracted and constantly late. I have two DC - one school age and a baby - so i have mastered the art of being on time because you simply cannot be late to school all the time.

I know that time management isn’t one of my strengths so I rely on planners / lists and my DH (!) to help me out. As someone wise once said, you can be busy but not necessarily productive. There is a great difference in being busy and actually being efficient. My DM and MIL are great examples of people who ‘get things done’ and don’t procrastinate. I know that I always feel slightly irked when my DM says ‘Do it quickly and efficiently!’ as I know she is probably very good at being these things, and I am not.

I do try to follow the example of those who have these skills down to a tee. Getting the tools in place to help you achieve that, being more efficient, and doing less will help you get there OP.

Good luck!

@TheFirstRuleOfFightClub urgh... gravy! I’m glad I’m southern! I can cope with most of the foods you mentioned as long as they are hot enough but anything thickened with cornstarch crosses the line! Gravy, custard etc. It’s used to make gloop for goodness sake, how anyone can put it in their mouth is beyond me!

@whodafeck - no chance to shower before DH leaves, he gets up, goes straight in the bathroom for 30 mins then is dressed and out the door 5 mins after that, he’s no use for DS care when he’s in the bathroom unless I’m so exhausted I completely break down at him and insist he takes DS in the bathroom with him. Three days a week he takes DS to nursery on his way to work, he still lets DS wake me and his baby sister every single morning unless I throw a tantrum about it - this is a major bone of contention and completely seperate issue.

It doesn’t normally take as long as nearly 3 hours to get out of the house, which is why I thought we’d easily be away between 9.15 and 9.30, I have no idea why it went so utterly pear shaped. It wasn’t any one major thing it was a bunch of little things. We get all of us up at 7.30ish and out by 8.30 on a Sunday when we go swimming but DH is involved in that and helps with the getting ready, (he also gets shouty if we aren’t leaving by 8.30 for 9.30 swimming which is only 25 mins away, I would probably sleep an extra 15 mins, get there later and be more stressed if he wasn’t involved).

@BlueCornishPixie and @thenobbymiddleclassone the whole point of keeping DS off nursery in the morning that day while I’m on mat leave is to take him to playgroup before swimming with DD, it’s annoying they are on the same day but so far this has always worked, I thought the farm was a direct replacement for that but if I’d thought more carefully it wasn’t. My scheduling with playgroup has always given me time to drop him by 12 and reach a cafe by 12.30 for lunch before swimming. I don’t have that much time with DS at home (my choice obviously but I want to have time with just DD too and I have to pay for his place anyway to keep it) so I try to use it to do activities he can’t do at nursery. We’ve had a couple of at home days recently because of the potty training, I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. I did not intend to ‘prioritise the farm over my friend’ I was trying to make DS happy, it wasn’t his fault that because I can’t organise myself or effectively parent him he should miss out on a treat that I’d promised him, I thought at the time I was doing the right thing, rescheduling my friend and ditching my own lunch to give him more time there. On reflection the situation was already beyond saving by then.

@GeorgeTheFirst I think that’s a very wise (and kind) way to look at things.

I’ve just realised that I can’t respond to everyone personally or all the questions or I’ll be here until midnight again.

Things (including writing forum posts!) seem to take me much longer than other people. I had a temp job in a factory on a production line for a week one summer as a student and couldn’t work at most of the stations as I couldn’t keep up! I do drop, lose and forget things all the time, which also slows me down. It’s bizarre though because I can remember specialist technical academic and work related stuff but can’t remember life stuff like where I put my car keys. I definitely can’t do an online shop in 15 mins!

I’ll add alarms to the strategies, sounds simple but would actually help. I could make them silent vibrate on my watch so they wouldn’t be obvious to others.

When I’m at work absolutely everything goes on outlook so I can plan and see my time much better, that’s fallen apart on mat leave, I just have a simple family calendar.

My days are not always so over scheduled but even when they aren’t I seem to get myself into a state trying to pack in as many jobs and things to do as possible then run out of time and get frustrated with myself for my failure. I probably need to just do less generally but I can’t see how that can work when I get back to work, stuff simply has to get done in the time available. I want to be a good parent, wife, daughter, employee, friend and person - that requires a lot of stuff to get done.

So; be realistic about timing then add some, properly plan and schedule time in a way I can see it, use alarms and DH, do less. Accept that this is not something that is easy for me (for whatever reason) and work at it.

I have lots of sympathy for you OP and can also be extremely disorganised myself.

Just wanted to say about online shopping. You said you found it fiddly on your phone. Have you tried it where you actually download an app? I used to do it on the computer and still do occasionally but now that I have an app (rather than attempting to use the actual website on my phone) I can do a shop fairly quickly. It will be very time consuming once you set it all up but then might get much quicker. I have the Tesco app and often do the shopping while waiting for a child to go to sleep or in those 10 minute gaps of time you get.